A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I know this isn't a relationship question but I don't know where else to turn.Over the years I've asked lots of questions to the site and the responses have always been very helpful and genuinely caring. Recently my step mom who has always been lovely to me has changed. She's lost a lot of weight and this has given her a massive confidence boost but the constant compliments etc have gone to her head because now she feels absolutely superior to everyone and that she is pure perfection. As a result every little thing I do is now worthless and she never stops criticising me things that used to be fine are now not. She frequently criticises my style, the way I looks, how I do at school, my relationships with both the opposite sex and friends and my dreams for the future. She undermines me in every aspect of my life and always reminds me how I'm not perfect. I just can't take it any more it's come to the point where I barely feel human any more and I can't see the point of doing anything because it just won't ever be good enough. What should I do whenever I try to confront her about it she bursts into tears turns the situation on it's head so everyone things I'm being the one who is putting her down. I just feel so insecure and I've lost all the confidence I once had in life. I know this might just sound like a stroppy teenager but this is beyond helpful and guiding criticism and I feel like my life has no value.
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male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (29 April 2012):
How are you confronting her? Are you doing it immediately after she’s upset you, when you’re full of anger and frustration, or asking her for a quiet word to explain that her recent behaviour is upsetting you? If you’re trying to approach this situation in a decent way, you can’t be put off from making your point just because she gets upset, because you're upset too.
Two tips will help you:
•Be sure to tell her how much she means to you and that this is a recent change.
•Instead of telling her that she’s putting you down and making you feel bad about yourself, try instead saying that when she says and does certain things, it makes you feel this way. That way, you can make your point whilst acknowledging that she might not mean to make you feel bad. It should remove the sense that she's being accused and make her more receptive to hearing what you've got to say. It should get a more reasonable dialogue going. And tell her how she could do things differently: could she say things differently to make them feel more like suggestions or questions for you to think about, rather than attacks? Could you both agree on a procedure to follow to each voice any complaints before they escalate, and resolve them in a reasonable way? Try to tell her what she should do, as well as what she’s doing wrong.
That is a reasonable and mature way to deal with the situation, hopefully if you can both give ground on each side you’ll work it out. Are there any other family members you could talk to as well that might be able to mediate and help you find a resolution? I hope so, but if not the steps I’ve outlined above are the best way to proceed.
I wish you all the very best.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2012): You need to show her what you have written hear. If she bursts into tears when you talk to her then maybe it's better if she sees it in writing so she knows how you feel.
Just copy and paste this into an email, add how wonderful a woman and stepmom you think she actually is and that you'd love if the old, happy her came back.
You need to let her know all this, and if you feel you can't talk to her then just out it in writing and let her read it, communication is the key here. Try and be understanding though OP it sounds to me like she'shaving a bit of an emotional crisis, no one's perfect and a drastic loss in weight for a person is almost always an attempt to fix something, whether that is just poor health of a lack of confidence. The whole superiority deal tells me this was a lack of confidence and now she has lost it the pendulum has swung the other way but maybe not solved the underlying issue.
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