| A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: first and foremost, i am straight,engaged to a beautiful man whom i have shared my life with for the past 4 years. 2 years ago, i met this really attractive woman at a party, she is my friend's cousin and because she is working in the same line and industry as me we got introduced to each other very quickly. few weeks after the party, i added her on msn and we started chatting.. even through daily emails and text messages.. i knew i was attracted to her and my gut feeling told me the attraction was mutual. i was never attracted to women and have only loved men, so she's my first girl crush (which i'm proud of). true enough my gut feeling was right... she confessed her feelings to me during a dinner and after that we were sort of "in a relationship"(but no sex)... on the other hand, i felt extremely guilty that i actually cheated on my fiancé whom i love deeply..but my feelings for her was not controllable.. it was more like she was manipulating my feelings and i was so drawn to her.a year later, i knew this wouldnt work and i had to pick one to live my life with, so i broke off with her....it was painful to see her crying face and i was glad she took it cool. we kept in touch since but nothing romantic or lovey.7 months later, my fiancé and i finally fixed a date for our wedding (which will be taking place on 10th of aug this year) and we announced to our invited guests (including her). Because of my wedding, she flew back from Germany last week and met up with me and my fiancé for lunch.it was the most awkward lunch i've ever had in my life... even though my fiancé knew nothing about us. on the same night, he had to leave the town so she invited me to her hotel room because she didnt want me to spend my night alone......and we ended up having sex.i don't know how she did it, it just happened. she melted me completely with all the things she said and i was too focused on her i couldnt come up with any excuse to stop her at that moment. she said can never give her blessings to our marriage because it was not what she expected, and she's extremely upset and jealous that he's taking me away.. but nothing would stop her from loving me and she wants to be my secret love affair........she totally screwed my mind and i couldnt stop her.please believe me that i love my fiancé. he means a lot to me and it's a privilege to be his wife. but i love her too. i'd be so devastated and would die if either one leaves me... i know im such a slut. i've tried not talking to her yesterday but couldnt help returning her call at night after i read her text msgs.it kills me not talking to her..... i'll be wed in 35 days' time and im really looking forward to it....somehow the fact that she doesnt mind being my secret love affair makes me feel better.. but my conscience tells me not to do it...im totally screwed up........what should i do??
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affair, cousin, crush, jealous, msn, text, wedding Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, LoveIsRough  +, writes (12 September 2009):
 Don't have sex with her...Just masturbate with her...But cheating isn't a good idea. Talk to your husband. Ask him how he feels about it. Trust me, guys are pigs. He'll love the idea.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2009): boy do you want your cake and eat it. Firstly i agree with you labels are not needed however in this world we have lots of labels boyfriend, straight, fiance...blah blah and i'm affraid LESBIAN, is another one = and as much as you think you are not a lesbian i'm affraid by your actions you ARE!!!! so wake up and take responsibility for your actions.
I am really not sure if you are even for real as your arguement is a=so lame. Here it is we all have to commint to just the one person. Love is love would you still want either of these people in your life if they loved someone else besides you?
Fact is mate you are being greedy. You weak excuse of her chasing you, wanting you making you feel loved is a jike. Let's hope no-one else shows you some attention or they'll be hundreds in your life by the time your an old lady.
Get real you would have cut contact with this lady ages ago if you didn't want to string her along. Really i think you don't deserve the love of either person.
Let your man go so he can love someone who is free to love him as he deserves.
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A
female
reader, desiree_b  +, writes (9 July 2009):
Here again, the original poster.
if you were in my shoe for just one minute and know exactly how i feel, i'd pray really hard for you to have an idea of what to do next.
i don't know if i am doing the right thing, looks like this is. i will talk to my fiance tomorrow and see if he wants to cancel our wedding. i didnt wish to risk that he might not take it easy but i guess i have to do it...
you're right that i am selfish.i want them both. this is still my wish, but i'll let my fiance make the decision..to leave me or to keep me & her
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2009): well desiree, i have never read a more selfish post. you are not a victim in this love triangle. you created it. you do not want to label yourself sexually at this moment- why? beacuse you don't want to be seen as what bi/lesbian. get this straight, you are not straight. your actions have proved otherwise.
a cheater by any other name is still, just a cheater. when will your selfishness stop. what a coward and what a cop out about loving. you don't know the first thing about loving. if you did you would realise the errors of your way. you are going to f*ck up your fiances life and sadly you do not give a damn. why? because right now, it is all about you. love? no darling, definately not love, obsession yes. you do not deserve your fiance. do the right thing her and stop messing up his life. you are so cruel in wanting it all. how dare you play with this mans life?
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A
female
reader, QuirkLady +, writes (7 July 2009):
 News flash: people chase after unavailable people all the time. People are going to hit on you when you're married all the time. It happens to just about every married person out there. If you cannot commit to your fiance just because someone else is interested in you, you should not get married. Marriage means you choosing one above all others.
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A
female
reader, desiree_b +, writes (7 July 2009):
I'm the original poster of this question.I've read every single comment and i can't quite explain how horrible im feeling right now. I know i don't deserve either one of them because all i've done was hurting them and i shouldnt be causing pain to their lives. i cheated on my fiancé, and my woman has to lose her self-esteem to have my love. before i plead you guys for a chance for me to explain my situation, can i just say, i am not a lesbian. i love men, love my fiancé deeply, and even though i am also very much in love with this attractive feminine lady, i do not wish to label myself...not now. my fiancé loves me and i love him every step of the way and will be there for him by his side through all the bad that may come our way. he's like a part of me, and knowing that i could spend the rest of my life with him makes me the happiest woman in the world. this other woman i love, has moved my heart by her strong desire to be with me despite knowing that i'd be taken away very soon.. her courtship was so intense even after i broke up with her i still miss the time we spent together and i dread the moments without her by my side. she has caused quite a stir within myself for the past 2 years..it was a constant battle with who i should be and shouldnt be with. she keeps coming back to me and i feel so vulnerable when she starts pleading me..May i just ask, who doesnt like to be loved? they love me...i feel it.... and it was too hard to turn away. i knew if i hadn't accepted her love in the beginning i wouldnt be so screwed up now. i am just genuinely in love with the both of them...it would be exaggerating to say that not having is like living in a world with no air, but almost as close as that.I can't choose between them.. if i pick my fiancé, i know she'll come back for me.. and i am not ready to lose her. if i pick my girlfriend over my fiancé, i don't know if i have the courage to move on to a new life without him.if i can give my 100% to both lovers, meaning to give my full attention to my fiancé when i am with him, and my 100% when i am with her - is it still very wrong?? im that desperate..
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (6 July 2009):
 If your fiance doesn't know about your attraction to another woman, then you are lying by omission. He's the one who should get to decide if wants to marry a woman who is in love with another woman, and is so confused by it, she has to ask strangers what she should do.
Personally, I think you should call off the wedding for the time being and sort out your feelings.
Here's a place for him to read stories and find support, there are links there too that might be of help to you:
http://www.straightspouse.org/NotAlone.shtml
Look at this from the perspective of how things will be in your marriage 10 years from now. How happy will you both be if you've been dishonest with him from the start?
It's not the end of the world to admit you have feelings for another woman to him--I think that would be a lot fairer on him than trying to suppress this side of you without letting him know of your struggle. Give him the chance to make a choice in this; that's what marriage is about, both partners are involved in any big decisions.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2009): you have screwed up so please do not blame thos toher woman. you have no right to now go through with your wedding. if you do one thing right, then please cancel the wedding. you are playing with fire and you will get burned. your affair with this woman is despicable, why? because you have betrayed your fiance. he does not deserve a chaeting woman like you he actually deserves better. if you are a lesbaina be proud of your sexual identity and stop f*cking with your fiances life. you are a selfish sod who has cheated yet you have been crying wolf. you have no place in your fiances life so please release him from you. you have selfishly held on to him for so long yet you continue with this other woman. you are not monogamous and you will continue to cheat . your selfish nature has been displayed continuously . you should admit to yourself what you are and just release your faithful man. get one thing straight. you do not love him, you do not care about hurtiung him. you are selfish and you have to stop. there is no trust with you and you know that he cannot trust him. image having lunch with both your lovers? ackward,doesn't even cut it here. stop playing the victim and admit that you were a willing participant. stop blame shifting.please cancel this sham of a wedding. you know it is just a farce. have the decency to do the right thing here. what a tangled web you have woven.
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A
female
reader, mitta  +, writes (5 July 2009):
Firstly take some responsibility for the affair! Stop saying things like 'I dont know how she did it' 'She melted me' 'she screwed me up'... You didnt have to go to her hotel room, you didnt have to sleep with her. And just because you feel an attraction to someone doenst mean you have to persue anything with them, you were taken.Secondly you need to make a choice. If this choice is your husband to be then you need to tell him whats happened. If the choice is her then you need to leave your husband. Its as simple as that, though obviously it will be a really hard decision to make and carry out, but its the only way to solve this. Everyone is getting messed up and its not fair on anyone, especially not your finace who has no clue!Its decision time.HTH
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A
female
reader, Starlights +, writes (5 July 2009):
 you need to listen to your gut instinct. its telling u all this is wrong. if u marry your poor innocent fiance and he find out later down the line (which he will) its going to be alot worser than telling him now what really happened.that way he may forgive u, and your conscience is clear.good luck
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2009): Hi........there is only one thing to do - GET A GRIP! You say you love your boyfriend and yet are content to let him plod along unsuspecting thinking that he is going to marry the love of his life!That is a very, very cruel thing to do. Stop everything now - stop the marraige, stop the affair and take control of your life.You can either go ahead and ruin your boyfriends life or you can be honest to everybody, especially yourself.... and start being an honest and better person now! Be brave, take the pain and most importantly do not use others... Take care and good luck!
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A
female
reader, DrPsych +, writes (5 July 2009):
 You are right, it is totally screwed up. I suggest you post-pone the wedding as you seem carried away by the ceremony. Marriage is supposed to be a life-long faithful commitment, although the divorce rates in most countries indicate this isn't so much the case these days! If you are even contemplating keeping a mistress on during your marriage then there is something very wrong in your relationship with your would-be husband. You say that you think a lot of this man so why cheat on him? Why do something that may have devastating consequences for his life? Marriage is about ups and downs - if you think anything of either lover then you will stop the wedding until you have decided one way or another. Inviting this woman to the wedding must be torture for her and suggests that you are not thinking about other people's emotions too much. At the moment this situation is all about you - your needs and wants - and nothing about these people. Your girlfriend doesn't want to be just a mistress - she is settling for what she can get and playing a waiting game hoping the marriage will fall apart so she gets you full-time. No-one with any self-esteem would settle for sharing you and you shouldn't exploit her. I suggest given what has happened then you decide once and for all who you want - her or him. If it is him then you need to cut ties with this woman altogether because temptation will come around in the future when you are bored, had a row with your husband or have that 7 year itch.
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A
female
reader, QuirkLady +, writes (5 July 2009):
Break this relationship off and be honest with your fiance about what happened.You do have control over yourself. Don't weasel out and say she manipulated you...you could have stopped yourself at any time but you chose not to. You chose to listen to her words. You chose to have sex with her. You chose to let her keep talking and not walk away as you should have. Really, you should have nipped this in the bud as soon as she confessed her feelings. In the hotel room, your excuse should have been "I am getting married and I love my fiance, I will not go any further with you because I won't cheat. Goodbye." But that wasn't what you wanted to do, so you didn't do it.Listen to your conscience because it's telling you the right thing.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2009): It seems like your really in love with both of them so my advice is too tell your fiancée but break it too him gently and get his advice maybe have dinner with both of them discuss it like adults.
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