A
female
age
26-29,
*abycakes345
writes:im 14 and me and my bf have been dating for about 5 months and im not gonna lie i have had sex with him and not just once but any waay im a street dancer and me my boyfriend knows i wear shorts and belly tops alot and when im with him he doesnt mind but when i was doin a dance thing at school with my friends which we had to permorm in front of all off year 10 i was wearing a belly top shorts and converse and afterwords he got mad at me and was being a jerk about it and wen i thought he was still mad at me i went town with my bestfriend and a few boys i was wearing the same thing but with ugg boots anyway he saw me and came up to me and said i looked likke a tart and why was i with boys i was just wonderin why is he being sch a jerk with me ? x Reply to this Question
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female
reader, dmartin89 +, writes (31 December 2010):
 Well I just about got what you were saying from that jumble of miss spelt words..However I do question if you actually turn up to English classes.
Thank you babycakes345 for showing your real colours and proving my previous comment correct.
If you don't want advice from people with a lot more knowledge and life experience than you, don't post on here and waste our time.
Again, I have to agree with dirtball, "It's obvious you just want us to validate you, and that you're too damn self centered to see the truth"
A
female
reader, babycakes345 +, writes (31 December 2010):
babycakes345 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionim not bein funny dmartin89 but just i wear shorts uggs and tight tops or short tops and have unerage sex with my bf doest make me a tart and my bf ist emotionly unstable who r u to say hes emotionly unstable hes not we worked things out and he said it was cause his mate kept sayin how fit i am and i am using condoms so i wish people would stop commentin on this cause it was about a week ago so p off
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female
reader, dmartin89 +, writes (30 December 2010):
To be honest, the way you described the way you dressed, does sound trampy. I can understand it is performance wear but to wear it around town after your boyfriend expressed concern?
I agree with @dirtballs post, he was almost certainly getting comments off his male friends saying how "fit" you looked and how lucky he was they he got to feel you up any time he wanted, which made him defensive about you and uncomfortable.
I see girls every day who dress in the "uggs n shorts" look with piles of make up on and short or tight tops with half their bust on display and I do judge them. Because I know they later they are going to have underage sex with their emotionally unstable boyfriends...like you have just proved.
If you don't want your boyfriend to show concern or call you a tart.. then don't dress and act like one.
Maybe you should concentrate on your school work more instead of dancing and having illegal irresponsible sex. Then maybe you could string a grammatically correct and punctuated paragraph together.
I sincerely hope that you are using condoms.
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A
male
reader, dirtball  +, writes (29 December 2010):
 Agreed.
OP, I hope you will take some personal responsibility here too. That was the ultimate goal of my posts, cruel as they may seem.
While in a relationship we should always consider how our partner feels, even if those feelings are those of a jealous douche. If you completely disregard their feelings, then you don't belong in a relationship with them. Their feelings help make up who they are. Him respecting your choice in friends and clothes is the same as you respecting his feelings about them. I'm not saying any of those feelings are right or wrong, but when in a relationship they ARE valid and deserve discussion if there is a disagreement.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2010): "I have the right to judge anyone on any criteria I choose."
I agree, the kind of judgment I was referring to though was the belittling kind, as in no one has the right to judge her negatively based solely on how she dresses or use that against her. Such as what her boyfriend did.
He definitely does not have that right. In fact he's supposed to do the opposite. He's supposed to be one that tells her not listen to people like that, he's the one who's supposed to support her choices not call her a tart because she decided to dress in a way that he actually likes but just not when he's not around.
The guy is a control freak and frankly it's not going to stop there. What's worse is he's volatile and prone to verbal abuse. All he had to do was say he was uncomfortable with it and talk it out. Or better yet, tell her how amazing and sexy she looked but he'd rather she made that effort for him instead.
We all know that our partners are going to do things we don't agree with, whether it's letting out loud farts in public or dressing provocatively. We either accept that or we talk to them and reach a compromise. We never, ever call them names and throw a hissy fit, never. Especially in front of other people.
Tart is a vicious insult. Calling a girl bitch, tramp, tart, slut is never acceptable (except in mutual jest) and it's verbal abuse.
This guy has a lot of grovelling and apologizing to do.
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (29 December 2010):
"It's actually not about his feelings at all, otherwise he wouldn't like her wearing those things when she's with him either."
True, and I think you're right about him being a jealous douche. He does display a double standard.
So, what can we learn from this?
His jealousy and double standard caused you to act out in a way that you knew would upset him if he saw you. Rather than talk to him about it, you went off and did your thing. That's your right, but don't pretend you don't understand why he's upset here. Even if his feelings about your outfit weren't justified, you still completely disregarded them and to top it off went out with other guys, which you also know he hates. Pick, pick, pick.
You can only control your actions. Your actions define who you are as a person. I would recommend you learn to talk about problems like this with your partner in the future.
On a side note, I agree with pretty much everything Cerberus wrote there except for this, "no one has any right to judge based on those choices but they will nonetheless." I have the right to judge anyone on any criteria I choose. I don't have the right to belittle them or otherwise because of how I may judge them, but making a judgement is well within my rights as an individual. If we didn't make judgements, life in society wouldn't be possible.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2010): I'd normally agree with you Dirtball and Abella and I certainly do that he should not have called her a tart.
It's actually not about his feelings at all, otherwise he wouldn't like her wearing those things when she's with him either.
It's about him marking his territory. You see he's perfectly fine with her dressing like that, but only if he's around, so he can show her off and let other guys see what he has. But when she does that when he's not around he flies off the handle and calls her names? The guy is a douche.
The way I see it she had a performance and was wearing her uniform, instead of going all the way home (or even if she did) to go to the bother of getting changed, she just put on more comfortable footwear. She was wearing her dance uniform and she probably wasn't bothered changing it and why should she? If it makes her feel good, she thinks she looks good and can pull it off then what's the problem? Her boyfriend obviously thinks she does look good in it but wants to control it instead. Only when he's around and when he like it. So in his mind it's only okay for him, yet he doesn't seem to mind her wearing it in her dance routine, but at no other point is she allowed to, without that fool going nuts and insulting her.
That's a double standard if I ever heard one and it's most likely that she dressed this way before he got with her but he now wants to control that.
It sounds to me like he's the kind of guy that gets very jealous of her doing anything with other guys, probably hates the idea that she has guy friends too.
The guys is an insecure douche.
OP he had no right to call you that and you should not put up with that. If he;s okay with you dressing like that when he's around then it's not right for him to have a problem when he isn't. Do not let him get away with calling you a tart, do not. He owes you an apology and a promise never to say anything like that nor ever try and tell you how you should or should not dress.
Regardless of what Abella and Dirtball think, you can wear whatever makes you happy. You will get a lot of unwanted male attention dressing that way and your boyfriend might always have a problem with that, but it's your life, your body and your clothes, you get to decide what you do, no one else and no one has any right to judge based on those choices but they will nonetheless.
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (29 December 2010):
Sometimes criticism is help. For example, "wen" is actually spelled "when." "I" should always be capitalized. And the outfit you describe is trampy.
Ok, so, he didn't like what you wore when doing your performance. Understandable considering what you describe, but it's a performance. He told you he didn't like it. What did you do then? You changed your shoes.
Sorry honey, the shoes weren't the problem.
Like I said before, you both were in the wrong here. Like it or not, it's the truth. You disrespected him by ignoring his feelings. It doesn't matter if they were right or wrong to you, they are his feelings. When you're in a relationship with someone, you should always consider how they feel about something. Just because it's not important to you doesn't mean it isn't to him. When something is important to one person in a relationship, it's important to the relationship.
Could he have handled things better? Yup.
Could you have handled things better? Yup.
Now you both need to apologize to each other and move on.
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Dear Cupid,
Why does my girlfriend hurt me like this? The other day we had a bit of a talent show/assembly thing. My GF is a dancer, and a really good one at that. She did a dance for our whole class. It was mostly awesome, but the one thing I hated was what she was wearing. I mean, she was wearning next to nothing! You should have heard some of the comments I did from other guys.
After the performance I was mad. She knows I don't like her in outfits like that and I let her know it. Was I wrong to do that? I just feel like she shouldn't be showing herself off like that.
Anyway, that's not the real problem. She got mad at me and left. Later I'm out and I see her in a group of friends, most of whom are guys, and she's wearing the same damn thing! She knows I hate it yet she still does it! This made me so mad that I called her some bad things and stormed off. I don't know what to do now. I really like her and I don't want to lose her, but shouldn't she take my feelings into consideration too? I know I over reacted and said some things I really regret, so is there any way I can salvage our relationship?
____________________________________
I don't know why I even bothered with this. It's obvious you just want us to validate you, and that you're too damn self centered to see the truth. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, babycakes345 +, writes (29 December 2010):
babycakes345 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks for the help but when did i say i was doing it to piss him off and just because i wear belly tops and shorts doesnt make me a tart and when i went to town in a belly top shorts and ugg boots doesnt mean i want attention wen im out with boys ive known some of them since io started high school and ik was askin for help i dont appreciate the critisism
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (28 December 2010):
Abella has this nailed down pretty well. I also think he was a bit jealous when he saw you dressed like that with other guys and got upset.
Part of being in a relationship is respecting each other's feelings. You showed a great disrespect for his feelings by going out like that when you knew he was already upset. You were picking the scab on a fresh wound. His reaction after your performance was wrong and uncalled for. However his reaction when he bumped into you on the street was much more justified because you even admit you were doing that to piss him off.
You were both wrong here.
On a different note... When I see someone in military uniform, I assume they are in the military. When I see someone dressed as a cop, I assume they are a cop. When I see someone in scrubs, I assume they work in a hospital. When I see someone dressed like a slut, you can guess what I assume. If you wear the uniform, don't get upset when people assume you're in the profession.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (28 December 2010):
 Your boyfriend is showing his distress for how he is feeling and his concern for the impression you are giving out to others.
But he should not have called you a tart.
A tart is how you behave.
But many people will incorrectly surmise a girl is a tart, by how she dresses.
And not very nice boys will often incorrectly assume that a girl who dresses in a tarty way is a tart and is sexually ''easy''- which is sometimes, but not always, true. And is NOT true of you.
There is a big difference between a performance outfit and a walking out outfit.
A performance outfit has to catch the eye of the audience
Though just shorts and a belly top is not exactly classy as a performance outfit. It is certainly not Dancing with the Stars costuming.
Even if you did belly dancing there would be a graceful skirt.
But to go into town wearing /a belly top, shorts and Ugg boots?
My daughter would be sent back inside to change if she tried to wear that to
town.
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