A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Okay so I am a 17 year guy and I went out with my girlfriend for about 7 months. This is the second time we've split up. The first time was due to me "not caring", not being sensitive enough and generally giving the vibe that I didn't care (despite my attitude towards her being quite the opposite). I then proceeded to take her out on a date, we talked it through, told each other we loved one another and then we were back on track. As the months went on, I felt my efforts with her were becoming wasted - little things weren't being appreciated and I started getting the feeling I was not wanted. Of course my natural reaction at this point was to up my game and to show her I care more which was my error. We started not having sex (at which I wanted to bring up but didn't want her to think that I thought the relationship was "sexually orientated" as she had claimed before) and after a month of this she split up with me. She did it over text, and so my immediate reaction was "Why over text?" rather than "Oh my god why why why?" The reason for this breakup was because I was "smothering" her. She has been going through a lot of stress with exams coming up which I don't have however her way of dealing with stress is far different to mine - mine being go to the one I love, talk to her, kiss her until I calm down. Her's way is to isolate herself and tackle the problem on her own, so my efforts to see her, hold her, kiss her etc. were not appreciated, leaving me feeling upset. Me taking it personally then became an added stress to her. Great.So I took a step back. I gave her some space but did talk to her. Her ex (who she lost her virginity to) kissed her the other night as he still has feelings for her. This resulted in (initially) her telling me whilst drunk, and following up with "He made me feel wanted and you don't". But then she saw sense in the morning, saw me before she went away for a week and apologised profusely. But as of yesterday things went bad again. She had a panic attack and was taken to hospital. This was caused by built up stress and anxiety which I can't help but feel responsible for. I then got the "You don't care" lecture from her today, and she feels she doesn't love me any more.What on earth do I do? Because our relationship used to be so great when there wasn't so much stress going on. In the summer we were so good and I know if we are good we are great. So ending it with her has been a thought, but a far one because I have no interest for anyone else.Please help me.
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male
reader, LovelessAct1  +, writes (30 December 2010):
Once again, I agree with dirtball. Ignore her attempts to reach to you. If her texts/messages become overbearing, it wouldn't hurt to send her a simple email stating that you think its best to remain without communication for the foreseeable future. This may be hard, because as I understand, a lot of you still wants to talk to her and be a part of her life. But its much better for you to cut yourself off with your dignity in tact.
Maybe after a few months, once you've established a new life for yourself, you can send a friendly message if you miss her as a friend. But if you still have feelings, stay away. Trust me, you'll be better off.
A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (30 December 2010):
 If she initiates contact you should ignore it or at most give short replies that do not initiate further communication. Carrying on conversations with her will just prolong your hurt. It will give you hope of change, feelings will stick around, and you may never get over her. Perhaps that's what she wants, but until she takes responsibility for her fault here, any relationship with her is going to be chaotic and end up hurting you in the end. Hell, even if she owned up to her problems that doesn't mean things will be better.
My last rollercoaster girlfriend was an incredible girl. Very smart, sexy, great in bed, open communicator... Great potential for a relationship. Early on though she started having issues. She'd be hot one minute and ice cold the next. I came to realize she wasn't over her last relationship yet. It was causing panic attacks, but she was sure (and I mean SURE) that wasn't the case. It told her it was, and that caused our break. She spiraled out of control. Started drinking heavily, sleeping around, you know, the typical self destructive stuff. A few months later she realized what she was doing. She called me up and told me I was right. She was sorry for hurting me because she wasn't ready when she thought she was. We became friends again, but really, I had little interest anymore. She will always be in my mind in the way she was when we were together. Seeing her and hanging out were simply out of the question. I realized that and distanced myself. That's what you need to do too.
It's possible to be cordial if you run into each other, but that's about the extent of any contact you should have. Best of luck. Moving on is difficult, but it will be worth it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI do need to start getting over it :/
But what if she initiates contact? She texted me yesterday saying she's back home and hoped that I was okay. when I replied with "How was the train journey? Had the longest fucking day at work. How are you?" I got no response.
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A
male
reader, LovelessAct1 +, writes (30 December 2010):
Like dirtball said, it probably is for the best. You seem like you have a good head on your shoulders and are very in touch not only with rationality, but your emotions as well (a good mix for a guy to have when dealing with girls) however, she does not display these characteristics.Honestly, you did what you could. You tried to salvage things both times in the way you thought best for you and her, yet she only considered herself and didn't put forth any effort into working on things with you or communicating her personal life to you. You deserve much better than that.These relationships are all too common, in fact I've been victim to them a few times. Her stress, which you aren't the cause of, becomes your problem and her inability to deal with it becomes your problem as well. You are much better off in a healthier relationship and with time she'll come to realize how much you gave to her and what will be missing from her life from now on.I'm sure you care for her a whole lot, so I know that saying "just let her go" is not something someone wants to hear. After a break up, if my friends said to me "Hey man, just move on, she's not worth it," I would have wanted to punch them in the face. She always felt worth it, which is why you loved her. No one can quite understand your feelings for her and telling you to move on may sound insensitive. However, its not. Having been there myself, moving on is easily the best advice I can offer.Break off communication all together. She is obviously trying to make you jealous by hooking up with her ex and is trying to manipulate you into becoming her tool for her own use. But you also have your own feelings and your own problems. You don't need to be the one held accountable for hers. Even though your broken up now, don't initiate contact. Move on and surround yourself with your friends. Concentrate on you. Meet new people and try and get out as though this relationship never happened. While that will be very very hard to do, its 100X better than sitting alone, sulking, feeling sorry for yourself. It won't be healthy for you and it will only alienate you from others.The best of luck, honestly. Break ups are never easy and you'd be a fool to believe that you'll be okay within days or that she's 100% okay too. But let her be and focus on your own life. Her problems are no longer yours and she can pawn her craziness off on someone else for once. You honestly are, as I hate to say, much better off. Good luck.
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (29 December 2010):
It's for the best man. Best wishes.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell just to update you all we cut it off tonight.More like she did because she "can't deal with the stress" as it's bad for her health.thank you for all of your help
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (29 December 2010):
Rollercoasters are fun, but there is a reason why they are short. When it comes to relationships, they are intense, great at times, and at other times, the lowest of the low.
It's time for you to get off this rollercoaster of a relationship. It's run its course. Twice. It will suck at first, but in the long run, you'll be better off without her.
I've ridden those rides. The intensity and sex is intoxicating. The emotional ride that follows is the stuff on nightmares.
I too recommend you walk away from this one. I'm sure she's a great girl, but this is drama you don't need in your life.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionBoth of your answers make sense, but when we're good we're great.
I don't wanna break things off because I don't want us to be apart forever and I don't know if she'll chase after me.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2010): It sounds like you listened to her when you were having problems and made an effort not to impose on her and respond to her. I don't think you should think these are errors, these are good qualities. You sound a little more emotionally mature than she is. If I were you, I'd avoid obsessing about, keep your head and hands busy, try dating other woman.
Everyone loves someone one who doesn't love them back...it happens all the time and it will probably happen again at some point. It's probably the most painful feeling I know, but you do get over it with time. Hang in there, don't beat your self up, I think you did all you could do with her. You'll be okay in a while.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2010): I'm sorry but your girlfriend seems to just be using you. She tells you you don'y care when you show her that you clearly do and she doesn't appreciate it. Not a single bit of it.
You've been broken off by her TWICE and yet you get back together and she still treats you like dirt. Like, She told you that her ex makes her feel happy and you don't. I mean, REALLY? That's some heinous bitch you got there.
Just be done with her. She's doing your head in. If she has stress and anxiety problems, and you're nothing but an "added problem" then just break it off, and find a new girlfriend. One who appreciates you for who you are and will love you back.
Hope this helps. :)
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