A
female
age
30-35,
*eShell
writes:Okay, so me and my ex-boyfriend just recently started talking again. He wanted me to come over to his house after class. I knew what may happen if I went, but I went anyways. He not only picked me up from my class, but he made dinner. We ate, everything was fine. Watched some comedians on his Netflix while I laid on one side of his bed and him the other. Gradually as the night progressed he kept getting closer and was playing with my hair. Then before I knew it he had his arms wrapped around me with my head on his chance. Then we kissed. And some things led to another and we almost had sex, but I stopped it. He brought me home. For the next few days he complimented me like crazy and kept saying how he was sorry that he let me go. The whole time I'm feeling kind of dirty for almost having sex with someone I wasn't even dating. NOW he stops talking to me and is saying how he's a bad person and he doesn't know what he wants. Can someone really not know what they want? I know he has hardships like everyone else, but everyone knows what they want. So I told him that I'm not going to waste my time on a relationship that won't work, but I do believe we can be friends again. He shrugged it off and when I asked him on if we should be friends or date he told me to flip a dang coin. Then continued to ask if I'd come over and hang out again. Sometimes I don't think he even cares, but then he does all of these sweet things and get's me back to liking him. Just the way he looks at me as he holds me in his arms tells me at least that he has some strong feelings for me,I know I could be interpreted it wrong, but it's just that look I see in guys's eyes when they are in love. Why can't he express these things? Heck why can't he open up, I've told him a million times that I'm not leaving. Even if we don't get back together I'm their. He is my best friend. In all honesty I love this guy, but I can't be dragged along by him. Can anyone tell me what they think? If this is confusing I apologize, but he has me really agitated.
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female
reader, MeShell +, writes (11 May 2012):
MeShell is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thanks so much for all of the responses. I've thought about what you all said and I agree. He's using me. I can't turn off my feelings for him like a light switch, but I can stop talking to him. I know I'm loosing a really good friend that I've known for 8 years, but I can't do it anymore. Maybe I'll talk to him again down the road, but I want to get over him. I hope time helps. I tried talking to him, but like always he shrugged it off and changed the subject. I actually haven't talked to him for a week now. And some of you said he may have feelings for me but he's afraid. I don't know how many chances I've given him to open up, but I'm done. Thank you so much for all of your help! Your advice really helped a confused girl out. :)
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2012): "Just the way he looks at me as he holds me in his arms tells me at least that he has some strong feelings for me."
Yeah strong, hard, throbbing, moist feelings in his pants.
"it's just that look I see in guys's eyes when they are in love."
Is the same look we have when we feel lust. OP that look of wanting someone can be either sexual or love and all his actions point to sex don't they?
"Why can't he express these things? Heck why can't he open up, I've told him a million times that I'm not leaving. Even if we don't get back together I'm their. He is my best friend."
Because that's not what he feels, you only hope he does. He is opening up, he's opening up your pants because all he wants is to bone you.
"In all honesty I love this guy, but I can't be dragged along by him"
You are being dragged along by him already and you will continue to do so because you love him.
OP you're just screwed, really you're in big trouble.
Let me ask you one thing. Say me and you were friends but I didn't even really want to spend any time with you or talk to you unless I could get you alone and try and have sex with you, would you really be that blind to think I'm actually your friend? Really? Because that's what friends do is it? Ignore you and treat you badly if you don't sleep with them? I mean come on OP, let's be friends, PM me there so we can be friends but I'll only be nice to you if you agree to come over to my place and hang out. I will get pissed off if you refuse to come over to my place to hang out and I will only be nice to you and do nice things as long as we just so happen to be somewhere where I can fool around with you. Come on message me so we can do that, it'll be great won't it? No, just no. If that sounds completely ridiculous thing for a stranger such as myself to suggest to you then how the hell do you accept that kind of treatment from a guy who is supposed to care about you? At least me, the internet stranger was honest about my intentions right? and if I was actually serious suggesting you message me you'd think I was a creep only after one thing, then what makes your guy different? Nothing, the only difference is you want to believe he's not doing that because you love him, well you're screwed then OP and he is dragging you along.
Here's what you do. If he's your best friend then he'll be your friend without sex won't he?
So test him. No more hanging out alone in places where he can make a move, tell him you're only going to be friends and you're not going to have sex with him ever again because it's not a good idea. Tell him you've decided that you want to remove sex from your friendship to protect it and make all the times you hang out public, never go somewhere alone with him and see how long that lasts. I bet you my house that he'll either become a bitter douche straight away that just stops talking to you or he may try the charm approach to keep you around and pretend he has feelings because he doesn't want to lose your pussy.
You see that's where the not being alone thing will help you test him. Words are not enough, as long as he thinks he can eventually get you alone for sex he may well put on the charm and then you're back at square one but if he only wants sex with you then he'll pretty quickly get pissed off that you never seem to want to be alone with him. But real friends don't care where they see you OP do they? They don't care if you only go out for a coffee for a few hours, or the cinema and then head home. A real friend will not get pissed off at you for not agreeing to go somewhere that you can be intimate. If he does this then he's only in it for the poon and he's not really a friend.
If you want to protect yourself and make this work. The stay strong and test him. Tell him "just friends", no more sex and back that up by only meeting in public. Don't let him convince you to go to his place and watch him closely I bet he'll be nice at first, tell you all these lovely reasons why he thinks you should go back, a nice meal, a nice movie or something new he bought but say no and keep saying it and you'll see, he will quickly turn sour and be a bastard.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (10 May 2012):
 I agree with aunt honesty… he may not know what he wants. I would be concerned that he’s looking for more of a FWB thing than a real relationship…
I don’t believe that being friends with an ex is a good idea…. The waters are always muddy.
You need to talk to him about why he won’t (or can’t) open up… some folks just are not able to express themselves well.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (10 May 2012):
 It is a very true fact that sometimes in life people just do not know what they want. It really is. At the end of the day he is showing signs that he cares for you and he wants to be with you, but there is obviously something holding him back from wanting to commit to you as he keeps changing his mind. Maybe he feels he is to young to be settled in to a relationship, yet he does not want to let you go, I guess we could go on guessing all day but only he has the answers as to what he is feeling. I guess you both just need to sit down and try and be adults about it and talk things through. Tell him you are not always going to be there forever and if he wants to be with you then you can both take things slow but if he doesn't then something needs to be done. You telling him you will always be there is not helping things because he will feel like he can just click his fingers and you will come running, make him fight for you, don't just put yourself out there. If he decides that he does not want a relationship with you at the moment, then take some time out from him with NO contact so he knows what he has lost. You can't just go straight in to a friendship it doesn't work like that. Give each other some space and hopefully he will realise what he has lost and fight to get you back.
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan  +, writes (10 May 2012):
The reason why your post is confusing is because his signals are very mixed indeed, he seems to be blowing hot and cold. What’s for sure is that just being friends is probably going to be difficult, you went to his place last time and almost ended up having sex which you regretted. When you’re in love it’s hard to just go back to how things were before, a line was crossed. So unless you’re going to give this relationship another go, it’s best to put some distance between you, decrease contact and don’t hang out at each other’s houses. Wish each other well and get on with your lives, which though painful at first would be better in the longer term.
If you do want to give this another go, he needs to get it clear in his head what he wants and you need to keep your distance to give him the space to figure that out. You can’t be messed around like this with him changing his mind, it’ll only make you both unhappy. Are you sure what you want? If not then you too need to figure that out. Once you know where each other stands and that you both want the same thing, you can’t just fall back in to a relationship. You need to address the reasons for why you first split and work out what will be different this time. As this is not provided in your post I cannot advise you except to say that you need to have a good, honest conversation about it. Don’t just stumble back in to something with the same flaws as before.
So, give yourselves some space to figure out what each other wants. Find out if you’re both singing from the same hymn sheet, and if you do both want to give this relationship another go, work on fixing the problems from the first time rather than repeating history.
I wish you all the very best.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2012): actually it sounds like he knows what he wants, and you're the one who doens't know what you want.
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