A
female
age
41-50,
*ewATLgirl
writes:We have only been living together for 3 months, and I even moved across country to be with him, as we were long distance for a year and a half. So, one morning before he left (for a boy's weekend in Las Vegas), I walked the bedroom and heard him at the drawer with the box of condoms, and then saw his hands in his pockets. I put it together, and figured it out. When he returned, the 2 condoms were back, so he didn't use them. The next day I asked him about it. I then told him that I saw him take them, and he said that yes he did. Reason: His friends have asked him before, so that is why he brought them. I told him I did not believe that and a fight ensued. I don't really love the idea of him going to Vegas, which he knows. In January he took off for Vegas without letting me know, and I found out he was there via a Facebook post! (I used to not use FB often.) I called him on it and he admitted that he didn’t tell me because I would get upset. So when we were discussing this condom issue, I told him that I thought his excuse was crap, and plus he had already lied to me before. So here is the question: Is there any way he really could have taken the condoms to Vegas in case a friend needed it? I think the answer is “no” but want other opinions. If he took them for himself, then I’m glad they didn’t get used, but does this mean he has likely already cheated? I need some advice here please.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2010): girl he will cheat if he hasn't done so already. it is just a cock and bull story about his friends needing condoms.
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female
reader, Sincerely Yours +, writes (25 June 2010):
 I didn't see the post regarding the strip club.
In that case, yes he is sleezy.
I hereby agree with all other posters.
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female
reader, NewATLgirl +, writes (25 June 2010):
NewATLgirl is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes, I am not saying that it’s not a possibility that friends have asked him for a condom in the past. However, he does carry one in his wallet so he could have given a friend that one. Also, why would he think to himself, 15 minutes before he left: “Yeah I have that one condom in my wallet for a friend, but I better bring two more just in case they need them.” That is the piece that I just don’t buy. Do you know what I mean? Plus, he has been dishonest two other times with the trip in January and the part about not ever going to strip clubs.
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female
reader, Sincerely Yours +, writes (25 June 2010):
One more thing: My husband was a virgin when I met him, and he just told me that he used to carry one for his friends, because they were always asking each other for one. He said it came in handy 4 or 5 times.
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female
reader, Sincerely Yours +, writes (25 June 2010):
I asked my husband and he agrees with me. It's a possibility that he planned on cheating on you, but he brought the condoms back, without knowing that you saw him with them before he left.
My hub says that he can't even count the times he's heard his friends ask each other for condoms. It's very common.
Be very careful about this decision.
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female
reader, NewATLgirl +, writes (25 June 2010):
NewATLgirl is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAgain, thanks for the advice everyone. I think the consensus is that the evidence is there that he is not completely honest with me, and if he hasn’t already cheated, he has the propensity to do so. I am trying to adjust to this new reality and understand that all of the time and love I have invested may be for not. I am working out how to do what is best for me, as I consider an exit plan…
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (25 June 2010):
 Drinks cost an arm and a leg in Strip clubs, specially if he is buying rounds. I honestly don't know if you can charge lap dances and so forth on your card.
Again.. He doesn't want to be honest with you.
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female
reader, Sincerely Yours +, writes (25 June 2010):
Yeah and some things really do stay, like all the damn money you gambled away. Sianara suckas.
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female
reader, Sincerely Yours +, writes (25 June 2010):
PS MOD, I am LOVING these titles recently.
Pm me. i want to know who is making all these up.
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female
reader, Sincerely Yours +, writes (25 June 2010):
If he had intended to use those condoms for himself, I think he would have. He probably had plenty of opportunities.
He brought them back though, meaning he didn't use them, and his friends didn't need them.
I would assume that his friends would take their own to a place like LV.
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male
reader, dirtball +, writes (25 June 2010):
 The new information does lead toward a trend of lies. Doesn't seem to me that he's done much to maintain your trust. Might be time to move on.
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male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (25 June 2010):
A bunch of men together in Vegas and receipts at a strip club? He went. And his reacting screams that he cheated.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2010): This is really sketchy. Not only is he showing signs of messing around, he apparently thinks very little of your intelligence by LYING to you.Don't second-guess yourself. If you think something's going on, it most likely is. Walk away now, before you actually walk in and CATCH him with someone (happened to me)...
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (24 June 2010):
 As a side note, for the snooping issue. If you feel the need to snoop just leave the man instead. Clearly there is not enough trust in the relationship, he is not trustworthy, and you don't feel secure. If you feel the need to snoop you might as well leave. Say you find something, there will be a huge row and you will leave. Say you don't find anything... you will continue to be on guard and never trust the man again, constantly snooping through his things to check if "this time" you will find something. It's a dead end.
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female
reader, chigirl +, writes (24 June 2010):
It is possible. I don't know how often they exchange condoms in his group of friends, but unlikely as it might sound everything is possible. The issue I see here though is that there are too many red flags. He brought the condoms... even if they were for a friend he could have had the decency to buy them for his friend while there. Or just bring money for condoms. Or tell his friend to bring his own. He should have had the courtesy to consider your feelings, tell you about these trips to Las Vegas and not hide it...
Be on guard. This smells fishy. Don't forget only stupid cheaters get caught. And as have been proven many a time, there are many stupid cheaters out there, who would take condoms from a supply he shares with his gf... There are worse too. Some even bring call girls back home to their own house without checking if the gf/wife is at home. So assuming he wouldn't do this or that because it would be dumb is not really a good argument.
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female
reader, NewATLgirl +, writes (24 June 2010):
NewATLgirl is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your feedback. There is one other piece of information here. My boyfriend has always said that he does not go to strip clubs, since they are a waste of money. I have never said that I would be angry if he went, just that I would want to know. So I found a statement of his account that shows two two-hundred dollar withdraws at a strip club here locally before I moved here. I asked him if he has been to a strip club since he has known me, and he denied it. I said I would not be upset, just that I would want to know….left if wide open for him to be honest with me. Of course I did not say anything further, or show him where I saw the information. So, this again establishes that he is not honest with me. Plus, what do you spent 400 bucks on at a strip club?! I could guess…
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male
reader, TimmD +, writes (24 June 2010):
 Sounds like you need to examine your relationship. Let me ask you this, what has he done for you? You said you moved across the country for him, and already this sounds like a pretty one sided relationship. It sounds like you make all of the sacrifices and he just does whatever he wants to do and then blames it on you, using lines like "I didn't tell you because I knew YOU would get mad.". Childish answer.
But honestly, what does he do for you? What sacrifices has he made? Did he appreciate you moving all the way to him, or did he just expect it?
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female
reader, NewATLgirl +, writes (24 June 2010):
NewATLgirl is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes I think it’s shady too. When I said that I didn’t think it was a legitimate reason (taking them for friends), he got really defensive….said I was calling him a liar. After talking about it all, he asked if I want to stay or if I want to leave. He said he doesn’t want me to be here in the house while he’s gone if I am angry, and planning to leave, since I could possibly destroy his stuff! WTF?! Basically he was saying: believe me or leave. I calmed down the conversation, and just said I need time to clear my head after the difficult weekend, since I didn’t want him to tell me to get out (remember I moved to a different state so my family and friends are not here to help me). I’m just trying to keep it copasetic for now, until I can figure out how to move forward.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (24 June 2010):
Shady shady shady.
Sorry I would not believe a word out of his mouth either. There can be a designated driver, but a designated condom holder? WTH? are they 15?
Sorry, wouldn't fly with me either.
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female
reader, Annonymous777 +, writes (24 June 2010):
I agree with Cindycares. Why couldn't they get their own condoms? Something does not seem right. And even if they were for his friends, their intentions were obviously to pick up girls and get themselves in situations where there was opportunity for that. I would feel super uncomfortable and i don't blame you for your concern. Did you ask him why they didn't just buy them for themselves? Also you say he brought them back....If they were for his friends why would he still have them? Wouldn't he have given them to his friends??? Just something things to think about.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (24 June 2010):
 And why couldn't his friends get their own condoms
either at home or in Vegas ? Condoms are not so expensive that a guy in his 30's need to bum them from a friend !
He just thought you were not gonna find out the condoms were missing, and he thought he was gonna get lucky in Vegas. Wrong on both.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2010): In your position I think I'd feel exactly the same suspicion, particular as this IS a boy's night out, and it IS Vegas! (I'm not saying that every guy who goes to Vegas is a cheat - but it is a place with a mighty lot of temptations on offer, and there are some people who go there for more than just a fun night out with the boys). In your shoes, I'd feel quite uncomfortable about the whole thing too, so I don't think you're being paranoid or jealous here. Particularly as he has lied to you in the past about his trips there, which must mean that the whole subject of Vegas is a difficult and touchy one for you.
I don't think that this means that your boyfriend has cheated on you, but it could mean that he's willing to do so if the right circumstances arise. Essentially, with you by his side, he has no business carrying condoms anywhere, and his excuse is a little bit thin. Sure, there is a possibility that he took them for friends. You can't entirely rule it out. But it does seem like a very weak explanation. Surely his friends can look after themselves? (I'm not sure I'd be that impressed if, on meeting a guy, he had to go around his mates asking for a condom! It's not very sexy to have everyone in your business like that!)
This is extremely hard for you, because it's obviously having an impact on your trust in your partner, yet it's not like you have any clear-cut evidence to go on. That leaves you in a horrible state of uncertainty that is very difficult to resolve. I would be in pieces with the anxiety of it all! You shouldn't have to deal with that fear - a relationship should give you strength and security, not anxiety and uncertainty.
The first thing I suggest you do is to talk to him again, but in a more detached manner this time. Try to avoid getting into a fight, because then positions just become entrenched and no-one gets near the truth. Explain that his behaviour is making you doubt the relationship, and his fidelity in particular. Tell him how hurt and confused you feel. Ask him to be absolutely straight with you about what's going on. Even if he doesn't tell you the truth (and many men lie in these circumstances), you've given him a neutral, clear opportunity to do so, and you've also been honest with him about how you are feeling - so the moral highground is yours!
I'm afraid where you go from there depends largely on how well you handle uncertainty. Can you move on from this, and let it go, deciding to give him the benefit of the doubt and trust him in future? Or is your trust so badly shaken that you can't come back from this and recover your confidence in him? Alternatively, is there something he can do that would renew your trust in him (for instance offering to take you on any future holidays to Vegas?)
I feel bad that you are having to go through this - it sounds horrible. I hope that you can sort it out, but I fear that ultimately you won't get any objective answers, so that whatever you decide will be something of a leap of faith in the dark. I wish you good luck.
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female
reader, NewATLgirl +, writes (24 June 2010):
NewATLgirl is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your thoughts and advice on my situation. I haven't had trust issues with him until the Vegas trip I didn't know about in Jan. I could be overreacting, but I want to find out more so I can either confirm my suspicions, or let this rest. What, if anything should I look for, and how do I do it? I have never snooped before, but I feel this shady situation calls for it.
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male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (24 June 2010):
I think you need to look at this carefully. He took condoms, which means he had an idea that he'd pull women. More to the point, one day he just took off and you found out he was there via facebook. I think there's a very high chance you're being played here.
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male
reader, dirtball +, writes (24 June 2010):
I think if he was cheating, he wouldn't have taken the condoms from a supply you share, he would have likely bought some while there so you never would find out. I think you're overreacting. Ultimately it boils down to trust. How much do you trust him? It doesn't sound like very much...
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