A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:About 4 years ago just after university, I had what I thought was a one night stand with an acquaintance who was in town over the weekend. At times over the years, he has come into town and propositioned me (sublety). Sometimes I said I couldn't (if I was seeing someone at the time) and sometimes, I had sex with him again. I enjoy his company, he's funny, intelligent, but I never think about him after the fact and I doubt he does either. We never talk outside of these occasional meetings that happen every couple months or so.Recently, I've had a difficult year, I was laid off, I had two relationships fail and I've felt discouraged in many aspects of my life. It's been lonely and isolating, so when I found myself in his city during these holidays, I called on him. He enthusiastically accepted my proposition. He was happy, fliratious, a bit nervous, but he was kind, genuine, and introduced me (to my surprise) to his brother. I don't really know what to make of it. I enjoyed it, but I woke up in the middle of the night beside him feeling awful...self loathing...paranoid...and I'm not really sure about what. Is it a big deal or I am just having latent catholic guilt? I can't even tell why it bothered me so much at the time. Do other people do this?...
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2010): Thanks for the good advice dirtball...I was probably looking to feel better than I did.
I have been thinking about moving, specifically to the city where he resides to increase my career prospects. I was turning the thought over with him during lunch a couple days ago and he seemed enthusiastic about it...Maybe when my life gets a little more stable, there would be a chance for more beyond the occassional hook-up. Who knows....
This is my first question on the site and I've been poking around and have stumbled over some of your posts. Anyway, you give excellent advice. Hope you keep giving. Have a happy holidays!
A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (28 December 2010):
 I agree with dirtball on this one. You called this guy hoping he'd make you happy and fill some of the depression that you've been having. Let's face it, you've lost your job and had two relationships not work. It's the holidays and emotionally, it can be a taxing time of year. From the sounds of it, you'd like a relationship and someone to love but you settled for something that is just a poor imitation of it.
You probably like this guy as a one-night stand, but you don't feel there is a bond. He probably introduced you to his brother as a matter of politeness, not necessarily that he wanted to take things further (at least that is what appears to be the case).
At any rate, your best bet is to look at 2011 as a chance to get on the right track again. Find someone who you can bond with and hopefully the right job will come around for you.
Best wishes for you in 2011.
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (28 December 2010):
 You thought this would make you feel better but it didn't. That's where your feelings are likely coming from. It could have also reminded you of something about yourself that you don't like. It could also have been that you like him more than you thought.
In any case, you've got a lot of stuff going on right now, so you don't really need to add drama. Having someone who can be there for you would be great, but he's not likely the guy for that job.
My best friend had a relationship like you describe with a girl for a few years. He had deep feelings for her which she reciprocated on occasion, and it kept him clinging on. Maybe this guy is similar, maybe not.
Sometimes we do things because we think they will make us feel better, but in the end we feel worse. That happens to all of us at some point I think. The key is learning from these mistakes. Don't discount what you felt, learn from it.
Good luck. I hope your life starts heading in a better direction!
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A
male
reader, lawyerbait +, writes (28 December 2010):
 Sounds like you're growing up. You would prefer to be in a real, honest, sharing relationship and casual sex just doesn't fill that need. There's no reason to feel guilty - you're an adult engaging in consensual behavior - but there's also little reason to engage in more such behavior since it makes you feel bad and to a certain extent, it's a perversion of your desires since you want and need more than you're getting from casual and non-committed dalliances with the (random?) partners of the opposite sex.Perhaps you should sit down with a sheet of paper and a pen, and write down a list of what you want in a relationship. Also write down a list of what you don't want - sometimes that's easier to define. Then, work on achieving your list by meeting new people and getting involved in activities with others who have similar beliefs and desires. You're young enough to meet several more prospective partners, and there's lots of time left before settling down. But that doesn't mean you should continue to engage in behavior that does not work towards your goal of being in a happy, giving relationship between two equal partners.
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