A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:hello im needing advice. im 24 and a parent to a 4 yr old boy. im also married and have been with my partner since i was 18. hes 30 yrs old. my dilemma is that he wants another baby. he feels hes ready and i do too but is it wrong for me to want something else. i never had a life outside of him. as soon as h.s. was over boom we got together i got preg. and here we are today. i want freedom, i want to go out whenever and wherever i want to. he wont let me. i want to dress sexy, hit the clubs, go to dinner partys ext. i want the life i never had and could have if we r not together. should i just give that up and continue to have babys and always feel like im trapped. or should i skip baby number 2, open up the door and make ultimate changes. like take a chance on life outside of my young marriage. dont get me wrong im happy with him, i love him to death but hes a homebody, no friends, and would rather be at home 24/7 outside of work of course. should i take a gamble and see where life will lead me without him. or play it safe with him?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2010): You cannot un*uck the donkey. So... don't try. You are doing things backwards... dating and partying should come first... then marriage and then children... WHEN you are ready. But you've married and had a child... and you weren't ready. You were apparently playing house.There are empty experiences and fulfilling experiences in life. The experiences you are fantasizing about are empty. I know... I did them... been there and done that.. big time. You aren't missing anything. If I had a nickel for every time I wished I didn't have to be there... partying... but could be with my one and only... well, I'd be loaded.You are chasing childhood ... but you cannot have your childhood back. That is over... but... you can become an amazing woman.You can become a legendary woman. A legendary mother. You can find enjoyment in many things... everything from working out, yoga, the arts, and your child... as well as your husband. You can create a magical home. You can have it all.Did you hear me? You can have it all... but... a little child doesn't need a mother who is lost in teenage years... Become exquisite. Work on yourself inside and out... do things that are appropriate to your age and your situation. Do not tarnish your name and reputation because you will be tarnishing your child's as well. Your child will be the one laughed at about his messed up mother. You have to care about your baby boy more than you care about yourself... become a woman and mother who books are written about. Educate yourself. Learn foreign languages. Become an amazing woman and create a home that is beautiful, safe and loving for your son.When all is said and done... you could make the huge mistake and go chasing your desires... You'll get drunk and probably have several sexual encounters... but you will find yourself empty... and when you look into your son's eyes you will see dismay and hurt... instead of seeing joy and hope...If you make the right choice it will be the choice to do what is right by your son. Kiss those days goodbye. Start anew and blossom into someone truly amazing.
A
female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (28 December 2010):
There's two issues here. One is, should you have baby#2 now? Second issue is, you want to go out and party like other young women your age who are not married with kids and your husband "wont' let you" so what do you do about that?First the baby issue - I don't think now is the time for you to have a second baby because you're having doubts about your lifestyle and possibly your relationship. A second baby will add more stress and strain to an existing relationship and will probably make you feel even more frustrated. You are still young so you can wait longer to sort out your other life issues before adding more responsibilities. so, no...don't have baby#2 now. You have more than enough issues on your plate to deal with already.As for your desire to go out and experience the things you feel you are missing out on. There's two ways to see it: one is that you gave up the right to enjoy certain things once you got married and had kids, so just accept that and learn to be happy and content with the life you have now. Another way to see it is that this is not an issue about what you want to do with your time, it's an issue of your husband "not letting you" do things and you feel trapped because of that.You can still do certain things without him. A healthy marriage is not one in which both people are joined at the hip all the time, but one that allows each person to grow as an individual as well. You could discuss with your husband what he feels comfortable with - would he feel comfortable if you went out with your friends clubbing as long as you abided by certain rules (obviously no flirting with other men and so on). if not, why. try to reach some compromise.
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A
male
reader, rivi +, writes (28 December 2010):
It's a good time for you to have a really serious, long time overdue, talk with yr husband about what you think is missing from your life.
Maybe a decent compromise would be for you to have some of the clubbing / dinner parties etc for say two years, then have another kid ? You'll still be young enough for yr fertility not to be an issue and maybe you'll have got all that stuff out of your system .
Not rocket science as far as solutions go but hey compromise is essential when 2 adults live together.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2010): If in doubt, dont deliberatly have a baby. Acciedents happen but if your unsure its the right time. Believe your self.
There is still loads of time.
When your 100% or at least close then explore that option.
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A
female
reader, AuntyMaur  +, writes (28 December 2010):
 Adult decisions were made long ago,- were you an adult at the time? or a young teenager trying to make the best of a situation, anyway here you are - your so young with huge responsilbilites, its ok to have wants and needs - I can understand where your 're coming from. My suggestion is to talk with your partner and ask how he would feel if you took a week or 2 holiday alone ! no him no child - perhaps a cruise or something - go grab some freedom then upon your return you will know the answers.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (27 December 2010):
 I have to agree with the other posters. You made your choice when you got married and had a child. You know there are people out there now, hitting the clubs etc, who would trade places with you if they had that chance. The happiness you have with your husband is what I call true happiness, and the love in your family is true. Sure you can be happy hitting a club, but that's what I call material happiness, because it ends when the experience ends, when you walk out that door. From that view, hitting a club is like any other drug, you'd need more and more to fill the void that you'd end up loosing if you walked away from your husband and child. In the short run, fun, but in the long run, it won't be a place you want to be.
Your young, but your husband isn't ancient. I think you need to express your views, but not pushing clubbing etc, in his face. You need to express you needs to go out more, and he needs to find a medium with you where he will join you to fill this need. Marriage is about compromise, it's not about bailing when something is not going your way. You chose him as your husband because of your love for him and through that love for one another you had a child. Having a second one is your decision, but isn't relevant here. What is, is the one you two currently care for. I understand the desire to seek more, especially when your partner isn't on the same page, but that can be solved by communicating and finding that medium that fits your need to go out and his desire to be a home body.
You said you love him to death, so you can agree if you gave that up, you may not find another man that you love as much as you do your husband. That is something to really give weight to in making your decision. Also consider how bailing will end up affecting the child that I'm sure you'd give your life to save.
I hope this helps, take care.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for the responses.
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A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (27 December 2010):
 You have a child, you can't afford to be one. The kid and the marriage have to come first.
You're allowed to want these things. It's perfectly fine to feel that way. But you can't just act on them impulsively. If you're going to do these things, you need to plan ahead. You haven't really lost the chance to do these things, just the chance to do them on the spur of the moment. I know how much girls love spontaneity, but that's the price of parenthood at any age.
Now, with that said, you can arrange a babysitter, or leave the kid with your parents, and go out. You can find another young couple and exchange date-night babysitting duties every week or two. Drop off the kids, put on a sexy dress, and go out. Take him with you. He'll go if you ask nicely, and if there's hot sex during or afterwards.
The number of kids you have must always be a mutual decision. If one parent wants another kid and the other doesn't, don't have it. This would apply the same if you wanted a kid and he did not. You can put it off for now; you're young enough that it's not going to be an issue.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2010): you decided to marry at a young age. i truly dont believe in divorce. but its clear you are struggling with your happiness. Talk to your husband about your wants and needs and feelings. in a relationship respect and trust and communication come first. and if u truly want to try these things out because you feel as if you missed out than maybe its something you guys can enjoy doing together. if he doesnt understand or try things out with you i would consider counceling.
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (27 December 2010):
 If you didn't have a 4 year old I'd say what you're looking for is possible. But since you have a kid you'll never be able to truely have the things you think you want.
If that stuff is important enough for you to sacrifice a relationship you say is a good one, then why don't you try to do some of it without leaving the relationship? Or is the going out stuff not really what you're after? Are you really after having a bunch of promiscuous sex?
"He won't let me." How? What does he do to stop you? Why can't he come along? Would he come along if he knew his relationship was on the line?
Talk about this with him. Let him know this is important to you. Maybe you can find that spark together again if he realizes this is important to you and you'll actually want the same things.
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