A
female
age
41-50,
*issMelissa
writes:I am a 29 year old woman that has been dating a 37 year old cop for the last 3 1/2 months. He does work alot and his schedule is limited to Sun and Mon when he is off for us to see eachother. We have been seeing eachother on most of the days he is off. We generally go to dinner, have drinks, watch movies etc. He has done thoughtful things in the past but it's like he is very moody and won't be inconveinced with anything. (he refuses to wait on lines, won't drive to far places b/c of traffic) We have been sleeping together for the past two months and have had some bumps in this realtionship. I have been very patient with him as far as taking things to the next level b/c he is not ready for a "committment" b/c he says he needs more time. However, he has not introduced me to his family and refuses to hold hands (he claims it's gay) and I have noticed he barely ever uses my name at all! I am very nice to him, always asking how his day is, listen to him whine about his job. This past weekend, we went to a very nice dinner had a great time, I slept over and he took me to breakfast in the morning. After I left he said he would call me later which he did but I was out with my friends. After my girlfriends and I drank very irresponsibly, especially myself I couldnt drive home. I called him at 12:30 AM and asked him to pick me up since I couldn't drive home and was told no that he was in bed, and had to work the next day, meanwhile he goes into work later than the normal person. I called him back and told him I would take a cab to his house and he said " Do NOT come here" and pretty much hung up. Of course stupid and drunk that I was, i called again and he was sending me to voicemail. He was speaking to me in a harsh tone. He didnt call or text the next day to see if I made it home safe. Was he wrong or was I being too pushy by calling him that late? Does this guy sound like an a--hole b/c he confuses the heck out of me with his highs and lows!
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female
reader, MissMelissa +, writes (28 May 2009):
MissMelissa is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much for your advice!! You are all right,he is is a complete a**hole and has no respect. These are some signs of a typical player that will ignore you if you ask for something and be in the relationship when it is convenient for him! I plan on ignoring him if I see him and if he should call that too. Oh and of course not drinking for a long time!
A
male
reader, GrimmReality +, writes (28 May 2009):
 The best thing you can do is to make him insignificant in all aspects of your life.
Change your cell numbers and delete and block him from emails, texting, etc.
I think your reply is you thinking against hope that he is a good man. And....(also this is not your fault, it is natural)....you want to believe that he is different. That he will just come to his senses and understand that things can be so wonderful.
You have to eliminate all aspects (easier said than done, I realize) of him from your life. I figure in all honesty that in your case that you are probably not going to accomplish this on the first attempt. People rarely do, for as I and a lot of other people will tell you that it takes a while for the heart top catch up to the head.
I understand that. I can only suggest that this relationship will steadily go downhill from here. And you owe it to your self to be with someone who will respect you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2009): I would leave it alone. See if he contacts you and then you could always tell him that you don't really see the point in continuing on with him when he has such little concern for your well being.
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A
female
reader, MissMelissa +, writes (28 May 2009):
MissMelissa is verified as being by the original poster of the questionA friend from the other night called me and said, she heard me say to him on the phone "so you don't care if I am dead or alive? OK that may have sounded "psycho" which turned him off lol. Do i call him and tell him it's over or just leave it alone? And if I do see him out which I will, Do I ignore or say hello? I'm so confused =(
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A
male
reader, GrimmReality +, writes (27 May 2009):
"he drives drunk frequently, parks infront of fire hydrans ALL the time! why? b/c he is arrogant and knows he can get away with it. He is just not a warm person who cares about people's feelings."
Thats why he picked up the phone twice! Thats why he treats you like this...because he can...DONT LET HIM!
You have all the answers you need...Flush this turd
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A
female
reader, MissMelissa +, writes (27 May 2009):
MissMelissa is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your responses. Most of you have cleared some of the questions that have been running through my mind. In all honesty, I really don't think he had another woman there because why would he have picked up the phone both times I called? And called me a few hours before I called him drunk. But, then again, you never know! He has still not contacted me in anway to see if everything turned out ok and I'm glad becasue he proved what a lowlife he is. I understand that he is a cop and has a crazy shcedule but now I am looking at the big picture, he drives drunk frequently, parks infront of fire hydrans ALL the time! why? b/c he is arrogant and knows he can get away with it. He is just not a warm person who cares about people's feelings. I have been very good to him and have done little favors here and there. He could have picked me up this one time, since he goes in to work later and said please don't put me in this situation again, rather than saying go with your friends!! and hang up, that is just not nice.
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A
male
reader, Beingblack  +, writes (27 May 2009):
 While I can sympathise with his work schedule, and being a little annoyed that you were calling him late at night, AND very drunk, that is no excuse for not letting you come over.
Any decent man would have said yes, come to my place, then made you a coffee, and put you to bed.
There are many horror stories of drunk women being raped, taken advantage of, or even abducted by cab drivers. He should be putting your safety first.
Talk to him and tell him your worries.
I wouldn't worry about the hand hand holding and names.
Everyone is different. I love my girl, but hate holding hands! We link arms instead. And although we have been together for 17 years, I call her by surname, she calls me by mine.
Talk to him. He is supposed to protect and serve after all. As a police officer in a stressful job, this may be the only way that he feels comfortable about displaying his emotion in a relationship.
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A
female
reader, DrPsych +, writes (27 May 2009):
 Being a police officer is a very tough job and the rate of relationship breakdown in this profession is extremely high. It is perhaps inevitable that aspects of work life including some of the extreme incidents that maybe witnessed could affect a person and their ability to relate to others in their personal life. That might explain his off-hand behaviour with you. Having said that, if this guy was really into you and cared about you then he would have picked you up. In many ways his job would sensitise him to the fact that a drunk woman out late at night on her own would be vulnerable to all sorts of predators. Previous boyfriends and my husband have rescued me from some awkward situations late at night when they had work in the morning - it is a sign that they care about you. Ultimately you have to take responsibility for yourself in terms of drinking too much while out in public. This man doesn't have any personal responsibilty for you but his reluctance to collect you, albeit grumpily, is a bad sign in my book. The fact he never bothered to find out if you are alive or dead afterwards is also a VERY BAD SIGN.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2009): I agree with the others about you not being the only one he's seeing. Especially the not using your name thing- I have a friend that married a cop and they are known for seeing multiple women and that's a common trick they have- just don't use the name at all so you never get 'em mixed up. He hasn't introduced you to anyone because you are probably not his main girl. He doesn't hold your hand because he is worried someone might see and tell his girlfriend. He probably was not alone when you called. He doesn't want to commit to you even though your having sex because he's probably already committed to someone else. Also, it sounds like he uses his job as a way to disappear on you or explain blocks of time he is unavailable- cops that are seeing more than one woman use this a lot. Like the other aunt said, if you were his main girlfriend, he'd be there to pick you up immediately if you were drunk, no matter what the time. He didn't call you later or the next day because he was with his girlfriend, this is what I mean by having chunks of time where he is either unavailable or you don't hear from him.
Honey, you are WAY missing the big picture here.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2009): From what you have said, no holding hands, visiting his family, etc., sounds to me that he is in another relationship. If he was really your bf he would be there for you even if you were drunk and disorderly.
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A
male
reader, GrimmReality +, writes (27 May 2009):
Lets look at this honestly.
1) wont hold hands with you in public, and says it's gay?
Red Flag....I'd kill to hold my lady's hand walking down the street. It's the most common PDA on the planet outside of kissing.
2) being a police officer and knowing his GF is drunk and wanting a ride. THEN sending you to VM after you left a message that you wanted to take a cab over? This is a cop who I am sure has first hand knowledge of responding to a DUI accident scene at least ONCE in his career? He of all people should be more than willing to help you out, especially in that situation and his occupation.
3) dating for this long and he does not want to take it to the next level?
Sweety something is not right.
Not only is he an asshole, those are signs that you may not be the only one that he is a boyfriend to.
Could he perhaps be so adamant about you not coming over because perhaps someone else was there?
I can't say for certainty that this is the case, but this behavior is not of someone who is supposed to be your BF. Just my opinion, but I feel it better not to sugarcoat anything to you, as people deserve what they may NEED to hear as opposed as what they WANT to hear.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2009): No, I don't think he was the jerk! When we drink "irresponsibly" we make fools out of ourselves! Believe me, I have done it too many times to count. I am not judging you at all!
Give him the benefit of the doubt...he was being the responsible one!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2009): I don't think you are the only woman he's seeing. The not calling you by your name is so he doesn't mix up the names. The not ready for a commitment thing is also another tell-tale sign he's probably juggling more than one woman. There's way too many red flags here.
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