A
male
age
30-35,
*phex
writes:Ok I'm gunna jump straight into it. Me and my friend have been friends for a couple of years now we went out near to when we met (bad idea) and it didnt work out, she sorta didnt want to kiss n just didnt feel the same way about me compared to how she did to start with.Somehow, I become really good friends with ex's and this one in particular has become very very close. Throughout our relationship as friends we've had bumpy patches where we've fallen out over really silly little things but recently for the last year, even though I talk/spend nearly every day with her we havnt even had a dip like.. nothing negative has come from hanging out with her a lot recently. While I'm back from Uni anyway, we skype each other nearly every day/every other day when I'm at uni.We've been very close for ages and people have often said why dont we go out etc etc and she often jokes it off so I join in that because at first I didnt think of her that way but now I think I do. She often refers us to like brother and sister. Dont get me wrong I absolutely love our close relationship, love talking and spending time with her etc shes practically the only person I tell secrets and personal things to (we talk about personal things alot) we have massive trust in each other. We've both been there for each others bad times etc including her holding my hand during stitches at hospital and me offering to walk with her in the middle of the night due to a sudden panic attack - stuff like that. We often play fight errr we also sometimes talk about our sexual experiences and relationships etc I get jealous hearing hers and I hope she gets jealous over mine. Petty huh?You get the idea!So you can guess where my question is leading, I'm beginning to think I want more than just friends. I mean people say it all the time and I'm starting to believe it too. We are very similar in personalities which is the secret to our very close friendship. So we're perfectly suited. What my question is, is how do I go about it?? It's all very well just telling her but I've tried hinting kindaaa through jokes and when people say we should get together including my mum she jokes it off (e.g. my mum says "you dont see the way she looks at you", I tell my friend my mum said that and she responds with something like "Yea in disgust!" or something) Jokes like that come out.If I straight up tell her I could seriously affect the relationship to my closest n best friend, I'd be lost without the close relationship. How do I get into the gf/bf zone without negatively affecting the perfect relationship/friendship if it goes badly. Is there even a way? Suggestions?? Any ways to hint more without scaring her?
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male
reader, dirtball  +, writes (27 December 2010):
 LOL, I should have said I never figured out how to SUCCESSFULLY get out of the friend zone.
Actually, the points that Cerberus makes are spot on. Much of what he has said hits home for me, because like you OP, I too have a crush on a close friend. He's right about those feelings becoming torture. Unrequited love is a pain that doesn't go away without you doing something. That something is usually confessing your feelings, being rejected, and then cutting the individual out of your life because continuing with them is just too hard.
It usually doesn't work out. In your case, it probably won't either for the reasons that Cerberus laid out. In those rare times when it does, the relationship is usually a great one as I have heard some success stories, but they are more the exception that proves the rule.
Also, Cerberus did make a good point that the "brother" zone is even harder to get out of than the "friend" zone.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2010): "Is there even a way?" Not in your case no.
Dirtball gave you some great insight and plenty to think about. There is one thing he never mentioned though which is absolutely vital.
Now Dirtball said he could never figure out how to get out of the friendzone. Well I have and I'm sorry to say but it's not what you're going to want to hear. Now Dirtball said what he did from the perspective of getting out of the friendzone and into a relationship but that's not possible in your case (in fact it's pretty much never possible) and there really is only one alternative.
You see you already tried the relationship thing and it didn't work. Now you think because you're such good friends that there is a chance, you know? "we're so close now, surely we'd make better lovers" Your heart wants to hope even though your head tells you that it won't.
She doesn't feel that way though, she considers you like a brother and seriously, when a girl says that she means it. And no girl would ever consider sleeping with their brother, no healthy girl anyway. There is absolutely no way that a girl would risk a brotherly relationship with a guy by adding sex and romance to it, she wouldn't have become your friend if that's what she wanted.
I hate to say it to you but if it was going to happen it would have. You need to stop listening to your mom and your friends that say you should be together, you're as together as you will ever be.
Now back to the original point that vital thing that Dirtball didn't mention, well it's simple really. The fact that you have feelings for her, very strong feelings for her means this friendship is most likely doomed to failure anyway. You see your feelings for her will just continue to grow the only thing that can stop those feelings is distance but you can't/won't do that.
I have had a few of these situations and I've seen lots of other people in these situations and they always, ALWAYS end in one of these ways. The guy (or girl) stays close to their crush as friends, for months even years. All the while with romantic feelings that continue to grow. Slowly getting crushed by talk of exes and even more so when they start getting with other people.
You see that pain doesn't go away because you can't just turn off your feelings, it gets worse so it always comes to a head and the friendship becomes no longer viable. This ALWAYS happens. You see if you confess your feelings to her then she could feel completely and utterly betrayed that you were only her friend so you could get with her. I've seen that happen a hell of a lot.
The next possible scenario is things get too awkward. She'll no longer feel comfortable opening up to you anymore, she'll always have the specter of your feelings for her hanging over her head so she'll be constantly on guard so as not to hurt you. She'll feel really bad that your friendship with her is long slow crush and she won't be able to continue.
Now the final scenario is that you don't tell her, you then try to either get over your feelings for her or keep hoping that she'll feel the same. Now I don't care how many people disagree with me, or how many of the hopeless romantics that believe anything is possible, post some story about a couple who managed to do that. The simple fact in your case is that she sees you as a brother, brother means she doesn't see you in any kind of sexual way at all. Seriously girls don't call guys their brother if they're interested in him sexually.
You have two choices, tell her now how you feel and try and deal with the consequences (it will change everything, but that's not a bad thing because you will get closure and you'll be able to move on and deal with your feelings)
The second is that you say nothing, you try and stay just her friend all the while your feelings continue to grow, you get hurt by how close you are but never close enough,until something gives and it all falls apart.
The only advice I can give you is to talk to her now about it. You can't keep going living a lie with her, because you being her friend when you want more from her is a huge deception. All the time she's growing to trust and need you like a brother, you're pining for a romantic relationship with her. So your intentions aren't what she thinks they are. Even if you choose to sacrifice your own happiness to remain her friend and say nothing, you won't be able to sustain that in the long term. You'll just go crazy and explode.
So talk to her about it, that way you'll get some closure and put your mind to rest. Seriously not saying anything is a long drawn out hell, that you really shouldn't have to live it only gets worse too.
I wish you luck, I really hated being in this situation because it's a no win one, but the only way I ever dealt with these is to tell her straight out how I felt and honestly each time our friendship never returned to that closeness but that's a good thing because that's the only way my feelings never returned.
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (27 December 2010):
I can give no hints as to how to get out of the friend zone. I've never figured it out myself. But I may be able to help with a couple of your questions.
You cannot progress the relationship without risking what you have now. If you take it further and things don't work out, then you run the serious possibility of losing this friendship. Before attempting to take things further, you need to consider if this is something you're willing to risk losing. Even confessing feelings can change the dynamic of a relationship, so you need to be cautious. Weigh out what you think you want versus what you already have. Perhaps you'll figure out that you'd prefer to stay friends with her.
Often, when confessing feelings, it's best to just be honest. Trust that as a good friend she'll take you seriously and weigh her options. I know that many women have trouble seeing a person in a romantic light when they've been friends with him for a while, so be prepared for her to not feel the same. Do you think you could still be friends with her if she rejected you?
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