| Latest articles: I'm a thoroughly modern brand of old-fashioned
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12 August 2016: I was particularly amused by a recent comment about my views. I was described as living in “the 1950s,” which I found highly amusing. But when I’d had my chuckle, I got to thinking: what would it be like to be stuck in the 50s? How does the ...
I hate cheating, but not as much as a failure to forgive
This question has 1 answer by a reader of DearCupid.ORG.
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23 August 2015: IT’s been the story that hasn’t gone away all week. Ashley Madison sent journalists in to a spin trying to access the 9.7 gb of data leaked on to the internet, trying to find any public figures who may be embroiled in the scandal. Suspicious spouses ...
Childless by choice: please stop judging us
This question has 3 answers by readers of DearCupid.ORG.
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6 July 2015: This morning, as usual, I was perusing the questions on Dearcupid, when I stumbled across a question from a woman regarding her feelings about not wanting a child. Although I gave a comprehensive answer to the question, it touched a nerve with me, ...
On-line dating: my honest look
This question has 1 answer by a reader of DearCupid.ORG.
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12 January 2014: On-line dating: my honest look Those who read my column with any regularity will know there is considerable absence of references to my personal life. I am, for the most part, keen to concentrate on advising because, good advice is good no matte...
Revenge is sweet: A Greek tragedy that I think will make you think twice about that.
This question has 3 answers by readers of DearCupid.ORG.
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9 March 2013: REVENGE IS SWEET: A Greek tragedy that I think will make you think twice about that. Revenge, they say, is sweet. Well British people have, if they have been following the news, witnessed a very public case in point to prove that the reverse can ...
Nollaig na mBan: A day for the ladies
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6 January 2013: Nollaig na mBan: A day for the ladies You may or may not know that in Ireland, the date of 6 January is known as Women’s Christmas (Nollaig na mBan). On this day, the tradition (still strong in parts of the country) is that men take responsibil...
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What can I do to save my relationship?
Q. I have been with my boyfriend for 6 years and we have three beautiful children together. Over the years we've had ups and downs like most couples but recently its been getting worse. I have gained wait since the birth of our last child who is about ...
A. 9 May 2012: Cheese is good for you, it is a great source of protein and calcium. It does also contain fat though, so moderation is the order of the day, eating cheese is fine, just not in large quantities. But definitely don’t stop eating cheese because you’d ... (read in full...)
What can I do to save my relationship?
Q. I have been with my boyfriend for 6 years and we have three beautiful children together. Over the years we've had ups and downs like most couples but recently its been getting worse. I have gained wait since the birth of our last child who is about ...
A. 8 May 2012: Are you actually overweight? However you might feel about your weight, if you don’t have anything to lose it’s not just going to fall off. Ask any dieter: if you make a big change to your lifestyle and you are very overweight, you’ll lose weight ... (read in full...)
Is she not telling me she's dating because she still likes me?
Q. In 2009 I met this girl whose boyfriend lived in Korea for about 6 months, during that time her and I got extremely close. She ended up having an extremely nasty breakup with her before 2011 and we started talking again and we hooked up immedi...
A. 8 May 2012: I don’t know why she came to the restaurant. Maybe she did want to see you, maybe she just likes that restaurant, maybe she didn’t think you’d be there, or maybe she wasn’t concerned either way. Whatever the reason, I don’t think my advice to you ... (read in full...)
Is it ok for a couple to be Bisexual?
Q. Hi im 29 and my girlfriend is 22 not long ago we both opened up while watching porn together and said we like same sex no matter if its 2 chicks, 2 males or 2 transvestites we just love it. We both really love each other and want to spend the rest ...
A. 6 May 2012: You ask is it okay to be bisexual in a relationship, yes! But that’s probably not the important question to be asking. Bisexual means, as you know, that you are attracted to people of both sexes. It does not mean, though, that you cannot be ... (read in full...)
I don't think he's attractive but I accepted a date and now I feel forced to go
Q. please don't read this and assume i'm a horrible person, but I met this guy not long ago and he's asked me out on a date. The things is, when I was out the other day he was there to and you think I would be happy to see him, or get that feeling ...
A. 6 May 2012: No-one assumes it’s going to be marriage, kids and a lifetime together from the first date, the chances of rejection for both parties are very high for the first few dates because you’re getting to know each other. If you’re still not sure about how ... (read in full...)
Is she not telling me she's dating because she still likes me?
Q. In 2009 I met this girl whose boyfriend lived in Korea for about 6 months, during that time her and I got extremely close. She ended up having an extremely nasty breakup with her before 2011 and we started talking again and we hooked up immedi...
A. 6 May 2012: It sounds like you both substituted a new relationship for dealing properly with your past, and rebound relationships are not based on a secure footing at all. She probably didn’t tell you about dating some-one else because you cut off contact. She ... (read in full...)
Difficult boyfriend or ex-boyfriend?
Q. Hello! I was seeing this guy for one month. Lately he has been very stressed out and he kept telling me that he gets very tired and that he has many things on his mind. I know, it was all true and not lies. That was the reason we couldn't see each ...
A. 5 May 2012: You do need to consider the question of whether he’s worth it or not though. The problem is that by refusing to communicate with you like this he’s leaving you in a horrible limbo. You can’t try to cope with a breakup, or move forward as a couple, ... (read in full...)
What can I do to save my relationship?
Q. I have been with my boyfriend for 6 years and we have three beautiful children together. Over the years we've had ups and downs like most couples but recently its been getting worse. I have gained wait since the birth of our last child who is about ...
A. 5 May 2012: You won’t fix this relationship if it’s all one-way, you making all the changes whilst nothing changes for him. You’ve taken the first important step already, which is to identify what the problems actually are. So many people fail to break all ... (read in full...)
I really want her to be my girlfriend but every time I ask she says no! How do I get her to go out with me?
Q. hello everyone! I am 13 years old and in year 8. there's this really cute girl at my high school in my class and i really have very strong fellings (and thoughts) about her i even think about her when i masturbate. 5-8 times a week by the way....
A. 5 May 2012: You can’t make her like you. If she doesn’t have the same feelings for you that you do for her, you can’t make her have those feelings. You can be a good friend to her though, just don’t form a friendship with her assuming that one day it’ll be ... (read in full...)
His past one night stands are really bothering me!
Q. I'm seeing a man who is much older than myself, and i can't stop feeling upset because he told me that he had a couple of one night stands when he was younger. He had relationships as well, but for some reason, it really bothers me that he had one ...
A. 5 May 2012: People do a lot of things when they’re young that they regret or wouldn’t do now. We all grow up, evolve, change our minds, our attitudes and behaviours with time. Have you never done something you later wished you hadn’t, or made a bad decision in ... (read in full...)
Why do I feel so bad for breaking up with him?
Q. Okay so I'm 14, a freshman in high school and I met this guy who told me he was a senior and 17. He asked me out the same day we met and I agreed. The next day, when I saw him at school he was acting really weird. He tried to make out with me, tried ...
A. 5 May 2012: It does sound like he was a bit intense for the early days of a relationship. You probably feel bad because he got upset, but you can’t date some-one out of sympathy, pity or whatever you want to call it. You did the right thing being honest, ... (read in full...)
His spending and saving habits are giving me pause!
Q. My b/f is a nice guy, lovely company, helpful around the house when he stays over. We've been together 2 years. He's 5 years older than me. I have realised we have very different opinions on work, money, savings and planning ahead. I like to be ...
A. 5 May 2012: Unfortunately there are some people who never quite manage to get a grip on their finances, or develop a responsible attitude to money. A significant but underemphasised cause of the current economic difficulties is the levels of personal debt that ... (read in full...)
I am 20 years old..and I have never been in a relationship or even on a date
Q. I am 20 years old..and I have never been in a relationship or even a date.All my friends are in one,I feel like there's something really wrong with me,like I'm not pretty enough. People do tell me I'm pretty,but I dont feel so,maybe they lie. To...
A. 5 May 2012: You are not abnormal just because you’ve never been on a date at your age. There are men and women out there who have not had a relationship or much dating experience at your age. Starting to date people earlier in life doesn’t mean that you’re ... (read in full...)
Looks like if I want to be with my boyfriend then I better not talk to any other guy for the rest of my life!
Q. My LDR boyfriend of 2 years always gets mad at me whenever he sees me talking to a guy even if it's just a normal conversation, no flirty talks, no hooking up whatsoever. He'll become so mad that he'll bring that into arguments for days. He even got ...
A. 5 May 2012: This situation is ridiculous. You won’t be able to go on like this. Soon you won’t be able to go out-what if the person on the till when you do your food shopping is a man! Schock horror! you’ll have to talk to him! Your boyfriend needs a reality ... (read in full...)
I have let a 19 year old chat me up, and now I'm wondering, what's the harm?
Q. Been a silly girl I know. But have let a 19 yr old chat me up, he's obviously only after one thing, trouble is, I am 40. We're both single. But... Anyway, I have been single 4 yrs now, and working non stop, I keep thinking so what! Bit of fun? All...
A. 4 May 2012: You need to think carefully about this. Firstly, one of the major problems with casual sexual relationships of this kind is that there is a big risk that some-one will actually become emotionally attached to the other person and start to develop ... (read in full...)
How do people cope with the knowledge that their spouse probably had better sex with at least one of their exes?
Q. I realize people are tired of the never-ending retroactive jealousy questions, but please try to bear with me. Believe me, if it were possible to solve this by simply telling myself it's irrational, dumb, pointless, a double standard, the past ...
A. 4 May 2012: Your whole view of this relationship is based on doubts, this runs much deeper than just sex. Suppose she’d responded to your questions by telling you that sex with you was the best she’d ever have, would you accept that? Reading your post, I ... (read in full...)
Is lack of confidence a sign of just being a failure, at my age?
Q. This isn't a romantic relationship question, but I really could use some help because it's affecting me a lot! I've been blessed with the most wonderful friends and parents in the world and the fact that I achieved those bonds is a huge mark of s...
A. 4 May 2012: A lack of confidence is an inner feeling, which is easy to disguise to the world outside, so don’t compare yourself in this way to other people. Self-doubt is not a sign of failure, it often does not match reality. A person lacking in confidence ... (read in full...)
Are men put off by women who have given birth?
Q. question for the men on here.. Are men put off by women who have given birth? either because they watched their partner give birth which has put them off sex and can't get the image of their head of seeing partner being stretched and watching som...
A. 4 May 2012: Look at how many men go on to have other children with their partners after the birth of the first child, and how many men date women with children from past relationships. As with all these kinds of discussions, the male and female populations are ... (read in full...)
My boyfriend has been accepted to University and that means moving away. How do I cope while he is away?
Q. My boyfriend is very, very clever. It's one of the main things that attracted to me to him. He's majoring in Mathematics and he got accepted to XYZ University yesterday. He is in his 3rd year. he knows a professor there apparently (put in a go...
A. 3 May 2012: It does sound like a fantastic opportunity for your boyfriend, so you should encourage him to do this for his future. It’s hard to be supportive when you’re so upset, but this doesn’t have to be a disaster. My suggestion is that you have a conve... (read in full...)
I'm living with my boyfriend's family and I'm attracted to his brother!
Q. Ummm ok I've been with my boyfriend for almost 5 years and I've lived with him and his family for 4. We have a 3 year old daughter together. I know it's wrong but over the years I started to like his younger brother he is amazing !! I've always ...
A. 3 May 2012: It’s a fact of human nature that we find some people attractive, whoever they are, but think of the pain and suffering this would cause. Was sending that Facebook message really a very responsible thing to do? Or actually a bit immature and silly! ... (read in full...)
If your boyfriend did this for you, would you like it?
Q. Ok... well please bear in mind that my girlfriend has only ever been with jerks. For some reason she thinks im too good for her, when in reality its the other way around. She had only ever gone to the cinema really and she would have to pay for her ...
A. 3 May 2012: It’s a lovely, romantic thing to do. You’ve made a big effort to show her how special she is to you. That’s what really counts! Go ahead, and have a lovely night.... (read in full...)
I don't want to date him if he's dating my friend!
Q. What if he's done something with my friend? I'm starting to like him.? There's this girl I met at my gym a few months ago. We hit it off. She's a nice girl and I like her. We have so much in common. Anyway, there's this guy who works there...
A. 3 May 2012: You’re just speculating that this thing your friend wants to confide in you about has something to do with this man, you’ve absolutely no proof. The only thing you do know is that she turned him down. So if she’s a good friend, tell her about the ... (read in full...)
Ex wants someone who looks like me - is she still hung up on me?
Q. I signed up to an online dating agency and saw an ex of mine on there. We broke up 3 years ago but she had described me as her ideal date! Right down to body type, hair and eye colour, personality traits Do you think she might just have a type or ...
A. 3 May 2012: There’s no reason to think it’s not just a type preference. The question is, why do you want to know? If it’s curiosity only, I suspect it’s a question for which you’re not going to find the answer, and if it’s over between you it probably shouldn’t ... (read in full...)
I've liked him for 5 years, we live in different states and now he has a g/f. Give up?
Q. Ok, i fell in love with this guy 5 years ago and i still feel the same for him. But i moved to another state 5 years ago. We have been sending cute emails to each other over facebook, but now he has a girlfreind. But i dont feel bad for that i ...
A. 3 May 2012: I’m afraid that yes, you probably need to try and move on. A long distance relationship would be hard enough, but most importantly he has a girlfriend. You sound like you’ve already accepted that it might be time to move on, but I suppose it just ... (read in full...)
Would you learn a different language to be with someone?
Q. Here's the story. There's this girl that works with me. Before last week I never talked to her before. I would catch her looking at me from time to time. Always staring at me when she thought I wasn't looking. Most of the times I didn't know what to ...
A. 3 May 2012: Learning a new language is an amazing, and highly fulfilling experience. You’ll get to make new friends, learn about other cultures and ways of life, plus the professional advantages are numerous. You feel a real sense of achievement: there’s ... (read in full...)
Is it normal to be with someone 24/7?
Q. My sister is dating this guy and he moved in with her about 6 months ago. they have been together 13 months. they are getting married in 1 week. my problem is this: He goes everywhere with her. he doesnt work nor does she. she goes to school. but he ...
A. 2 May 2012: It doesn’t sound like a very healthy relationship. Does she want him with her all the time? Are you unhappy that they spend all their time together because, quite rightly, you think it’s important to have a bit of space and independence in a healthy ... (read in full...)
I'm not sure if my ex will ever understand why I broke up with him
Q. My boyfriend and I have been dating for 5 months. My parents are super strict and dont like that I'm dating him because he's not in school but I'm 19 and I like this kid alot. I want to be with him hut he's upset that I'm not telling my parents ...
A. 2 May 2012: There’s never any justification for verbally abusive behaviour, he shouldn’t try and excuse himself by blaming it on his anger about your issues with your parents. It’s a hard and difficult situation when you’re in conflict with your parents, he ... (read in full...)
How can people not think of pornography as cheating?
Q. I have something bothering me i've read and discussed this and people say that a boyfriend using porn is no different than him imagining someone in his head but I strongly disagree. Masturbating to porn is alot worse it is an actual picture but ...
A. 2 May 2012: There is indeed a big difference between a mental image, and the use of pornography. Cheating, or unfaithfulness, is behaviour that goes outside of the acceptable boundaries in your relationship. Some couples may accept pornography use, then aga... (read in full...)
Is it wrong that I love the smell of my girlfriend?
Q. My girlfriend and me don't really sleep together but every now and again we do get intimate. I have a real fetish of sniffing her knockers though. Is that wrong? She kind of knows I do it but it isn't talked about. I just love the smell of her......
A. 2 May 2012: If she doesn’t mind you sniffing her breasts, it’s fine. What you do and don’t do between yourselves is private, and a matter of choice. I’m not sure how common this is but if that’s what you enjoy, and she’s happy about it, fine!... (read in full...)
Do all men think about is how to get a girl into bed?
Q. I'm just wondering if all men's goal is to bed a female when they approach them? I feel kind of silly asking this because I know all men want something from the girls that they date... Many of the men that I've dated actually let me know that all ...
A. 2 May 2012: Are there not some women who only want, or think about sex? Yes. Not all women want the same thing, just as not all men do. Men may find it harder to express emotions and feelings but it doesn’t mean that when they seem to want companionship and ... (read in full...)
B/f has way too many lady friends and its making me jealous and insecure!
Q. before he got with me, my boyfriend was considered to be quite the ladies man. he had a number of girlfriends, and had more girls as friends than boys. he would often meet up with his girl mates, even when in relationships, and endlessly flirt with ...
A. 1 May 2012: He’s saying all the right things, that’s for sure. It sounds like you mean the world to him. But many people in this situation, I think, would have an issue with the way he’s behaving. There’s no proof of anything, but there’s a lot to be said for ... (read in full...)
I think he is using this Christian lady to make me believe he has changed. Surely only counselling with help him, not God?
Q. Master of malipulation or genuine guy who realises what he s lost? My ex and i parted about 6 mths ago,it was a hard relationship. We had children but it was never offical. He had committment issues. And had caused me hurt over the yrs with lies, ...
A. 1 May 2012: A religious conversion can be a profound, and yes, life-changing experience. A sense of God’s presence may well have helped him change his ways. Not everyone needs a counsellor! The question you need to ask yourself is, why are you bothered eit... (read in full...)
Boy swapping gone wrong?
Q. Ok, last night my best friend and our boyfriends were hanging out at my moms place. She and her boyfriend are out of town for the week. Anyway, we were partying pretty hard, having a lot of fun. We started playing truth or dare, long story short we ...
A. 1 May 2012: In response to your latest followup, you’re completely missing the important point here. What matters, if you’re serious about making things work with your boyfriend, isn’t what did or didn’t happen with your best friend. However many follow-ups you ... (read in full...)
I have a feeling she's not as in to me as she claims
Q. Okay, recently a close friend and I decided that because we each like each other so much, we'd try dating. The thing is, since our first date we don't talk nearly as much as we used to. I mean, since that day, it's been entirely me who initiates...
A. 1 May 2012: It does sound reassuring that she says she wants to be with you. Don’t forget that the nature of your relationship with her has changed now that you’re dating, she might be taking a little longer to get used to this change than you. How often are ... (read in full...)
Is it possible for my boyfriend and I to love each other but have no sexual chemistry?
Q. Is it possible for my bf and I to love each other but have no sexual chemistry? We have been dating for three months and we love each other very much. We have a healthy realtionship in every aspect except the bed. Its either he cant get an erecetio...
A. 1 May 2012: You’re asking a question that only you and your boyfriend can answer. Is it possible? Well that depends on whether you both want a relationship without sex. Reading your post, it seems as though the lack of sex is a problem and that what you’re ... (read in full...)
Why do married men look at other women?
Q. why do married men look at other women? I have a husband who does this and I'm so upset about it. I don't look at other men because I'm happily married with the man I'm with. He tells me I'm beautiful, sexy, bodacious, the whole nine yards, but ...
A. 1 May 2012: It’s a perfectly natural and normal thing for people to see other people and find some of them attractive. But surely there’s a world of difference between seeing somebody who happens to be attractive, and cheating? It sounds like you’re not ... (read in full...)
Had a fling with a married man on holiday and now I cant forget him! What should I do?
Q. I went on a holiday recently and there I found myself attracted to the driver of the car that was escorting us around. Things took a strange turn one evening. It was raining and we were alone by a river. It was bitterly cold and I was shivering. He ...
A. 1 May 2012: This has no future for one simple reason: he isn’t available. Remember that this started before you discovered he was married, and I’m sure that if he’s a cheat, he’ll cheat with some-one else anyway. What you’re really missing is fleeting ... (read in full...)
Thinking of leaving because he is chosing porn over sex with me, but I'm worried about hurting our daughter. What should I do?
Q. Can someone help me, I've been with my fiancée for 2 years and we have a beautiful daughter together. We've been planning to get hitched next month and now I don't want to. When we first met everything was brill we had an amazing sex life. From the ...
A. 1 May 2012: I think you’re not separating out your roles as parents, and as partners to each other. Many people would consider the use of pornography to be a form of cheating. Whatever term you might use, the reality is that he shows a total lack of regard for ... (read in full...)
I cant trust my bestfriend anymore, should I end our friendship?
Q. My bestfriend and I have been friends for about 7 years now.. I love her very much and I know that she loves me, but for the past year its been seeming like everything has become a competition with her. It drives me crazy because I feel like I can't ...
A. 30 April 2012: It does sound like she might be trying to compete with you, which isn’t bad in itself, but when she tries to put you down and behaves in the way you describe, she’s not really being a good friend. You sound confident, hard-working and intelligent.... (read in full...)
Does my boyfriend secretly want me pregnant?
Q. Hello Dearcupid, I think my boyfriend secretly wants me to get pregnant. He keeps asking me when my cycle is, and brought up how I threw up one morning. I'm on the pill, so my breasts have gotten bigger and he asked me if I thought it was because ...
A. 30 April 2012: This does sound strange, there’s no getting away from that.
It may be that he feels that this is the right time in his life to have a child, and it sounds like he’s pressuring you in to changing your mind. But that is something you mustn’t do: you ... (read in full...)
Mixed Messages
Q. So...as these questions always start, there is this guy...he is a couple of years older than me, and I think he fancies me as much as I fancy him, however I am just not sure. I am 21, have never had a boyfriend, let alone been on a date, and I ha...
A. 30 April 2012: Unfortunately a lot of the behaviour you describe is pretty non-specific so it’s not easy to say whether it’s flirting or just being friendly. It does sound as though he thinks a lot of you though, and enjoys your company. On that basis, why not ask ... (read in full...)
My Step mother puts me down all the time. It's upsetting me. How can I handle this?
Q. I know this isn't a relationship question but I don't know where else to turn. Over the years I've asked lots of questions to the site and the responses have always been very helpful and genuinely caring. Recently my step mom who has always been ...
A. 29 April 2012: How are you confronting her? Are you doing it immediately after she’s upset you, when you’re full of anger and frustration, or asking her for a quiet word to explain that her recent behaviour is upsetting you? If you’re trying to approach this ... (read in full...)
My ex wants to come clean about why he cheated on me,should I talk to him or let it go?
Q. my ex and I had a 4 year relationship that ended because he cheated on me. I cut off all communication after we broke up until he posted a long status on Facebook about our relationship, and how he made mistakes and his mistakes shouldn't be coun...
A. 29 April 2012: I understand that you might have unanswered questions and will want closure, but could he honestly say anything that will make his cheating justifiable? Are their reasons for cheating, or just excuses? Rather than give you the closure you seek, his ... (read in full...)
Does a lack of sex justify cheating in a committed relationship?
Q. Could the lack of sex in my relationship have caused my boyfriend to cheat? We were together for 2 years and we both live at home with our parents. We both come from very strict households which made it hard for us to have that "quality time" to...
A. 29 April 2012: What an utterly selfish boyfriend you have!
It’s disgraceful that he not only cheats (which is never justifiable), but that he tries to make you feel that it’s your fault. Of course living with family isn’t ideal for having quality time, but that... (read in full...)
Boy swapping gone wrong?
Q. Ok, last night my best friend and our boyfriends were hanging out at my moms place. She and her boyfriend are out of town for the week. Anyway, we were partying pretty hard, having a lot of fun. We started playing truth or dare, long story short we ...
A. 29 April 2012: Of course he won't accept an open relationship-do you think his reaction thusfar gives you any reasons to suspect that he would? No it does not! Suggest it to him if you like, but honestly if you do want an open relationship you'd better be prepared ... (read in full...)
Boy swapping gone wrong?
Q. Ok, last night my best friend and our boyfriends were hanging out at my moms place. She and her boyfriend are out of town for the week. Anyway, we were partying pretty hard, having a lot of fun. We started playing truth or dare, long story short we ...
A. 28 April 2012: What’s happened here is pretty simple to explain: something that seemed fun and exciting when everyone was drunk, is now making everyone feel very uncomfortable after sobering up. Your boyfriend has to accept that all 4 of you were responsible for ... (read in full...)
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