A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Master of malipulation or genuine guy who realises what he s lost? My ex and i parted about 6 mths ago,it was a hard relationship. We had children but it was never offical. He had committment issues. And had caused me hurt over the yrs with lies, hanging around with ex girlfriends etc. He was also abusive at times. It was i who ended it as i felt i had become fed up with his boyish ways and disrespectful behaviour. After we split he would send the odd message about missing etc but never really tried to hard. One thing that used to grate on me was the need to keep ex partners in his life by either texting them emailing etc. We have now a routine and he has recently hooked up with this christain lady, she is in her 40 s same as him and is a old friend from school yrs, she also used to be married to his old school friend but turned gay and divorced him. All of a sudden she is hanging around with him and is convienently at his home when he has our kids over. My daughter talks of her non stop and he has allowed her to baby sit our young son for a short time while he popped out. He knew my daughter would tell me and i refuse to rise to the bait. He has since been saying he is a changed person and needs my forgiveness as he misses everything. There were always alot of games with him and im feeling he is using this lady as a way of hurting me into believing she has changed him through her christian beliefs. The man i knew would binge drink take drugs, not all the time. lie, cheat and be abusive at times is suddenly going to see the errors of his way. He says he needs to know was it all is fault. surely only conselling will help him not god?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2012): don't concern yourself with his sincerity. as long as your children are being well taken care of when they are with him, that's all you need to pay attention to.He wants your forgiveness. This is the problem. He isn't entitled to forgiveness just because he's changed his ways and attitudes (if he actually has). But as long as you are getting sucked into the game between you and him over whether you owe him forgiveness or he is entitled to be forgiven, it will lead to a messy never ending conflict because you will have to be convinced that he meets your criteria for being forgiven or if there even can be any such criteria, which means you will be forever trying to 'read his mind' to know what his true intentions behind every little action are and judge them, and then he will claim he has changed and his intentions are pure and you misread them and you wont' believe him and yada yada yada.So forget about forgiving him and what that looks like. You do not need to forgive him in order to get on with your lives. As long as you're leaving him alone not sabotaging him out of hate, and vice versa, you don't need to forgive him and he does not need your forgiveness. Tell him you will forgive him whenever you are ready but in the meantime he can carry on in his life just fine without your forgiveness. And then continue living your separate lives and only concern yourself with whether your children are being well taken care of by him. As for your kids constantly talking about this new lady. So what? Think of it as similar to if they had a new schoolteacher that they just loved and talked about her nonstop. That's all. If they like her and she treats them well, then so what, it doesn't harm you and it helps them and you don't need to be involved. You don't have a monopoly on all your childrens' social interactions and social relationships (like when they go to school it's pretty much out of your hands who they are talking to) so you should let that go unless you see or suspect that harm is being done to them.
A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (1 May 2012):
A religious conversion can be a profound, and yes, life-changing experience. A sense of God’s presence may well have helped him change his ways. Not everyone needs a counsellor!The question you need to ask yourself is, why are you bothered either way? Because of your children? Or because you might take him back if he’d changed?He can’t reasonably expect you to take him back because he’s apologised and asked for forgiveness. It’s worth keeping on good terms and maintaining a friendly relationship for the sake of your children anyway, so it’s worth telling him that you’ll draw a line under the past if he’s sorry. There would be no point holding his past against him if it is indeed just history.If he does want to get back with you, it’s only fair that you’re honest with him if you don’t want that. If you do, you’re safest option would probably be to tell him that there are no guarantees, and to start right back at the beginning with dating and getting to know each other again. After all, you’ll need to know how his new-found faith has changed him as a person. He should expect to take things as slowly as you need.There is, of course, a big risk there, that you might get hurt again, and you’ll need to be very strong and get out quickly if this all turns out to be lies, or a fad that doesn’t last and he reverts back to old ways. Are you prepared for that? The take-away questions for you to think about are, therefore:1) Would an apology and giving him your forgiveness simply give you closure and allow you to have a better relationship for the sake of your children, or might you take him back if he’s genuine?2) How will you deal with the hurt and upset that letting him back in might cause? Are you ready for that risk, or will you ever get to a point where you might be?Whatever he’s done, it’s not worth holding against him now. But whatever you want from the future, he has to earn your trust and respect. Asking for forgiveness is the easy part, proving that you deserve it is the real test. But don’t think that faith can’t change a person that radically, and don’t close your mind to the possibility that the presence of this woman in his life might actually be a good thing.I wish you all the very best.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2012): It may be that this woman has some sort of stabling influence on him. Who knows? But I would just carry on as you are with him out of your life but having contact because of the children. I would not bother getting into conversations about forgiveness, just say you want an amicable relationship for the sake of the kids. Try and distance yourself emotionally from him. Whatever is going on in his life is his affair and I would try not to get involved.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (1 May 2012):
 It takes all sorts. Maybe religion is what he needs. I would just wish him well and start focusing on YOUR life, not his and not his actions.
Let it go.
If you aren't comfortable having a women you do not know around you kids talk to their father and find a compromise.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (1 May 2012):
 God can help many, counseling isn't the only answer to a persons problems you know. Maybe if you are a non-believer you find it difficult to accept, but those who are religious turn to God for help.. not to therapists. And they get help in their religion. They find strength there, support, faith, love, courage.
This woman who helps him is a lesbian, am I correct? You wrote that she turned gay and divorced her husband. So she has no romantic interest in your ex.
Be careful with forgiving too soon, but sometimes people do see their mistakes.
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