A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I live together with two other roommates. Whenever the female roommate is around, he gets excited because she is usually at her boyfriend's house. He always tries going by her room to initiate conversation with her. Also, if it is just the three of us hanging out, I feel like I am not in the room. He doesn't really look at me. He keeps eye contact with her the whole time, and mainly pays attention to her. I know that he genuinely likes her as a friend, but sometimes I feel like he might be attracted to her too. I know she isn't around much, so he tries to hang out with her when he can, but I can't help but get jealous. Sometimes I worry if I am stuck at work, and they are alone at the house. I have talked to him about this before, and he admitted to paying attention to her because she wears very revealing clothes, but he wishes that she wouldn't because the way she dresses is inappropriate. Just a little background info: We have been dating for about 8 months, he has never proven to be unfaithful, and I trust him with every other female friend. My roommate and I are very close, but she has had a history of flirting with and kissing boys that I like. She has been made aware of her behavior, and has not acted like that ever since I confronted her about it. What should I think of this? Could this potentially be a big deal? Is this reason to worry?
View related questions:
at work, flirt, jealous, kissing, roommate Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (27 July 2010):
 Hi there, I'm a bit late to the thread but I had a thought for you. He has a crush on her. Yes, even when you are in a bonded, committed relationship, it is possible to experience having a crush on someone else.
The real question is how much of a threat this is to your relationship and if it will go beyond mere minor crushing. There's 'oh she's cute I wanna be around her' infatuation to 'omg she's so hot I just want to dump my girl but haven't figured out how and still see this babe' infatuation.
I've been married for nearly 16 years. I do not doubt my husband's fidelity nor his character, but there have been times when a gorgeous woman/acquaintance/friend has drawn his attention to the point that I get annoyed/irritated/neglected-feeling. I know that he gets an ego boost by having an attractive woman spend some time talking to him, it makes him feel good about himself and honestly puts a little spark into him.
I have in the past been so jealous and annoyed that I have completely thrown the book at him. The funny thing is that he's bewildered when this happens, he has no idea that he's overstepping my idea of the boundaries. And it's not like he's hanging on her, touching her or anything like that. Nope, he's just talking. And ignoring ME, which is of course a fatal error in judgment. ha!
If you can possibly stand it, figure out a way to make a joke about it. This of course requires that you draw his attention to his behavior. I'm in a longterm committed relationship, I know neither of us are going anywhere. My strategy is to point out that it is making him look foolish. Most men cannot stand think that they are an object of ridicule (fellow uncles, don't read the next few paragraphs, 'kay? this is girl-secret stuff)
If you can figure out a way to make him uncertain of her motives for the friendship, i.e. that she's actually secretly making fun of him or thinks he's a nerd and is just being nice because she feels sorry for him. Or worse, that he looks like some sort of bumbling goofball as he chases her around the living space.
Okay, uncles can look again.
The thing that stands out for me is that you are living with this guy and have only been dating 8 months. This to me is a bit too fast for cohabitation. I don't know if you started dating as roommates and then because you were already there, you just stayed.
I am friends with a couple who were just roommates at first. It was very complicated but essentially she and her best friend moved in together as housemates into his house. No one was dating anyone at that point. Then the other girl and he started dating, he basically succumbed to her strong personality, though he had feelings for the other roomie as well. They dated for a long time (years), and eventually, the whole situation came to a head with this girl wanted a ring and to get married. Finally, he had to confront his real feelings which were that he wanted my friend, not the one he was dating. It was a horrible mess, there was a lot of drama, a friendship ended, but the right two wound up together.
My feeling for you is that you are very vulnerable at this point as you have only been dating a few months and yet still live with him. It takes some time to really get to know if the initial compability is going to last and that you two are truly meant for each other.
If I were you, I'd call him on his 'crush', suggest to him that he looks ridiculous, and then sit back and see what happens. This may be his passive-aggressive way of getting out of a relationship he feels suffocated by.
As to your friend, I'd be very clear with her that he's off limits ... she may be one of those competitive women who feel better only when they've stolen the attention of their friends' men. Sad but it happens.
Take care of yourself.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you to everyone that gave their input on the situation.
Here are some responses to things were brought up by you all that I haven't made clear:
My boyfriend could be talking to me and our roommate simultaneously, such as telling a story, and he keeps eye contact with her and barely looks at me. When we are getting ready to go out with friends, he asks me if she is going to be there. He doesn't ask about anyone else.
Another thing is that we live upstairs, and she lives downstairs. A lot of the time that she walks out of her room and into the kitchen or living room, my boyfriend will get up from what he is doing to be in the same room as her, and he finds something to do there. It just bugs me that he is so eager to see her all the time. Any insight on this behavior?
...............................
A
male
reader, Universe Man +, writes (26 July 2010):
It's natural for your boyfriend to want to look at other attractive women. That will never go away. I don't think he really wishes she would cover herself up, either.
As for whether or not he would cheat on you, that's hard to predict. Most guys would under very select circumstances. Some guys would under practically any circumstances.
You feel you don't get enough attention when she is around. That's understandable. He should be attentive to you and make you feel like a desirable woman. That's one of his jobs. If he doesn't get it, you may need to spell it out for him.
On the other hand, you shouldn't ask him to pay no attention at all to her. Not because it's unreasonable, but because it will drive him away. If you can handle it, you might ask him to express to you his attraction to her. Maybe even in a sexual way, or during sex with you. I've bonded deeply with past girlfriends when they've allowed me to do that. At once, my attraction to other women changes from a secret to something I can share and embrace with my sexual partner.
...............................
A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (26 July 2010):
 I don't see a major issue unless he starts going out of his way to spend time with her when she's not around. Still, this is a bit of a red flag. I don't think his comment about her clothes is entirely true, but may not be entirely false either. One thing you may try is finding something for you to do together when she's around, that don't include her. That way you can take him out of the situation and/or see his reaction. If he fights it, then he's likely thinking more about her than he should be.
...............................
A
female
reader, LLindy87 +, writes (26 July 2010):
 If your friend and boyfriend care about you, they won't hurt you.
Perhaps when you are in the room with you two and you feel out of place and like you're not there, perhaps you should try to be a part of the conversation more and if they butt you out at all, perhaps then you can speak up and ask why they are like that. if they deny that its happening, perhaps they don't notice they do it.
Its something you should keep addressing if your bf doesn't actually pay you any attention when she is around.
...............................
A
male
reader, TimmD +, writes (26 July 2010):
 This all falls onto your boyfriend. Nobody should have to change the way they act around him for fear of enticing him to cheat. Meaning the line he gave blaming her for wearing revealing clothing is crap. It's not her fault he's taking an interest in her. It's his fault for choosing to look at her and try to spend time with her.
He may not have cheated, but so far he's giving you many bad signs. 8 months and he should still be giving all of his attention to you no matter who else is around. He's got no one else to blame besides himself, so if he constantly blames everybody else for his action such as "I wouldn't have stared at her if she didn't do such and such...." then that is sign of a troubled future with him.
Be cautious....
...............................
A
male
reader, xnickx +, writes (26 July 2010):
 There is always a reason to worry, even a small thing could potentially be a big deal.
But you're dealing with speculations.
In 8 months, he's never given you a reason to call him unfaithful.
He's come 100% clean about it, and told you why he pays attention to her, that its about her revealing clothing, and she no longer behaves the same way, so i really dont think that those are bad signs. He was honest with you, he's trusting you'll understand, trust him back.
If you start doubting him, you'll start accusing him of things that never happened, and end up obsessing over why he did one thing a certain way, and not another.
And thats when REAL problems will start cropping up.
And this could depend on his personality, but if he's looking in her eyes, maybe thats his way of making sure he doesnt look at anything else she may be revealing. Just my thoughts.
Anyways, im sure its nothing to worry about, i wouldnt worry unless its more concrete
NIck.
...............................
|
