A
female
age
36-40,
*tressin
writes:Hi there. Ive been in a serious relationship with my boyfriend for almost 2 years but pretty much the whole time ive felt really unwanted sexually by him. By no exaggesation, he has given me oral sex 3 times without me having to ask him, and then push the point, for it. Wen i do get it, its a half-assed couple of minutes. Furthermore i cannot initiate sex, and haven't been able to for at least 9 months, probably never really. I get excuses like 'too tired', 'too full', 'headache', 'have to wake up early', 'arms are sore'. Worse is we have had many talks about it, and he says all i have to do is ask (which brings me bak to the fact the when i do ask, i dont get), and that he will change. I give him oral all the time (least once a fornight, more like a week). We barely have forplay in sex either, it feels like im only there to get him off. Im quite a sensual person though too. Im the sort of woman who takes care to groom my body, exercise a bit, n enjoys wearing lingere n outfits to the bedroom. Ive been at home practicing lap dancing etc for sexy moves, and give him stripteases. im just wondering if im ever worth it. i dont know wat to do anymore. I dont all the things to get him to notice me, but it doesn;t work, he only ever thinks about himself
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notice me, oral sex, sex life Reply to this Question
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female
reader, EbonyBlossom  +, writes (25 June 2010):
 It seems a bit to me that he's learnt that he can use you as a doormat and is making the most of it. I know it's hard, but don't you want someone who will do all those things for you? You sound incredibly intelligent and he doesn't deserve you. I think you're wasting your time with him. List all the good things about him and why you love him. Because I really don't like the sound of him.
A
female
reader, stressin +, writes (19 June 2010):
stressin is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHello and thank you all for your advice and take on this issue. I worry that because i'm worriying im seeign things as worse than they are, but i have done my absolute best to put these accounts in objective terms. To answer Ebony, I have considered it is perhaps a difference of sex drives, but from what he and other people have told me, he is also known for a high sex drive. Also, i go down on him both when asked (Things can turn bad, I get yelled at otherwise) and without being asked. He's the only man ive ever enjoyed giving it to, i did it probably 5 times over a course of 8 years before i got with him. Thats another issue though, I want to give my all to him, inculding sexually. I've told him id love for him to lay me down and just take his time exploring my body, and how i've never been comfortable enough to want anyone else to do that. I have even promoted this desire to being my ultimate fantasy just to try and motivate him. I even asked that he would do this, giv me head and a massage (am I being unreasonable?) on my birthday. 5 weeks later and i'm still waiting.... I do everything for him that he wants. But i feel like i'm only around because i will do what he wants, and just to get him off. When we do have sex, its usually 2 min fuck in the morning or middle of the night. He pretty much maximises it so i don;t have the opportunity to ask for anything. These issues spill out into other areas aswell. For example, I'm surrently sutdying Honours in Psychology at university in Australia. My course requires i attend 2 full days at uni in classes, and spend at least 4 full days (10 hours) studying outside of uni. Im also studying to be a telephone cousellor with Lifeline (a crisis call centre), which is helping me with my uni studies, and takes up abt 8 hrs a week. I also work casually (5-8 hours a week) at a cafe. I asked my boyfriend over 4 moths ago when i started uni if he could cook dinner (its alwaqys been my job) on the 2 nights of the week im at uni because im gone for at least 12 hours each day. This caused many arugements, and he only ever managed to cook one dinner which was fryed chips and dim sims etc. Sorry i think i'm just ranting now. Anyway, thank you so much everyone for your answers. At least i have the courage and good pointers for opening up and talking about the topic once again. I just love this man more than anyone ever, but its destroying me feeling so worthless
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A
male
reader, dirtball  +, writes (18 June 2010):
 My ex gf was just like your bf. We weren't sexually compatible. I always had to initiate. She never reciprocated oral. We had sex once every other month if I was lucky. No foreplay... I know, sounds familiar. It left me feeling very down because the person who "loved" me had no interest in me sexually. Sorry, but then we're just friends. That's ultimately why we moved on.
I tried talking to her about it, but nothing ever changed. She was sweet, but we just weren't made for eachother. Sounds like that's the case here too. He is being selfish, and probably wants to break up, but just isn't couragous enough to do it. Sometimes we get comfortable even though we aren't happy. It is better to move on so you can find someone more compatible and real happiness. Best wishes.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2010): Sorry hun, but there is nothing that you can do to make it better...only he can make it better :( If he is unwilling to try, then you are doomed to have a dismal sex life.
You may want to keep an eye on his masturbation habits, some guys are masturbating too much and foregoing sex lives with their girlfriends....just an idea.
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A
female
reader, EbonyBlossom +, writes (18 June 2010):
It does sound selfish from your point of view. How often do you have sex? It could simply be that either you have a really high sex drive or he has a really low one (or both.) When you go down on him, is it because he asks for it or do you just do it? Because it's only fair on you to only do so when asked. Also, find out what turns him on. My boyfriend doesn't like it when I'm pushy for sex or try and plan it. He likes it when we're just being playful or when there's a change or scenery. Next time you have the discussion, make a point of saying that when you ask you don't get and that it isn't fair. There's obviously something he's not opening up about. Maybe he thinks you're not very good? I know it sounds insensitive but it is only a possibility, not a guarantee. Tell him you won't be angry or amused if he opens up about his problem, but stress that if he doesn't that you're leaving. And mean it. Because he's being selfish.
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