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female
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anonymous
writes:22.15hrs I was having a talk with my partner about an important matter to us both. My mobile phone rang in the room next door, and he got up first to fetch it and brought it to me for me to answer which I did. It was a short message from a friend. After hanging up, I explained who called and why it had come at that hour. There was bad humour in the air and the remark 'you could have asked me if it would be ok to answer the phone... we were talking.....' It all moved on to a disagreable discussion and I being told that I had shown disrespect towards him.Is he correct? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2010): In my opinion it boils down to ...is this a one time thing or an ongoing personality issue...
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (27 July 2010):
 Agreed,Miamine. Making a scene, or embarassing your interlocutor about a social blunder, is not polite.
It's permissible ,though, to remark tactfully about what happened so that it won't happen again in future.
This may seem very silly stuff ,but we see every day on Dear Cupid the bad effects of not having learned and digested a certain set of rules until they become second nature.
The person who leaves you hanging mid - sentence to answer his phone or to check his emails, is often the same who will dump you by text, cancel dates last minute, or stand you up with no apologies or explanations. Because they lack of sense of social boundaries, and have not learned about respect.
Details count :)
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reader, Miamine  +, writes (26 July 2010):
 Miss Manners guide to 21st Century says that the person in front of you should be more important than any phone call. The correct etiquite is to turn the phone off and continue the conversation. If the call is important and cannot wait, then a person with good manners would say "excuse me" and ask permission to take the call..
That's what good manner's would suggest you should have done, but a person with good manner's shouldn't make a scene or criticize a person who lacks such manners.. Making people feel bad is bad manners too.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2010): He could have gotten the phone so she could turn it off, perhaps she has a Justin Bieber ringtone and it was killing the conversation.
I think people have missed his point, we really have no idea what the topic of conversation was, but OP did mention that it was important to both of them. There's nothing worse in my mind than being interrupted during one of those conversations. You can lose your train of thought.
I know where he's coming from in the sense that I was having a conversation with an ex on whether we should keep a baby or abort it, she then got a phone call from one of her friends about organizing their weekend in the middle of that and she took it. So while I sat there stewing in the notion that I could be a father she spent half an hour talking to her friend about who's dating who and who's ex will be where at the weekend.
I don't think it's controlling behaviour on his part at all, again I think people are jumping to conclusions based on very little evidence.
It's not controlling behaviour to ask for a little respect on something which bothered him. It bothers him, she knows that, whether she decides to do it again is up to her because now she knows it's one of his peeves. Regardless of whether he's 'right' or 'wrong' he doesn't like it and in that situation there is no right or wrong, just opinion.
I mean I like to let out a big fart every now and again when I'm on my own, when I first did that in front of my girlfriend (not a smart move) she was annoyed and asked me not to do it again, does that mean she's some kind of control freak trying to run my life? No, it means she's human and she gets bothered by some things and as her partner I decided that I would not do things that bothered her out of respect. Her boyfriend isn't wrong in this because it annoyed him, OP naturally worded her question completely from her point of view.
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reader, Honeypie  +, writes (26 July 2010):
 No, I think he is ridiculous. Unless you guys were in the middle of a great shag/roll in the hay. I can't see WHY you need HIS permission to answer your phone.
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reader, Universe Man +, writes (26 July 2010):
It's a single incident. You were discussing heavy stuff. Maybe you were rude, maybe he was oversensitive. He's not telling you to ask all the time. Just let it go.
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reader, CaringGuy +, writes (26 July 2010):
When he picked up the phone and gave it to you, he gave permission. You even went on to explain who it was and why they'd called. I'd say you did nothing wrong. I'm also with Q. I recognize controlling behaviour when I see it, and this is the start.
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reader, CindyCares +, writes (26 July 2010):
Let's agree to disagree ,DB :)
Minutia ? Maybe not.. Some details mean nothing to some people, and mean something to other people
There are different codes of conduct.. I am not saying that mine is the best - just that I did not invent it ,it's backed by a solid tradition.
As for what Q says... I am a big fan of Q !, but, he's Texan, what does he know ? probably their phone calls are announced by the rattle of rattlesnakes .
( Just kidding,guys - you know that !)
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reader, dirtball +, writes (26 July 2010):
 I see your point Cindy. Then I guess he's guilty of not asking permission to leave the conversation to get the phone, if she's guilty of not asking permission to answer it. This seems like a silly argument of minutia. I'm with Q that this may be indicative of a bigger problem brewing.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2010): I think I'm with Dirtball on this one. He went and got the phone and handed it to her....that is tantamount to permission to answer in my books. I may have chosen to not answer...in fact I doubt I would have answered...but I dont see a place for him to get upset if I did. I would have more than likely looked to see who it was, and pushing the silent button. I am on call for emergencies and would not turn my phone off, but i would pick ans choose time and person to talk to otherwise. The OP's question was ...was he correct? And in my opinion for him to say, "'you could have asked me if it would be ok to answer the phone" smacks of control to me. And I dont think that he was correct in what he said.
I think it would have been totally appropriate for him to hand her the phone and say, can you wait on this call? Or to suggest that when the ringing started...to ask her to not answer...or to say, It really bothered me that you took that call while we were discussing something this important, but in fact he used the P word. And that just doesnt set well with me. You should have used more finesse probably, but respect cannot be shoved down ones throat even if.... If he is in general a decent fellow, and this just hit him wrong... if this has turned into a huge deal, sit down, and apologize and you will know next time. But if this is someone who gets off on telling you where to jump and when... if this is about control, then you need to run. Because it wont stop with a phone call. One more thing...did he go get your phone to be nice, or was it so he could see who is calling and whether it was someone he allows you to talk too? Hopefully it is just a fluke deal, and if it is, then you should just apologise and get over it. hugs, mal
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2010): Just reading the title is apaulling, fair enough its your partner and you was talking but he isnt being right & you have the right considering he gave you the phone to answer, dont let him take too much control or it could become a usual thing x
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reader, CindyCares +, writes (26 July 2010):
It applies always,DB. :)
He went to get the phone and brought it to her ( not shove it in her face ) as a simple act of courtesy . My guess is that he was expecting a courtesy " sorry about that " back.
Personally, if I am having an important conversation with somebody , I'll make sure my cell phone is switched off.
That's just me though.
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reader, dirtball +, writes (26 July 2010):
I get the whole respect, "would you mind if I answer this quick," thing while having a conversation, but in this case I don't see how it applies.
Here's how it played out (according to the OP's story)
They were having a conversation.
The phone rang.
He got up, left the room, got the phone, and handed it to her.
To me, his actions would tell me he wants me to answer the phone. If you did't want me to answer it, don't go get it for me and shove it in my face.
That's just me though.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2010): He wasn't asking you to ask for permission, he wanted you to be courteous and apologize for the interruption or even just let the phone ring out and not answer it.
You were having an important discussion about something, something he obviously cares a great deal about and you had no problem stopping that to answer a phone call.
I mean come on, if you were telling him something really important and he got a phone call and was quick to answer it, then you too might feel like he wasn't really interested in what you had to say, or that the issue you were talking about wasn't important to him because he could so easily just pick up the phone and talk about cheese to his friends.
In that situation I would have let the phone ring out and I'd call them back when the conversation was over, that way my girlfriend would have no doubt where my priorities and attention lay. If it was an emergency the person calling would no doubt call more than once and even then I'd say that it might be an emergency to my girl and would she mind if I answered to make sure.
It's just a matter of respect, not him trying to make you ask permission to answer your phone when you please, like some of the other aunts seem to have thought.
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reader, CindyCares +, writes (26 July 2010):
I don't think he wanted her to ask his formal permission to answer her own phone...
Maybe he was just surprised for the omission of the quick, totally rethoric " Do you mind ?..." or " I am sorry, I have to get that ..."that is usual and appropriate in this type of situations.
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reader, dirtball +, writes (26 July 2010):
I agree, this isn't the dark ages and you aren't ruled by him. If he was upset about the interruption to your conversation that's one thing, but you should not have to ask permission to answer your own phone. Besides, if he didn't want you to answer it, why did he fetch it for you?
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reader, AuntyEm +, writes (26 July 2010):
 No he isn't correct...you don't need permission to answer your phone, it may have been something very important. Perhaps he was just upset that it interrupted your conversation, but he's still got no right to expect you to ask permission.
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