A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Okay, so I'm pretty sure many people have been in this situation at some point. I've been in love with my best friend for the past 4 years. I'm an 18 year old guy and she is literally the girl equivalent to me. Our humour, our everything is identical. However, I never told her how I felt either out of respect for whoever she was seeing at the time or when she was out of any relationship simply because I didn't feel like I deserved someone like her. I've been the person she tells everything to for the past 4 years, we instantly clicked and had a very strong connection and I believed that I was stuck in the friend zone. However, just over a month ago she broke up with her most recent boyfriend and I decided that at some point when she was over him I would tell her how I felt, because even if I got rejected I had to find out. 4 days after her breakup (I didn't intend on telling her so soon after) but we were at this party and we both got quite drunk and we made out. I decided that although it's so soon after her boyfriend if any time was right to tell her it would be after this. We spent that weekend together, I saw her every day of that weekend and we were together, she stayed over at mine on Saturday, we didn't do anything else but kiss and Sunday I saw her with a few of her friends and we were acting like a couple. However, Monday came and she told me she couldn't keep doing this. She told me this weekend happened because her friends told her they knew how I felt for 4 years and it was unfair on me to string me along now so either she was to be with me or she would have to stop talking to me to let me get over her. I guess she chose the option of being with me because she couldn't not speak to me about things or not be close to me. She said to me that without me there's no one I'd be able to talk to and she believes shes so messed up and that she would ruin anything that happened. Seeing as that weekend was the best of my life and seemed a mistake to her it hit me hard, but after a while I managed to decide if I couldn't be with her, as unhappy as I would be seeing her with anyone else I'd do my best to stay her friend. If I were unhappy in this scenario the alternative is that we both don't speak to each other and we're both unhappy and that seemed more logical to me at the time, for one to hurt instead of two. The very next day we seemed to make out again and she apologized the next day and said she hates that she is doing this to me. A lot of time passed and nothing happened, I told her I'd do my best to move on, that I still love her, but I wouldn't pass up an opportunity if it came my way so she didn't feel like she was being completely selfish by keeping on seeing me. We managed to get even closer than before instead of being awkward somehow, but nothing happened until last weekend where we went to a concert and made out practically all night. Once again she apologized in the morning, but this time said that although it's the worst option, this seems to keep happening and we have to stop seeing each other and stop speaking to each other.I understand that view, I do, and I know that it will be the best option for me in the long run, but I don't understand why she can't be with me if these things keep occurring there surely are some feelings she has for me even if she says no. I may be in denial, I'm not sure, I would really appreciate any advice. Her reasoning for not being with me changes each time we discuss it, it started off with a variety of things such as: 'I've known you for far too long' to 'I can't see myself doing anything more than kissing you and what kind of relationship will that be' to 'I can't be the one that hurts you like I've been hurt in the past'. Her final reasoning was that she just wasn't sexually attracted to me, however she seems to keep kissing me so I'm really not understanding.Another thing to note is that although she said just two days ago that we can't speak to each other, we've both tried really hard to stick to it, but both of us keep starting conversations or just text each other saying how much we miss one another.I don't know how to go about this, I'm struggling so much not to speak to her and I only ever tell her things that upset me as opposed to my other friends as I have issues opening up to people easily. She's just as, if not more depressed about this situation than I am and she was crying in hysterics when we had the discussion of us not speaking to each other. The worst part about it is that we weren't arguing when putting the idea forward, we simply talked about it and so even though this has happened. I can't even be angry or hateful towards her to help me through it and I just miss her and think about her every part of my day. I have my exams soon and even my workload just doesn't seem to stop. I think about her, and she's seeing this guy tomorrow who's clearly into her, but she can't see it as much as I tell her and although nothing probably will happen I torture myself thinking about it.Sorry for the long read, but I'd really appreciate any advice and if not it's okay, putting it all out somewhere is a small relief in itself.
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male
reader, dirtball  +, writes (4 January 2011):
 Well that's just shitty. Holy drama. I would be extremely put off by all this behavior. Friend or not. How incredibly insensitive. Still, she fits the model of a confused girl running from her feelings because she can't deal with them. I hope you take some comfort in the fact that she won't find any happiness with this guy. He'll likely not deal with her "crazy" as well as she thinks. He just puts up with it for the moment and talks a good game.
Thanks for the update. I hope that things get better for you in one way or another. Good luck with the no contact. I hope it works.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionShe's found someone else, oddly enough someone 10 years older, she said she believes he can deal with her 'crazy' and she's sorry it came about as she wasn't looking for a relationship so soon, but it kinda just happened.
So once again we've mutually agreed not to speak and it's been going on a week now so it looks like it is actually sticking this time. I really do miss her and wish I could contact her, shes removed me off facebook and told me she knows how it feels and to see her pop up each day with notifications and such wouldn't help me and so shes removed me. She said however that she's keeping my number because she knows at some point she is going to need to contact me because of how much I mean to her still and that if I ever had any problems that I'm still more than welcome to contact her. I already told her I'm not going to burden someone I'm not talking to anymore with my issues and she said it was my choice. It seems like forever since I last spoke to her even though we both texted each other on new years.
Just thought I'd update the situation, I don't know what advice can really be given except for me to move on which I am trying, but I don't see it happening. She claims she feels safe and happy when shes with me, but then she says the only reason she is with this new guy is that he makes her feel safe and can make her laugh. I just get so aggravated hearing it because I know I bring that and so much more, I guess I'm just going to have to deal with the fact she won't be with me.
If anything happens, I'll let you know, but for now we aren't speaking to help me 'get over her quicker'.
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (28 December 2010):
"What seems to now put me in a very awkward situation is how do I go about this?"
Awkward indeed. Basically you're in a catch 22. A no win situation. So, you have to maintain the friendship in order for you to have a chance with her "someday." In the mean time you need to date other girls to gain "experience." So you can eventually end up together. I can see her logic, but you and I see the flaws, don't we. By maintaining this friendship, it will inevitably maintain your feelings for her. You may date other girls, but none of them will measure up. They aren't who you will really want to be with.
Then again, you could move on and find someone who makes you truely happy. It is possible. Then, she'll have missed her chance and she'll realize what she lost.
Good times.
Here's what all this tells me. She's still conflicted, as I thought. She is coming to grips with her feelings for you but isn't ready yet. I guess you'll just have to wait and see what new things the coming days will bring.
On a side note. Her concern about university is very legit. College changes you quite a bit. Few couples actually do make it through college, but some do.
Her fear and reason are doing battle. Throw in her emotions and that's the making for a perfect storm.
You're trapped at the moment. Something is going to need to be sacrificed if you want to move on. She wants to turn back time, but I think you've reached your tipping point and rightfully so. After all, who is better for her to be with than the person she goes to when things go wrong? I just hope she'll realizes it. After all, you don't want to be her fallback. She's hoping you can become each other's fall back, but right now she's your number one but you're not hers in the same way. You deserve to be someone's number one.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSorry to bring this back up again, but it seems like the situation has changed yet again. We managed the whole no talking thing for the long period of about 2 days and we began speaking again, it was very brief and generally it was her to initiate. I could just about not speak to her, but if she starts a conversation I always find myself replying.
Anyway yesterday she started a conversation saying "So, we're really doing this whole no talking thing then?" and I asked her what she would do in my position and after a long conversation discussing it for what seemed like the millionth time I seemed to have managed to get out of her what she felt. She said that she didn't want to be the one to break my heart as I haven't been in a serious relationship before. She also said that although it would be great, at some point it would end as we have university next year (although we are both situated pretty close to each other if we get the required grades) and she wants me to have more experience if we were to have anything. She said she didn't want to make it seem like she was giving me hope, but she could see herself being with me, but rather than being my first she would want to be my last. In her own words "relationships at this age don't last, but friendships like ours do and I can't loose you". She said experience is important to her and that after I've had a few more girlfriends and more experience (I'm making it sound like she was being patronizing, but it didn't come across that way) she could see herself feeling that way about me.
What seems to now put me in a very awkward situation is how do I go about this? I could just about not speak to her knowing nothing would ever come about (and I really struggled after 2 days). But this now changes things in my eyes. I don't know how to deal with this and I would really like some input, I think I should still speak to her and be her friend, but perhaps back off a bit? I'm not sure. She means everything to me, but thats also the reason it still is really painful if I were to see her with anyone else, which is bound to happen as she always seems to be able to get who she wants due to her personality, her looks etc etc.
She's desperate for our friendship to stay as it was and she said at the risk of sounding selfish, cutting contact will pretty much eliminate any chance of anything happening in the future because although she's not ready for a long term relationship now, if the time came when she was and we hadn't spoken in a while she couldn't see herself bringing it up in conversation and inevitably that would be with someone else.
I really don't know how to take this, I value our friendship as much as she does, but I don't know if I can just be friends even if it is just for the time being. Am I right in keeping contact, but trying to back off a tiny bit? Please, your responses are important to me :). Sorry to bring this topic back from the dead.
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (24 December 2010):
Well, I'm very sad to hear this. My sincere condolences. It's a great shame that she decided to pass on this. I still think she's conflicted, but she made her choice. I'm very sorry it didn't work out.
Thank you for the update.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI wish I could be the bearer of good news, but unfortunately it seems this relationship has run its course. Her minds set in stone on it and I guess it is time to try and move on. When bringing up that sex would follow in its own course and wouldn't feel as weird as kissing doesn't now she said that it didn't feel right kissing me, but that it also didn't feel wrong, she didn't know what she felt but that it seemed slightly incestuous. To be honest, I know I would wait for her to be ready, but I'm really doubting that its a case of time rather than she simply doesn't want to be with me and so we've both agreed that we shouldn't speak to each other and as painful as it is I can understand that in the long run it's the most sensible option. Thank you for all your help Dirtball :).
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (23 December 2010):
It sounds like you handled that perfectly. Good call resisting kissing her. That poor conflicted girl. She's starting to realize it, but it's just taking her a while.
"She said the only time she doesn't wish she was doing something else is when she is with me..."
This right here speaks wonders. She just needs to realize what it means. It means she should be with you. She's very afraid right now. Her concern about sex is valid, but at the same time if you didn't feel like a brother when you were kissing, then it's safe to assume sex would be the same.
Sex changes a relationship and there is no going back. I know that's getting ahead of ourselves, but that's also what she is concerned about. Hopefully she realizes that no matter what, at this point, the relationship has already changed so it is worth it to see where those changes take you.
Details are important. Without them we can only generalize and assume about the things we don't know. Details allow us to focus our conjecture. No apologies necessary.
Where to go from here? That's a tough call. You need to give her room to think, but if you give her too much time she may over-think things. Did you discuss a follow up? If not, you should thank her for talking to you the other night and say you want to talk again, but you want to give her a little time to think. Ask her to promise you to talk to you about this again soon, when she's hopefully ready.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI asked to meet up with her for a talk about our situation and she agreed, so we went for a drink and to discuss and I told her everything that I thought and how no contact really wasn't working and it was apparent since both of us were still in contact. I focused on the points you brought up and they helped Dirtball, she said she wasn't sure still however. She also said that she couldn't give me a chance right now, that it would be too weird, as long as we've known each other it is like I'm her brother and that she couldn't imagine us having sex and that makes her wonder if it would ever be like a normal relationship or just a friendship with a title. She said although she doesn't think I'm physically bad looking since we have had such a history she doesn't find me sexually attractive and she said she didn't see that that would change, which of course is fair enough I guess.
She also understood that I couldn't stay friends. That I can't be the guy that helps her with all her issues with other guys, it hurt me in the past, but now that I spent that weekend (which was the best of my life) with her, I can't go back to that and she said that she "can't go on knowing our friendship is gone" and that she never thought I wouldn't be there. What made me question her was when she said that when she's out she wishes she stayed in and when she stays in she wishes she was out, but she's realised that it's neither that she wants. She said the only time she doesn't wish she was doing something else is when she is with me, even if that means just watching some TV at either of our houses or going out. I just don't fully understand how if she wants to spend all her time with me that she wouldn't want to take our relationship to the next level. I asked her what all this meant and what we were going to do with our situation, but she was very evasive and I couldn't get an answer out of her, so we left it at that, I hugged her goodbye and I really wanted to kiss her, but I felt had I done that that I would have simply made the situation worse.
I understand if this situation is getting a bit too detailed, and I've very much appreciated your input so far, it has helped me greatly, but please don't feel obliged to answer if you don't want to.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI asked to meet up with her for a talk about our situation and she agreed, so we went for a drink and to discuss and I told her everything that I thought and how no contact really wasn't working and it was apparent since both of us were still in contact. I focused on the points you brought up and they helped Dirtball, she said she wasn't sure still however. She also said that she couldn't give me a chance right now, that it would be too weird, as long as we've known each other it is like I'm her brother and that she couldn't imagine us having sex and that makes her wonder if it would ever be like a normal relationship or just a friendship with a title. She said although she doesn't think I'm physically bad looking since we have had such a history she doesn't find me sexually attractive and she said she didn't see that that would change, which of course is fair enough I guess.
She also understood that I couldn't stay friends. That I can't be the guy that helps her with all her issues with other guys, it hurt me in the past, but now that I spent that weekend (which was the best of my life) with her, I can't go back to that and she said that she "can't go on knowing our friendship is gone" and that she never thought I wouldn't be there. What made me question her was when she said that when she's out she wishes she stayed in and when she stays in she wishes she was out, but she's realised that it's neither that she wants. She said the only time she doesn't wish she was doing something else is when she is with me, even if that means just watching some TV at either of our houses or going out. I just don't fully understand how if she wants to spend all her time with me that she wouldn't want to take our relationship to the next level. I asked her what all this meant and what we were going to do with our situation, but she was very evasive and I couldn't get an answer out of her, so we left it at that, I hugged her goodbye and I really wanted to kiss her, but I felt had I done that that I would have simply made the situation worse.
I understand if this situation is getting a bit too detailed, and I've very much appreciated your input so far, it has helped me greatly, but please don't feel obliged to answer if you don't want to.
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (22 December 2010):
I definitely want to know how this works out!
"I'm willing to wait as long as need be, she's worth it and all the hurt that is happening now in my eyes."
Tell her this. This is the kind of statement that defines love. Ultimately you want her happiness, even if it means your pain. That kind of love is hard to find, and she should cherish it if she know's what's good for her.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your insight Dirtball, the feedback was really helpful and I'll be sure to take your advice and hopefully everything will go alright, I'm willing to wait as long as need be, she's worth it and all the hurt that is happening now in my eyes. Once again thanks and I'll be sure to update this at some point to let you know (if you want to know how) your advice took.
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A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (22 December 2010):
 I can only say a loud "A-MEN"!! to what Dirtball has told you.
His advice is top notch.......good luck!
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (22 December 2010):
She pretty clearly has strong feelings for you but is really conflicted. Part of her wants to go for it, but part of her is too afraid to lose a friend. I can completely understand.
I would like to congratulate you on finally telling her how you felt about her. As someone who also has harbored a crush on a close friend for far too long I know how much courage that took. The emotional rollercoaster that followed is far from ideal sadly.
I think you two need to sit down again. Obviously no contact isn't working and quite frankly I feel like your partner should be your best friend. Those are the relationships that last. So sit down and talk. My focus would be on our long standing friendship, on our level of comfort in our communication, and how I felt when I kissed her. Reassure her that you want to take things slowly, but that you really do want to try it. Point out that the fact that her reasons for not dating you keep changing is because she's unsure, so shouldn't she at least give it a chance instead of missing an opportunity for something great?
Her friends put a lot of pressure on her when they said she had to choose something. You need to reassure her that you didn't intend for things to happen so quickly and that she doesn't have to choose right away, that you simply want a chance.
Good luck. I'm pulling for you!
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