A
female
age
41-50,
*hatamess
writes:I am 31 and have been married for 7-years. Our relationship is good – we talk, laugh and generally get on well. The problem is that I feel we are more friends than lovers and for the last 4-years we have not had sex. 6-weeks ago, I met another man and we really hit it off. It was nice to be desired again. I have been texting and have since seen this new man. I feel really confused, guilty and just don’t know what to do. A part of me is really enjoying being made to feel like a woman again and the other part of me is ridden with guilt at what I am doing. I never thought I would go off and have an affair but here I am. I don’t know what to do.... I love my husband and also care about this new man. They are both great in their own way. I am the guilty party here as I am deceiving them both. Has anyone been in this situation? Any advice? Thanks.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2010): I'm always astounded with the insistence on preserving marital vows at all costs. Even the Catholic church allows annulments when there is no sex in the marriage anymore. It is prefferred, in the eyes of God, to consummate teh marriage. I agree you need to do absolultely everything to get counseling and work like hell to keep the marriage...but if it won't happen, it won't happen, and you do an injustice to your vows to remain together. A big word in marital vows is HONOR. You are not honoring a marital relationship by staying in it at all costs and making each other miserable. Honoring someone also includes setting them free to live a happier, healthier life. You do not honor God by living in misery and unhappiness. Only people who have been in this situation understand.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2010): I'm going through the same thing,i have four children and have been with my husband for almost 17 yrs,we got together when i was 13 yrs old. we been married for 2 yrs.he was my first everything.have never been with any one else until recently i ran into someone that i have always been attracted to,and we really hit it off,i started lying to my husband teling him i was working and so on just to see. ended up geting caught up in my lies we seperated for only a few days i told him i needed more time alone to just think,but that didnt happen.so now were sorta together but im just not in love with him anymore.i'll always love him though.i'm gonna just have to tell him that its over for me because i cant keep living a lie. i feel like a horable person i feel so guilty confused trapped, so many mixed emotions and im so scared that the grass isnt greener on the other side. everyone keeps telling me to follow my heart
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A
male
reader, dirtball  +, writes (30 June 2010):
 It feels good to feel attractive and desired, I don't blame you for wanting that. I'm with everyone else though. You should really be seeking this from your husband. Find something that will light the fire again. 4 years is way too long to go without sex. You need to talk about that. Communication is the most important thing in a relationship.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2010): Having been on the receiving end of an affair, I have to fight back the frustration I feel in reading this post to give you the best advice I can.
The reasons for doing what you're doing can never possibly outweight the everlasting damage you're creating everyday by carrying on this affair. I can't tell you the pain you experience being that person who has been cheated on.. this gut wrenching pain through your body that makes childbirth seem like a twinge.
You are not DATING your husband, he is your husband. You stood before each other at the alter and said your vows to be partners for the rest of your lives, through thick and thin. If you are unhappy with the current status of your marriage, you have NO RIGHT to turn AWAY from the marriage and start something with someone else, you WORK at it, that's why it's called a marriage. Remind yourself that you two chose that.
I assume you've never communicated how distant you're feeling from your husband? How will he know how you're feeling if you're acting out your frustrations in secret? How could you ever repair anything if the bulk of your energy is spent on a relationship outside of the marriage?
You married your husband for a reason. With open communication about how you both feel, complete honesty and some marriage counselling, you two can work to regain what you once had. Of COURSE the spark fades if you don't work at things. Everyone's guilty of growing complacent with each other, but it's a deep-seated selfishness that causes people to go outside the relationship, begin and continue an affair. The emotional damage it causes is inconceivable.
For your husband's sake, end the affair NOW. You and your husband can work together to have your needs met in your relationship once again. You'd be surprised what some good marriage counselling can achieve. Otherwise, be prepared to lose your husband from your life - the person that vowed to spend the rest of his life with you.
Of course there's a spark now while you're carrying on an affair - it's new and exciting and you two are exploring each other. But you were once this way with your husband as well. It will not stay this way.. and one day you'll wake up.. realising you lost the best guy. Do you want to commit to someone that could carry on with a married woman? What kind of set of moral values does HE have?
End the affair now, tell your husband what has happened and suggest counselling together, then hope like hell he doesn't file for divorce. If you carry this thing on, you deserve to end up alone in life.
Or, carry on the affair but have the decency to tell your husband what's happening and leave him. Give HIM a chance to be happy with someone who deserves him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2010): There is nothing you will gain out of this cheating business.
let me ask you this? suppose you are diagnosed n with cancer tomorrow and you will die in 6 months. who will really miss you or care for you or be in pain with you. ask yourself and you will get the answer.
to tell you truth, the new guy will not even bother to call you once you tell him after 1 week and 2-3 visits.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2010): 4 years no sex?That's strange.Why didnt you do anything about it.If my husband ignores me for a week I make sure I dress myself more well and look gorgeous all the time.4 years is shocking
two choices
1)End it with husband.Go for other guy.
2)Take husband to counseling.
I agree with Caringguy completely.you don't want to end up as a MILF on some guy's bed post do you?
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A
female
reader, Tbosse  +, writes (30 June 2010):
 Stop this affair with the new guy before you fall deeper with him.think with your head not with your emotions:you know your your husband loves you.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2010): I'm a 41 y.o. male who was married for 14 years. The last 5 went downhill rapidly...we became so disconnected, we couldnt find our way back. Like you, I got along OK with her. We even had sex a few times a month. The sex was good, physically, but like the rest of our relationship, lacked passion and energy. We were more like room mates or sister and brother. I met someone else, had an affair, and it tore me apart. I stayed with the other woman, and I do love her...but I paid a terrible price. I lost a spouse and friend of 20 years, my home, my job and my integrity. I had a chance, even after I revealed the affair, to work it out through counseling. I failed. While I don't really miss my ex, I miss teh family dynamic and good times terribly. I say try to work on it. Any marriage is, at best, 80%. It is almost never 100% all the time. If you are missing somethings, work on them to get them back. If they were there once, they can be there again. In my case, we lost too much, and the affair was the deal breaker. Assess if you can regain what you lost. If you think you can, you need to end the affair before it is discovered...and it will be if you continue. If you can't regain what is missing, leave your husband and spare yourself and him the anguish. Let me tell you...living 2 lives will TEAR YOU APART. It may also kill your new relationship. Pick a path and follow it.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (30 June 2010):
End it with the new guy, go back to your marriage and work on it. You have a good time with your husband, and he seems like a good man. You seem to have come across that moment in your marriage where you need to kick it into gear again. Go out on dates, have fun together and really get to know each other again. Forget this new guy. He can't be that great, because he's messing around with a married woman. You can bet that he'll be out to just use you. Go home to your husband and wok on your marriage, or you might find that you wind up with not husband and no lover, and a bad reputation. Go home to your marriage and work on it.
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