| Latest articles: I'm a thoroughly modern brand of old-fashioned
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12 August 2016: I was particularly amused by a recent comment about my views. I was described as living in “the 1950s,” which I found highly amusing. But when I’d had my chuckle, I got to thinking: what would it be like to be stuck in the 50s? How does the ...
I hate cheating, but not as much as a failure to forgive
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23 August 2015: IT’s been the story that hasn’t gone away all week. Ashley Madison sent journalists in to a spin trying to access the 9.7 gb of data leaked on to the internet, trying to find any public figures who may be embroiled in the scandal. Suspicious spouses ...
Childless by choice: please stop judging us
This question has 3 answers by readers of DearCupid.ORG.
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6 July 2015: This morning, as usual, I was perusing the questions on Dearcupid, when I stumbled across a question from a woman regarding her feelings about not wanting a child. Although I gave a comprehensive answer to the question, it touched a nerve with me, ...
On-line dating: my honest look
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12 January 2014: On-line dating: my honest look Those who read my column with any regularity will know there is considerable absence of references to my personal life. I am, for the most part, keen to concentrate on advising because, good advice is good no matte...
Revenge is sweet: A Greek tragedy that I think will make you think twice about that.
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9 March 2013: REVENGE IS SWEET: A Greek tragedy that I think will make you think twice about that. Revenge, they say, is sweet. Well British people have, if they have been following the news, witnessed a very public case in point to prove that the reverse can ...
Nollaig na mBan: A day for the ladies
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6 January 2013: Nollaig na mBan: A day for the ladies You may or may not know that in Ireland, the date of 6 January is known as Women’s Christmas (Nollaig na mBan). On this day, the tradition (still strong in parts of the country) is that men take responsibil...
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I've kissed over 50 guys on nights out and feel disgusted with myself!
Q. Ever since being in university I feel like i've lost my self respected, dignity and it makes me feel sick. I'm disappointed in myself for it... Basically, I keep kissing guys I meet on nights out! I've probably kissed just over 50 guys since being...
A. 28 May 2012: Your friends are right in that other students have done far more than you, but that’s not important. What’s important is how you feel about what you’re doing, and if you do feel shame about it, you should stop. But how? Well, don’t initiate kissing ... (read in full...)
He is 'liking' other girls statuses on Facebook, is he looking to trade me in for someone else?
Q. Both me and my partner are on Facebook and before we got together he would always like my statuses and some of my pictures and he also did this to a previous girl he dated. We have been going through a bit of a bad patch and I have noticed he does ...
A. 28 May 2012: By “liking,” we mean that he clicked a button on a computer screen, something people do all the time without any intension of dating the person whose status they have liked. When will people learn that Facebook is not the real world: it’s a web ... (read in full...)
Does he still care about me? Or should I just move on?
Q. Hi, So long story here, I met a man almost a year ago, well a bartender. Looking for an excuse to talk to him I went outside to borrow his lighter and we got chatting we used to sit and talk for hours while he was working and he would walk me ho...
A. 24 May 2012: Put your cards on the table, tell him that you still want to carry on seeing him, regardless of age gap or the fact that he lives some-where else. Ask him whether he wants the same and see what he says. Doing this will show you where you stand, ... (read in full...)
My fiance has x rated photos of his ex on his computer. He promised to delete them but never has!
Q. I am engaged to a man that I love very much and on a day-to day basis treats me very well. About 6 months ago, I was updating and "weeding" out some computer files, when I discovered that he was had hundreds of photos of his ex wife. I think it ...
A. 24 May 2012: I think he needs to be told by you, that his constant lying about this threatens the trust in your relationship. You’re already wondering if this is only the tip of the iceberg, because he seems to be able to lie with such ease about this. Tell him ... (read in full...)
Am I jealous or insecure?
Q. Am I jealous or insecure. I was visiting my bf. As I was busy preparing breakfast, my sixth senses told me to look outside of the window as I was watching I saw my bf passing something to this woman. When he came inside the house I asked him what ...
A. 24 May 2012: I’m slightly confused. You only saw him pass something to a woman as you looked out of the window, which he says was food he bought for her. Why would he lie about that? It’s not like you’ve found any evidence of cheating, evidence that there’s ... (read in full...)
I don't want my girlfriend's gay friend at my house and she doesn't respect my wishes
Q. My girlfriend has this lesbian couple as her friends. I have met them, spent time with them and i quite like them. This Sunday, she wants to take all of us out for breakfast, me, the couple and a male gay friend i have never met, but she talks about ...
A. 24 May 2012: You’re not showing her much respect either though: she values her friendship with this gay man, yet you expect her to exclude him and no-one else from entering your house when you’ve arranged an event for everyone at which you can have your friend ... (read in full...)
I found out I got clamydia and my new b/f thinks I cheated but I got it from my cheating ex!
Q. hello everyone ... 5 months ago my boyfriend of 2 years and i broke up ... about a month and half ago i started dating someone new .. well the problem is i just had a check up and i was told that i have clamydia ... i must of caught it from m...
A. 24 May 2012: Ultimately, you need to put him on the spot and ask him whether he trusts you or not. Chlamydia often shows no symptoms, and therefore you can have it for a long time without realising it. You could have got it from any sexual partner, even him, if ... (read in full...)
Why is it ok to be a virgin at 18?
Q. If I'm a virgin at 18, why do people say it's okay? I know for a fact that all those numbers people come up with about how many people lie about having sex is complete crap. There are more people around me who either have kids that are 2 or 3, or ...
A. 23 May 2012: If there’s any such thing as being sexually successful, it’s not about how early on in life you had sex, or how many partners. People might tell you to be proud of being a virgin because it shows that you’ve not had sex until you’re ready, but ... (read in full...)
Why can't I get my wife pregnant?
Q. I've been married to my wife for over a year now, but I failling to impregnant her, it seems I'm the one with the problem because she never misses her periods. Is it normal? Its now disturbing me. Pliz help. ...
A. 22 May 2012: In reality, there’s very little to advise you about hear. You cannot tell just by yourselves whether the problem is with you, her, or if indeed there is a problem at all. You will need to seek medical advice to find out what’s going on and get the ... (read in full...)
Do I explain to my ex why I deleted him from my facebook?
Q. This is a long story, I will try to condense it... Split with my ex in December. We were together almost 4 years. In that time we were long distance 50% of the time due to me being in Uni. I visited him every holiday. He visited me once, begrudgi...
A. 22 May 2012: Deleting him was the right thing to do. Presumably he knows why you split up in the first place, so explaining why you deleted him would just be going back over old news. I suggest telling him that it’s over between you and that you would like to go ... (read in full...)
How do I turn my FWB relationship into a real relationship?
Q. i have a fuck buddy who i have been shagging for a year, we started seeing each other few years ago then he said i dont want a relationship. we have mutual friends that do not know we are fb weve have known each other 9yrs and always ask our mutual ...
A. 22 May 2012: You don’t, I’m afraid. This man has been completely honest with you about the fact that he doesn’t want a relationship with you. You can’t make some-one feel differently, and his mind sounds like it’s made up. You made the classic mistake of getting ... (read in full...)
Is it me? Are my expectations on how life should be realistic?
Q. I'm looking for advice on really what is acceptable Or is me? Are my expectation on what life must be like how it is realistic? My belief is that a person must not have more than one partner. Sometimes I feel like I'm different, or there's somethin...
A. 21 May 2012: Despite how things seem sometimes, I do think most people believe in monogamy and being faithful to your partner. If, however, you mean one partner for life, I do think that as an idea has declined in popularity. Maybe it’s still an ideal for many ... (read in full...)
I have this urge to kiss him! Do I make a move or not?
Q. Hi everyone I am hoping you can help me figure out what to do here with this little, er, problem. So i have this male friend and we're very close. The only problem is lately i have this urge to kiss him. I haven't done anything about it b...
A. 16 May 2012: You have an urge to kiss him. But is that it? Do you just find him attractive, or do you actually think you’d like to date this guy? Do you think you could actually make it work if you tried dating? If yes, isn’t it worth giving it a shot? Would the ... (read in full...)
Have I made the right decision to leave my cheating husband?
Q. I have been married for 6 yrs and for the rest of the six yrs my husband has never be faithful. He had atleast 7 affairs just in one yr - dont ask me how he does it but yrs to an extend he was dating 4 other women at a go. He has never just once sho...
A. 16 May 2012: You’ve done the right thing, he’s treated you appallingly and shown no remorse for it. You can’t stay in a marriage for the sake of children, it’ll make you so unhappy and they will pick up on it. Don’t confuse his roles as husband and father. Try ... (read in full...)
He liked a status on facebook saying "I love having no commitments to anyone". Does this mean my boyfriend isnt serious about our relationship?
Q. Just a quick question- I have a boyfriend, we have been going out for about 4 months and for the most part, everything is great. We're always spending time together, spending the night together and spending time with each others families, seeing ...
A. 14 May 2012: What you describe is a very committed man, whose actions suggest that he has no commitment issues whatsoever. There could be all kinds of reasons why he liked this person’s comment: maybe that friend had just emerged from a difficult relationship, ... (read in full...)
I have a thing for my boyfriends brother!?
Q. I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years now and we love each other to pieces. However, lately I've been fantasizing about his brother and wondering what it would be like to go out with him. Now I've heard this can be quite common as brothers can ...
A. 14 May 2012: It’s easy to get in to a pattern of wondering whether the grass might indeed be greener on the other side. It probably won’t be though, especially with some-one you describe as “repulsing.” Relationships do have a tendency to feel routine after a ... (read in full...)
My friend says he dreamed he kissed me. What does that mean?
Q. I have been loving a guy for a few years now ( at least 2), he's one of my closest friends and he identifies as straight.. He flirts and stuff but he never says that he is even curious about guys. Well we was talking the other night on the phone, I ...
A. 14 May 2012: There’s always a danger of reading too much in to dreams. True, some people say that it’s all to do with your subconscious. Then again, sometimes people dream such random things that it’s hard to believe that there’s any connection with their su... (read in full...)
Should I give it another go with him or just end things?
Q. Ive been seeing someone for over 3 months now. At the beggining everything was great and couldn't be happier. Recently his ex girlfriend who he has a baby with has been getting involved. Threatening me and saying she will always get him back because ...
A. 14 May 2012: Ringing you to tell you he’s back with his ex, spending time alone with females that he knows like him, not bothering to turn up to sort things out with some-one he’s supposed to love, and you describing whatever reason he’ll come up with as an ... (read in full...)
I managed to convince a guy I fancy that I'm easy but now I need the skills to back it up
Q. I moved about 9 months ago and there's this guy "Sam" back home. My friend and I tricked him into thinking I'm a slut and he likes me better now. I told him when I get home I'd make out with him and give him a hand job. The thing is, I HAVE NO IDEA ...
A. 14 May 2012: As ideas go, this has to be one of the most ridiculous ideas I’ve ever heard. By being dishonest with this guy about the kind of person you are, you’ve made him like some-one that isn’t really you. This is not the way to go about getting a man, you ... (read in full...)
Did I annoy him by not letting things go further?
Q. Me and my boyfriend have been dating for 2 months and whenever we make out we grind and lately hes been touchin my chest and ive touched him but through his pants or underware. Yesturday he tried to slide my hand down and i didnt know if he had his ...
A. 13 May 2012: He has no right to be annoyed, you take things at a pace both partners are comfortable with. Having said that, there’s no evidence to suggest that he was, he might have just been enjoying the company of other family members, but you believed he was ... (read in full...)
Do you have to just take the plunge at some point if you're really nervous?
Q. Okay. My boyfriend and I have been together for six months now, he's nineteen and I'm eighteen. After A-levels are over we'll be going up to London to watch a bit of Wimbledon and we'll be sharing a room and we've planned to have sex together for ...
A. 13 May 2012: This is a big moment, it’s okay to be nervous. I wouldn’t mind betting that those people who seem so confident were nervous on their first occasion, regardless of whether they’d admit it or not. You’re nervous because this means a lot to you, it’s ... (read in full...)
Cheated on my husband with an old boyfriend, how do I cope now?
Q. i have lovely husband but last month i met my boy friend after 25 years and i and slept with him, now i am feeling very much guilty, please tell me how do i cope now....
A. 13 May 2012: Firstly, break off contact with the ex boyfriend. Secondly, figure out why you cheated. Was it just nostalgia for the past, or are there problems in your marriage you were looking to escape? Cheating and meeting up with exes aren’t the answers. ... (read in full...)
My mother is losing her mind!
Q. My mother is losing her mind, literally. Last night when I went to work, she was sitting on the sofa, just staring at a blank space on the wall. I asked her if she was okay. She said she was. I then left. Eleven hours later, I'm back home and she's ...
A. 13 May 2012: This is a horrible situation. If you feel that her behaviour is getting more worrying and that she is generally getting worse, you should seek advice from your doctor. Delusions like this can be indicative of quite a few different health complaints, ... (read in full...)
Is being the 'instigator' of a breakup just as hard as being broken up with??
Q. Im feeling so utterly terrible after ending a 3 year relationship that im beginning to wonder if being the one ending it is just as hard as being the one who has been broken up with. Not only do i have to wonder how my ex is feeling, coping etc i ...
A. 13 May 2012: It is a sad fact that some people cannot understand that being the one to instigate a breakup doesn’t make you hard, cruel, ruthless and uncaring. People leave relationships for all kinds of reasons. You feel upset because you are a good person, ... (read in full...)
Would you date me?
Q. I am not the most picture perfect teenage girl in the world and I feel really insecure because of it. My stomach is not flat and I don't have a gap between my thighs like most girls these days and I don't have a bald weird looking 'area'. Although, ...
A. 13 May 2012: There is no one look that guys go for, just as there’s no single look that all girls go for. What’s more, most people feel insecure about some aspect of how they look, and it bothers them a lot more than it bothers anyone else. There is no reason ... (read in full...)
Erection when hugging/kissing my girlfriend
Q. So my girlfriend and I have been dating for almost 4 months now, and the last couple times we've taken the time to say goodbye on her front porch before I leave her house we've spend a lot of time hugging and kissing goodbye and even just talking ...
A. 13 May 2012: It’s perfectly natural, because you find her attractive. It’s not something you can control, but it doesn’t actually matter. She won’t judge you on the basis of male biology, but based on how you behave. If you’re dating then she’ll already know you ... (read in full...)
Pregnancy obsession on my DAUGHTER - NOOOOO!!!!
Q. I caught my boyfriend of 5.5 yrs (really a part of my family), surprised him at his house(where I never go) jacking off to recent pictures of my newly pregnant daughter. He had gone into my computer and copied pictures that she had sent to ME of her ...
A. 13 May 2012: You don’t actually seem to be asking a question here but if you want to know whether you did the right thing or not, yes, you most certainly did! Not only were his actions totally unacceptable but he seems to have been totally unrepentant when you ... (read in full...)
My partner left his wife to be with me so I got what I wanted in the end, but I cant stop feeling horrible about what we did....
Q. I worked as a nanny for a family with a infant son for the past 2 1/2 years. "Lisa" the mom was a workaholic who loved her social life when she wasnt working, "Rick" the father was very good looking and he knew it and would playfully flirt with ...
A. 11 May 2012: Firstly, I will begin by making it clear that I do not condone the affair: it was wrong! However, you do show that you are aware of this and did the right thing by breaking it off, but by then you’d already developed strong feelings for him. A man ... (read in full...)
Why did my ex go above and beyond to get my attention and then just hours later shove it in my face that he's seeing someone else?
Q. So I had to work with my ex on a project. We weren't on the best of terms before this project, but we were really nice to each other. But from his end, it was more than just being amicable. He went out of his way to be around me and talk to me as ...
A. 11 May 2012: It’s questionable whether he actually was trying to get your attention, or you just thought he was. He might have just been a bit insensitive flaunting his new girlfriend, but doing so more because he’s happy than because he wanted to hurt you. But ... (read in full...)
Should I take a step further with this guy?
Q. I've been dating a guy for over a month and I really like him, I believe he reciprocates and feel very with him. The other day I was talking over the phone with him and something funny happend. We're Spanish, and there is a smaller level of saying I ...
A. 10 May 2012: You really can’t tell from this conversation what he thought you said. It’s possible that he misheard you, however the difference in pronunciation is quite clear. If, for some reason, you’d said “te quieres” then he might have misunderstood, but ... (read in full...)
I love this guy, but I can't be dragged along by him
Q. Okay, so me and my ex-boyfriend just recently started talking again. He wanted me to come over to his house after class. I knew what may happen if I went, but I went anyways. He not only picked me up from my class, but he made dinner. We ate, ...
A. 10 May 2012: The reason why your post is confusing is because his signals are very mixed indeed, he seems to be blowing hot and cold. What’s for sure is that just being friends is probably going to be difficult, you went to his place last time and almost ended ... (read in full...)
Is it true, what my doctor says, that erectile dysfunction is just a part of ageing, and is not a result of any medical problem?
Q. Do you think is this true, what my doctor says, the erectile dysfunction is just a part of aging, and its not a result of any medical problem? I have very sever erectile dysfunction, and a total lack of desire. He checked everything , did go to ...
A. 9 May 2012: It can have many causes, which makes identifying the problem somewhat akin to searching for a needle in a haystack. However it does sound like your doctor has been rigorous in ruling out medical conditions such as diabetes, or vascular disease. It ... (read in full...)
What can I do to save my relationship?
Q. I have been with my boyfriend for 6 years and we have three beautiful children together. Over the years we've had ups and downs like most couples but recently its been getting worse. I have gained wait since the birth of our last child who is about ...
A. 9 May 2012: Cheese is good for you, it is a great source of protein and calcium. It does also contain fat though, so moderation is the order of the day, eating cheese is fine, just not in large quantities. But definitely don’t stop eating cheese because you’d ... (read in full...)
I'm concerned over boyfriend's behavior when he knew I was grieving
Q. Dear all, Last week I returned home and dicovered my beloved cat had died in his sleep. I was heartbroken and still am but was also upset was my boyfriends reaction. I texted him to let him know and all he replied was I'm sorry hope you're ok. ...
A. 8 May 2012: The loss of a much-loved pet can be devastating. Sometimes it’s hard for people who aren’t really so keen on animals to understand just how painful it is, it’s a terrible bereavement there’s no doubt about it.
You are probably being a bit unfair t... (read in full...)
What can I do to save my relationship?
Q. I have been with my boyfriend for 6 years and we have three beautiful children together. Over the years we've had ups and downs like most couples but recently its been getting worse. I have gained wait since the birth of our last child who is about ...
A. 8 May 2012: Are you actually overweight? However you might feel about your weight, if you don’t have anything to lose it’s not just going to fall off. Ask any dieter: if you make a big change to your lifestyle and you are very overweight, you’ll lose weight ... (read in full...)
Is she not telling me she's dating because she still likes me?
Q. In 2009 I met this girl whose boyfriend lived in Korea for about 6 months, during that time her and I got extremely close. She ended up having an extremely nasty breakup with her before 2011 and we started talking again and we hooked up immedi...
A. 8 May 2012: I don’t know why she came to the restaurant. Maybe she did want to see you, maybe she just likes that restaurant, maybe she didn’t think you’d be there, or maybe she wasn’t concerned either way. Whatever the reason, I don’t think my advice to you ... (read in full...)
Should I give him an ultimatum or wait for his divorce?
Q. I am in my mid 50's. My partner and I have been dating for over two years. He lives an hour from me and has joint custody of his 17 yr old daughter. We both have our own businesses so are happy not to live together at this stage. His wife is an ...
A. 7 May 2012: Only you can really answer this question, for how long would you be prepared to wait for him to divorce her? If you really can’t get past the current situation then you’ve got little choice but to issue him with an ultimatum, not that it’s likely to ... (read in full...)
Can I repair this Damaged Friendship and this Loss? would flowers help?
Q. I have had a female friend for few years, over the time we had gotten closer to each other We would go out for the day every Thursday and take her Daughter with us to the Aquarium, Zoo or even the park. I am totally in love with this girl, but sh...
A. 7 May 2012: No, buying something, flowers or otherwise, isn’t the way to fix this. You do seem to accept that you have indeed, behaved as though you were in a relationship with this lady, and you’ve acted like a very jealous boyfriend indeed. I can’t help ... (read in full...)
Bf broke up with me and I think it's all my fault!
Q. Hey everyone, My bf of almost 3 years broke up with me yesterday. I feel it was mostly out of the blue. I'll give you some background info. We have been dating wife we were 18 and pretty much straight away starting see eachother everday. One nigh...
A. 7 May 2012: It sounds like he has made up his mind that he does not want to be in the relationship. It might seem out of the blue for you but he has probably been building up to this for a long time, but unfortunately he didn’t let you in on how he was feeling. ... (read in full...)
If a man is in a committed relationship, why would he take a ladies number?
Q. If a man is in a long-term committed relationship, and goes out to a bar with his friends, if he chats with a lady and she gives him her phone number, shouldn't he say "no thanks, I have a girlfriend" instead of putting the number in his pocket? ...
A. 6 May 2012: He might have just taken the number to avoid an awkward situation, but it’s worth asking him why it was in his pocket, and why, if he took it to avoid embarrassment, did he not throw it away? It’s worth asking him, see what he says. There may well ... (read in full...)
Is it ok for a couple to be Bisexual?
Q. Hi im 29 and my girlfriend is 22 not long ago we both opened up while watching porn together and said we like same sex no matter if its 2 chicks, 2 males or 2 transvestites we just love it. We both really love each other and want to spend the rest ...
A. 6 May 2012: You ask is it okay to be bisexual in a relationship, yes! But that’s probably not the important question to be asking. Bisexual means, as you know, that you are attracted to people of both sexes. It does not mean, though, that you cannot be ... (read in full...)
Is she not telling me she's dating because she still likes me?
Q. In 2009 I met this girl whose boyfriend lived in Korea for about 6 months, during that time her and I got extremely close. She ended up having an extremely nasty breakup with her before 2011 and we started talking again and we hooked up immedi...
A. 6 May 2012: It sounds like you both substituted a new relationship for dealing properly with your past, and rebound relationships are not based on a secure footing at all. She probably didn’t tell you about dating some-one else because you cut off contact. She ... (read in full...)
What can I do to save my relationship?
Q. I have been with my boyfriend for 6 years and we have three beautiful children together. Over the years we've had ups and downs like most couples but recently its been getting worse. I have gained wait since the birth of our last child who is about ...
A. 5 May 2012: You won’t fix this relationship if it’s all one-way, you making all the changes whilst nothing changes for him. You’ve taken the first important step already, which is to identify what the problems actually are. So many people fail to break all ... (read in full...)
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