A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My bestfriend and I have been friends for about 7 years now.. I love her very much and I know that she loves me, but for the past year its been seeming like everything has become a competition with her. It drives me crazy because I feel like I can't trust her anymore. Its almost as if she likes to see me sad or "down". That isn't how a bestfriendship should be.. That isn't how ANY friendship should be. I don't mean to "toot my own horn" but I just want everyone to kind of understand the entire situation so that I can receive the best advice. I'm young and successful for my age: I'm smart (I am passing all my college courses), I just bought myself a really nice car (my car is better than most of my friend's parents cars), nice job, and I'm a pretty girl. People look at me and think that I have it all... people including her.Now let me give you the run-down on my Bestfriend: She's pretty too. People say that we look alot alike, but In my opinion she's prettier than I am.. She's absolutely gorgeous. But thats all she really has going for herself. I believe that she has potential.. but she just strives to do everything I do and it doesn't work for her. She doesn't understand that things take baby steps and hard work and dedication.Now that you have the our profiles, let me explain the situation a little better: Its like every single time I do something she never genuinely seems happy for me and then she has to go try to do it too. She never is successful at duplicating the things I do.. but it irks me so much that she always has to try to “copy” me. To her defense, she claims to look up to me (even though I'm the younger of us two).. Her admiration was okay at first. But I feel like she not only wants to be like me, she wants to be me... actually, she wants to be better than me.It has gotten so bad between us that I think the only way she feels like she can "compete" with me is by bringing me down. If I am happy, she is being mean to me to sort of ruin my mood. If I am sad, she will act super happy and gloat about having whatever I may be lacking.Example: I was sad that my sister was upset with me. I'm talking to her about it... 10 minutes later she says, "I think me and my sis are gonna have a sister day this week". Maybe I'm crazy and I'm reading into things too much, but I feel like EVERY single time I'm sad about something, she does that. Maybe so that I can envy her like I think she envies me?I used to tell her everything, I thought she was my one true friend.. but now I don't tell her really anything about my personal business because If Its good news, I feel like I'm fueling her competitive spirit. If its bad news, I feel like she wants to see me down, so I rather not give her the satisfaction... also because I know that whatever I tell her that is wrong with me, she'll find some way to make me feel worst about it.I don't know what to do.. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, mooh  +, writes (28 May 2012):
Maybe you can talk about it with your bff - mention that you feel like you are growing apart from each other. But maybe this "competition" she feels/creates could be fueled if you are always/often together and have a similar social life/knowing and hanging out with the same people... If you can't talk with her or feel like it's not going to work out with her then maybe start putting some distance with her (getting to know people unrelated to her and becoming less available to her).
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (30 April 2012):
 Friends come and go in everyone's life. Sure some people can stay best buddies for a lifetime, but most can't or just don't. As we grow and change so will our friends. You can't pick your family but you sure as heck can pick who you hang around with, and if someone is a pain in the butt then weed them out.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2012): I've been on both ends of the spectrum. As someone similar to you, I've found that often, even with family members, if someone is jealous of you, they will be so happy at any inkling of sadness on your face. And when you're happy, they're the sad/moody ones. This should provide a clue that the person you're dealing with is never truly happy for you, let alone him/herself. She must be a really insecure girl. The best thing to do is befriend someone on your level, because I find that people who are good looking (but lack in the education/money department) always bring about a sense of competition. Now, I've also been your best friend in a situation. I had a gorgeous friend, who volunteered, had a nice car, had a handsome bf, everything. I was jealous of her and pushed her away (even though I'm called "pretty" too). I was also smarter than her, and found that her intelligence level wasn't up to "par" with mine. BUT I realized at one point that beneath the smile, there were tons of insecurities as well. Nobody is completely perfect. So I accepted her and I accepted myself. If this girl can't learn to be happy with what she has, she will continue taking out her misery on you and manipulating you and making you feel like crap. I suggest having a talk with her about it and if she denies it, she's not a true friend. If she's a drama queen about it, then cut her out of your life completely and find someone else to be friends with. Remember, beauty is not everything in this world.
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A
female
reader, Starlights  +, writes (30 April 2012):
 Aww this problem is common.
Firstly your bestfriends competitive nature is due to her own insecurities, she probably feels your way better than her and the need to out do you.
There is a whole clash going on.
However they do say imitation is the best form of flattery ;)
My advice would be keep your bestfriend at a distance and as a friend for now.
You dont need to tell her your secrets because when you do and she makes you feel crap for it, thats not a best friend.
Friends are there to be supportive and encouraging.
Ive been through similar things with my friends and family so i keep it at a distance now, it works much better that way.
People find it hard to change and sometimes this is the only way to keep all sides happy.
Goodluck
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (30 April 2012):
It does sound like she might be trying to compete with you, which isn’t bad in itself, but when she tries to put you down and behaves in the way you describe, she’s not really being a good friend.You sound confident, hard-working and intelligent. Good friends are hard to come by so I wouldn’t end the friendship altogether, but just keep her faults in mind when deciding how much to tell her and include her in different aspects of your life. My suggestion to you is to try and widen your circle of friends as much as possible. Most people probably find that different friends help us in different ways, and most people can think of something that is a bit annoying about a close friend. Try and do things that will allow you to meet as many different people as possible-what about spending more time with work colleagues, for example?By all means, if you think it would help, have a talk with this friend and tell her how her behaviour makes you feel-she mightn’t even mean to do it, or to make you feel that way, and a close friendship is worth putting in the time and effort if there’s something to salvage. But if she does enjoy putting you down try to make sure you’re not reliant/dependent on this friendship. Unfortunately people do change and drift apart, it’s just a fact of life. That’s why I believe it’s best to widen the net to the fullest possible extent.I wish you all the very best.
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