A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I broke up with my boyfriend in January, we still loved each other very much, but we couldn't stop arguing and things just weren't working. When I broke up with him he got incredibly angry and cut off all contact with me. I didn't think I would ever hear from him again.Whilst we were broken up I started seeing a close friend of his for a while, we slept together a few times when I was drunk and it was a mistake. My boyfriend and I got back together in May after bumping into each other, it has been fantastic until he found out a couple of weeks ago that I had slept with his friend. He is so upset and has told me that it is my responsibility to make him feel better or he will break up with me.What should I do? I don't know what to say or how to behave to make it better. I haven't cheated on him but I have broken his trust. How do I get this back?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2010): you should have told him you were sleeping with his best friend. why didn't you. you knew that he would have a problem with this.
A
male
reader, asap09marc +, writes (27 July 2010):
 you blew it,you cant be the same again now. in his private thoughts he might view u as a bit of a trollop now.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2010): As soon as you broke up with him, you freed yourself to move on to whomever you wished. He can't change that fact, and it's he who will have to come to terms with that.
Like Marriedlady said, it's not your fault fate turned that way, and you made no mistake in doing as you wished while broken up with him. He can't expect you to owe him something or kiss up to him everyday until he feels better about what happened when you weren't together. The point is, you weren't together in any way when you slept with his friend, so he can't hold anything against you for that.
If you tell him to stop the grudge or you'll leave, he'll probably take what he feels is revenge on you (though it wouldn't make any sense to, since you didn't cheat on him) by cheating on you, or sleeping with someone else and making sure you know afterward, and then he'll roll himself in the mud of argument and resentment that follows for the months after. So, instead if I was you, I'd break up, like all the others said.
Let him see that he wasn't ready to come back to you, and that he'll always find a way to argue with you, just like the first time around. Don't contact him for months after you break up with him, and let him see how you don't care how he feels about something you did while you were single. He'll only truely get that message when you're single again for awhile. He's got to learn that he can't make you do anything, especially when it's uncalled for.
Like the other posters have said, I can't see this working if you stay together, anyway, because you've argued to a split the first time around, and now he's on your case the second time together. You'll have to ask yourself, "What would the third time be like?" I can't see him changing too overnight, and by the time he does, you could have enjoyed life with at least one other guy, rather than feel stuck with one because of his ways.
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female
reader, karen1989 +, writes (26 July 2010):
 I don't think you should leave him..i dissagree with the other aunts on this.
Getting with his friend was never going to be a sensible move how would you feel if he got with one of your close friends? Pretty hurt i bet. And thats exactly how hes feeling now hes hurt,men don't react the way women do when they experience emotional hurt. We as females cry,sulk etc. Men however get angry and say things they don't mean.
When he said 'its your job to make me feel better' It was probably in the heat of the moment. If however he continues to say this then you have a problem here. But don't break up with him! Talk to him about it..ok you two werent together at the time but you both obviously werent over eachother- and you knowing this but getting with his friend anyway was quite a shitty thing to do. Communication is the key thing in relationships,resolving arguments also comes as part of the package-couples are always going to argue this is because no two people are the same and are always going to have dissagreements at some point. I strongly suggest talking to him about this rather than just jumping straight into a break up. He is only acting this way because he cares and is feeling pretty hurt right now. Let him calm down then have that talk-explain to him that you know you were in the wrong to sleep with his friend but you didnt know what you were doing,you werent in your right mind you were under the influence..apolagise. Then go on to say that your not the only one in the wrong ok you shouldnt of gone for his friend but you werent together at the time, tell him that it won't happen again and that he has to let this go otherwise its going to cause a big rift in the relationship.
Good luck :)
Karen.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2010): Sometimes love isnt enough to fix everything. You know you were free to see whomever you wished...you werent cheating or even breaking his trust. You had no way of knowing that you would end up back together. No matter what you do to "make him feel better" it will never be enough, you will never be able to erase what he sees as betrayal.
The sooner you split up and both get on with your lives the better off you will be...because I think you are just wasting time here. Its not easy, and its not fair, but life rarely is. Hugs, mal
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male
reader, Roshii +, writes (26 July 2010):
 sleeping with a close friend of his was bound to cause this, as for his remark of " its your responsibility to make me feel better" Well thats just crap.
You werent together he cut all ties, Perhaps not the greatest of ideas to start hanging with his mate. but it shouldnt be you that has to make it up to him. It isnt like you cheated. Tell him, he either forgets about what happened while your werent together, or youll leave.
A relationship wont work like this, if hes holding this against you theres going to be alot more arguments to come im afraid.
I disagree that this 'Cant' be fixed, Theres no such thing as cant, It can be, but it doesnt just require your part, its a 'team' effort. He needs to work at it too.
Accept the fact you made a drunken mistake, when HE cut all contact.
you both need to talk about this like adults, how you feel, how he feels. Why you did what you did. Do you regret it. That your sorry it makes him feel betrayed and that you dont owe him anything. listening to each other is the only way this can be fixed. If you cant do that then the only option really is to seperate. Unless you dont mind speaking together with a councilor who'll mediate your talks.
i wish you look.
If you would like to talk more, feel free to message me id happily help mediate if able.
Roshiii
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male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (26 July 2010):
This is precisely why you should never have got back together. No sooner than just over a month later, and it's all come straight back. I don't think it was a good idea to see his close friend, as it was bound to come out and cause this. But at the same time, you were broken up and it was none of his business. If you want the truth, I think you need to end it. It's clear that you just don't work together at all. You were arguing before, and guess what, you're arguing now. It's not just your responsibility to make this better. Both of you need to sit down and work on this. Both of you need to work on what has happened, and why you argue so much. Not just one of you. I think the time has come for you to just move on and start over with someone else. This is a mess, and it's not going to be fixed because he's just blaming you for everything.
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A
male
reader, dirtball  +, writes (26 July 2010):
 Leave the relationship. You were broken up, so you have nothing to apologize for. Do you expect him to make it up to you for having sex with someone else while you were broken up?
He will hang this over your head for the rest of your relationship. It is better to stay broken up once it happens.
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