A
female
age
30-35,
*utejennykitty
writes:Ok, last night my best friend and our boyfriends were hanging out at my moms place. She and her boyfriend are out of town for the week. Anyway, we were partying pretty hard, having a lot of fun. We started playing truth or dare, long story short we all ended up naked, which is no big deal we have seen each other naked before. Anyway my best friend and I started "putting on a show" for our boys. Things got out of hand and we ended up going all the way with them watching. I had never had sex with a girl before, it was pretty fun. When we were done I said "lets swap boyfriends" I guess my friend was so lit she didn't care. I jumped her boyfriend and she went to mine. We had sex and passed out. Well this morning, my friend was acting a little weird and so was my boyfriend. She and her boyfriend left and my boyfriend started yelling at me. He said I cheated right in front of him, which I didn't get because he had sex with another girl too. He brought up the last time I cheated on him, he only knows about one time, I think. I have actually cheated a few times. My best friend knows about the other times I cheated except for one. I don't think she would have told him about any other time. So I don't know why he's acting so strange about the whole thing. Why is my best friend acting weird? Neither one of us have ever been with a girl. I don't think I'm a lesbian or anything. But, I don't understand why she is acting weird and why my boyfriend is so mad? Any advice?
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best friend, lesbian, sex with another Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2012): I think you have issues.
I recommend counciling and therapy.
That's really all I have to say.
A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan  +, writes (1 May 2012):
In response to your latest followup, you’re completely missing the important point here. What matters, if you’re serious about making things work with your boyfriend, isn’t what did or didn’t happen with your best friend. However many follow-ups you write, the advice you get is always going to be the same: what’s done is done, you all played a part in it, and seem to understand that it was a pretty stupid decision. But now, if you want to salvage your relationship, you’ve got to draw a line under it. Stop mulling over the finer points of who did what with whom, and agree to accept that this episode is the past and to concentrate solely on your future. You need to agree expectations and boundaries going forward, not harping back if you’ve any chance of making this relationship work. You don’t seem to be understanding that. You’ll never be able to even try to get past this until you understand the meaning of the advice you’re being given and act on it. You say you’re serious about your relationship, that doesn’t come across. Do the right thing!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2012): cutejennykitty, this is all a big joke to you, isnt it kitty? the others are right: you need serious mental therapy. i belive that you do have a few nuts lose and that you are just one of those'cheap" trash we all read about ( i am not being rude, merely responding to your updates as well). away.
my only suggestion is this: you need therapy. NOW. if you are not careful you will end up with HIV/AIDS. since you have no concept of monogamy and since you have chosen this lifestyle, try to have safe sex at least. im just afraid that you will infect other parties and their only crome will be taking what you freely give away.
im astounded by your blase attitude. your disrespect for your boyfriend. your free for all attitude. yourfriend is no better than you as well. seems like you hang out with the less desirables and this ia allyou know.
so what if you are from the wrong sides of the tracks but at least have a decent bone in your body. or try to.
in a few years time you will be used, abused, pulling trains freely, beciming the town bicycle (if not already) and well disease filled. its not a prediction without merit: your lifestyle choices are a sure way to self destruction.
MODS, i dont think anyone here is going to change kitty's lifestyle, attitude, morals and mayhem. This girl is a posterchild for all things dysfunctional. I think she needs proper counselling and no one here on DC is able to give her the proper counselling that she urgently requires. To her life is just one big laugh a minute, and to hell with any consequences. I firmly believe that the longer this tread runs the worse it will become. she is now very deliberately toying with the Aunts, her choice of words and phrases are deliberate, she is deliberately trying to get rile the Aunts. respectfully Mods, you need to make a decision.
LoveGirl
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2012): You really need to end it with your boyfriend as you treat him abominably. You seem unbelievably naive, immature and selfish. It's like you can't see how bad you are treating him. 'He is not the best in bed, but I can get sex anywhere so why is he so insecure?' This is one of the most ridiculous things I've seen written in a long while! He's insecure because you get sex anywhere! He's insecure because you cheat on him constantly and have zero remorse! I agree with the previous poster, you need some serious help.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2012): I think you need some serious counseling and need to grow up, listen to what you said ""I love my sweet dorky boyfriend, he's not the best in bed but I can get sex anywhere"" I'm wondering if something is wrong with your boyfriend to even mess around with someone like you, you have some serious issues and your boyfriend deserve better.
Get Help
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female
reader, cutejennykitty +, writes (30 April 2012):
cutejennykitty is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOk, so yesterday I called my best friend and she told me what was going on with her. She says that my boyfriend couldn't get it up so they couldn't exactly do it. She kissed him and touched him and everything but he couldn't get it together. She said that he looked at me and her boyfriend and said "I wish they would stop" but by then we were pretty into it. I don't remember but apparently she tried to tell us to stop but we were to into it. I told her that I was sorry had I known I would have stopped. She said she understands she was just mad the next day because she didn't get laid. She said she didn't really mind her boyfriend having sex with me as much as she thought she would. He wants to do a threesome but my best friend doesn't know if that's a good idea. I have no idea how to handle my Boyfriend, is he just embarrassed about going limp? My best friend says she thinks he had a serious problem with watching me have sex, her boyfriend is older, very muscular, very hot, and a little bigger down there. My boyfriend is super sweet but kinda skinny and very dorky. Would that also have something to do with it? I do love my sweet dorky boyfriend he has always been there for me, he was my best guy friend in high school, we have always been really close he always listened to me when I had relationship issues in the past, that's why we got together. He is not the best in bed, but I can get sex anywhere so why is he so insecure?
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female
reader, JadeLouise +, writes (29 April 2012):
YOU GOT TO BE KIDDING ME??!!
if my man cheated on me a FEW TIMES! then expected to have an open relationship he would get shown the door!!
he has hurt me before but not cheaed other circumstances but took me LONG ENOUGH to forgive him for that.. you may have enjoyed a bit of your friends boyfriend and she might of enjoyed yours a bit to much... you past out so maybe she is acting weird because they slept together again??!
so say to yourself if u got cheated on a few times you would be destroyed-?
well leave him and save him the agony of doing it his self!! men have feelings too ..i deniyed me partner the fact he loved me when i found out but now i know he does we have moved on nut before the situation i thought he did but noo! so leave & find someone who wants a open relationship.. for your sake as well as his
all luck JL.
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female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (29 April 2012):
 Call me crazy, but due to your boyfriend's reaction of screwing your friend's boyfriend, I highly DOUBT he's going to agree to an open relationship.
If he gets mad at you for cheating numerous times, what makes you think he's going to give you free range to sleep with whomever you want? Actually, you don't even need his permission because you continue to do it!!!
If you're not going to dump your boyfriend, maybe he'll grow a pair and dump you.
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reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (29 April 2012):
Of course he won't accept an open relationship-do you think his reaction thusfar gives you any reasons to suspect that he would? No it does not! Suggest it to him if you like, but honestly if you do want an open relationship you'd better be prepared to accept that it probably won't be with him, and even in an open relationship it's probably not a good idea to bring good friends of either partner in to it. And when he's already so unhappy about your past cheating and this latest incident, now's probably about the worst time, but then again when is a good time? These things are best agreed before the start of a relationship.
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reader, N91 +, writes (29 April 2012):
 Are you for real? I can not wrap my head around cheaters who say 'ooohhh I love my partner sooo much' - How could you possibly, when you decide to have sex with somebody else? MORE THAN ONCE??
He went 'mad' at you for cheating, so why do you think he would be happy with you being in a relationship where you can have sex with whoever you want??
I'm sorry but you sound like you're not ready for a relationship at all, just do the obvious thing and break up with your bf, cheating is not fair at all, especially when you've shown no remorse and continued to do it.
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reader, CANDY61 +, writes (29 April 2012):
He had sex with your best friend because it was your idea. cutejennykitty.....If you love your boyfriend as much as you say, why would you cheat on him?? I'm sure he loves you because he wouldn't be angry. Keep talking to him to get him to open up, you may want to do something special for him since you started this mess.
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reader, CANDY61 +, writes (29 April 2012):
Yes!!! I think this would be a good time to bring this up because you need to appologize for coming up with a stupid idea like this and let him know you don't go both ways, you need to find out how this affected him
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reader, CANDY61 +, writes (29 April 2012):
Your boyfriend doesn't trust you any more... so maybe he thinks you go both ways...He shouldn't have went for your stupid ideal. All 4 of you should take the blame, not just you. I've read all the posters and they gave you very good imformation, I hope you take heed!!! And next time your Mom and her friend are out of town do not let them come over. Maybe you shouldn't drink.
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reader, cutejennykitty +, writes (29 April 2012):
cutejennykitty is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI really love my boyfriend even though I cheat sometimes. I really wish I could talk him into an open relationship. Do you think this would be a good time to bring that up since he recently had sex with my best friend? Maybe he'd be more open to the idea now, I'm not sure because I haven't talked to him since he left pretty mad today?
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reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (29 April 2012):
This is relevant before I answer.
During your drunken stupor, are you absolutely SURE that your best friend and boyfriend got it on?
Because it sounds as if they didn't and you went on to screw her boyfriend in front of them.
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reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (29 April 2012):
 What a mess! Break up with your boyfriend because there's nothing left to salvage. You're just making a mockery of your "relationship", if you can even call it that anymore. You cheated on him, cheated on him again, then cheated some more, had sex with a woman, then with her boyfriend....I think you have serious issues that you need help for.
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reader, bitterblue  +, writes (28 April 2012):
 I agree with the last poster, since you've cheated several times, why not do the reasonable thing and break up? Would you like to be in his shoes if the tables were turned. Just make sure you do it prudently and gently - more so after the latest experiment. But sort that out first.
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reader, bitterblue +, writes (28 April 2012):
"But, I don't understand why she is acting weird and why my boyfriend is so mad?"In your case, as teenagers, you'll often have a "spark" as it occurs to you that "hey, why not do this or that - I saw it in a movie" but once the deed is done you start second doubting yourselves, the quick decisions etc.Your boyfriend and your best friend may not be very sure about what they just did. You engaged in just one night into sex with a girl and sex with another boy in front of your boyfriend. That can be awfully difficult to digest even for adult people and it often can break relationships.I will start by telling you that adult couples who do swinging which is basically swapping of partners, if they want to do this "by the book" and as much risk-free as possible, they discuss this thoroughly with their partners firstly, do analyses, etc and finally they meet like-minded people in special clubs where they follow the club's rules, do tests and so on. Sometimes they try this with friend-couples, too, if they find willing people in their circle of friends. But the main idea is that a lot of analyses and thought must be put into this before attempting.WHY?Research the matter and you'll see. There is a lot of controversy around the subject, there are moral objections, there are health risks, and so on.Even after doing it "by the book", there can still be a lot of problems, sometimes the partner engages in this out of curiosity or to please the other, so tension, jealousy or health issues arise. This is not for everyone and it shouldn't be done in the "spur of the moment".I will list some tough questions here but I am sure you can face it.Things that can go through your best friend's mind are:What if I enjoyed this more than having sex with my boyfriend? Am I becoming a lesbian?If I did this, does it mean I am a lesbian?What if people find out and I'll be labeled and FINGER-POINTED?What if it was really wrong? Can the people involved keep the secret? How can I face them again?Things that can go on through the boyfriend's mind:I am jealous of the other boy.I liked it at the time, but I am not sure I like it now.etc etc etc - Should I go on?You will need to go take him by the hand and explain him that you saw that in a movie or elsewhere and in the heat of the moment you suggested it, and were faced with everyone's approval so you went ahead and you are open to discuss any concerns or hot issues that you both may have so any negative impact on you as a couple is minimized. I would suggest not repeating this at least for now as you are so young and not really sure of what you like or what you want and too fast driven into things that you haven't documented well about prior to actually attempting, which as you see leads you to awkward situations or reactions. Had you documented about it in the first place, perhaps you would have been better equipped to deal with a certain type of reactions from the others and from yourself, who, even though you don't straight out say, perhaps are somewhat confused and bewildered to a degree by the whole experiment, unsure of whether you want to repeat it, sorry about the context or some parts of it etc - if not now, then maybe next week! Or the month after that.Your boyfriend and best friend went unprepared through a complex, wild situation and have second thoughts about it. You will need to work it out together, agree to keep it between you unless you want to meet some... raised eyebrows and disapproval, perhaps schedule a feedback session and agree on how not to have your relationships, friendships distracted or bothered by this experiment, and generally keep it between yourselves and for next time and to help this settle down perhaps suggest a more... natural, teenager fun thing - like going to the park, or the cinema! You are not prepared to do this folks.But you can still document, read about it, discuss it between yourselves, and do your best for the relationships to be unaffected though this rarely happens. It only takes a confused, excited, intrigued, curious fellow to do this and as confused as you entered it, you can also exit it. If you really want to learn from it, be more mature, read, understand the basic psychology of these situations and act accordingly when the next challenge comes up in truth or dare. And for encouragement I can say this type of fun has messed up some confidence and some relationships, but knowledge is power and the more you know, the best decisions you can make in the future. Best of luck!
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reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (28 April 2012):
What’s happened here is pretty simple to explain: something that seemed fun and exciting when everyone was drunk, is now making everyone feel very uncomfortable after sobering up. Your boyfriend has to accept that all 4 of you were responsible for this situation and cannot blame you, your friend or anyone else for it without taking responsibility for his part. However, I suspect his anger stems from the fact that he probably doesn’t feel very secure in your relationship anyway, given that you have cheated on previous occasions. It takes a long time to recover the trust after some-one has cheated, drunken boyfriend swaps or shows for the boys performed with your best friend are only going to hamper your efforts to rebuild the trust that you broke by being unfaithful.
But what’s done is done. Ideally, the 4 of you need to get together and all agree to put this incident behind you and agree not to repeat it. Hopefully in time your best friend will come to better accept the situation-I suspect her distant behaviour is a result of her feeling awkward. Separately, you need to have a serious talk with your boyfriend. Explain that what you all did shouldn’t have happened, and that you regret the fact that you’ve cheated in the past. Tell him that you would like to move on, and that you want to work to rebuild the trust in your relationship. Take things slowly-go out together, just the 2 of you-have dinner, watch a film or whatever would interest you. Make it quality time where you can remind each other of what it is that you love about each other, and in time things will get better. Moving on is hard work: you'll have to regain his trust, and he'll have to not hold your past mistakes against you whenever it suits him, but agreeing to give it a try is the first step. So, to end, it's time for a frank, difficult, but necessary conversation, with a good bit of honesty and humility on both sides, to get this relationship back on track.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2012): Dude, you seem a little immature about this. Your bf is pissed because you cheated on him. Regardless of whether the person was male or female, it's still cheating. Maybe he didn't have sex with your friend? Maybe he did and has double standards? Either way, it sounds like you want to be young, wild and carefree, so perhaps you should think about being free and single. If you're bf doesn't want you to cheat, doesn't want an open relationship, and you don't want to be exclusive with him, it's not gonna work, hun.
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