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... Send *rPsych a private message | | | *rPsych's profile:Hello, I am a 39 year old psychologist from Witney, UK. I am married with one little boy, and I work part-time. I have been answering questions on DearCupid for a couple of years as I think it is an important resource. |
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I'm getting married and she wants to be my secret love affair!
Q. first and foremost, i am straight,engaged to a beautiful man whom i have shared my life with for the past 4 years. 2 years ago, i met this really attractive woman at a party, she is my friend's cousin and because she is working in the same line and ...
A. 5 July 2009: You are right, it is totally screwed up. I suggest you post-pone the wedding as you seem carried away by the ceremony. Marriage is supposed to be a life-long faithful commitment, although the divorce rates in most countries indicate this isn't so ... (read in full...)
Brother's friend..wants phone sex but is that all he wants from me?
Q. I need someone else's perspective on my situation. I met my brother's friend 4 years ago at a bar. Nothing happened but I was attracted. As they both are in the army, our paths crossed briefly over the years but nothing went further than jus...
A. 2 July 2009: Distance relationships can be tough going at the best of times. This guy may like you or he maybe just addicted to phone sex - it saves him ringing a premium rate number for kicks doesn't it? I don't mean to be harsh but his secretive behaviour ... (read in full...)
Why do I attract psychos?
Q. Ok, so maybe this is more so of a venting session than a question. Why do I attract PSYCHOS???!!! They always have a problem or a chip on their shoulder, they like to act like they're a "victim" when they have serious issues! They lie constan...
A. 1 July 2009: When I was in University and afterwards I met my fair share of strange folk...it comes with the higher-education territory I guess! You have my sympathy. Old age has now set in and I am less receptive to taking on board charity cases and their ... (read in full...)
My husband is violent with me but then HE cries and says sorry!
Q. Hey So a couple of months ago my fiance and I (we live together and have a year old baby girl) had a really bad fight and he grabbed me around the throat, quite tightly. Afterwards he started crying and said that we had to break up because he's ...
A. 1 July 2009: There is only one way that you can stop this man from hurting you (and your child). You must leave him because forgiving his behaviour and remaining in the relationship sends a clear message to him that it is 'accepted'. By leaving you give him the ... (read in full...)
Assertive dating techniques - jump at opportunities to define what is acceptable
Q. Hi.. so im generally good with the confidence and self esteem thing - but lately im paying more attention to it, as i go after high quality game... Scenario: recently i went on a date, left her alone the next day (i have a life/etc) - nex...
A. 30 June 2009: Don't agree...you are a 30-something and way past this sort of adolescent game-playing and childishness. You say in your post you are going after 'high-quality game'...the woman isn't a piece of meat and if you carry on dating with such a combative ... (read in full...)
He sends and receives dirty texts from random women and tells me this is normal behaviour!
Q. My bf (we've been together 5 years) looks at porn on the internet a lot (which I don't mind) BUT he also checks out adult dating sites, uses adult text messaging services to send/receive dirty texts to random women (including naked pics and texts ...
A. 29 June 2009: His double standards are hardly the basis for a long-term relationship - he can send texts but you cannot! Personally it seems really odd - sending dirty text messages to strangers is down there in the league of those desperate sad middle-aged men ... (read in full...)
My partner is stalking me and I'm really scared for my safety.
Q. I really dont know what to do. About 3 years ago my partner started popping up in places he shouldnt have been like my cousins house - I'd never taken him there. Soon after this I noticed a group of people -mainly men in their 40's and 50's ...
A. 28 June 2009: A few years ago I experienced stalking from someone who was looking for a relationship - the silent phone calls, his car parked by my flat, him knowing things about my whereabouts that he shouldn't, him trying to buy a flat in my block to check up ... (read in full...)
Is slating about her boyfriend to me a sign that she likes me?
Q. I like this girl, she's real cute and all and i'm getting the vibe that she likes me too. She's not single but she was telling me that her boyfriend is an 'insensitive p***k'. How should I take this?Is she saying this because she likes me and wou...
A. 28 June 2009: I agree with Busdriver...whether she likes you or not is irrelevant. If she thinks her boyfriend is rubbish, why is she dating him? Criticising him in public says so much more about her as a person than it does about her wicked, insensitive ... (read in full...)
What advice should I give to my friend who doesn't know where she stands?
Q. Hey! My best friend is 'seeing' a guy. She really likes him but he gives her mixed signals. They have gone on about 10 dates over 2 months. and i think after about 3 dates you know weither you want to be boyfriend and girlfriend and comiit o...
A. 28 June 2009: It just sounds like your friend is looking for a full-on sort of relationship with a man who is looking for something more casual. I think you know this already from your own experience and you are right - when men are very interested, they make ... (read in full...)
I don't know whether to keep this baby or not... any advice gratefully received.
Q. hiya, right ok on the 24th of april this year i had a miscarriage afterward we used condoms as a form of protection (I'm virtually married and we are very happy and have two children already). On the 6th of may we had sex but the condom broke, I ...
A. 19 June 2009: No one here can tell you whether to keep your baby or not, as it is an entirely personal decision since you will be the one left holding the baby! Many children are conceived accidently and it doesn't sound like you are in a diabolical situation ... (read in full...)
Everything's falling apart. What should I do?
Q. I am getting to a really bad point in my life where i just feel like completely breaking down. I feel as though noone ever wants to listen to me, like yesterday for instance i was trying to help my boyfriend and his friend out and they just talked ...
A. 19 June 2009: People will treat you how you allow them to treat you...if your boyfriend does not pay you any respect or show interest in what you have to say, leave him for someone who does or enjoy single life. As for paying off his debts, what is that about? It ... (read in full...)
My mom is on a course set for destruction..please how can I help her?
Q. im sorry that this isnt a relationship question. but i need some sort of advice, i already know my mum needs some serious help but there is nothing she will do! im now 17, but when i was 3, my mum and dad had been together for 11 years, they were ...
A. 19 June 2009: I think this is a dreadful situation for any young person to find themselves in. Your mother requires urgent medical care and the whole family need support. I suggest you find the telephone number of social services in the phone directory and ring ... (read in full...)
We've never met..should we meet a theme park?
Q. Is this a bad idea? Recently I met a girl through a dating website. I think we both have a lot of things in common and our friendship has grown over the past few weeks. We arranged to meet up last week, but a couple of nights before hand she ...
A. 18 June 2009: Personally I don't think it would be a good idea as you are only just getting to know the girl. If you have your sister alongside and her friends are there, it could all be too much tension for a casual date situation. I think you should ask her out ... (read in full...)
She's screwed in the head. Why does she do his?
Q. This is not help for me, i just really want to know what you guys think is going on in this girls head. I guess im usual old curious george. I know it has absolutely nothing to do with me, but ive been dragged into the situation and so has my ...
A. 17 June 2009: Honestly, the girl sounds like an attention seeker. She doesn't mind about using and abusing people so long as the light keeps shining on her. Probably deep down she is neither happy with her ex or her current boyfriend. There will be a reason for ... (read in full...)
The father says he wants to be involved with the baby, but makes no effort
Q. Hey, Well I have a beautiful 7 month old baby boy named Alexander He wasn't planned, his father wanted me to have an abortion and because i couldnt we ended up breaking up... I always said to him that if wanted to walk away he could.... But he s...
A. 13 June 2009: I think the whole issue of access needs to be ironed out now while your baby is very young. You don't say in your post if the father is paying you any child support for your baby. You may not want confrontation with your ex but for the stability of ... (read in full...)
Molested by my father's friend
Q. I'm calling out for help here. I am a 17 yr old girl. I live with my dad, my mom died a couple of years ago. My dad drinks alot and sometimes he hits me, I cant talk to him about anything, but I need to approach him about something that happened to ...
A. 13 June 2009: You should tell your father, but he may not be as supportive as you would hope given that he is an abuser himself. What you have suffered is a sexual assault/ rape and this needs to be reported to the police. This is not only for yourself, but if ... (read in full...)
Have had two abortions and I used to smoke weed, can I still get pregnant?
Q. I am 21 and my boyfriend is 30. I have had two abortins in my life I use to smoke weed but I have stop now. My boyfiend still smokes weed we have been trying to have a baby for about 8 months now. It is getting realy stressful he wants to go an...
A. 4 June 2009: There is every chance that you can have a baby but you both need to make lifestyle changes - smoking anything at the time of conception and during pregnancy can have major health and behavioural consequences for mother and baby. Furthermore, there ... (read in full...)
Am I being crazy unfair or just delusional?
Q. I am getting married shortly to a man with 3 children. The children do not live with him and all have different mothers but they visit all the time. I have one child who is at boarding school. I would like another child with my husband to be. I am ...
A. 4 June 2009: If you go ahead with the marriage, get a prenuptial agreement before hand in case things don't work out. They are increasingly respected in UK divorce proceedings by the courts. I recommend this since there seems a financial difference between you ... (read in full...)
I keep having terrible nightmares, does anyone have any idea why?
Q. Hi, strange question.... I'm not one that has dreams, but lately i have been having nightmares at least 3 times a night.... They will be about unhappy people, or death, being murdered, i have even had one of giving birth to dead baby.... Which is ...
A. 4 June 2009: You will have dreamed in the past as most people do when they are in deep sleep - you just don't remember this when you wake up. Your nightmares may indicate a mood disorder, but I would first look at changes in your lifestyle before you go to bed. ... (read in full...)
He's sexy and good looking - but is he the best I can get?
Q. I hate the situation im in. There's only one man out there that i want but i cant give him no one more chances! I was with my ex for 3 yrs on and off. He hasnt been the best hes got commitment issues in the 3yrs we were together. We only ever saw...
A. 4 June 2009: I suspect most people have been in your situation one time or another. You are in lust with his looks, but he has many character flaws as you point out. There will come a time when he gets hair loss, gum disease, a pot belly and a comfy pair of ... (read in full...)
A lover's rectangle? My dentist, his affair, his wife and me!
Q. Dear aunt agony , Last year I chaned my dentist. He is cute and I instantly fell for him . I lost my sleep and apetite , it has been a year now but whenever I see him I get jitters in my knees. Since he is my neighbor , I know he is married. A...
A. 3 June 2009: It is ok to have a crush on your married dentist, not ok to act on it. It suggests you have self esteem issues if you are willing to settle for a fling with a married man when there are plenty of single men out there. If you think root canal is ... (read in full...)
If I fail my next exam mom says I have to finish with my boyfriend!
Q. I dont know what to do. At school I have alwaiis been good at maths and now am failing it as i failed my first exam. I have another one coming up in a weeks time and my mum said that if I do not pass it I have to break up with my boyfriend cause ...
A. 31 May 2009: I just wanted to add that I agree with Satin. If you are studying hard on maths everyday and failing at GCSE level then you may need a professional tutor. I would add that you need to talk to your mother about this, but also the maths teacher to ... (read in full...)
I'm terrified of make-up shops, after security strangled me!
Q. Im seventeen, and when i was 13 i did a pretty stupid thing and its hanuted me for the rest of my life. It was they day before my mums birthday, and i was off school because it had been snowing. I went into the city with 3 other girls (my best...
A. 31 May 2009: I think there are a couple of issues here for you to consider. If this shoplifting incident occurred within 3 years then I would be recommending that you see a personal injury solicitor to make a claim for psychological injury. Shop security staff ... (read in full...)
If I fail my next exam mom says I have to finish with my boyfriend!
Q. I dont know what to do. At school I have alwaiis been good at maths and now am failing it as i failed my first exam. I have another one coming up in a weeks time and my mum said that if I do not pass it I have to break up with my boyfriend cause ...
A. 31 May 2009: I appreciate this might seem like the end of the world, but it really isn't! Your mother is just taking an interest in your education and your future - her approach may seem harsh but she is saying 'pass or else' because she cares and doesn't want ... (read in full...)
Does how much you gain during pregnancy reflect the size of your baby?
Q. I was 110 lbs. before pregnancy, and now at 8 months I am 135 lbs. Does how little I have gained mean that my baby will be small? The majority of the weight is what I have gained in the last 2-3 months (if that matters). So what I'm really asking ...
A. 29 May 2009: I am assuming that you have received regular antenatal check ups. At 8 months gestation, a doctor should have flagged up any concerns about foetal development (they can usually determine if a baby is small for dates by ultrasound) or detect problems ... (read in full...)
Is it illegal for a step-brother and step-sister to have a baby together?
Q. is it illegal for a step brother and step sister to have a baby together?...
A. 28 May 2009: If you have no blood-tie between your parents and yourself then it would be legal, but many people would question if it is morally acceptable. It may be very difficult for other family members to understand and if there is a future relationship ... (read in full...)
Why can't I leave my ex - even though he cheated and robbed me??
Q. I WAS DATING A GUY FOR THREE YEARS. He was so nice and he surprised me with gifts and he was the best at first. WE LOVED EACH OTHER ALOT, WELL atleast i know i did. I found out later in the relationship that i had an std...called herpes. I passed it ...
A. 27 May 2009: After everything you have been through it is time to draw a line under that chapter in your life. You have made some unwise decisions in the past and learned some expensive lessons from them. I don't know why you are worrying about this 'bargain' of ... (read in full...)
Having an affair with a married man, and he asks if I love him
Q. I am having an affair with a married man. But its sort of odd. He never calls me, except to book the appointment for our meet. It's been going on for a while, and lately he wants to know if I love him. We share nothing but sex for about two ...
A. 27 May 2009: You say you are not with him for the money, but then it is not clear why you are with him. You clearly recognise this is purely a sexual relationship devoid of any romance. I am sure you are wise enough not to think it can be more than this. If he ... (read in full...)
How can I help my boyfriend with his OCD?
Q. My boyfriend suffers from OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.)i love him so much but sometimes it gets really difficult between us. Take two nights ago, for example, he called me saying that he doesn't deserve me, that he's a loser and that the ...
A. 27 May 2009: Many people with OCD have very poor self confidence brought on by this crippling anxiety disorder. There is a high rate of co-occurrence between mood disorders (depression) and anxiety disorders (such as OCD). I would say there is only one thing ... (read in full...)
Do I walk away from this jerk??
Q. I am a 29 year old woman that has been dating a 37 year old cop for the last 3 1/2 months. He does work alot and his schedule is limited to Sun and Mon when he is off for us to see eachother. We have been seeing eachother on most of the days he is ...
A. 27 May 2009: Being a police officer is a very tough job and the rate of relationship breakdown in this profession is extremely high. It is perhaps inevitable that aspects of work life including some of the extreme incidents that maybe witnessed could affect a ... (read in full...)
Pregnancy tests keep coming back negative...will only a blood test work for me?
Q. Hi, i missed a period three weeks ago and a week i went to a clinic for a urine test, it came back negative. A few days later i took a HPT, negative again and a week later i took another HPT negative again. I went into hospital today and they too...
A. 27 May 2009: There are rare conditions that cause urine tests to show up as false negative (i.e. you are pregnant but the test indicates you are not). However, this is rare. Urine tests for pregnancy have a very good rate of sensitivity after you have missed a ... (read in full...)
Still a virgin after 11 months of marriage, how do I overcome the pain of intercourse?
Q. i am married for 11 months and been with husband for 6 yrs. still a virgin what can i do to overcome pain...
A. 26 May 2009: As the others have posted, you require some medical investigations. It maybe something really simple that can be corrected without too many problems. An ultrasound would identify if there are any structural abnormalities or medical conditions such ... (read in full...)
I need help to get this man out of my life!
Q. hi all, i posted a question on the 13th sex while i sleep. it is a long story and there is much more to it than that, but i tried again to end the relationship i was focused and 100% sure i was doing the right thing, but he asked me for sex one last ...
A. 26 May 2009: Call the police and report his attempted sexual assault - if he is that persistent with you, other women maybe at risk too. Honestly, you have made the right decision in ending the relationship as he doesn't sound a very nice person. Make it clear ... (read in full...)
In love with a professor...what to do?
Q. Well im an lesbian, and i have given an lady professor some roses. My friend actually did, stating its from me. The professor wanted to see me and i went inside. She started asking me my name and nationality, etc...she then said i could have gone up ...
A. 16 May 2009: I think it is just fundamentally a BAD idea to be dating college staff if you are a student. I think she may have just handled the situation professionally by identifying the student with the crush and not pursuing the issue of a relationship. She ... (read in full...)
Do I need proffesional help?
Q. this sounds pretty silly, but i think i need help. i've tried explaining to my mum how i feel about things and i said to her that i need to speak with someone proffesionaly but she just laughed and said i was a teenager and that i would feel like i ...
A. 16 May 2009: Your question is anything but daft. To be honest it doesn't sound like you have strong role-models in your life. If you were my daughter, the clubbing, drinking and staying with friends all night just wouldn't happen - not because I am old-fashioned ... (read in full...)
Scars and very self conscious about them
Q. hey i have scars on my legs and knee and i am very self conscious about it especially when its summer and my friends wear skirts because of this i dont like wearing skirts and shorts or going swimming what should i do...
A. 16 May 2009: Go to your GP and ask for a referral to a dermatologist. If there is no suitable medical treatment, they maybe able to suggest make-up suitable for covering scars. Alternatively if you can save the money or have health insurance, laser treatment may ... (read in full...)
I rushed into marriage and now have serious regrets
Q. I met a man 6 weeks ago, and fell head over heels, but I need to mention I just came from a divorce at the end of january. I agreed in a week to marry him, I was stupid. I realize now I made a mistake, this man is very insecure, accusing me ...
A. 8 May 2009: Unfortunately you have found yourself in a relationship with a man who is mentally ill, with a strong history of psychiatric issues. His needs and dependencies are part of the illness but you are not his doctor and have no obligation towards him. ... (read in full...)
Why does he say he has no money when I'm about?
Q. Right, first things first i love my boyfriend very very much and were about to celebrate our 2 yr anniversary however.. He is so selfish and whenever i bring this up he loses it and has a go at me making me feel small and in the wrong. For insta...
A. 8 May 2009: You ask what to do? The answer is quite simple...stop being his cheque book. Stop paying for anything and everything just to please him. I am all for going half in dating, but if he is free-loading off you and being that selfish then it is a huge ... (read in full...)
Why does my step-dad treat me so badly?
Q. I feel as if my stepdad hates me. He married my mum when i was about 16-17. And i had a crazy stepdad before that. But i have always got on with him, it has been my brother that has challenged him and they fought like cat and dog. Now all my stepd...
A. 8 May 2009: If life at home is that miserable then I suggest you start looking towards building a life independent of your family. I hated living at home as a teenager as I didn't get along with my mother too well and our relationship improved after I left. ... (read in full...)
My ex is beginning the process of stalking.
Q. My ex is beginning the process of stalking. The only reason there hasn't been any physical contact is because his son is in town, but only for 2 more days. I am scared. He has a short fuse. I know any response even negative (i.e.: changing my phone ...
A. 7 May 2009: It most certainly is enough to contact the police. Stalking is a very serious matter and I know - I had to change my phone number once to get rid of a pest! Basically the police cannot help you unless you seek help...by remaining silent you are ... (read in full...)
Head over heels in love with a guy who doesn't love me back
Q. I don't know what to do with myself anymore. I've tried eveything possible but i can't help it, i am totally head over heels in love with this guy that clearly doesn't love me back. He could make me the happiest girl in the world if only he loved ...
A. 7 May 2009: You write that if he loved you, then you would be the happiest girl in the world...sadly that is not true, the only person who can make you happy is YOU. Inner contentment is the first step to finding a lasting and loving relationship with someone ... (read in full...)
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