A
female
age
36-40,
*t88
writes:Here's one I think people might actually have strong opinions on....Recently an old friend came back into my life. My boyfriend was thrilled for me when I told him, and was just as excited for me as I was since I REALLY enjoy their company. You can all probably imagine what comes next as this "old friend" is a man...Shortly after I did start hanging out with this guy again the jealousy monster reared its ugly head, and my boyfriend came up with the logic that (and I quote):"Men ARE NOT just friends with 'hot' women without wanting to 'tackle' them."What I get from all of this is:1) I can have all the male friends I want...HOWEVER I am not allowed to spend "unsupervised" time with themand2) by HIS definition, it is him that cannot be trusted since HE has multiple "hot" female FRIENDS, that he has admitted to finding attractive.My questions are, is it wrong of me to call him on his double standards and inform him he cannot have "unsupervised" time with his female friends anymore since that's EXACTLY what he's doing to me?Is there something I can do to understand why I can't have male friends, but HE can have female friends?How is this fair?Anyone else having this issue with their other half?
View related questions:
jealous Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, maverick494  +, writes (19 June 2010):
As he admitted he's attracted to his female friends, he figures all men are like that. And hell it might be true. I think this is what's bugging him: you have known this friend for a long time. This friend is a guy, who may like you back more than just a friend. Your boyfriend probably feels outmatched because you like this guy a lotand you've known him for a long time. It's a trust issue, but it's also insecurity.
I would tell him this: "I know you're nervous about me hanging out with him, but last time I checked YOU are my boyfriend and I love YOU. Even if my friend would have feelings for me, it doesn't matter because I don't feel the same. I love YOU and that's the end of it. Now, all I'm asking of you is your trust in ME, not in him. Do you trust me to be able to say "no" to my friend should he hit on me?"
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2010): Well he said himself he cant be trusted with his hot female friends. At the end of the day if YOUR friend tried anything nothing would happen because you would push him away. If he wants his hot female friends and tries it on with them whats to stop them going forward with it. If anything the double standard should be reversed!
...............................
A
male
reader, baddogbj  +, writes (19 June 2010):
 I think clearly the same standard has to apply to him as to you.
I wouldn't say that it is impossible for a man to have a genuinely platonic friendship with a woman - one of my oldest and best friends is gay woman and there are others - and of course there are many decent men that wouldn't cheat under any circumstances but 4 times out of 5 there is some underlying sexual element (in the man's mind at least) in a male - female friendship.
...............................
A
female
reader, Pt88 +, writes (19 June 2010):
Pt88 is verified as being by the original poster of the question baddog, my understanding of what you said tells me that the friendships HE has with women, are based on sexual attraction...in your opinion how should that fact be dealt with? Should he still be "allowed" to have these friendships if I'm not granted the same courtesy? I understand that part of this, but I don't understand how its okay for a man but not okay for a woman to have these types of friendships.
...............................
A
male
reader, baddogbj +, writes (19 June 2010):
Very few men will put much effort into a friendship with a girl that they don't find sexually attractive at some level.
...............................
A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (18 June 2010):
 Thought I'd chime in with a male perspective for you. I agree with your BF about men befriending women. I've said it alot (read through some of my posts if you don't believe me). For most men that is indeed the case. They may never act on those feelings, but it is very likely that your friend has feelings for you on some level, and would likely like to progress things with you if given the chance.
Now, is the double standard fair? Absolutely not. Like the others have said, it boils down to trust. He has to trust you and how you will act. How I see it is his jealousy is a direct correlation to his mistrust of how you'll act when not in his presence.
Do I have friends of the opposite sex? Sure. Of the single ones, are there any I'd like to be "more than friends" with? About 95% of them. Some more than others, and they don't even have to be single. It's just the way I'm wired. I respect a relationship, so I don't jeopardize them for others. I can't say I wouldn't be tempted if the right one expressed an interest though... Of course, I'm single, so my view is skewed from that perspective.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2010): Men & women can be friends without sexual stuff although it's hard. Men will slide from friend to lover more easily than women will.
His double standard is not fair to you. You are a grownup. If faithfulness has to be enforced then it is not real.
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (18 June 2010):
 Well, there's calling him out on it, and then there's calling him out on it. It's all in how you do it.
...............................
A
female
reader, Pt88 +, writes (18 June 2010):
Pt88 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTisha, I'm not afraid to call him on it, I'm just looking for other peoples opinions on the subject, because my fathers response was "you need to be single since you obviously don't know how a mans brain works" and my sisters response was "hunny, try and see things from his perspective."
That's what is making me wonder if I'm wrong to call him on it? Both my sister and father are borderline geniuses, I've always respected their opinions, and usually they are right.
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (18 June 2010):
I'd start asking him why he lacked trust in you. You might unravel that strand and find that he's been feeling like straying himself and is projecting his feelings onto you. Tread very very carefully with this one, as you don't want to accuse him of something he hasn't actually done. But the thought's there, somewhere, in his head, and to cope with it, he puts it on you too.
He may genuinely be threatened by the easy relationship you have with this other guy.
...............................
A
female
reader, Accountable  +, writes (18 June 2010):
 You should absolutely call him out on it. If you dont, you'll end up resenting him for it, and it may well be a slippery slope of control.. next he'll be telling you what you can and cant wear for fear of attracting male attention to yourself, and when you're allowed to go out unsupervised anywhere. Stop it here! It seems like his real problem is trust, and you guys need to communicate and work out a fair solution.
Good luck!
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (18 June 2010):
Good grief, this one looks like a 'gimme' for you. Why are you afraid to call him on his nonsense?
...............................
A
female
reader, Pt88 +, writes (18 June 2010):
Pt88 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe funny thing about this is, myself, my boyfriend and my friend all went to dinner together so I could show my boyfriend he has NOTHING to worry about. On the drive home I asked "Still jealous?" and he replied sheepishly, "No."
I thought that would be the end of the jealousy on that subject. But last night during our fight I mentioned that and he said "Well I lied!"
Not sure whats more annoying...the double standards, or the lying about the jealousy!
...............................
|
