A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Okay, so here's my problem-o. I have a boyfriend, who I've been with for five months and counting. We've known each other for almost 4 years, and at first we were just friends with benefits (Before you guys judge me, we would only make-out, never have sex). Now that we go out, I notice that my boyfriend has been nothing but dead weight on me. He is 22, and he has no job, thus no money. Therefor, I pay for everything! From movie nights (theatre and DVD's), when we go out to eat, gas money, and even for condoms.Most of the time, he doesn't want me paying. But I'm the type of girl who likes to go out and have fun with her boyfriend, so I insist. But now it's becoming unbearable.When he does have money, he gets it from his dad, or his mom, who he is totally dependable on. He lives with her and she does almost everything for him, and he can't even help around the house unless she asks him to.Hhe says he does, but whenever I come around to visit, his mother is always complaining about something, which makes to come to believe that he only helps from time-to-time. He also has no car. He uses his mom's car to drive him around, and even me when we want to go somewhere. His dad has his car which he used to drive, but because of his unemployment, he couldn't meet the payments for it. So his dad was nice enough to take it from him and pay them himself. He can only get the car back when he gets a job.A while ago he lied about having a job, and a bunch of other things to me, too. I told him if it happens again, I would leave him. But he constantly says stuff like he "needs" me, and that he loves me, and that I'm everything to him, and if I were to leave him he wouldn't know what to do. But I can't continue to give this guy everything and receive so little.But I feel like I'm being unfair? I may have a job, but I don't have a car, either. I also know that times are hard out there, and it's difficult to find a job and get a house for yourself. Sometimes I feel like I'm being too hard on him.But there's also little things that he does, like making up excuses not to see me when there are plans (Especially when HE makes plans with ME). He ALWAYS makes excuses, even before we went out. Even though, there's a bond between us that I haven't felt with any other person I've been with. There's the bad, and there's the good. He's sweet and kind and we have so much in common and I can be my total self with him. I trust him, completely. I know he would never hurt me. And I LOVE his family. Oh, they're so sweet to me. )=But there are times when I think, I'm only 18, so I'm young. There will always be many other chances out there to find love, again. But I really don't know if I'll find a love like this.I really don't know what to do.
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male
reader, dirtball +, writes (30 December 2010):
 BIG RED FLAG!!! If his last GF left him for the same reason, and he still hasn't learned... He never will. You're college bound. Congratulations! College is a great experience and definitely worth it. He's a dropout who mooches off of everyone. That's just pathetic. I've had extended periods of unemployment too, but I contributed as much as possible. It felt shameful not to be able to support myself. Hell, even when I lived at my parent's house after college I paid them rent. It was the least I could do.
Nope, your man, excuse me BOY, doesn't get it, and he's not likely to. Do sit him down and tell him this. He needs to hear it regardless of how it may hurt him. If the people who love him don't tell him, who will?
Your boy's depression is an excuse. It's a crutch he's using to avoid responsibility. Depression is a real disorder and deserves respect, but I've known plenty of people who are clinically depressed who still manage their lives. Hell, my dad is one of them. People who use stuff like that as a cop out are truely pathetic in my eyes. I see people dealing with far worse things almost daily and they don't behave the way your boy is. How will those excuses fly when you're supporting him after mom kicks him out? Or if she doesn't, do you want to be with him as he reaches middle age still mooching off of others, probably still living in his mom's house?
Actions speak louder than words. Talk is cheap. Want me to keep throwing out cliche phrases? Even though they are cliche, they are very true.
Good luck. It sucks when people you love don't live up to their potential. All you can do is talk to them and hope, because THEY have to be the ones to do things in their life. You can't get his GED for him. You can't put him through school and make sure he goes. You can only hope to motivate him. Doesn't seem to be working too well.
Let him know that his BS cost him another GF. Maybe he will learn, maybe he won't. I think it's time for you to move on to the great things you're capable of and not put up with his crap anymore. It will be difficult, but worth it.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2010): @Dirtball; He told me he would try to find one when I brought it up in a casual conversation, but all he does is stay at home and play video games, stay on the computer, watch TV, sleep, etc. At least, that's what his mom tells me! And I have not been able to tell him, partially because I have yet to see/talk to him, and also because I am honestly a bit afraid to. There were some issues in our relationship because of some things that he did a while ago, and on top of that he has depression. I don't want to press on when he's so sensitive right now. But I really have no other choice because as you can see, this is really bothering me.
And I really don't know what I want from this relationship. I thought I want long-term, but now I'm not sure. He talks about marrying me, but I get scared when I think about things like that with him. I don't want him to be in this same spot 10 or 20 years from now if he continues to be with me. His last girlfriend broke up with him because of these SAME exact issues, and them some. She was going places, but he was still at home with mom. And now I'm thinking about doing the same. I'm in college and will be moving away to New York next year to finish my bachelor's degree. He talks about being a cop but he doesn't have a HS diploma or his GED. It's like he has no motivation, and I try my best to push him but I don't think he gets it.
Sometimes I think, if I break up this relationship, would that be enough for him to stop and think, "You know, I REALLY need to get my life back into gear?" I dunno.. )=
@Antroope; Thank you for your input. I will try. =)
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (29 December 2010):
Is he at least making an effort to find a job? Have you talked to him about the strain this is putting on you and the relationship?
Situations like this are very stressful. They are difficult to deal with because the truely important things in a relationship aren't bought with money. However, his situation could be giving you some warning signs too. Being unemployed is sometimes unavoidable, but what is he doing to change that? That speaks to his character and how he'll act in down times in the future. Also, the bit about him not helping around the house. You can expect that he will be that way with you unless you put your foot down.
You need to think about what you want. Do you want long term? Possibly marriage? If so, then those things are important, if this is just for now, then enjoy it.
Deep love is hard to come by. A connection like you describe should be cherished. However, love doesn't pay the bills, so some of those practical concerns are definitely things you need to consider.
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A
male
reader, antroope  +, writes (29 December 2010):
Talk out the problem with him...ask him why he doesn't want to find a job and try to convince him to get one.
Cuz I think that is the only problem you need to deal with. =/
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A
male
reader, antroope +, writes (29 December 2010):
Talk out the problem with him...ask him why he doesn't want to find a job and try to convince him to get one.
Cuz I think that is the only problem you need to deal with. =/
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