A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone,My friend's dad died a couple of months ago and I am seeing her for the first time in a few days. I'm lucky in that I've never had to deal with a death of a loved one so close so I'm not sure what are the best things to say are?I've looked on the web but it generally seems to give advice about what NOT to do... so I'm looking for positive things to do and say.I'm also worried about her. She never answers her phone but will always text back telling me she will call me later, and then doesn't. No-one I know has seen her socially since it happened, despite everyone trying. Should we keep on trying to contact her or are we bothering her when she needs to be alone?Thanks in advance.
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male
reader, Honest Answer  +, writes (30 December 2010):
 Tell her that you are sorry for her loss, and if she would like to talk about it, you are there for her.
Everyone handles "death" differently. When my mom suddenly died, I was lost for about a year. It wasn't until a month after the funeral that I was able to cry and finally grieve.
Just be there for her when she is ready to talk about it. That's probably the best thing you can do for a friend.
Good Luck!
Jeff
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2010): Tell her how sorry you are. Give her a hug, unless she resists. Ask her whether she wants to talk about it and if not, respect that. If she does, listen more than you talk. Be as honest as you can if there comes a point when you don't know what to say. Let her know you are there for her, and keep offering support, gently, so she knows you are there.
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A
female
reader, largentsgirl89 +, writes (29 December 2010):
 My mother died last year, my father found her in their bed December 14, 2009 she had died from internal bleeding that was unknown.
Everyone grieves in their own way and it sounds to me like your friend wants to be alone for the time being and not to be out with her friends, at least not right now.
There is nothing anyone can say to make the loss of a loved one, especially a parent, any better. Don't try to be philosophical, just be honest with her.
Hey, I'm really sorry about your Dad. (Share a memory with her if you feel comfortable) and I want you to know that I'm here for you if you want to talk, if you don't want to talk or if you just want to sit in silence. I care about you (friends name here) and I'm here if you need.
Don't guilt trip her for not answering or not calling you back when she said she was going to. Perhaps keeping her while she is around you, grounded into reality will help. Do you have a fave hang out spot you can go to? You need to talk to her to find out what she needs.
Good luck. I'm so sorry to hear about her loss. Losing someone is never easy and especially when it's a parent or a child.
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A
female
reader, largentsgirl89 +, writes (29 December 2010):
My mother died last year, my father found her in their bed December 14, 2009 she had died from internal bleeding that was unknown.
Everyone grieves in their own way and it sounds to me like your friend wants to be alone for the time being and not to be out with her friends, at least not right now.
There is nothing anyone can say to make the loss of a loved one, especially a parent, any better. Don't try to be philosophical, just be honest with her.
Hey, I'm really sorry about your Dad. (Share a memory with her if you feel comfortable) and I want you to know that I'm here for you if you want to talk, if you don't want to talk or if you just want to sit in silence. I care about you (friends name here) and I'm here if you need.
Don't guilt trip her for not answering or not calling you back when she said she was going to. Perhaps keeping her while she is around you, grounded into reality will help. Do you have a fave hang out spot you can go to? You need to talk to her to find out what she needs.
Good luck. I'm so sorry to hear about her loss. Losing someone is never easy and especially when it's a parent or a child.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (29 December 2010):
 My theory on this is that you make sure she knows you are there for her, and that you respect her need to grieve however she needs to. Don't make her feel guilty for nt responding to your attempts at contact. Beyond that, there's no set script to follow. I think many people who are moving through the grief process just want a sense of normalcy and to talk about ordinary everyday things. Acknowledge the loss, let her know you are sorry for the loss of her father, mention a happy memory about him if you have one and then just let her steer the conversation. Speak from your heart and your concern and care for her will shine through in whatever you say.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2010): You say you are seeing her in a couple of days, what do you have planned? Maybe take her to her favourite coffee shop or watch her favourite DVD. When you see her give her a hug, don't worry about what you are going to say, just be yourself with her.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2010): I agree with what Dirtball has said, whatever you do don't stop trying. Maybe once every couple of weeks send her a thinking of you card, are a little note in the post. It will make her feel good when she opens it and when she gets through this which she will she hasn't got to try and rebuild her friendship with you because she knows you have been there for her.
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A
female
reader, myfairdiva  +, writes (29 December 2010):
 The death of a loved one is a very personal experience, and as such, it is different for everybody.
When my dad died (RIP), I did the opposite: I kept my friends near. I did my everyday things normal, went to school, to my graduation, started Uni. I didn't want to fall on depression. I cried, privately, but I knew he was in a better place, sometimes I can feel he's watching over me and my family.
Your friend agreed to see you in a few days, and that is positive. The fact that all of you have tried to show her you care is also positive, and her not responding only answers your question: She needed some time to be alone, but still appreciates your efforts by texting back.
Perhaps she has changed her mind now, and since a new year is beginning, she wants to start it with a fresh and positive attitude towards life.
Personally, my sorrow came mostly because of the things I didn't get to do with my dad, the fact he couldn't be there for my graduation, or when I chose what to go for in Uni... maybe for your friend is similar, I don't know how their relationship was.
Sometimes a big Hug can make a world of difference, in silence, just to let her know you're there for her, when you first meet. Let her start a conversation on the subject, if she wants. Tell her you missed her.
As for positive things to say, for example that you're happy to see her again, offer her your support and your friends', be honest if the subject comes to the table: that you don't know how it's like but that you're there for her (sorry for the redundance). On positive things to do, do girl things, things you missed doing around her, keep her mind occupied, watch a comedy, go out dancing... she has to feel it is ok to move on, gradually. Comfort her if she bursts out in tears all of a sudden.
Don't be too worried, this all takes different amounts of time for everybody. Baby steps.
Take care and I hope I helped. xx
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (29 December 2010):
 She needs the support of her friends and family right now. Even if she doesn't return calls or texts, just having the reassurance that people are there for her who care for her will help. She may need to be alone, but the knowledge that such messages gives her is very important as well.
What to talk about. That's difficult. You just have to be prepared to discuss whatever it is she wants to discuss. She may not want to talk about the death, or it may be all she wants to talk about, so be prepared for both.
There isn't really anything you can say or do to make her feel better. You just have to show your support for her and do your best to be there for her and let her know you always will be.
It wouldn't be a bad idea to have a fun activity for you two to do in your mind. Getting her out of her funk may help, but she has to be willing to participate. Sometimes it works, other times it doesn't. It all depends on the individual and how they grieve.
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