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anonymous
writes:I need help really badly. My son he has been down for the last year or so. He had a girlfriend who he loved a lot. He did things for this for this girl that were super romantic and she reciprocated. I liked her. 5 years later,, and I repeat my son is the "long term relationship" guy who could definitely make a girl happy. He is good-looking, becoming a doctor, respects girls, fun loving, and romantic. They are now 21. He told me she cheated on him. He has gone crazy for the last 6 months. He always had abs but now is always working out. He gets in everyone's face and confronts them. He spends all his time with his guy friends, cut contact from all his "girl friends", barely speaks to me anymore, and works in college 24/7 as well. His girlfriend came and told me that he exploded when she told him about it and he started wrecking his room and told her to "Get the f*** out". I approached him and he started tearing and said he feels "not like a man", inadequateand forever disillusioned. He says he wants to be the guy to hurt girls in the future and be the rich "a**hole" who "gets back at everyone". I tried to change his attitude and he hasn't. He said he feels like he never will be confident again with any girl because he now believes.. all girls are "whores". What do I do? I want my son the way he was before.. loving and a decent boy, not a vengeful girl hurter. NOTHING I HAVE SAID HAS CONVINCED HIM Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2010): To the OP -
Why do you want to change him? What is your motivation in deluding him into thinking the world is all happiness and rainbows and kittens and cinnamon buns?
The fact is he *has* been emasculated, and he *has* been cuckolded. He has finally woken up to reality and he is taking steps to align the manner in which he conducts his life to that reality.
From this point forward he will be stronger, he will no longer be a doormat for women to walk all over, he will no longer trust anyone with a pretty smile. He will be a better man. I know it's not politically correct, and I know it is contrary to the pop-feminist ethos that dominates society today, but it's true. He will emerge from this a real, honest to god man, in control of his life and his relationships.
This is a good thing. Don't fight it.
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reader, Odds +, writes (29 December 2010):
 @ OPI'm not certain how to help with his perception of the worth of modern day girls. The problem with any distinct group of people is that it's way too easy, especially when angry, to only notice the bad examples - this is due to the same psychological mechanism which makes newspapers sell better when they report disaster and scandal.Having someone to pull you back down to earth helps a bit.He will be more receptive to change if his emotions can be worked through. Not ignored - worked through, allowed to run their course in the most constructive way possible. Counselling is the way to go; the success rate for depression and similar issues is pretty decent. Be sure to picka good one, though; you don't want to have to shop around too much.Failling that, there are some questions I can think of which you could go over with him. Take the time to work through the answers with each one - don't let him jsut snap off a quick retort, try and think through it. Take a minute to arrange these in whatever order you think best, and feel free to rephrase them, or add to them, or omit ones that wouldn't work. It's probably best to do this only if you can't get him to a professional therapist."Is your masculine identity really in the hands of others? Do the actions of one woman determine whether you are a man?""How is it manly to be so concerned with what other people think? Why is your 'reputation' more important than adherance to your own ethical standards?""It's valid to be careful who you trust. Why is it valid to simply refuse to trust anyone?""Why does it make you weak to accept compassion? Why does it make you strong to hurt others?" (If he is Christian, there are all sorts of writings on the virtues of the weak. Not sure about other religions, but if similar things exist, you can look at those)"We can agree that she betrayed you, that what she did was inexcusable. How do you win if you become the vessel by which her betrayal begets many more betrayals? Do you really want to let one person's actions dictate how *you* treat so many more?"To try and get him to talk to a counsellor, remind him that even the manliest men in history have lost battles, and have sought help. George Washington lost battles. Jim Braddock accepted welfare payments. Ike Eisenhower had to delegate control of major military campaigns to several people because he could not do everything himself. God only konws how many great men have been cheated on. And every single manly-uberman in history cried to his mother about a skinned knee at least once. There's no shame in failure; the shame is in letting it define us. Tell him that. Good luck.
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reader, Impartial_Opinion  +, writes (28 December 2010):
As well as convincing him to do some therapy, you could suggest he takes up a sport such as kickboxing - it may help to get rid of some pent up aggression.
Ask him if he wants to be this way and live his life like this, if he says yes then you need to concentrate on changing is mind set and if he says no then you can guide him in making him feel better about himself.
As for the girlfriend, I suggest you try to cut her out. It will make the healing process easier(if healing is ever easy) and remember it all takes time.
Give time, time.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMy son feels like he isn't respected anymore. I know this is a big reason. He always had pride in himself. But he feels like since he is cheated on, no one will give him any respect as "a man" anymore, he can fool with others. Please I need to know what to do though, I can't sit back. It hurts to see him in this much pain.
Odds, his best friend, also worried about him, told me he once said.. " If only girls were like they used to be". You are right. My son has soo much misplaced aggression and he has said that he won't ever go to counseling, saying it's "a way for people to pity you, while making you think they help you". I want my son back. What direct things can I do?
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reader, Tutti  +, writes (28 December 2010):
All that I wanted to say has already been said. As a parent myself, my heart goes out to you.Let him deal with the hurt in his own way. Be there for him. He is more than welcome to hurt girls if he wants but this will not bring him any joy and you should drum this into his head. He will come around sooner or later and he will meet a decent girl that will turn his life around.For now, good luck - you will need it. More than anything else, be there for the boy. He needs you now more than ever....even though he might not act it or say it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2010): This boy is on edge miss and he needs counseling. His behavior seems erratic and a possible risk to society. He has some anger issues definitely and possible depression. It wouldnt hurt for him to sit and talk with a professional and get a game plan going for his mental health so he can move on. My best his way for the new year :)
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reader, Sweet-thing +, writes (28 December 2010):
 Your son has to heal on his own terms but you can use illustrations from your own experiences (or maybe someone close to you) and give him some ideas on how he can put things back into perspective again. I think he should consider counseling if he's not too macho or proud. It will help him work through his bitterness and anger and put it to better use. Lots of men work out their frustrations by plunging themselves into work, or hitting the gym, but I admit his attitude is not healthy. Not only that but bitterness eats away at your heart and your health like a cancer. It's like drinking poision but expecting the other person to die. He needs to be reassured that he's not alone. Lot of people have been betrayed by a loved one, but not all women cheat. If he's honest with himself, he may discover that there were signs he ignored. He just needs to tune into his senses and pay attention. Being bitter and lashing out at every woman who glances at another man is only going to turn him into a psycho and if he's pushing steroids, the results could be fatal. I wish you the best. Just keep giving him encouragement and unconditional love and show him that there are still plenty of nice people left in the world.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2010): Perhaps YOU need to cut this girl off completely from your life. I know u are trying to be fair and trying to be there for her as well but I think u are doing more harm. She needs a lesson to be taught to her.
LoveGirl
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2010): He is pain so all you can do is listen to him when he does talk to you and not judge what he is feeling because as other people said he needs to grieve and anger is a part of that. It's a horrible and humiliating experience to be deceived and hurt like that by the person you loved and trusted the most, especially if you have a lot of pride. Maybe he is too proud. It will take time for him to really feel the pain and to start to let go of the anger. Right now it sounds like he is masking the pain with anger.
It sounds like he might benefit from some counseling, would he consider that an option? I would try to counsel him not to date at all right now as he could do severe emotional damage to others. Hurting other women is not going to help, it will only damage him more.
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reader, Tasmanian devil +, writes (28 December 2010):
 i think what everyone is forgetting is they were together for five years that is a really really long time and clearly he didnt sto loving her in all that time. the love has now just converted to hate and he needs time to come to terms with whats happened and it cant be helping if shes still there in his life.
this period is one of grief with support from a parent like you im sure he'll find his way
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2010): i know how he might feel i was always a strong girl always ambitious and in the end always loving and trying to accomadate my ex in every way possible put my life in hold and gave up alote but in the end he strung me along for months and cheated on me...after that i hated men and i used them dont get me wrong i didnt sleep with anyone or nothing im not that kind of person but still i did to one guy what my ex did to me string me along...in the long run i finally had a "break though" im better now same as always more or less i have that guy as a frnd nuthn more the only thing is my ex still calls me and txt but i ignore him he lives two hours away and he came to visit i turned my back on him i gave him his second chance he f***ed it up never again...they r some good guys out there but its not him...but let your son confront his demons you cant offer much support just let him know your their for him anything he needs and just love him...theres girls who need that kind of man in their life dont let them be deprived so to say alote of guys nowadays as jerks dont respect noone no matter who they are. your son doesnt sound like that for the sake of everyone lets hope for the best
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question She knows. I know their family but we aren't as close as anymore. Everytime the family will be at a party, my son refuses to come. Once they were there at the same time and he drove home. She is upset (she came crying to me). Ever since he was a kid, he was the masculist type. He had too much pride to even let his father plow the snow. He would never want to seem weak in any situation. I told him once about getting over it to be happier and he said.. "you don't understand. I'm nothing now. I'm just the guy who's been cuckolded. Who has been cheated. I am never going to have my reputation as a man back." Then he broke off and started doing exercises that went until he basically fainted. I think he is looking to be masculine again. He ripped every card he from her, threw everything back at her, and won't talk to anybody for long. He has always been straightedge too but I fear he might lose that also I am scared because he is losing it
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reader, Dreamer1988 +, writes (27 December 2010):
 First of all, good job for being a caring father. Secondly, here's what you do. Let him figure this one out on his own. You can't make the pain go away- he has to figure it out that not all girls cheat and there are nice girls out there. You can tell him that, but the only way he can know that is if he experiences it himself. That means he needs time, because he won't come across one randomly anytime soon probably (especially if he has that attitude). Just let him know that you are there for him whenever (not hard to do since I can tell you care) and he'll figure out how to deal with this on his own. :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2010): What the other's are saying is true. It is natural, a part of life to go through these cycles when you have experienced loss and been hurt. He is grieving that's all.
I have been through exactly this before. After being dumped by my ex boyfriend (who turned out to be such a d*ck) and shortly after being dumped by this other guy who I really liked, I became very bitter. I was so hurt. I told myself that I would never let this happen to me again. I was angry at men and I broke a few hearts. It was a defensive reflex more than anything. Having been hurt by people I put so much trust in and faith in, I was very skeptical. If someone who supposedly "loved" me would be capable of treating me this way, what's to say perfect strangers that I meet wouldn't do that and worse. I didn't trust anyone.
I was a real a**hole. I dated a lot of guys and broke a lot of hearts and felt no remorse. At that point in my life I felt that if I didn't hurt them, they would eventually hurt me. So why not be callous.
What your son went through was huge. He is a very passionate kid. He put so much heart into this woman. And she took him for granted. Let him grieve. If he couldn't trust the woman he loved who can he trust? That's how he sees it now. He is going to have to go through the motions. He will break a few hearts. He will be bitter. Time heals all wounds. Eventually he will revert back, perhaps a bit stronger and alot wiser. This is a learning experience for him so let him go through the motions.
My episode with my own grieving after that break up really taught me alot. I was so skeptical that I actually became more selective than I had ever been. It really heightened my senses and perceptions of others. Eventually (about a year and a half later) I ended up meeting someone better, more successful, cooler, more loving, more interesting, more wordly, more educated, more fun, more in sync with me and my world view and my ideas, my desires than anyone I had ever dated. He taught me so much about life and love. He ended up being the great love of my life.
Had I never been dumped, I would have probably still been dating the ex who out of naivety and inexperience I thought was so great and would have never met a guy who I ended up loving a million times more. Had I never become bitter and skeptical I would have never become selective enough to weed out all the boys that weren't right and find the little needle in the haystack I ended up finding because I bitterly waited without giving up.
Everything happens for a reason. Your son has alot to learn and alot to gain from what has happened. Let him learn it, let him be. What is happening to him is natural. It is God's way of steering him in a different direction. He has something to learn. Let him go through the motions. And just be there for him and show him love.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2010): First off, he didn't cause her to cheat.
Nothing he did, even if he was a capital a-hole could cause her to cheat. Cheaters do this for many reasons.
He's training to become a doctor, he needs to read a bit on why people cheat, and not from the internet.
Have him get some books on affairs and read them. It will help him understand. If he understands, then he won't go on to be just like his gf was.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2010): While your son is going through the grieving process what has his gf been up to?
Is she still a part if his life?
Is she his ex now? Are they broken up?
Maybe u need to tell her just how much she Has damaged him. S that she may think twice before destroying another mans life?
LoveGirl
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reader, Odds +, writes (27 December 2010):
Dirtball is right about the grieving process.
I'd like to add that trying to tell him "Not all women are like that," or "She made a mistake," or any other excuse either for her or for women in general is going to be counterproductive. He's likely seen the behavior of typical college girls today, and disapproved to begin with. What his girlfriend damaged most was not his respect for women, but his belief in the exceptions to the rule. He either doubts the exceptions exist, or does not believe he can tell when a girl is an exception.
Frankly, you can't offer him proof that even one girl on the planet is good, and right now all that's on his mind is how vulnerable you are when you trust one.
What he needs is, first, time. Then, an example of a good girl. Now, the quickest route to that is the one he's taking - go out and break a few hearts, see that he's hurt someone innocent, feel remorse and become a good guy again (or, just as likely, become a full-time player). The better route, though, would be for him to abstain from dating for a month or three (maybe more, depending on how he feels. Five years is a long time). Completely abstain - no finding dates, no flings, no bar crawls looking to score, no introductions at parties, nothing.
During that time, you need to be on his side. Commiserate over what a bad girl she was. Tell him how sorry you are that he was betrayed. Put all the blame on her, the little slut, and not on all women. Later, you can ask him if hurting others will really make him feel better.
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reader, Jen1689 +, writes (27 December 2010):
 What you have to understand is, being cheated on for a guy robs them of any and all self-esteem and confidence they hold for themselves. Especially a boy as devoted to this girl as your son was. Being in a relationship for five years, building up their futures together, having a constant source for passion, romance, and friendship, providing everything and having a promising future...It somehow wasn't enough for her. She threw it in his face by, not breaking up with him to find herself or experience life, but by running to ANOTHER GUY. He feels that he was doing all the wrong things. He feels, "why should I respect women and treat them right when this is all it gets me? Why should I put all my trust and hope into something when it can be broken and thrown away without a second thought?" I appreciate what you're trying to do for your son, but you have to understand that his entire world has flipped upside down because of ONE girl's selfishness and betrayal. He's got to get his anger and hurt out before he can start forgiving himself for the situation. He's probably angry at himself that he wasn't able to satisfy her needs (or whatever it was she wanted). Don't worry, he'll get back on track again. You just have to let him do what he will to move past it.
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reader, dirtball +, writes (27 December 2010):
 Well, he shouldn't forgive her if he doesn't feel like it. She did him wrong, he's hurt and acting out.
"I'll never ever forgive all women for the hurt one caused me!" (my approximation of his message)
How old does he sound there? Surely not 21. Surely not someone who's almost a doctor. To me, he sound like he's 5. So what does that mean? He's in the grieving process right now. Remember, the loss of a long term relationship is like the death of someone you were close to. The grieving process is the same. Denial, bargaining, anger, depression and acceptance. He'll get through this. He may break a couple of hearts, but his conscience will get to him. You have to trust you raised him right, but also realize that there is nothing you can do right now despite how much you want to. Some lessons in life have to be learned the hard way.
The more you push this, the more you'll drive him away. It's ok to tell him you don't agree with his choices, but let him know you're his mom and will always love him.
Everyone gets hurt. Tons of people cheat. Right now he feels hurt, alone, confused, betrayed, emasculated, and any number of other emotions. That's all natural. He'll realize that this shit happens eventually. How he's acting now is like a spoiled child who didn't get his way. Let him. Quit feeding his energy. Let him be pissed at the world and let him find out it brings no happiness.
Let him learn this one the hard way. You don't really have the option of anything else anyway.
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reader, doublejack +, writes (27 December 2010):
I'm afraid dirtball is correct. While I can empathize with you as I am myself a parent, the hard reality is that some things our children must get over by themselves. Your son is only 21 and has had his heart broken (crushed and ripped out, really) for the first time. It hurts, badly. Most of us have experienced this at one point, but the only way to learn how to get over someone is to actually go through it.
Time and life experience will help your son get back to the good guy he was before. For now he's disillusioned and bitter. Someday he'll get over that, and it might take the right girl to come along.
For now all you can do is be supportive.
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reader, CaringGuy +, writes (27 December 2010):
I would strongly urge you to speak to your doctor about your son, and explain that you think he's in trouble. Your son's mental health is going to put him in danger. Right now he's angry. But he may slip into depression if he starts to burn out, and that won't take long at this rate. And if he's that angry, then maybe he will be depressed enough to do something stupid.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDirtball,
The thing is. He always knew what girls want. His girlfriend was infatuated with him because he was as she told me a lot "the perfect boyfriend". He knows how to be sincere, kind, loving, manly, and strong. Being cheated on has made him feel like he can never be confident or manly ever again. He tortures himself with exercise. He is passionate. The cards he made this girl, the things he said to her. I think she would have been the luckiest girl ever to stay with him. She apologized to him for cheating and he won't have it. He's wounded and he still talks to his "girl friends" but not the same.. according to his best friend, who always has his back, He makes them guess, he makes them chase him, and he is inevitably going to "crush them". I need to help him. He is beyond reason. His father has been trying to talk to him, but it doesn't work. He says he will never ever forgive for being emasculated. ever.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2010): Hi!
Very sorry to this. His logic is fault and I say respectfully as he's drawing a generalization about women from this one specific experience. Perhaps mention that and show him how his thought process is wrong. He's going to say things out of emotion and I wouldnt take them to heart as he's young, arguably immature (I say respectfully tho), and he's very discouraged. I bet he feels he put a lot into the relationship and the end result was empty so he's lost faith and as a result, his confidence as well. He's had a year to recover and I will suggest counseling as chances are if he starts another relationship without curing his issues, he will drag his issues from this past relationship into it. I can easily see him not trusting a girl very well and for no reason. This is all normal. He's not an idiot or anything. I absolutely respect the kid and would take him to my gym and be his spotter and motivator...he's using that anger effectively i will add as the gym is his outlet. Encourage his positive behavior too as Im sure you do. Good luck here and youre a good mother for caring like this :)
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reader, dirtball +, writes (27 December 2010):
Nothing you're going to say can convince him either. He has to want to change his outlook. Don't worry, he'll change it one day when he meets a girl who inspires him to.
It's not uncommon for passionate people to behave in extremes like this. He was hurt so "fuck the world!" As he matures he will likely see the error in this line of thinking. For now, it's best to just sit back and let him live and make his own mistakes. Hopefully he learns from them before he hurts too many girls, but with an attitude like you describe, it's doubtful there will be any girls in his life to hurt anyway.
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reader, faenon  +, writes (27 December 2010):
 He needs to blow the steam off mind keep him in check for any man who mistreats a woman is a dog in my book be it verbal or physical abuse but sounds he is just raging from hurt after a while he'll be himself again unless its steroids that are causing an aggressive change.
But its a sad fact his got first real taste of how the world really works not every man or woman in this world is nice or honest unlike the rubbish that media portrays all you can do is tell him to be more careful with the next girl dont get attached too soon until he gets to know her better also tell him theres nothing wrong with a man crying either(specially if he feels he isnt a man for crying) it shows you have heart to express your feelings it's not a weakness and keeping them bottled up does more damage than talking about it.
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reader, Luckshot  +, writes (27 December 2010):
 Sound's like he got hurt realy badly there. Right now he's just venting and getting all the anger out of his system. This can take awhile but the way he was raised will shine thru in the end just hang in there and try to keep talking to him.
He might not want to yet, but just keep trying. Listen to him and what he says. It's hard but at the end of the day your his mum and he will listen to you. The right girl will come his way and change his attude back to how he was one day.
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