A
female
age
36-40,
*eabea
writes:Is it possible for my bf and I to love each other but have no sexual chemistry?We have been dating for three months and we love each other very much. We have a healthy realtionship in every aspect except the bed. Its either he cant get an erecetion or he cant climax.When I perform oral sex, I dont do it right, he says it does nothing for him. I would hate if we broke up because of this but its getting to that point. Three months of trying and its like we arent in sync in bed. What is happening and what can we do to fix it?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2012): Not getting an erection is a big thing for a man. It happened to me the first two or three times I attempted sex with my girlfriend. It wasn't for lack of chemistry it was more likely because I was nervous the first time and was used to masturbation having been single for a year and a half. After the first time it wasn't so much the masturbation thing as I went cold turkey it was more mental as it was a constant worry. Getting a hardon when anxious about getting a hardon is very difficult. With a bit of understanding from my gf I got there and our sex life has been great since. Basically what I'm saying is he needs you to be understanding and he needs to be relaxed and to just go with the flow. I'm sure its not lack of fancying you as he wouldn't be there in the first place if he didn't fancy you.
A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (1 May 2012):
 Its quote possible he's become desensitized due to masturbating to porn. That can have exactly the effect you describe. This site has lots of good information about it: www.yourbrainonporn.com
Remember that men are often very insecure about their sexual performance so handle this gently
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (1 May 2012):
 I agree with masturbation/porn cut backs. While some men really do struggle to achieve orgasm, given that he's taking his frustration about this out on you I'm guessing he has no problem getting there on his own. If he is serious about making this work, he needs to stop cold turkey for a little bit to sort of reset himself. His hand is much firmer than say, a mouth or vagina. It's possible to become desensitized to a softer sensation or to the mental stimulation, or both.
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan  +, writes (1 May 2012):
You’re asking a question that only you and your boyfriend can answer. Is it possible? Well that depends on whether you both want a relationship without sex. Reading your post, it seems as though the lack of sex is a problem and that what you’re actually trying to work out, is how can it be resolved? If it’s getting to the point where you’re thinking of breaking up, it’s pretty obvious that the lack of sex is a big issue.A good sex life is all about communication, telling each other what you like and dislike, and what turns you on. If you’re not performing oral sex right, ask him to tell you how you could do it differently to get him to enjoy it more, for example. His inability to get an erection or climax might be a result of the pressure that the lack of sex is causing for him, which is a bit ironic, I know. It’s a vicious cycle. Try to reduce that pressure by not making the whole experience about penetrative sex. Concentrate instead on kissing, cuddling and foreplay, and enjoy just being intimate with each other, and have full sex when the time’s right. You don’t need to do that every time. Changing the way you approach your sex lives might well improve his erections.So in summary, more openness and honesty, showing each other what works and what doesn’t, and communicating better is the order of the day, as is adjusting your expectations to stop putting yourselves under so much pressure.I wish you all the very best.
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A
female
reader, thelioness06492 +, writes (1 May 2012):
move on. focuss on your life and it will happen when you least expect it.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (1 May 2012):
 It is possible to love each other without sexual chemistry, but that is called a friendship. I think you've just labeled this wrong though, you and your boyfriend DO have sexual chemistry. You want sex with each other, right? You're turned on by each other, you want each other, you want to make the sex work and be good for both of you. And it is frustrating to you both when it doesn't work out too well. The frustration is there because you ARE sexually attracted to each other and have chemistry. If you didn't then you wouldn't care.
Maybe slow down on the sex, or the penetration part, and get to know each others sexuality. He has different triggers than what you have previously experienced. You're not "doing it wrong", but he's obviously got other things going for him. Perhaps he's struggling with keeping an erection and it's got nothing to do with you. Perhaps he is just nervous because he is so attracted to you (it happens!). Perhaps you and him need more closeness before you move on to sex, and then take the pressure off the sex. Don't have sex. Give it a rest. Let the sexual part of your relationship come by itself, when the time is right. In the meantime just carry on getting to know each other, build up intimacy, and cuddle and touch and pet each other. Take showers together. Give massages. Cuddle in bed. Have make-out sessions. Walk hand in hand and do romantic things together. Then if and when you have sex, it'll come by itself.
But talk to him about this first and about whatever strategy you want to follow. If you're going to relax on the sex and build up intimacy instead, let him know, so he doesn't think you suddenly lost interest in him.
Many guys feel REALLY down about themselves if they can't stay erected/reach climax. They beat themselves up about it, and are ashamed of it, and feel embarrassed and emasculated. So, don't make this about you or think you're not good enough. Chances are he's already beating himself up about this, and you'll help him out by relaxing him and letting him know it's okay. That you'll figure it out and that things will work out by themselves after a while (they probably will, you just have to be patient).
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (1 May 2012):
 Hmm...he might need to cut down on the porn and/or the masturbation. A lot of times, this happens because he's gotten too used to his own hand or otherwise doing it himself.
Tell him to halt all self-love to give him time to "reboot" and recondition his mind to enjoying love from someone else. As for you, you can easily learn techniques for oral sex. Learning things like massaging his scrotum gently or perenium or running your hand along his chest while giving him oral sex can enhance things.
But he has to back off of the masturbation, because he's way too used to it.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (1 May 2012):
 If you are not doing it right for him then ask him to guide you and tell you what feels good for him and vice versa. As for his sex drive has he had troubles with it in the past? Talk to each other and try and figure out what works for both of you.
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