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female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have something bothering me i've read and discussed this and people say that a boyfriend using porn is no different than him imagining someone in his head but I strongly disagree. Masturbating to porn is alot worse it is an actual picture but when you use your mind you have made up those thoughts. I don't undrrstand how people don't consider having an orgasm over someone else cheating. Also I can't look at pictures of naked men without thinking of my boyfriend, yet he can look at porn and not be reminded of me, all I can think is this is because he finds them more attractive than me. I also think getting off on the actions isn't as bad as getting off on the physique. What are people's thoughts on the above?
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male
reader, Serpico  +, writes (10 May 2012):
Pornography is no more cheating than reading a romance novel is cheating. If someone has an addiction, that is indicative of a problem, but its still not cheating.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2012): I'll answer your question. Many dont feel its cheating because we are secure in our relationships enough that some image on a screen isnt going to make us seek the real thing. It's fantasy. Nothing more. It is healthy to stimulate the mind using fantasy, ficritious situations or images of others. How is it different than reading a book? Because the subject matter involves sex? If thata the differemce, I'd have to question your perception of sexuality. My fiancee and I both enjoy porn on occasion and I'm glad we accept it as part of a healthy relationahip.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2012): hell some 20-30 years ago watching/reading porn was considered almost a crime or at least a perversion. it is a subjective perception influenced by your cultural/religious background.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (9 May 2012):
 Your question is destined to remain answerless. In fact, for tons of people the answer would be " And how CAN possibly people think of pornography as cheating ? It's like apples and oranges".
It's a matter of points of view and rather than tryng and change other people's minds, I'd follow the path of least resistence. I'd make sure to only date non porn-watching guys ( there are , not zillions maybe, but there are ).
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female
reader, deirdre  +, writes (9 May 2012):
people can say I am a prude or whatever but to me porn is cheating. the one watching is imagining having sex with these people and is longing for them, therefore in my mind it is cheating and I would be/have been deeply hurt to discover a boyfriend watches it.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2012): Porn may, or may not, be cheating, however it is still destructive. It can lead to cheating with someone. It also fosters unrealistic expectations for looks and performance.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2012): Somebody else is stimulating your orgasm it's no different to cheating
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male
reader, JustHelpinAgain  +, writes (3 May 2012):
There's good porn and there is bad porn, personally I find the good porn ok and so does my wife. A few of my exes masturbated to erotic novels and I am fairly sure they weren't thinking of me at the time. I am pretty sure you have no idea what your bf thinks whilst masturbating, he will tell you what he thinks you want to hear. I often use porn and usually do think of my wife even if it is her 20 years ago!
Get over your insecurities, and as said, go over the massive debate that already exists.
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female
reader, 1sunshine +, writes (3 May 2012):
 Nahh... him watching porn isn't cheating. It's his way of "releasing" when he is tired from a long day at work and doesn't have the strength.
I'm not thrilled that my bf watches it but... it makes him happy. He satisfies me in bed so thats all that matters to me when it comes down to it. I also know that he tries some pretty cool and kinky things that I totally believe he learned from watching porn. :D
If your boyfriend is a great guy and loves you ? I think it's time for you to put on your big girl panties and chill out about it. ;)
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2012): I don't really mind about my bf using porn but I kind of understand what you think and feel. You feel betrayed and unfair because you don't feel turned on by the men there, yet your bf gets turned on by other women, it is that difference that makes you feel unfair and hurt. Personally I don't watch porn myself, and I don't really fantasize people that I know or do not know (like celebs). I do masturbate, but usually to dirty scenarios I create in my mind, and those usually include people without faces, just the action/story itself can get me off. I don't know why, it's weird. Maybe you can consider porn as just a "method" to get off. Sometimes it also worries me that my bf might fantasize about people that he works with or people that he sees on a daily basis, but there's really nothing I can do, as I cannot control what he thinks. My conclusion is, it's because my inability to fantasize about other men (real men) makes it extremely hard to accept my partner doing it (I guess you are the same) because he and I aren't the same! So, like what everyone else says here, it's better to find someone that thinks similar like you, although I must agree that it's pretty hard since I know a lot of people, both men and women, use porn or fantasize other people when they masturbate.I also believe that... because you would only desire a person sexually that you have emotionally attached yourself to, and this person must have a special place in your heart, and this is your belief. So when your bf uses porn or fantasizes about other women, you are puzzled why your bf can have so many "special places" in his heart for all these ladies, but chances are your bf just sees them as sexual objects, but not emotionally attached to them.Another thing is, you want your bf's sexual drive entirely belongs to you, just like how you would to him, because you are the type of person who would only feel sexually attracted to someone you love, you feel hurt and unfair, am I right? Some of the people don't feel that way, because they are the ones who can get off on other people, so it makes them think it is ok for their gf/bf to do that. But the thing is, you are not that type of person! The people who use porn or are able to get off fantasizing others because they don't understand why it is such a big issue to you. Of course, they are trying to help you understand the differences, but they won't understand the pain.We often get angry when others have different preferences, beliefs, opinions, and thinking from ours, because we don't understand WHY, and it offends and violates our standards. No matter what people here tell you, it's hard for you to change how you feel about this, I'm actually quite tired of how people keep giving a "get over it" attitude when they think you are the abnormal one. Trust me, it hurts and it is harder for you to accept this reality. If you don't feel comfortable then you don't, there's really no right or wrong.
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female
reader, straight to the truth +, writes (2 May 2012):
I am female and i have to admit it has never bothered me that my bloke watches porn occassionally. The only time it would bother me is if it actually affected our sex life. Watching porn is not cheating, he only watches it if i am not in the mood or "out of action" and to be honest if that is the case I would rather he dealt with himself than bother me lol. He is not taking these woman out, not talking to them, not touching them, doesn't know their names. it is simply a picture on a screen or in a magazine and it helps men to climax quicker than simply imagining a woman. And lets be honest if a bloke is masterbating for ages the poor fella will get soar where as a picture of some random woman would make it quicker for him lol.To be honest i would be more bothered by him getting his jolies over a woman he is imagining because there is alot more chance of it being someone he knows and that is a complete no no.whats so wrong with porn, there is never any form of communication and it is a sexual aid. It would be impossible to find a man who doesn't use porn and if he says he doesn't then you know you have a liar lol which is worse
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male
reader, The Realist +, writes (2 May 2012):
 My thoughts on this is that it has been beaten to death and the simple response is there is no answer to your question. You have to stick to what you believe. If your partner does not hold the same values then either you find compromise or the relationship ends just like any other issue.
You just can't set it in stone about what to consider porn because just like religion it is a persons choice and everyone else must then act around that choice in what makes them happy.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2012): I think the exact same way as you do! Getting off to another person is wrong, and that if your imagining it, it's completely different and OK. Unfortunately, men have a MILLION excuses for why they NEED porn, such as; "men are visual creatures," "would you rather him look at porn or cheat," or even better "it's just what men do." Somehow, most guys are completely OK with their significant others getting off to porn, but if you've ever looked at it, ALL THE MEN ARE UNATTRACTIVE! (Of course this is done so that men can imagine themselves as the dude in the porn). Women are left comparing themselves to every sexy porn star, ad, billboard, magazine, etc, become sensitive and insecure, while men don't have it as bad, so they don't feel the need to compare themselves. (maybe in penis size every once in a while ;) I know it's difficult, but even if you ask him not to, he most likely will start doing it behind your back, or maybe not as often, because in his mind he's doing nothing wrong. It's all about how you handle it from here, it's too late to reverse the porn crazed madness, or all the naked women the internet has to offer.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2012): Honestly.. if you feel this way it is ok. Are you ready to give it to him everytime?
Also.. if he is not allowed to look at any other women.. the only way to make it fair is if you NEVER admire a guy in a romance movie. Also, you can't look at action movie star with a great body and get turned on.. if you do, you're cheating.
See how restrictive it is now?
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male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (2 May 2012):
 I already feel like smashing my face on the keyboard.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (2 May 2012):
 IF it bothers you then you do need to find a partner that agrees with your views on it.
You think he doesn't think of you how do you know this do you ask him?
You think he finds them MORE attractive than you... again how do you know this have you ASKED him? He may not... he may find them DIFFERENTLY attractive... it may not be the porn star at all but the action involved.
IF you don't ask you don't know.
but again.. you are allowed to FEEL anything you want and believe what you want. Folks are allowed to disagre with you... but accept that you will have to find a partner that agrees with you in order to avoid conflict over this topic.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2012): uhm..i am a girl who watches porn , and i know many others who do. me and my boyfriend watch it together sometimes..
first of all i don't think people imagine having sex with those in porn. it is just the porn /act which makes them get excited. unlike sex, masturbation is different. its related to imagination which gets you off.
when you watch a movie/ read a book..you look at them as characters and feel involved in the story. horror movies make you scared, that doesn't mean that you are imagining YOURSELF in the place of that person.you're just being a viewer. 3rd party watching it and getting scared.
similarly, no one imagines doing what people in the porn do..they just see what they are doing and get excited..and masturbate!
watching porn does not involve imagination as you think.
take this logic: if he could imagine and get off then why would he watch porn?
and nor is he admiring their physique..he's just getting himself excited with some dirt.. porn gives a different effect as compared to real sex with your partner.
porn is void of any connection at an emotional/physical level
getting yourself excited with dirt is different from wanting to have sex.
he's not wanting any of those girls in porn.
you watch horror movies doesn't mean you're imagining the ghost chasing you...you're imagining the ghost chasing the character and getting freaked out.try to get my point.i'm just trying to cure you of the illusion you're having about people watching porn.
he most certainly loves you, and only thinks of you for sex.but he probably cannot think of you in a dirty way.so he's getting off on someone else being dirty.and as the other aunt said..porn involves both men and women in it..
don't you feel romantic and lovey dovey when lovers kiss/make out in movies?
does that mean you're imagining yourself in love with the actor???or if you cry at someone breaking up in a movie does that mean you're imagining that you broke up?
eg.in titanic, if you cried, obviously you cried because jack drowned leaving rose alone...not because jack drowned leaving YOU alone...get it??
i hope you did :)
good luck ..and stop psyching out.
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female
reader, person12345 +, writes (2 May 2012):
 I wrote an article on this last year, I would advise you read over its 97 comments before engaging in this long debate.http://www.dearcupid.org/question/is-pornography-cheating.htmlAround 25% of women feel the same as you, around 60% of women don't want porn in their relationships but don't necessarily feel it's cheating. Approximately 25-30% of men don't use pornography.
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (2 May 2012):
 It's okay to think of porn as cheating if you want. You have as much of a right to think that way as anyone does choosing to wait to have sex until marriage. If you find a guy whose beliefs are compatible with yours, then you have a match.
That's just it. This isn't about trying to convince people who don't share your view on porn that you're right. This is about compatibility. There are people who decide to open their marriage, so for them, extramarital sex isn't cheating. Others believe that a woman dressing too provocatively *is* cheating, as evidenced by religions that require a specific dress code for women. Where's the line drawn?
I would conclude that all lines are correct if agreed upon. In order for you, OP, to be happy in a relationship, you must find a guy whose lines are similar and compatible with yours. I have seen guys on here who utterly refuse porn, and I've seen girls who were more into porn than their boyfriends.
Unfortunately for you, you are in an intellectual and sexual minority, but there are those out there. Good luck in finding one.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2012): "should try and remember a question about pornography is NOT a personal attack on their morals or values. It is only an innocent question needing a civil answer"
That's ironic seeing as you didn't even attempt to answer the question but merely used this site that's supposed to help people criticize other posters.
"So try not to take the comments of a few jaded, older folk with compassion fatigue too much to heart"
Oh and I guess that's not a personal attack at all. Nor is calling labelling people into a nice little bundle like the "pro-porn brigade"
You're just being petty and you didn't even try to help the OP at all. You just decided to put down every other aunt without even actually pointing out any things in our replies that you disagree with.
Bravo female anon, you did all the things to the other posters here that you warned the OP against. You're hilarious.
OP for the record there is nothing wrong with how you feel, but if you think looking at other women is cheating then you're going to find very few guys who don't do that and porn isn't anything worse than that just because it's two people having sex. Try turning on HBO and you'll see sex too, doesn't matter that it's fake it's actually far more hot that way. Sex is everywhere and we guys and girls aren't blind to that. We can just as easily have a wank watching sex and the city or game of thrones, and believe me those actresses are far more beautiful than any porn star because they're all natural, real women.
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reader, Capri2  +, writes (2 May 2012):
Every person places the limit, for what is cheating and what is not, in a different point. In your case, you have your opinion and that's what you should stick to. You have to let your partner know about this, so he can decide whether he would be in a relationship with you.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2012): My thoughts are that you should just find a partner that doesnt need porn and they DO exist no matter what the pro porn brigade try and tell you. And try not to pay too much attention to the bashing you are about to receive on this site for saying you dont like pornography! Some `aunts` and `uncles` here can be scathingly harsh and critical, forgetting they are replying to young and relatively innocent posters at times. So try not to take the comments of a few jaded, older folk with compassion fatigue too much to heart. A site for peoples relationship problems should not be used as a platform to promote pornography..in my humble opinion. And I think some `aunts` and `uncles` here, should try and remember a question about pornography is NOT a personal attack on their morals or values. It is only an innocent question needing a civil answer.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2012): I don't know, they are still physically looking at someone with no clothes on though. These aren't sex acts it was just photographs of women on their own. He isn't into the barbie doll look. He claims when he is happy in the morning he looks at women who look like me and looks at the sex videos to remind him of the night before that doesn't bother me I think it's complimentary.
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (2 May 2012):
 " I don't undrrstand how people don't consider having an orgasm over someone else cheating."
Then all forms of masturbation is cheating and your partner has ultimate control over your orgasm. I don't see how you can view that as anything but pretty heavy S&M. In S&M the Master is in control over S's orgasm and whether S is allowed to touch themselves or not, have an orgasm or not, and what they are allowed to be pleasured by etc. It is about ultimate control over the other person. But it is, and make no mistake about it, a way of CONTROL over a person.
A lack of this control does NOT equal cheating. Maybe regular relationships aren't for you, and you should look into being a dominatrix? I'm serious. You do not own a persons body or mind just because you are in a relationship with them, but if you feel that you are supposed to have this right over another person them a S&M relationship sounds more suitable for you.
At the end of the day, you need to accept that not all people think like you do. It's not harder for you to think of this as cheating than it is for the majority to not think of it as cheating. It's personal tastes and opinions. You have have your opinion, but you need to keep it to yourself and between you and your partner, and not point fingers and judge how others lead their lives or carry out their relationships. It is, quite frankly, none of your business if other people choose to view porn in THEIR relationships.
So to sum it up: My thoughts on this is that you need to remind yourself that your opinion is YOUR opinion, and that you do not have a right to dictate how others should think or feel.
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reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (2 May 2012):
There is indeed a big difference between a mental image, and the use of pornography.Cheating, or unfaithfulness, is behaviour that goes outside of the acceptable boundaries in your relationship. Some couples may accept pornography use, then again some couples have open relationships where you are allowed to have other sexual partners, but a lot of people would be unhappy about their partner either using porn, or having a sexual relationship with some-one else. They’d consider it cheating. Tell your man that you consider the use of pornography to be cheating. That’s a perfectly reasonable stance to take, and he ought to respect it. If he doesn’t, and refuses to seek help if he has an addiction to porn, he’s then wilfully and knowingly cheating.I wish you all the very best.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2012): "using porn is no different than him imagining someone in his head but I strongly disagree."
"I don't undrrstand how people don't consider having an orgasm over someone else cheating."
You just contradicted yourself there OP. You really think it's less bad that he's imagining having sex with your sister than some random porn star he doesn't even care about? Fair enough then OP. If it's not porn, it'll be your sister or that really cute girl he works with who wears short skirts and he's imagined bending her over her desk at work.
"all I can think is this is because he finds them more attractive than me."
That's not true at all, women in porn are about as attractive as a plastic doll, they're fake it's just the sexual act that's appealing and unless he's told you he never thinks of you then he does.
If porn is sexual cheating then romance movies are emotional cheating because if our orgasm can only ever be about one woman our entire lives even when alone, then women should only ever have their romantic desires satisfied by us guys and not some pumped up hypersensitive hunk in a romance movie.
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reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (2 May 2012):
 OP you are looking at a very rough road ahead. Best of luck.
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reader, Honeypie +, writes (2 May 2012):
 I don't see it as cheating but more of alienation of affection honestly.
The person who chooses porn over a person doesn't have any emotions involved with the porn, just their hand and body part.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2012): What if the porn is not real people? What if it is 3d graphics for example? Or drawings, or paintings, etc? And what about real images that are very heavily computer-airbrushed? What gray area does that fall under? If 40% of the image is the real pornstar then does that make it 40% cheating? Bottom line, porn is just an image. If you don't want your BF looking at it, then that is something for you and him to compromise and agree on somehow. You may decide that looking at porn is a violation of the rules in your relationship, and if you want, then you can decide to make it a deal-breaker and end the relationship over it. But that is your right because you can make up whatever deal-breakers you want in a relationship, not because porn is actually comparable to full blown cheating.
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reader, shrodingerscat +, writes (2 May 2012):
 Porn is not cheating in my relationship. My "rules" won't work for everyone else, and I should never be immature and think that MY way of thinking is perfect for EVERYONE on the planet.
I believe you need to understand that the way you think and what rules you have for your relationship are not going to be shared with the entire world. And you need to be okay with that.
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