A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:HeySo a couple of months ago my fiance and I (we live together and have a year old baby girl) had a really bad fight and he grabbed me around the throat, quite tightly. Afterwards he started crying and said that we had to break up because he's scared he really hurts me. We talked through it and made up. A few weeks after that we had another fight. This time when he grabbed my throat, he shoved my head into a cupboard. Again he cried and said that he wasn't this person. We made up and "all was forgotten". Yesterday we had a really bad fight. I started bashing my head against the cupboard and he grabbed my face and hit me (flat handed) in the face. My eye is now swollen. But the same thing happened. HE cried and said he hated himself and he can't live with himself. We're still together and love each other. Our lives are stressful and busy. He's studyng and working, I'm trying desperately to find a job. We live in a flat attached to his uncles house, where we have to share a bedroom with our daughter, so our sex life is boring and routine (it does affect our relationship) So my question is... DOes anyone know how I can help my fiance and stop him from doing this to me and himself? Our daughter and myself are all he has...
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2009): You cannot help him stop his violent behavior; he needs professional help. He's told you he's afraid he will hurt you really bad. Do you want your daughter to not have a mother? Why is it okay for him to treat you this way? What if he choked you and you died, ended up in the morgue? How would you feel when your daughter grows up without a mother? Or what if he choked your daughter instead? I am being harsh because it is a terrible situation that you're in. Wake up and take action. He told you already that he doesn't trust himself,why do you trust that he won't hurt you again?
Best of luck to you, please make the right decision today.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2009): hi,im so depressed when i read your problem so i would like to give you some advice. First, i think you should bring your fiance to the psychologist and find out what kind of mental problem he has. Maybe he has a personality disorder. Also, i suggest you go to a lawyer to make agreement to mention that he never hits you again. The last solution is that you could leave him alone, for you and your daughter's safety (im afraid he will hit your daughter sooner). You should'nt give him another chance. Its enough for your body being hit.
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A
female
reader, Karlin24  +, writes (1 July 2009):
 Well first, I'll say LEAVE or kick him out. It will only get worse, and he's proved it. If you insist on being insane and stay with him, he may have a chemical imbalance and should see a doctor about his aggression problems. Also there are support groups for men that have these problems. Don't know if they work, but if you're gonna be stupid, you'd better get help. Even if he feels terrible afterward, that doesn't excuse it. This WILL get worse. I know, been there. It ended with Protection Orders, arrests, damaged vehicles, threats to my family, and a fractured skull (and that was just one week of it). If he truly wants to change, he'll move out, get help, and understand why it's not safe for you or the baby to be with him right now. Unfortunately, very few leopards change their spots, and you are risking your life by staying with him. Keep me up to date. Been there.
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A
female
reader, betty_black  +, writes (1 July 2009):
 I dont care if you are all he has, a man should NEVER hit a woman and noone should hit a child! I'd steer clear, this wont get any better, trust me ive been in the situation myself. And the crying is what they do, its a way of controlling you so you believe they didnt mean it and dont leave, well i wouldnt be controlled anymore if i was you. If you really want to put up with having your head shoved against cupboards and being strangled then carry on in the relationship, wait until your daughters older and something she does pisses him off, he'll start on her too. Or she'll witness the carnage every day.
Hell, i would have left the first time he hit me if i was you. Dont be stupid and naive and stick around because he makes you take pity on him, he is not the victim here, YOU ARE and your daughter will be. So move out of there while you still have chance. Dont be a fool.
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A
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reader, DrPsych +, writes (1 July 2009):
 There is only one way that you can stop this man from hurting you (and your child). You must leave him because forgiving his behaviour and remaining in the relationship sends a clear message to him that it is 'accepted'. By leaving you give him the opportunity to realise what he is losing and you should state clearly that there can be no family reunion until he has received treatment in a domestic violence programme. Men abuse women for a number of reasons but they are usually centred around issues of control and personal insecurity. Ultimately as a parent you have a responsibility towards your baby girl far above this man. Quite apart from ruining her childhood by making her see your violent relationship, she is directly at risk from this man because woman-abusers can also be child-abusers. During official inquiries into non-accidental death of children there is an astonishing rate of known domestic violence in these households. If your daughter sees your acceptance of violence later in her life, she is at risk of antisocial behaviour herself or entering a domestic-violence prone relationship with a man as a young adult. As for you, the violence will only get worse and worse because you are living with a coward who uses his physical strength to control and manipulate you into doing what he wants. This is not about your sex life because most women feel awkward about sex after a baby comes along. You cannot fix this man without help of professionals but you can assert your right to a life without violence for you and your daughter by leaving.
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A
female
reader, ilovebowsandcherries +, writes (1 July 2009):
 hun you need to talk to someone about this you can't stay with him if he keeps doing that to you no matter if you guys are his only family left.
you can't bring up your daughter in that type of environment it's not fair on her and whose to say he won't turn and start hitting her as well as you? or do something else.
he just keeps getting away with this if he says he isn't that type of person then he needs to get major help otherwise he'll wind up alone with nothing.
i know you love him but you don't hurt the ones you love you care for them and look after certainly don't strangle them or hit them in there face.
you either need to get out of there and save yourself and your daughter or get him some help pronto!
this isn't good influence on your daughter she'll pick up on the violence and know it's not right what he's doing to you so you need to do right by your child.
whether or not you are his only family he needs to sort out his issues before getting into a relationship where he is violent.
think of yourself and child for once.
:)
hope this helps hun x ilovebowsandcherries x
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