A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Can someone who has cheated on their partner have a healthy relationship with the person they cheated on?Specifically if they never confess that they cheated to their partner? Can they marry that person and have a good, solid marriage, by withholding things that they did that clearly betrayed their partner while they were supposedly in a committed relationship? Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2010): Maybe, IF you come clean and tell them the truth AND they are able to forgive you.
You destroyed the relationship by cheating, now it is up to them whether or not the relationship can be salvaged from the wreckage. It is out of your hands now.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2010): well you can certainly still get married, but I don't think the relationship will be a good solid one.
Unless you are a very good actor who can keep up the act 24/7 for the rest of your life, your partner will probably see through your unease and know something's up or get suspicious at some point. So in order to keep up the act, you put up emotional barriers to remain detached so as to calm the turmoil in your head. But this prevents you from being able to get close and bonded to your partner.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2010): If you're cheating then it's not a healthy relationship. Why would you cheat on your future wife and the woman you supposedly "love"?
I think what you're really meaning is: can i cheat and get away with it?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2010): Oh No, OP, u are still posting about your cheating and u choosing not to tell your fiancée about it. How many more weeks to your wedding.
This is not good at all. U will save yourself and your fiancée some heartache if you just confess before the wedding. At the rate u are carrying on u will be living a lie from the word go: meaning from the time u say :'I Do'. Be a man and confess and ask her for forgiveness. Please now!
LoveGirl
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2010): you may not have a healthy relationship, but you can stay married forever. In my family, and in families of friends, infidelities have only been known after the guilty party eventually passed away from old age. Yet they remained married their entire lives, for decades, their spouses and other immediate family members (the ones who would have been directly affected) never knowing.
You can have an OK marriage that will last a lifetime, while carrying secrets as long as those secrets really are buried and have no chance to resurface meaning if you never cheat again and if no one else knew about it so no chance your spouse will find out.
A truly healthy relationship? probably not. But not every marriage that lasts a lifetime is healthy. I would bet that most marriages that last a lifetime are not very healthy, but they are livable.
I'm just sayin' that a marriage does not have to be perfect to last a lifetime and be something you and your spouse can live with.
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (30 November 2010):
 Rarely it can work out. I know of at least one case. In that case the couple sought marriage councelling and had some real break throughs in it. They took the process very seriously and devoted themselves to making it work. They just celebrated their 40th wedding anniversary and the affair happened about 15 years ago.
It takes a lot of work and work that both parties have to be willing to put in. Forgiveness and rebuilding trust is a long process that many think should happen over night.
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A
female
reader, DazedConfused  +, writes (30 November 2010):
My husband cheated on me in the begining of our marriage and although I stayed with him for a further 5 years, it indirectly was what caused the marriage to end. There was a respect lost when he did that to me. But for some reason i did respect that he was honest enough to tell me, and i trusted him not to do it again. However, the fact he did it in the first place was always in the back of my head! and things were never the same after!
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A
female
reader, the_hidden_key  +, writes (30 November 2010):
It's not particularily a nice situation, i agree with the anon guy up there lol, lieing does and will create more lieing, and you will get so caught up in your own lies and turn into someone you don't know, trying anything and everything to keep them with you.
I don't want what i say to tell you what to do. I have had boyfriends cheat on me and never told me until friends of mine found out. The worst thing i think is other people finding out and telling them and then them coming to you asking why you never said anything.
Honesty and trust i think go hand in hand. Honesty and openness at that. Healthy relationships need honesty to build trust and you can't really have a nice deep love without trust and with love comes commitment, do you see how they are all linked?
You should ideally tell them, knowing that you were honest with yourself and to them. But keep in mind if and when you tell them that you make how sorry you actually are and if that person needs time away to think what to do. If they love you enough they will not just throw everything they have with you all away. But everyone needs time.
Think about it though, you are withholding some precious infomation. Secrets should never be kept between two people that love each other.
I'm going to be honest with you though, when my friends told me about this i dropped the guy right then and there. Maybe because he himself didn't come to me and tell me so i felt like i have been double betrayed or maybe because i didn't love him like i thought i did.
If you love this person and they love you and you think the love is strong enough then it WILL be ok. I promise you.
But there is nothing like guilt eating away at you and having no one to releive that guilt is only going to make things worse for you.
I suggest that you come clean and be honest, it may not work out thereis a chnance yes there is also a chance you can work through this which will in time make the relationships stronger.
Good luck to you!
Take care xx
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A
female
reader, Bee4ever +, writes (30 November 2010):
I would say that if you're the one keeping a secret you must already know the burden you feel for not telling your partner the truth. Even if you never cheat again you will always think of the incident and feel terrible for it. The fact you asked anonymously shows you feel bad and want to do the right thing. It won't be easy but if you love your partner you will endure whatever punishment comes your way for having cheated. Getting away with it will only lead to possibly more hidden behavior from you in the future. Step up and admit to what you did and work on your relationship so it doesn't happen again. I was cheated on by my boyfriend but he told me and even though it wasn't easy we moved past it and I trusted him again. Good luck.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2010): "Specifically if they never confess that they cheated to their partner?"
I think the answer is unequivocally no on this issue. You will find plenty of opinions on both sides to bolster your own inclinations in this area, but, lying about this brings about more lying in the future and it is hard to justify lying to someone you love...for years, and years, and years, and years.
Think about living with someone for 40 years, and going to the grave, knowing that you lied to them the entire time.
That is a weighty burden that most of us can't handle.
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