A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My bf (we've been together 5 years) looks at porn on the internet a lot (which I don't mind) BUT he also checks out adult dating sites, uses adult text messaging services to send/receive dirty texts to random women (including naked pics and texts about what they'd do to each other if they met up)! He tells me this is normal behaviour for any guy and that I shouldn't be upset by it 'cos he loves me, wants us to have a family, would never actually meet the women, it's just a game, etc I try not to let it hurt me and make me feel insecure but it does, even though I don't think he's ever physically cheated... is he right? Should I just chill out about it?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2009): Oh my.....ive seen this so many times before......well sadly some men have the need to conquest. They need to get that attention from as many women as they can. They see it as their right as men and they dont see it as wrong. And so they justify lying to you. (Women can be just as bad, i mean these men are not talking to imaginary women are they?)I have sat with male friends and heard them talk about how they speak to their partners. They even compare notes, "yeh man, just deny it, it always works". I was also friends with a couple that came to parties, and when he would drop her home, he always came back without her and she never knew. (Usually when the party was full of single women).Now not all people are like that. Most of my good friends are considerate, gentle and amazing husbands to their wives. My point is, actions speak louder than words, and if you are asking this question in the first place then you know in yourself that you have these doubts for a reason. A partnership means working to always ensure feeling loved and secure on both sides, and we all deserve nothing less.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2009): ok that is wrong i am a guy and would NEVER do that to my gf she means the world to me. i trust that she would never do anything like that to me you need to have a talk with him and tell him STOP or we are over, if he really does love you he will agree but may fuss about it a little bit, and tell him he is always welcome to dirty talk or text you anytime
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2009): Yes its me again LOL.
Ta for hugs.
Just like you everything was lovely and our sex life was bril, and now I'm always wondering if he was thinking about THEM when we were making love , It makes me feel sooo dirty.
Tough his depressed. Good let him get on with it.
You stay strong hun.
And remember he brought all this on himself, and not one little bit of it was your fault.
Good luck and take care x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2009): That is a huge red flag to me. I dated a man who did much of the same. I dated him for 2 1/2 years (we broke up last summer). When I was dating him, I excused a lot of things. He also texted women who were co-workers and sent dirty jokes and pictures and tried to tell me this was "normal" and that he was just treating them like any of his men friends.
The longer I have been away from him and out of that situation, I look back in horror at all the things he did. I can never be friends with him now, and I never want to see him again or even think about him.
I think when you are involved in a relationship, you sometimes have blinders on and don't see things as they really are. I am really afraid to meet anyone else even though I am lonely. I am scared that I might meet someone like him, and not realize it until I'm already involved.
Good luck to you--don't put up with ANYTHING that makes you feel uncomfortable or that you don't think is right.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2009): (Original poster) Thanks again and big hugs back at ya! The thing that's got me confused is that our sex life was great along with everything else... I wish he hadn't messed it all up. Now he's calling me every day, saying he's depressed 'cos I might leave blah blah. I'm getting stronger each day and hope you all are too. x
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A
female
reader, MansonGroupie  +, writes (30 June 2009):
 The hardest thing is letting go. Once you've taken this step, you'll hurt for a while but will ultimately feel stronger and better about yourself.Don't ever, ever think that there's anything wrong with you! He's got a problem and a complete lack of respect for you...He needs help, failing that, he needs to stay single because he isn't deserving of anybody's love!You've put up with a lot, be proud and, to repeat what I've already said (of sorts), do NOT blame yourself!Take care.xx
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2009): Me again, going through the same as you.There is nothing wrong with you, its him, its his problem. He wanted to do it and he did. He didn't think of you or your feelings, believe me his NOT worth the bother.I thought the same as you, what was wrong with me for him to do such a thing. I spent weeks raking it over in my mind, then I realised it was NOT my fault and there was nothing wrong with me.Please don't beat yourself up over it, his not worth it.Take care and good luck.So wish I could hug you, but can't so sending you lots of big hugs
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2009): Me again, going through the same as you.There is nothing wrong with you, its him, its his problem. He wanted to do it and he did. He didn't think of you or your feelings, believe me his NOT worth the bother.I thought the same as you, what was wrong with me for him to do such a thing. I spent weeks raking it over in my mind, then I realised it was NOT my fault and there was nothing wrong with me.Please don't beat yourself up over it, his not worth it.Take care and good luck.So wish I could hug you, but can't so sending you lots of big hugs
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2009): (Original poster) Thanks for your advice and telling me about your experiences. It's so hard to let go of what you thought you had... Sorry to hear you've been through this stuff too. Makes me wonder what is so wrong with me that he felt the need to do all this!
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A
female
reader, MansonGroupie +, writes (30 June 2009):
My ex partner did pretty much the same thing, apart from the fact that he did it by letter...a sort of 'kinky pen-pal' if you will.I didn't know anything about it until curiosity got the better of me and I read the letters, that's when I discovered that they'd met up while I was away on holiday and, yes, they did sleep together!The letters were terribly graphic and sickened me to my stomach.I wrote to this girl and told her all about us and was quite nasty about it, which I'm not proud of as she knew nothing about me. It wasn't her fault.It made me feel better at the time but I had to get out of the relationship a year or so later because the trust never returned.If you want your relationship to work, don't get in touch with this girl, it won't make any difference. He was the one in the wrong and you need to be sure that he truly doesn't want to do this kind of thing anymore.I personally couldn't forgive this sort of behaviour again, it's waaay too painful and makes you doubt your own self-worth.Be happy Hun and please don't allow him to drag you down.xx
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2009): As I said before I went through the same as you.Firstly how do you know for sure his never met any of these women. I wouldn't take his word for it, even if he does beg and cry for you to believe him.Ok so his cut up his sim cards, so what he can get another one. My one smashed up the computer (he was going on msn and messaging these people as well) he cut up his sim card and he swore on his young sons life that he would never do anything like that again. But he did. We went to relate for months, he cried and begged me to give him a second chance. So like a MUG I did. Then my mother was taken seriously ill, I went to stay with her for two nights. I got a gut feeling he'd been up to something, so I checked the search engine on the new computer and yes he'd been up to his old tricks. I also hacked into an email address I found on the computer history, as I knew it must have been his and yes its was. He had made it a few weeks after we had agreed to try again. He kept denying that any of it was his, he even tried to say it was one of my daughters, seeing as they don't live at home I knew that was a lie. Then he got a blackberry phone from his work and yes he started getting emails, he had given out his work email address, even though he knew if his company found out he would be sacked straight way.He excuse was " I WAS BORED"The reason I've written all this, is so you can see they always manage to deceive us one way or another.I contacted a few of the people he'd been perving with, but all they say is, you've got a wrong number or hang-up, you won't get anything out of them. So personally I wouldn't bother.I know how much this is all hurting you, and how much you love him, but your never get that trust back. One good thing going for you is that you don't live with him, so at least you've got your own space.Think long and hard, can you really forgive him and can you ever trust him again.Please lets us know how it all goes, and I wish you all the luck in the world with whatever you decide to do.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2009): (Original poster) thanks for the advice. I think I know deep down that it's not right and that's it's ok for me to be annoyed! I did sit down and talk to him... he says he does it when he feels "lonely and bored" (we don't live together, see each other at weekends" and that he'd never actually meet them. He was v upset, cut up his Sim cards and said he won't do it again... I want to believe him (I love him, or the person I thought he was, and can't imagine being with anyone else) but I don't trust him anymore! I have the number for one of the girls and am tempted to call her to see what happened... should I? Thanks again. x
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2009): Believe me its not NORMAL. Thats how my partner started and of course it led up to meets and full blown sex. And he kept telling me it was normal. Theres a good chance he is or is becoming a sex addict. Get away from him now. LEAVE. He will break your heart time and time again. I know cause it happened to me.
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A
female
reader, DrPsych +, writes (29 June 2009):
 His double standards are hardly the basis for a long-term relationship - he can send texts but you cannot! Personally it seems really odd - sending dirty text messages to strangers is down there in the league of those desperate sad middle-aged men in long macintosh coats that you see scuttling out of 'adult' shops with a brown paper bag under their arm...I didn't think they existed anymore until I met a friend for coffee in soho recently and realised they actually do! Your boyfriend must be terribly bored with the relationship and his life more generally if this is what he does for thrills. It is a terrible reflection on society more generally that people communicate in such an abnormal way with each other. Anyway, your boyfriend wants you to think it is normal because it makes him feel better - he doesn't want to think his behaviour is odd! He does not respect you and you cannot guarantee he will not cheat on you in the future with some random woman offering him sex. I think you already know this deep down and you need to pluck up the courage to dump the cybersex addict for someone more worthy of your attention...but don't wait until you meet that someone, like yourself enough to ditch him now in the certain knowledge that single life is so much nicer than being saddled with an emotionally draining abusive partner.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2009): You know that is not an acceptable behaviour,he does not need to cheat on you physicaly to me he is cheating on you speaking to other women in that adult language is not okay.
How can you have a family and a relationship with a person like that ,sit down with him tell him about how you fell and your insecurities and how his behaviour is hurting you.
You should not chill you must take a stand and tell him to stop this behaviour.
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A
male
reader, Injeopardy  +, writes (29 June 2009):
Uh what he is doing is NOT NORMAL. Sounds like he has some sort of sick addiction.
You need to get rid of him, and if you really don't want to, then tell him he needs to decide between all this foul play or staying with you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2009): Why is it okay for him to text other women but not okay for you to text other men? Because he knows what he is doing is wrong.
Dont put up with his excuses he is showing that he has no respect for you at all. And dont believe for one minute that he wouldnt actually meet these women, wouldnt be surprised if he hasnt already met up with some of them.
Talk to him tell him exactly how you feel and if he cannot respect that then you might have to start thinking about whether you future lies with this man or not.
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A
male
reader, citic101  +, writes (29 June 2009):
 Looking at porn on the net is normal but the other dating sites texting etc isnt . tell him you will not stand for it an tell him to stop .
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female
reader, ilovebowsandcherries +, writes (29 June 2009):
 hell no hun!
this isn't normal when a guy is with a girl in the relationship he shouldn't be talking dirty with other girls.
you need to lay down the line here and make sure he knows who is boss.
he shouldn't be doing that kind of thing at all. he should be spending time with you or texting dirty to you not other girls that is bang out of order.
don't let this go you talk to him about and tell him it's not normal.
hope this helps x ilovebowsandcherries x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2009): (Original poster) I should add that, when he says it's normal behaviour, I ask him how he'd feel if I did it, and he says he would be angry and might in fact leave me!
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A
male
reader, Your friend +, writes (29 June 2009):
 And you believe him? Time for a really good talk and to explore some possible options if his answers aren't good enough.
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