A
female
age
41-50,
*eashalyn1
writes:I have been with my boyfriend for 6 years and we have three beautiful children together. Over the years we've had ups and downs like most couples but recently its been getting worse. I have gained wait since the birth of our last child who is about to be 2 and I cant lose it no matter what I do. Im not huge by a long shot but my boyfriend has lost attraction and interest in me. What can I do to save my relationship I am desperate to save it. He says his problems with me are; we argue too much, my weight gain, and because we are always around each other just no him time. The only thing I want from him is him to show me he cares about me is that too much to ask? I just want to know if I was to walk out right now he would at least try to stop me. I am at my ends trying to lose weight and I have but as fast as I need to so I can prove it to him isn't happening. Someone just please tell me what I can do I am so desperate to save my relationship and mend my broken heart!!
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female
reader, Seashalyn1 +, writes (11 May 2012):
Seashalyn1 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes actually I work at a Walmart and he is a stay at home dad he takes care of our kids, cleans, cooks and everything he's amasing with all he does. At the same time there is always something for me to do as well when I get home and before I go to work I refuse to just sit and be lazy. I just think he is still needing to "sew his oats" so to speak and from time to time he gets that feeling of needing to run but dont we all. I dont know he had a screwed up childhood and his so called parents have really screwed up his emotional level and his ability to love or trust. I guess I should be grateful for what time I've had and deal with it if it ends. We have been working on not arguing and actually getting along. He still tends to be an ass at some point and time thru the day but I'm used to it. I love him so I guess in all relationships you have to take the good for the bad.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (9 May 2012):
 Ok… I’m much more comfortable with you wanting to lose a bit for you. At 5’3” 130 may be too low for you… it depends on your musculature, your bone density and how you carry the weight. At 5’2” I am skeletal at 135 pounds.. but my bones and muscles are heavy and dense. I would like to be around 143 so I am constantly battling 7-9 pounds… ugh…
WHAT HE THINKS you should EAT and WEIGH is not important. HE THINKS you should weigh 130 and he bases this on what???
You have had 3 children in 6 years… of course you are exhausted and overwhelmed… DO you work OUTSIDE THE HOME too? Does he help with the housework and the kids?
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A
female
reader, Seashalyn1 +, writes (9 May 2012):
Seashalyn1 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI am 5'3 and weight 170. I want to lose weight for me like getting to about 140-45 but he thinks I should get to 130 and I just dont see it happening I dont think I was that when we met so I'm focusing on me right now I just want to feel better about myself with a smaller jean size and breathing easier. Just to have more energy would be nice I get plenty done thru the day probably too much but by the end of the day I just feel give out and I think Im too young for that.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (9 May 2012):
yep you should weigh and measure food
and cheese is high in calories so it adds up fast...
low fat string cheese is good but only once maybe twice a day
focus on lean protein (fish and poultry) fruits and veggies.
make sure your grains and complex carbs are whole
stay away from WHITE... no white flour, no white sugar no white rice (brown rice) now white potatoes (sweet potatoes have better nutrition)
half the plate should be veggies
one quarter complex carbs
one quarter protein...
and we need a LOT less food than we think we do... portions over the years have crept up...
here's info on this:
http://www.dadehealth.org/downloads/HealthyYouPortionSizes.pdf
and from NIH here in the USA is a page that can give you an idea of portions.. there are TWO quizzes and it's very interesting and enlightening..
http://hp2010.nhlbihin.net/portion/
Personally honey are we talking 5-10 pounds or 30-50 pounds... because that's a huge difference... I know I needed to lose 120 pounds... now i want to lose about 10... because I did lose the weight...
are you wanting to lose the weight for YOU or for him?
for you, I get it and that is ok even if it is just 5-10 pounds... no matter how much as long as it's for you...
if it's just to please him no matter how little it's wrong..
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (9 May 2012):
 Buy a food scale and use it to measure portion sizes. A small amount of cheese is fine, it's just that most people have no idea what a serving size looks like. With cheese, it's about the size of a pair or dice.
You can eat things you like, you have to watch the portion size. Buy that scale and use it and you'll become educated as to portion sizes. For example, a plate of pasta in most restaurants holds about 5-6 servings. It's presented as one meal but it it is WAY more food than you actually should eat in a sitting.
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan  +, writes (9 May 2012):
Cheese is good for you, it is a great source of protein and calcium. It does also contain fat though, so moderation is the order of the day, eating cheese is fine, just not in large quantities. But definitely don’t stop eating cheese because you’d be taking a lot of goodness out of your diet. What’s more, string cheese is amongst the better forms in terms of lower fat content, plus you can get low-fat versions of many of the most common cheeses. So enjoy your cheese!
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A
female
reader, Seashalyn1 +, writes (9 May 2012):
Seashalyn1 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI will try to east 3 meals a day even if small snacks or so. I do have a question regarding cheese I love cheese and could eat on anything or just the string cheese but he complains that eating cheese is one of my problems....which is it? cheese ok or no??
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (8 May 2012):
Eating more frequently would help you. How overweight are you? Is he being unreasonable? Personally I would not tolerate a man who was that picky about my weight…
If you don’t’ eat frequently enough your body thinks you are in a famine and holds on to everything.
Eat well rounded well balanced small meals 3 times a day with smaller snacks (hard boiled eggs or some cheese are fav snacks of mine) in between…
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (8 May 2012):
Are you actually overweight? However you might feel about your weight, if you don’t have anything to lose it’s not just going to fall off. Ask any dieter: if you make a big change to your lifestyle and you are very overweight, you’ll lose weight initially very quickly, then the rate of weight loss will slow down and eventually your weight will stabilise. But if you don’t need to lose weight, and you’re already following a healthy lifestyle, you’re not going to lose the pounds. The goal of healthy living is about maintaining weight, and ensuring you are not deficient in nutrient groups through a balanced diet. It sounds like you’re doing everything right, but you really do need to focus on weight management and maintenance, not losing more and more. And being superslim isn’t a quick fix for your relationship.Just a couple of general health points though that I might as well put up there for interested readers:1) Stop eating one meal a day, eat 2 or 3 smaller meals a day. The less regularly you eat, the more energy your body clings on to and stores. Therefore it’s actually counterproductive to weight loss or maintenance to miss meals. Eat smaller portions, more regularly.2) Have a low fat, and low carbohydrate diet. You need a bit of everything, but don’t eat too much fat or carbohydrates. Tip: Eat some meat, fish, or dairy and egg products. They’ll give you both the fat and protein that you need. You can also get protein from pulse vegetables, a useful additional source and an important alternative source for vegetarians who risk protein deficiency if they don’t eat the right foods to compensate for consuming no, or less, animal products. It is a myth though that vegetarians cannot eat a balanced diet. As for carbohydrates, you’ll get them from fruit and vegetables, which means you can cut down on bread, sugary foods, and junk foods like crisps, which often contain a lot of salt as well which is bad for blood pressure. Dr. Atkins made a fortune promoting a diet (by the way any miracle diet is useless) which, stupidly, encouraged a high fat intakes coupled with consuming almost no carbohydrates. Research indicates that this diet may be dangerous, because it was too extreme, but it is true that carbohydrate intake is often too high in people with weight issues and so sensible monitoring of your carbohydrates is a good idea. Crackers make a nice substitute for bread, by the way, for that quick and convenient lunch.To summarise, therefore, you really do need to focus less on losing weight, and more on living a healthy lifestyle. Everyone’s body is different, and you might not even need to lose more weight. If you can’t lose any more weight without resorting to dangerous and ultimately useless crash diets or trying to miss meals altogether, you need to work on coming to terms with the weight that you’re currently at. Have a balanced diet and do as much exercise as you can, because it’s good for you in so many ways, but don’t view weight management as an endless race to the bottom where you need to lose as much as possible. Your body is its own best judge.
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A
female
reader, Seashalyn1 +, writes (8 May 2012):
Seashalyn1 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYou know I wish I knew what would help me. I've heard drink water, watch what I eat, exercise, try to get more "regular", and so on. I know one problem I have is I only eat about one time a day if that but I dont get hungry and I dont really have time. I never turn down any suggestions though because until I know what works for me Ill try anything I dont even like medicine but Ive tried the lipozene I dont think that really worked though because you're supposed to take 3 or 4 times a day 30 mins before u eat but I just dont eat.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2012): Everyone's body is different, my cholesterol is a litte on th high side, I've never had a weight problem but one day I decided to stop eating pork and beef, I wouldn't eat anything with high fructose corn syrup or aspartame, I was a label reader, after doing that for about a month I was loosing weight like crazy, people at work would say are you loosing weight, I had to start back eating anything and everything to get my weight back.
Hope this help
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A
female
reader, Seashalyn1 +, writes (6 May 2012):
Seashalyn1 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank everyone for your opinions and advice. For those who ask what we argue about...I really dont know. I think we argue when he's in a bad mood and snaps over everything and when I am feeling unappreciated and start to ask for some him time. When we are in these moods (which is alot while we are struggling) we can argue about anything and most is stupid stuff! And to the guys you couldnt even believe how much I know he is stressed being a father of 3. He is actually a stay at home dad and we have no car so either its him and the kids while im at work or grocery shopping we are all here in our 1 bedroom apartment. Our kids are 6,5,and 2. He is a remarkable man and father is just an understatement. Our kids worship daddy and him them, he loves to cook (like wants to open a restaurant) and does everything for the kids. We dont have anyone to watch the kids so we dont ever have us time or me time or him time. I am praying to get caught up on bills so I can get a car and we can just get out of the house. His insecurities and pride have been hurt lately by people not understanding how we do things with me working and him at home with the kids. There is so much more to us I guess than I could ever type up. To the women I feel like you say with damn I had your kids you cant just kiss my butt on the weight I might have picked up. I am a good woman and feel good about myself when I step out of my house but insecure in. I dont go anywhere I dont get hit on by someone with houses, cars, jobs, and money but I know where my heart is. Even though I have theses normal female attitudes, emotions, and anger I have to understand the weight and stress bothering him 3 kids or not. He has been with me through good, bad, and ugly. He manned up and took responsibility with the kids. He is an exceptional father but a sucky boyfriend. With the weight he tries to work out with me but he is too hard on alot of things and always gets mad when I cant do a exercise like he wants me to. He has to realize I am almost 30 with 3 kids and new weight I dont know how to manuver in. Hell at least Im trying lol I cant jump right into 30 situps in 5 mins. I dont know I guess we are just gonna be a work in progress at the same time I am forever open for any feedback. with no one around to talk to sometimes i just wanna scream HELP.
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (5 May 2012):
You won’t fix this relationship if it’s all one-way, you making all the changes whilst nothing changes for him. You’ve taken the first important step already, which is to identify what the problems actually are. So many people fail to break all their anxieties down in to a set of specific issues and they therefore have nothing to work on when they try to rebuild their relationships. So let’s take each factor:
1) Arguments. Why do you argue? What things do you argue about? If it’s the 2 other things you refer to in your post, go to the next steps. If there are other things, sit down and discuss how you can form compromises that you can both agree to.
2) Your weight. Having children does take its toll. It does seem unreasonable to complain about your weight when you’ve given him 3 children and are doing all you can to lose weight. I firmly believe that everyone’s body is different and that some people do gain, and lose weight easier than others. Obviously the key to weight management (which is as much if not more about maintaining your weight than losing it) is a balanced diet and exercise. Could you include him in your weight management efforts? For example, could he join you on your exercises? Exercise is good for everyone, not just those trying to lose weight. If you go to a gym, could he come to? Or what about going swimming, or on nice walks as a family? Rather than you trying to lose weight alone, which is very hard, concentrate on a healthy lifestyle for all the family. He will see you’re trying, and you’ll get the support you need, and it’ll feel more like fun and less of a lonely, painful process that makes you stressed and upset.
3) Space. Why not each agree to go out somewhere by yourselves on regular occasions, perhaps meeting up with friends for a night out? If you can agree on how regularly each of you will go out and when, the other can look after the kids. A bit of space is for both people is needed in a healthy relationship. Let him have his “me time,” and have yours too.
I wish you all the very best.
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A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (5 May 2012):
 I think your boyfriend gave you some answers as to how you can save your relationship -- the question is, can you abide and make the necessary changes?
Why not give him some space... With 3 kids in the picture, I am sure he is stressed out and if you are living in tight quarters, I can only imagine how he feels. I know your initial reaction to his unhappiness is to cling harder, but let's face it, he probably feels under a lot of pressure with everything.
Be patient and don't give up on losing weight. Find time to exercise, don't buy junk food, and keep track of the calories you consume (there are free websites such as fitday.com). Your weight didn't accumulate overnight, so don't expect it to go away instantly. It takes time and remind yourself that crash diets and starvation never EVER work! You can safely lose 1 to 2 pounds a week if you monitor your calories and do moderate exercise and still remain healthy. Also, your weight can change, but child bearing can alter a woman's body significantly, so there may be some things that you'll never be able to change. It is something that both of you will have to accept.
Finally, you mention you argue a lot. However, you don't state what you argue about. That is key. If it is endless bickering about "stuff" -- it is no wonder he feels the way he does. Work TOGETHER to find solutions to your problems -- whatever they may be and if necessary enlist the help of a counselor or therapist to help give you the tools so you can communicate better.
In addition, why not do something extra special for your man. Perhaps find a sitter for the kids, make him his favorite meal and have a night to yourselves. It doesn't need to be extravagant -- it just needs to be about kindling what you two had and enjoying one another's company. Make him feel special and that YOU need HIM. If he is a decent man, he'll respond in kind.
Again, be patient. It may take multiple efforts and tactics to reignite the fire you once had but if you are meant to be, you'll find a way to work it out.
Good luck and best wishes...
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (5 May 2012):
You can't really do anything to save it.
The fact that you are doing everything you can to reclaim a body that produced three children in 6 years should be more than enough.
the fact that you gave him three children and he's complaining about your body is insane in my opinion and if he can't by this time see the inside beauty you have and is only interested in your outsides says he's not really mature enough yet to handle a real adult relationship...
If the only reason he's not staying in your weight, I'd let hem go to be honest...
Have you talked to him about it?
Will he go to counseling with you to talk about the problems?
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A
female
reader, mpumie  +, writes (5 May 2012):
 Man r not like women. U have 3 kids in 6yrs and ur leaving together before marriage all of this is too much for him. My advice to save your relationship is sit with him and let him know how u feel. Just give some space. Start something different like changing yo wardrobe. It doesn't mean when u gain some weight its a sin. Man are very stupid. If u start loving yoself and put yourself first u will see some changes. Man love a challenge and looking good and acting like someone will for sure bring him closer to u. Women must stop living their lives for man. Love him but don't let your life revolve around hi.
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