A
female
age
36-40,
*anety
writes:Hi.. I have this problem with my boyfriend... He constantly lies to me about weed. I am so against it and i tried to forbid him of using it.. He always hangs out with his friend that smoke weed, and he claims that he does not. I convinced him that i know , so he admitted it.. This has happened a few times, and i don't know whether i should trust him or not. I don't know if it's worth losing him. The biggest problem is that he lies about it.. I always tell him to come clean and tell me the truth but he always tries to convince me I'm wrong. I don't know if i should stay in that kind of relationship when he always lies to me.. I know he loves me, and he proves it, but i don't know how to go on with this when i am always afraid that he is going to lie to me again. Reply to this Question
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male
reader, GodJudgesAll  +, writes (2 January 2011):
Personally I think that he's not doing anything wrong by smoking weed. Not telling you about it is so that he doesn't upset you. He should come clean, but the truth is it's not like he's out there cheating. you yourself just mentioned that he proves it to you that he loves you. Me and my wife smoke together and we still have goals aspirations and what not. We don't let something like weed get in the way of things we need to do and what not. But if you're strongly against it, then you should really move on.
A
female
reader, Janety +, writes (29 December 2010):
Janety is verified as being by the original poster of the question I believe you are right.. he will change if he wants to... I can't do anything about it.. yes, it bugs me.. but, i have to deal with it.. thank you all:) you have been helpful, i really feel better now, i was so confused, and didn't know what to do... thanks Alot:)
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male
reader, dirtball +, writes (28 December 2010):
 You can't make someone change. Real change only happens when someone wants to do it for themselves. That means if he tries to change for you, it won't work either.
I was an ounce a week pothead in college. If you know anything about pot, you'll know that's A LOT. I decided I wanted to quit when I graduated and started looking for a job. I did it, cold turkey. Weed is easy to quit. You don't withdraw like you do on other drugs because it works differently in the brain. The problem often comes from the people you hang out with. For me, saying no when the joint or bowl was coming around wasn't a problem. I don't care if people do it around me, I just wouldn't do it. For some though, that temptation is too great. Therefore, they need to associate with all new friends. This is the hardest part for most people. They don't want to give up their friends, their friends do it and offer it to them, they are just too weak willed to say no. That sounds like your BF.
Ok, so you say you love him and don't want to leave him. Then don't make that the consequence. What about withholding sex? Think that might motivate him to show up to dates with clear eyes? Perhaps.
Remember, consequences need to be real and followed through upon. If they aren't, then there is no motivation to abide by whatever caused the consequence to be put in place.
This may sound out of place coming from an ex pothead, but really, it's one of the safest drugs he could be doing. It's waaaaaayyyy safer than alcohol even. It's just illegal. If you'd like me to quantify that, I'll be happy to.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2010): look, i told my girlfriend of 3 years now when we atarted dating that i have been smoking pot for about 7 years streight. i told her not to ever make me choose between her and pot because i cannot guerentee the outcome of my decision. however, i also promised that my pot usage will never interfear with our finances and i will never put pot abover her. and three years later we have a strong relationship and are expecting our first child. i still smoke and on a daily basis. i do not understand what the issue is here. does he treat you differently when he is high? does hi ditch you to go get high? if not and this is your only gripe in your relationship i say it is you that needs to get over it and not him. him lieing to you about it is not right either. it sounds like the two of you need to sit down and have this same kind of dicussion.
i had this dicussion with my girlfriend when things started getting serious, however i have always been upfront and honest about it and fufilled my end of our agreement. the best advise i can give someone is DONT DATE SOMEONE WITH THE INTENTION OF CHANGEING THEM date fall in love and if you both love eachother the changes you want will come because he loves you not because you forbade him.
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female
reader, Janety +, writes (28 December 2010):
Janety is verified as being by the original poster of the questionand i think you are right, dirtball, but i love him.. and i don't want to lose him.. :// i think he should change, but i don't know how to make him change..
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female
reader, Janety +, writes (28 December 2010):
Janety is verified as being by the original poster of the questionyeah, well, the last time he cried and sworn he won't do it again. and after he did, he told me- 'you should love me the way i am... I know i was a fool for lying to you, and i am sorry , but i didn't want to lose you...' And when i found out about it, i was mad at first, and broke up with him.. But then i realised that it's not worth it.. I mean, i really love him, and i don't want to lose him, i am still mad at him, and i barely talk to him, and it's been two days now, i just don't know how to respond.. Play cool?
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male
reader, dirtball +, writes (28 December 2010):
Here's the thing. If you're going to make a statement like, "If you smoke weed again, you'll lose me." You need to be willing to follow through. If you make a consequence for an action, that only works if the consequence happens. As it is now, he know's you'll be mad but ultimately won't do anything about it but complain and get in a fight with him. Empty threats hold zero motivation to make a change.
I think you should just end things with him. You're not happy. He's not likely to change the way you want. Besides, you should love the person you're with as they are. If you have to change someone so they can be with you, that's not right.
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female
reader, Janety +, writes (28 December 2010):
Janety is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWe have been together for almost seven months.. I really love him, but the problem is that he lies.. i told him i don't approve weed but i asked him to tell me when he does it.. But he didn't .. I knew he was doing it cuz i can see thru all his lies, but i tried to ignore it.. It has become ridiculous cuz i know when and with who he does it.. and it's obvious. Yesterday we had a fight about it, and then i said that he can do it, because i don't wanna lose him over that. but then, we once had a fight a bout it, then we broke up and he sworn to me that he won't do it.. And i told him that if he does it, he would lose me.. and he kept doing it.. Now i don't know if he finds it more important than me, since he can't stop... That's what I'm afraid of.. :/
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reader, Mjfbla +, writes (28 December 2010):
 Seriously..he lies because he is doing something which he doesnt feel is bad and he knows if you know youll make a bigger deal of it then he wants. You have to make a decision. Ignore the lying for a second. Is him smoking a big enough reason for you to break up with him? If its not then you need to sit down with him, and tell him that while you dont agree with his choice you respect that its his to make and you CANT change him. Let him know that him lying to you bothers you more then anything. Then make a promise. Tell him from here on out I want to know when you do it. I wont get angry, but I want to know the truth. Its basically please dont lie. But you have to make sure he doesnt feel that he will get in trouble for being honest with you.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2010): You ask the wrong question. The question should be why you are making it a deal breaker. Not that it isn't but what does he do whilst high that is so unforgivable.
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female
reader, angelDlite +, writes (28 December 2010):
 hi
he's bound to lie to you about this coz he thinks it'll give him an easier life. this weed thing is obviously a big issue for you, you're asking him to change this but he doesnt seem to want to. how long have you been with him? if he doesnt want to stop doing it he should at least have the balls to tell you he doesnt want to stop. do his good points outweigh his bad? if not maybe you should let him go and then your free to meet someone who isn't into weed and likewise he is free to meet someone who doesnt mind him smoking it. this relationship is not going to be a peaceful one until one of you backs down over this matter. also i dont like his lying to you, can see why he has but i would worry does he lie about other things too
xx
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2010): How would you feel if a guy you dated was against girl's wearing makeup because it has some harmful chemicals in it, (which it probably does), and you liked wearing make up and he was always checking up on you and being like, oh did you wear make up? And you have lipstick on and you were like, no, no make up today. And then he was like, You lied! How could you!
It's ridiculous. You can't change people. You can't try to control people. He is your boyfriend, not your puppet. He has to make the choice himself. You are trying to control him. He smokes weed. I am sure you do things that he is not crazy about. Is he giving you a hard time?
If you don't like that he smokes than stop wasting each other's time and just break up with him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2010): Either you can accept his "weed" smoking or leave him. Nagging, begging, crying, being upset, having long discussions and etc. will not give him the genuine desire to stop it. Remember, we can't change a person....we can only influence them.
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female
reader, shawtygottclazz +, writes (27 December 2010):
the reason why he doesnt come clean about it is because he doesnt want to upset you because he knows you dont approve of it. i dont think you should end your relationship over this to be honest.
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male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (27 December 2010):
 I agree with dirtball. You've done the song and dance with this guy and he keeps going behind your back in order to smoke dope.
If this is the type of behavior you want from your boyfriend, then stick it out. Otherwise it's time to find someone new.
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male
reader, dirtball +, writes (27 December 2010):
He lies because he knows you disapprove. What benefit would coming clean have for him? You'll still be upset.
He's not likely to change this habit. Can you accept him smoking pot? If not, perhaps it's just better to end it.
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male
reader, 1DrLove +, writes (27 December 2010):
Dump him till he no longer does what it is that you don't want him to do.
You should make him go to an NA (narcotics anonymous) meeting. Lots of former pot heads go to that.
The main problem with pot heads is they lack motivation. You don't want to be with someone without goals (other than to smoke weed).
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