A
female
age
30-35,
*ulu55
writes:My boyfriend and I have been dating for 5 months. My parents are super strict and dont like that I'm dating him because he's not in school but I'm 19 and I like this kid alot. I want to be with him hut he's upset that I'm not telling my parents because he feels like I don't want him enough to tell them. They know I'm with him but then don't know when in out with him because I know trull force me to stay home and it'll be fight after fight and I'd rather just lie about it as bad as that sounds. One thing I didn't like about him was that when he got mad he's always say mean things that later on he regretted and it really hurt me but I knew he didn't mean it. Yes, I know I was being verbally abused but besides that he was perfect for me. It's a big issue and that's what prevented me from proudly showing my parents and not being afraid to stand up for us.. I wanted to see if he could work through this. He's been through alot and I understand why he is te way he is sometimes but I'm aware that it's wrong.. I broke up with him and in devastated and so is he and I'm afraid that he'll never understand why I did. This.. He said he's only being rude because he feels like I don't think he's worth the fight with my parents and I'm not fighting with my parents about it because he's rude when he's mad! What should I do? I'm sure there are other stories like this..
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male
reader, no nonsense Aidan  +, writes (2 May 2012):
There’s never any justification for verbally abusive behaviour, he shouldn’t try and excuse himself by blaming it on his anger about your issues with your parents. It’s a hard and difficult situation when you’re in conflict with your parents, he should understand that, and that behaving in a rude way towards you won’t help you to move things on towards a better place with your parents. Why do you want him to understand? For your own peace of mind, or because you want him back?
Explain to him that his verbally abusive behaviour was the reason you broke up, and that the situation with your parents is difficult. If you do want to give this relationship another go it’s important to be clear and honest with him. You should ensure that:
•He understands that you’re trying to treat the situation with your parents with sensitivity, and that it’s not about him as much as the problems in your relationship with them that explains why you’re not honest with them. You’ve not said much about your parents so I don’t know if there would be a way to work things through with them to let you be more honest with them.
•Despite that, his verbally abusive behaviour doesn’t help matters.
•Tell him how that behaviour made you feel, and that he can’t try to justify that by blaming you. He should take responsibility when he knows that he’s behaved unreasonably.
•Try to agree upon ways that things could be improved. Would him not blaming you whenever he’s rude help? Did you open up to him about your situation with your parents so that he could properly understand the tricky situation you were in? Talk, listen and prepare to compromise on both sides.
I wish you all the very best.
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