A
female
age
36-40,
*rincessjasmine
writes:How much do you tell a guy you love about ur past, about passed hook ups, stupid things uve done, is it really necessary? wouuldn't he have a bad image of me when i know that im not this person. Im afraid he wont trust me if he knows about my past hook ups and one night stands :(
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female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (17 June 2011):
 They may or may not make those comments about you. It would be just rumors anyways. If this guy is smart he'll ask you first instead of believing hearsay from his friends.
Besides making out with a X amount of guys doesn't earn you a slutty reputation. That's NOTHING in college.
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female
reader, princessjasmine +, writes (17 June 2011):
princessjasmine is verified as being by the original poster of the questionno im asking, what if the group of friends know your kind of promiscous, im afraid they'll tell the guy 'oh ur with that slut' eventhough i never even had sex in college, i just made out with a couple of his acquaintances, not even good friends, what do uthink? i mean he saw me makin out with his friend a couple years ago, but heseems to not care but what if his friends say things about me, im so scared of that :(
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female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (17 June 2011):
I was 25 when I met my husband (and not a Christian) so he knew I definitely wasn't a virgin.
Are you asking if it's necessary to tell someone you're not a virgin when your group is all virgins? I'm a bit confused by your question.
Because sex is so mainstream these days, people just assume you're not a virgin when you're in your 20s. If the guy was to celibate or want to wait, then it's best that you're honest and tell him you've already lost your V-card. Don't tell him anything else, it's not necessary.
If you can date someone who chooses celibacy, more power to you.
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female
reader, princessjasmine +, writes (16 June 2011):
princessjasmine is verified as being by the original poster of the questionbut he knew u werent a virgin? wat if a potential serious thing is amongst the group of friends who know about my past a bit?
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female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (16 June 2011):
Broke off my engagement early 08'. Started having a lot more hook-ups and one night stands up until the summer of 09', I met a guy who was worth dating. Broke it off with him in Oct 09' to hook up with another guy, then I met my husband Halloween night.
Really about a year and half's worth of hook-ups before I met my husband. I knew I wanted to settle down all along, it's just finding someone who is worth it. In the meantime I'm not going to be a virgin Mary, I need my sexual needs met too. You're only human.
As far as telling a guy about your past hook-ups, it's none of his business. I didn't tell my husband..Why? Aside from it not pertaining to our relationship/marriage, he didn't care to know.
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female
reader, princessjasmine +, writes (15 June 2011):
princessjasmine is verified as being by the original poster of the questionbut how long after did u meet ur husband, right after hooking up with someone, months later, or years later? of this 'change' that took place, i hooked up recently but wna settle down, if that makes any sense, i do wanna get sesrious
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female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (15 June 2011):
OP, no you shouldn't feel guilty for not telling him. It's not necessary.
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female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (15 June 2011):
Actually they don't. I went from my magic number being 4 before I was engaged around about age 20, after I broke off my engagement at 23, my magic number shot up to 16 with past hook-ups. Now, I've been married for over a year.
People might look at me and call me a slut, but that's not the case at all. More of immaturity issues really, and needing to get my sexual needs met. My husband isn't a man whore. And since when do man whores want to settle down? That may have been who I was back then, but that's not who I am today. Past mistakes say nothing about me. What speaks louder is me changing my ways and settling down.
30 men in a month? Risk of STDs much? Now that's just careless and that girl would need to get tested before taking on any more men in her life. Perhaps submitting to a group meeting for sex addicts.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2011): tennisstar88- yes your past hookups do speak about you and your morals. If a girl hooks up with several guys a month, she'd better look for a man-ho/slut to settle down with. No guy wants to be number 30 something when he's been in committed relationships with just a few girls. It's just too much to compete with and deal with.
I absolutely agree that most normal guys don't want to hear about previous lovers. What guy wants to visualize his girl being screwed by another guy? Keep the details to yourself.
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female
reader, princessjasmine +, writes (15 June 2011):
princessjasmine is verified as being by the original poster of the questionso i shouldn't feel guilty not telling him?
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female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (15 June 2011):
Your one night stands/past hookups, and overall dating experience say nothing about your personality. It's NOT a part of you as a person. They're just situations you took action in. Your dating past also doesn't apply to your future boyfriend/husband.
I honestly couldn't sit there and recall ALL of my hook-ups, one night stands, and overall dating past. That's an information overload! And truthfully, no guy cares to hear about you having sex with another guy. You shouldn't be so focused on telling future suitors about past relationships when it's completely irrelevant now.
Don't volunteer your past dating history, it will open a can of worms you won't be able to close!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2011):
Tell him what you're about if you want. Don't be surprised if it causes problems. I know what you are saying. You want unconditional love. You want someone to accept who you are, warts and all. It sounds romantic, but even though I love my wife to death (20 years and counting) there are some things about her I wish I didn't know. So you can go with the idealized romantic version you have or reality.
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female
reader, princessjasmine +, writes (14 June 2011):
princessjasmine is verified as being by the original poster of the questiondont u think that's wrong, your love shud know everything about u, i wud feel like im denying myself, altho my hookups dont define who i am at all...its a part of me but its not ME. idk, wud it be like our relationship isnt based on trust and all that bs ppl usually talk about wen they get into a relationshp....like he shud know me inside and out, thats how id love him and he'd love me, if he didnt kno this part to me, wud i be wrong in doing that? like im denying the truth, lying, and not telling him what im really about?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2011):
Don't say anything unless asked directly and even then be short on details or omit facts. Seriously.
I know way too much about my wife's history because we were friends first and she confided in me while dating other guys and I wish I didn't know any of that.
We are not just talking sex here, but stuff like doing drugs which she would never do now. She says that she only did them a few times, which may be true, but it hurts my image of her to think of her doing any at all because I am straightedge and never did any of that and have a low opinion of those who do. It's not enough to stop me from marrying her, but it still causes a small rift from time to time.
The less your boyfriend knows, the better.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2011): princessjasmine "A lady doesn't tell."
Simple as that. "I'm not telling you babe because it's not important, it's my past and it should stay in the past, you're my present and my future. I don't think about my past and I don't talk about my past. I've had good and bad experiences, that have made me who I am but they're done and gone."
Look princessjasmine so many problems arise from telling your partner about your past, look at all the varied issues that have arisen for these people:
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/girlfriend-slept-with-a-ganster-drug-dealer-how.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/i-cant-get-over-his-sexual-past-and.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/110-guys-before-me.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/retro-active-jealousy-with-a-difference.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/wife-just-admitted-to-sleeping-with-my-friend.html
They're just a small example of what can go wrong. There really is a lot of variations to it isn't there?
The worst part of that is you'll see a certain pattern. Each one of those is different, each one has one particular aspect which they can't get out of their head. I've seen questions where it the fact their partner had a threesome that was the problem, number of partners etc. You really have no idea which thing may become an irreversible deal breaker for your partner.
princessjasmine I can tell you personally that finding out that my girlfriend was promiscuous and had a lot of one night stands and casual hook ups would be very hard for me to take. I'm not the only guy that feels that way either. That's why I never ask and that's why I tell my dates and girlfriends not to tell me either.
If he asks then ask him if it's important to him that he knows. If he says yes then you're in trouble because that immediately means he will not like what he hears because someone who is insistent on knowing is either insecure or doesn't trust you.
It really depends on the guy and the situation. At the end of the day it really is none of his business and he has to respect that because you're not going to tell him. But don't do so with a sense of shame, don't let him think you're ashamed of your past either because you shouldn't be it's your past and without that past you wouldn't be who you are now.
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female
reader, princessjasmine +, writes (14 June 2011):
princessjasmine is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHow do you answer the qs if he does ask?
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female
reader, natasia  +, writes (19 November 2010):
 I'm sorry, but I have to express open, public admiration for Cerberus here with this statement:
'The past shapes us but if you want a future with a person then you must accept the person they are in the present and not be so hung up on their past mistakes.'
It is so true that I am going to write it down and tell it to people. Thanks, C. You have a calling. Nailing the truth. Reallly.
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female
reader, princessjasmine +, writes (19 November 2010):
princessjasmine is verified as being by the original poster of the questiondamn cerberus, im reallly curious about ur poo now! love it thank u!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2010): Look at the end of the day people don't need to know every detail of your past.
Some posters here are saying it's the sign of secure person who doesn't hide anything, wanna know what my last poop was like then? Wanna know it's consistency, whether it had a spicy smell or more pungent smell, how many wipes it took to clean my anus afterwards, was it lumpy or liquid, how many lumps, what colour was it? Did it have peanuts in it?
So am I insecure if I just tell you I went to the toilet instead? No, because some things people just don't need to know and you know what? we get to choose what that is, it's our life. I don't mind telling you what I had for breakfast this morning but I'm not gonna tell you I had a little bit of faeces on my finger this morning because I wiped when I was still a little drunk and missed. Am I hiding something because I don't tell you that detail, yes, because you don't need to know that detail and most wouldn't want to know. Well the same works on sexual past too, some of us have pasts that people would consider dirty, so they don't need to know those details. As long I wash that poop off my hand and my hands are clean then I don't need to say anything.
Information is based on trust, the more I trust you the more I'll tell you. It's also based on preference, what you know a person would prefer not to know but still asked the question. Some info is just need to know, a 5 year old might want to know where babies come from but they don't need to know the intimate details of copulation.
I'm in a relationship of 4 years and I still don't know the number of guys that my girlfriend has been with sexually (blow jobs etc.) because I don't want to know (I know the number of guys she's had intercourse with though). I've even asked while drunk and she wouldn't tell me. Because she knows it's not necessary, do I assume the number is high because of that, no, why would I?
Assumption and suspicion are poisonous and a waste of time, knowing her it could easily have been none too. But she wants to keep that to herself, it's her past her prerogative what she divulges because I know she'll only tell me what I need to know.
If you end up with a partner that needs to know those details and assumes bad things about your refusal to divulge those details then they're an insecure fool and you need to move on. The past shapes us but if you want a future with a person then you must accept the person they are in the present and not be so hung up on their past mistakes.
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female
reader, natasia +, writes (31 October 2010):
Well, first thing, your partner is unlikely to tell you the bald truth of whatever he has done in the past. It would certainly be modified, shall we say, for your ears.
I don't want to offend all the scrupulously honest men on this site, but over the years, particularly the last four or so, I have lost my innocence a bit and have to admit that the evidence is that quite a lot of men do lie quite often and quite well. Women have a stronger instinct to tell 'the whole truth', I think. So don't feel too bad if you don't tell every detail.
And as for curiosity - it depends how much truth you can take : )
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female
reader, princessjasmine +, writes (31 October 2010):
princessjasmine is verified as being by the original poster of the questionbut dont u get curious? dont u wonder how experiencd they are? doesnt ur past shape who u are now? idk, it'd bother me a little not knowing but it'd bother me telling him about mine, like i needed to get it off my chest b/c i was 'hiding' something. maybe some basics but no details wud be good?
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female
reader, natasia +, writes (23 October 2010):
I don't think we're talking about hiding stuff here - I think we're just saying that basically, hearing about your partner's past sexual exploits is very unpleasant, and we all suffer from retrospective jealousy, however insane that might be, so why go there?
Talking about past failed relationships is kind of ok, but how many people you slept with/why/when/how/etc. ... no no no.
Well, I personally just don't want to hear that from my partner. I can well imagine, and that is enough for me - would rather not hear actual facts. I like the attitude of the guy who said 'I like to think you were a virgin before you met me ' - because, in a way, when you enter into a relationship with a new person, it is a bit like that - it may not be the first time in yr life, but it is the first with them, and everything about your relationship is unique, so why undermine that?
I don't think that is lying. I think that is a conscious decision to relegate to the past those things from your past that are dead and gone.
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female
reader, princessjasmine +, writes (23 October 2010):
princessjasmine is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks guys, yea I do think its okay to share past relationships to get to know where u stand (if u have ever been in love or if this guy is 'the one' but i agree w/most of u in that i dont need to tell him about my sexual past, and I wont :) u guys are awesome!
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2010): I feel the sign of a secure person is one who does not hide anything. Now I'm not saying I need to know, but if it comes up and I sense she is hiding things, THAT is a red flag for me. I believe in honesty, so I say, if you're going to tell me, better tell me the whole story or nothing at all. Don't lie or offer half-truths, because I can smell that crap a mile away. Now I don't need gory details, mind you. And I'm DEFINITELY not turned on by a woman's past. But I do kinda like to know where I stand, compare, whatever. But really, I just want to know what her experiences are, what are her likes/dislikes, etc. I believe it CAN help a relationship. I like that scene in 4 weddings and a funeral where she goes through her men one by one, but only offers a brief description of each one. Kinda cute. Point is, it should happen naturally...not like a CSI interrogation.I generally offer first. If she does not want to know, I don't tell her and I don't pry into her life. However, I do like to know how many partners and if any STD's. I feel that is fair to know. Anything beyond that is voluntary. I have gotten into traps where I got more info than I liked, and it rotted in me for a long time. Like the ex BF who was hung like a horse and the guy who could go 4 times without stopping. Crap like that. Never came across a girl who was gangbanged or anything extreme like that thank God. SO yes, retroactive jealousy is a real thing that should be avoided.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2010): Read my post again male anonymous, I didn't say wanting to know was a red flag, I said the insistence on knowing, not respecting a persons wish not go into their past, and/or not letting the subject rest if not told is a red flag.
There are plenty of people that don't mind talking about their past or asking about it, but there are also a lot of people that get extremely retro jealous, if a person can't accept that you don't want to talk about it, then that is a red flag to me, it shows they already put too much importance on past sexual activity, it shows they already have standards and worries that you might not fit into. It's a personal thing, I'm not saying that's the case for everyone but if I choose not to talk about something in my past and they're insistent on knowing anyway then they can feck off.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2010): I'm sure Cerberus's advice is well intentioned. But it is plain old idiotic to try to say that wanting to know your partner's history is a red flag.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2010): Lie, lie, lie. You get a free pass for your past. If you spread your legs for an entire football team, what business is it of his? That was then. This is now. Perhaps he is a virgin or is very sexually inexperienced, but is the man of your dreams or maybe your soul-mate. Too bad for him, that's his problem not yours. I mean back then you were thinking of the here and now. Damn the future and any impact your actions may have on any relationships that may develop afterwards.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2010): No, you don't need to tell him any of that stuff. Even if he asks you don't have to tell him. If he asks just smile and say a lady doesn't tell.
Frankly any guy that's insistent you tell him or makes a big deal out of knowing, has issues.
That's actually a good gauge of a guy, if he can accept you not wanting to get into your past then that's cool, but if he can't handle not knowing or thinks you're trying to hide something (jumps to conclusions) then he has issues and I'd take that as a big red flag.
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female
reader, xanthic +, writes (20 October 2010):
 There's no need to, it's in the past and should stay in the past.
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female
reader, kirra07  +, writes (19 October 2010):
If you have an std you should say so. If you are married or have been married, probably should say so. If you have kids, you should say so. Other than that, you don't have to tell unless they ask. If they do ask, don't lie and don't try to hide it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2010): You tell them nothing! It doesn't matter about your past, just now and the future.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2010): I think to truly love someone you have to live with their past. Doesn't mean you have to tell each other but the way a person acts and behaves in different situations is how they have molded themselves. Depends what your going for. If you really want to share it to really understand why someone acts one way or another than I say go for it. Aka calling it stupid may want to wait till you've forgiven yourself a little if your worried about how you will be precived by your partner. Depends how much you really want to know about them. Its has and hasn't come up in my relationships. It doesn't really bother me, but it can be hard to take if your not ready for it.
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female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (19 October 2010):
Don't ask, Don't tell policy...meaning you don't volunteer your past sexual history and trust me he most likely won't ask. Plus, you don't need to be asking him about his either. It makes for awkward conversation and some potential retroactive jealousy from either of you. The past is better off left in the past where it belongs. With each new guy, you have a clean slate.
Or I had one guy who told me, "I don't want to know, I like to think you were a virgin before you met me."
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female
reader, Natalie:) +, writes (19 October 2010):
 Wouldn't bother to being it up unless specifically asked and if you are make it clear you are who you are NOW, not who you were back then.
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female
reader, rachel1991 +, writes (19 October 2010):
It is always best to be honest, if he really loves you he will learn to live with it and will know you have changed. It is better coming from you rather than someone else. I told my boyfriend everything about my past and he told me about his which made me feel sick. for a while he hated it and would bring it up in arguments but he dealt with it and knows how much i hate it so doesn't talk about it at all. It might be hard at first but if he really loves you he will deal with it and will take you for who you are now and not for the mistakes you made before you knew him. Im not going to lie, it did reduce me to a lot of tears but its made us stronger. Hope this helps, good luck and i hope he can deal with whatever you have to tell him.
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female
reader, natasia +, writes (19 October 2010):
No, you don't need to - and positively shouldn't. This isn't you not sharing things with him. This is you not distressing him with silly things that you know meant nothing, but he might get upset about.
You are right. Don't spoil his image of you. You are who you are now. No doubt alcohol played a part (if not being almost entirely responsible) for some of the things you have done and regret now. Effectively it wasn't even you who did them, in that case.
From now on you can share with him. You would be completely daft to tell him unimportant details from before you were with him.
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male
reader, doublejack +, writes (19 October 2010):
Guys will have differing views on what they feel they need or want to know, but my advice is to not say anything. I don't ask because I don't want to think negatively of my partner, and that's the most likely outcome if your man finds out about past mistakes you've made.
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male
reader, slimfish  +, writes (19 October 2010):
 you dont need to tell him anything.....unless a std is an issue.
at your age most girls have some sexual past, but what does it matter to anyone but yourself.
if he cant accept that then he's not the one for you.
on the other hand some guys are really turned on by their lovers past, and like to hear about your past lovers. if he's like that then make it part of your sexual foreplay.
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male
reader, morris_say +, writes (19 October 2010):
Depends if he wants to know these things or not, some couples are happy not knowing, others like to know. The past is the past and you might not be the same person anymore, also are you sure his past is so golden..?
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male
reader, dirtball +, writes (19 October 2010):
 Usually your best bet is to not bring it up unless directly questioned. Then keep the answers honest but void of detail. The reason is retroactive jealousy. We see a lot of people who have trouble getting over some aspect of their partner's past. It's natural, but can cause many issues.
Remember this. Your past made you who you are today. You've made mistakes as we all have. The key is if you've learned from those mistakes. If you have, then you won't repeat them. His knowledge of your past doesn't change who you are, it only changes who he perceives you to be. Still, sometimes those perceptions can break a relationship.
Personally, I don't want to know much about a partner's history. I want to know that they have been checked for STD's and are clean. I want to know if there is any aspect that may cause problems for our relationship (i.e. a possessive ex who won't let go). Much beyond that I don't really need. I wouldn't turn away knowing her number of partners, but I definitely don't want details about sexual exploits.
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