A
female
age
41-50,
*emer23
writes:My ex is beginning the process of stalking. The only reason there hasn't been any physical contact is because his son is in town, but only for 2 more days. I am scared. He has a short fuse. I know any response even negative (i.e.: changing my phone #) is a positive one in a stalker's eyes. How do I go about changing that information wisely? He has my e-mail address, he is a "friend" on MySpace and facebook, and my cell is going off the hook with calls and texts. His messages go back and forth from apologetic to extremely volatile. I don't know what to do because it's not "enough" to notify the police.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2009): If you want to minimize contact.
- Examine your renting situation and see if now would be a good time to move.
- Get a commercial mail drop box for all your mail and stop associating your name with the address where you sleep on all forms, disclosures and correspondence.
- If anyone knocks at your residence, you don't need to/shouldn't answer because no one has that address and those that do, you would certainly be expecting.
- Get a "public phone line" such as a Skype voicemail subscription. This is the number you give out to people you don't know personally and costs very little each month. You can also subscribe to other services. Voicemails are emailed to you.
- Let family know where you are so that a red flags will be raised if you're late for work or some other appointment
- Hang out with your friends a lot at least until this guy occupies himself with some other girl.
- Caution family members and friends not to give out your personal contact info or your whereabouts to anyone over the phone. Con artist will use psychological tactics to "destabilize" targets over the phone ("Ma=rs. X, I'm calling from the hospital regarding your daughter...") often when you can't be reached (e.g. you're in a movie theater) making it very easy for a loved one to give out your number or the name of someone who knows where you are in order to "help you".
There are other things you can do but these two basic measures significantly cut down on your interactions with stalkers. Maintaining a cushion of privacy becomes second nature and you sleep better at night.
A
female
reader, kemer23 +, writes (8 May 2009):
kemer23 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks. It's very overwhelming right now. When I did talk casually to the cops about a situation like this they told me that changing numbers and blocking e-mail accounts will only lead the person to pursue me in another way....in person. Still I did. I can't stand the ides of him having access to my personal life. I've called those people that are close to me and most in my life on a daily basis to let them know what’s going on. They tell me "You are not alone". They are helping me change my "patterns" apparently I'm a very habitual person. Thank you for your advice and firmness. I feel like I'm finally on the right track.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2009): I agree with Dr. Psych.
Also, stick with your friends. Stay in groups. If you live alone, sleep over at a friends' place.
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A
female
reader, DrPsych  +, writes (7 May 2009):
 It most certainly is enough to contact the police. Stalking is a very serious matter and I know - I had to change my phone number once to get rid of a pest! Basically the police cannot help you unless you seek help...by remaining silent you are giving this man power and control over you (which is all part of the stalking mentality). Cut all contact with him - block him on your websites and change your email address. You can get a new phone number or get his number blocked by your network. You can also get an injunction against him coming near you at home or in public. If you talk to him at all it sends him a message that his behaviour gets your attention so remain silent. You need to keep the evidence of his stalking for any legal proceedings - like phone records. If he is threatening you then you can have him charged with harrassment, but if you do go down this route make sure you comply with the police all the way to send him a clear message about acceptable behaviour. The chances are if the police have a word, or you get a lawyer to send him a letter then he will leave you alone - he is feeding on your fear at the moment.
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