A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I realize people are tired of the never-ending retroactive jealousy questions, but please try to bear with me. Believe me, if it were possible to solve this by simply telling myself it's irrational, dumb, pointless, a double standard, the past doesn't matter, I shouldn't be having these issues at my age, etc. I would have solved it long ago.I've been married about a year, and I've been seeing my wife for about 3 years. We dated briefly about 8 years ago, but broke up for about 5 years.Although I met her in the U.S. after she was divorced from her 1st husband, she's originally from the Philippines. She admits she wasn't really attracted to her first husband, barely knew him, etc., but she got married because she wanted to get away from her situation.I've always been very quiet and awkward socially, struggled with self confidence issues, etc. but I am also a very successful professional in a "high prestige" position. I've also been told many times that I'm very good looking, a nice guy, etc. When I first met my wife, she started talking about getting married within about 2 months. I felt that we barely knew each other, and It was clear from the beginning that a big part of the reason my wife was interested in me was due to my income. This was part of the reason I broke up with her initially. She was very upset and tried to get back together with me for almost 3 years. (including some stalking type behavior)During the time we were not seeing each other, she had several relationships with different men. Most of them don't bother me in terms of RJ, but I had found some emails between her and one of her exes that were highly sexual in nature (yea, I know, I should not have read the emails, but I did, and now I have to deal with it). Although she apparently went at it like an animal with this other guy for hours on end, she seems relatively disinterested in sex with me. When she refuses to have sex with me, I end up thinking about how she told her ex how she couldn't wait to do it with him, she'd drive an hour just to do it with him, etc.I have told her that her disinterest in sex makes me think she just married me for money, even though she's not attracted to me. I've also said she seemed to be much more attracted to her ex sexually than she is to me, why she was so attracted to him sexually, etc. I'll admit that I do this because I want her to say something like "The sex wasn't really that great with him, I was never attracted to him as much as I am with you" etc. But, she typically doesn't respond, or she says something like "Sex was all he had going for him, he was a complete loser other than that and I never wanted to get married to him"I've assumed that her responses or non-responses confirm my fears, because I'd expect her to deny it if it wasn't true, and because what I do know also seems to confirm my fears. I've been trying to reach a point where I'm perfectly comfortable with the idea that maybe she was more sexually attracted to her ex, that the sex was better with him, etc. But, for some reason it drives me bananas to think that she liked sex with the other guy more.Rationally, both men and women chose to get married to someone based on a variety of factors, not just the person they were most attracted to sexually. It would be foolish to chose one's spouse solely on the basis of who we're most attracted to sexually. Realistically, it is highly unlikely that the person we ultimately get married to is also the one we're most attracted to sexually.I can accept the fact that I'm probably not the most charming of all my wife's exes, I'm probably not the best looking, I'm probably not the most athletic, I probably don't make the most money, etc. But, it still drives me bananas and pushes all my insecurity buttons to think that probably really did like sex with her ex better. How do other people cope with the knowledge that your signficant other or spouse was probably more attracted to someone else sexually, probably had better sex with someone else, etc.? Are you perfectly comfortable with this knowledge? Do you chose to live in denial and believe that you're the best he/she has ever had? (I used to have the irrational belief that I was the best for her in terms of sex, but reading the emails between my wife and her ex suggest that this is highly unlikely) Do you just not think about it?I've seen psychologists, counselors, etc. about this issue for some time and I realize it's not rational. But, the counseling hasn't helped a whole lot, so I'm curious how other people out in the real world deal with this?
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broke up, confidence, divorce, get back together, her ex, jealous, money, stalking Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Moo's Mum  +, writes (7 May 2012):
 Does this woman actually make you happy? If not then I would seriously think about whether or nnot this marriage is right for you.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2012): OP here, thanks for the responses. Is there really any way to know for sure how someone feels about you?
I get stuck in this never-ending mind game where I ask her something, but I don't really believe her when she responds. This isn't entirely unfounded as she's said many things that are contradictory, and they can't all be true.
When I say to her "I sometimes think you just married me for the money" she says "No, that's not true, you are my dream guy since I was in 4th grade" But, when I say "You used to drive halfway across the state just to have sex with X when you were seeing him, but you are barely interested in sex with me. Why can't you just admit the truth -that you were more attracted to him sexually than you are to me?" she typically doesn't say anything.
What's frustrating about this is that I know from past experience that at least some women are very attracted to me sexually, so I know it is possible to find a woman like that.
The main thing is I'm trying to figure out if there's something I'm doing wrong when it comes to sex, and it could work for us if I just did something different, or is the natural chemistry just not there? I had been reading books, etc., trying very hard to do all the "right things" for her, but nothing has worked (including talking dirty to her like her ex did).
As far as I can tell, her ex didn't have to do anything to get great sex other than email her and say "I really want to F you" and invite her over. She'd respond with "I can't wait to bend over and feel you huge C in my P, I'm getting wet just thinking about it." No dinner, no flowers, no cards, no charm, etc. Just raw sex.
At this point I've given up. Her constant rejections and lack of any real interest in sex have made me far less attracted to her sexually. It does seem to come down to a choice between lifeless, infrequent sex or divorce.
Thanks again for the responses.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2012): OP there is nothing irrational about your insecurities they're just misdirected.
"She admits she wasn't really attracted to her first husband, barely knew him, etc., but she got married because she wanted to get away from her situation."
"It was clear from the beginning that a big part of the reason my wife was interested in me was due to my income."
"she seems relatively disinterested in sex with me."
"But, she typically doesn't respond"
Am I really the only person here who can see what the true underlying cause of your problem is?
This isn't about retro-jealousy, it's not about irrational thoughts or feeling like she enjoyed other men more than you. It's about not being able to trust her reasons for marrying you are not just a ticket to all that you provide in terms of financial security and material wealth. You're directing your insecurities in the wrong way. It's not about this other guy being better than you, it's about the glaring possibility that this marriage is not about love or desire but money and a nice lifestyle and she's not working very hard to dismiss that possibility and frankly you're making it very easy for her to avoid those tough questions because you're asking the wrong ones.
You're married to a woman who has used marriage as a way to ahead in the world, used it to get a green card and a nicer life in the US. You know she has absolutely no problem marrying a guy she's not attracted to nor in love with and there are more than a few signs that this may well be the case with you too. You don't feel any passion or desire from her, when you ask her why that is she brushes you off. You're so focused on the whole idea that she does fancy you but that this guy in her past then must just have been better in bed, that you're kind of missing the point.
That's not the real issue. I have had sex partners in the past that I'm not ashamed to say were far more passionate and wild sexually than my current girlfriend would that bea good reason or even a good explanation as to why I would be so apathetic towards her sexually? No it wouldn't, I lover her, desire her and want her sexually far more than any of my exes or past partners.
I don't get how you can think that she's just asexual generally and that this guy was just somehow special.
You know what OP, you can go to as many shrinks and counsellors as you like. They're not going to fix this because you can't even see the real problem here.
The real problem here is not that desired her ex more because he was somehow amazing in bed, it's more that you simply do not know whether she desires you as a man or desires what you have. Until you truly figure out the answer to that question then you're never going to feel secure with her. Now you can try all you want to say you trust her, that I'm wrong and it really is you that has an irrational RJ issue and I could be wrong. But I challenge you to prove me wrong.
Prove to me that main problem is actually sex and prove to me sex isn't just the superficial sign that perhaps she entered this marriage for different reasons than you. She's done it before and had absolutely no problem living in a lie of a marriage, what's to say yours is any different?
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A
female
reader, PerhapsNot +, writes (5 May 2012):
 "It was clear from the beginning that a big part of the reason my wife was interested in me was due to my income. "Ask yourself this question: if you didn't have the job title and the income, would your wife had married you? Was your financial stability her primary reason for marrying you? There is no question that financial stability is an attractive quality for many women. But if your money was the main spark, then I can completely understand why you're feeling insecure.There are a lot of calculating women in this world. If however, your wife pursued you for other reasons such as, she found you interesting, kind, generous, funny, ect. then your reasons for worrying are ill founded. So what if you're not the one who she was sexually the most attracted to? So what if she preferred sex another man? People rarely marry someone who they find the most attractive, the best in bed and the best personality. That's just unrealistic thinking. Most people simply lie, or are too afraid to think that maybe they aren't the best option. If however you place a lot o doubt on your wife's intentions and her sexual attraction to you in general, then your reasons are far more serious and pressing that your RAJ.
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A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (5 May 2012):
 "I've always been very quiet and awkward socially, struggled with self confidence issues".
This is your problem. You can solve this by improving your self confidence. Your insecurities are manifesting themselves via comparing yourself to your wife's former lovers. Since you have low self esteem you're making negative comparisons.
There's many ways to improve your self confidence. Some suggestions are: playing sport, learning a martial art, meditation, yoga.
You can also try to identify your irrational beliefs that are holding you back and face them down. This is a good article about how to do that:
http://www.livestrong.com/article/14728-handling-irrational-beliefs/
As for the rest, yes, you just don't think about it. Human's are creatures of habit: if you get into the habit of not thinking about it it becomes easier and easier to continue to not think about it.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2012): I agree, it's not RJ but the options are the same. Stay with her or leave.
The whole thing makes her sounds cheap and trashy to me. "He was a loser and had nothing going for him besides the sex, I never had any intention of marrying him." How is that really different from "He was a loser and had nothing going for him besides his money, I never had any intention of marrying him"? I would be pretty turned off to know my GF had those kinds of priorities about dating.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (4 May 2012):
 This is not retroactive jealousy because you're not worried about some guy your wife slept with, but, instead, you're worried about not being the best for her in sexual terms.
Feeling that your wife would rather be with someone else if the decision were based on sex alone must be just terrible. I can understand why you feel so bad.
Still, the answer has to be the same I would give for retroactive jealousy. You can stay with her as things are now, or you can leave. There is really no other alternative.
All the best.
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A
female
reader, Moo's Mum +, writes (4 May 2012):
Based on what you've told us I would venture that she knew sex was that guys currency and because she wanted him she used his currency to persuade him that he wanted her too. She sounds, from your description, like a person who stives hard to get what she wants and carefully works out what will work best on each person.
I don't think you need to worry about her enjoying sex with him more, she was trying to get him wrapped round her little finger.
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan  +, writes (4 May 2012):
Your whole view of this relationship is based on doubts, this runs much deeper than just sex. Suppose she’d responded to your questions by telling you that sex with you was the best she’d ever have, would you accept that? Reading your post, I suspect you’d be more likely to assume that she’s just telling you that to keep you happy, and you wouldn’t believe her, because you’d read some emails that belong in the past. You’ve even intimated that you believe her interest in you was because of your professional success.
The reality is that you question and doubt your wife’s motives. Not only that, but because of your lack of trust you make all kinds of assumptions about her exes. You’ve written about how she “probably” had better sex with some-one else, and that you “probably” don’t make as much money as some of them. Lots of “probably” here. You say that you’ve sought some kind of counselling about your sex-related anxieties, which hasn’t help. It’s little wonder, because your issues are trust issues, and sex is only a part of that. It’s being able to trust your wife, and not turning your own lack of confidence in to mistrust and suspicion towards her, that you need to try to get over. If she knows you’re worrying so much about her exes, is it any wonder that she’s not interested in sex with you? She’s probably very unhappy herself because of your mistrust. And remember, what makes the best sex is that it’s with some-one you love. Do you actually show genuine affection for her? I suggest you have an honest conversation with her, and apologise for bringing up her past sexual experiences and comparing them and agree to draw a line under it and not do it any more. I do think that you shouldn’t have done that and you need to put it right. But also tell her all the things you love about her as a person, and that you want to work on your trust and confidence issues. Make an effort to pay her compliments and make time for her, and allow her to do the same for you. When she does, think about what the things she says in themselves tell you about how she feels, and what they tell you about this relationship itself. The past is the past, you need to work on making this relationship work for you both in its own right.
Overcoming your insecurities will be tough, but let her be a part of that journey with you, these insecurities run deep and you’ll need the support. You say in your post that you know a lot of what you feel is irrational, tell her that! Let her know that you don’t want to be thinking about the past, and take those positive steps I describe above to be more in tune with how each other really feels.
I wish you all the very best.
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