A
female
age
30-35,
*egano
writes:I worked as a nanny for a family with a infant son for the past 2 1/2 years. "Lisa" the mom was a workaholic who loved her social life when she wasnt working, "Rick" the father was very good looking and he knew it and would playfully flirt with everyone that came into their home. A year and a half while on vacation with the family "Rick" kissed me. After coming home we started having sex. I felt guilty but as soon as he kissed me I would forget all those feelings and continue. Im sure in the beginning it was a thrill for him to be sneaking around with the nanny and I tried to not think to much of the situation until one day he called me from work and told me that he loved me. I realzied that I was totally falling for him. Several times he told me how horrible their marriage had bacome and how "Lisa" had told him that she only got married because she felt like she had to because thats what the rest of her friends were doing and that she didnt want any more children. Our affair continued for a year and one day I woke up feeling like a complete fool and horrible person. I was sleeping with a married man who was "unhappy" in his marriage, claimed he "loved" me yet never once thougth about leaving his wife. I felt like I was being played and was just his little secret so that night when he came home from work I told him that I couldnt do it any more and that they had to start looking for a new nanny. He begged me to not do it and asked me what he could do to make me stay and I told him that I couldnt be with him when he had a wife. Later that week he moved out telling "Lisa" he as unhappy and wanted a divorce. I kept my distance at first then a few weeks later "Rick" came by and said that he was back home and that "Lisa" had agreed to move out and give him custody of his son and that he wanted me to be there with them. Finally I had him to myself and I felt horrible. Its been two months now and I still feel horrible. I love him with everything in me but I know that we have hurt so many people will I ever stop feeling this way?
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affair, divorce, flirt, married man, moved out Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (15 May 2012):
 Just remember my name and keep yours the same. While his adultery (and yours) may be a one time thing, history tends to repeat itself.
A
female
reader, megano +, writes (14 May 2012):
megano is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI know what we both have done is wrong. But we cant take it back now. I whole hearted believe that Rick loves me. I know I sound like dumb school girl when I say it but I do plan on making this work and I see us being together many years from now. NO I dont plan on rushing into having kids yet but some I hope that we can expand to the family we have now with his son. He is an amazing dad.
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A
female
reader, Gorgeousgal  +, writes (14 May 2012):
You damn well should feel horrible!! He was married with a child! What were you thinking?? Why did you choose to act like a loser in a losing game? Ok underneath the guilt you no doubt got a thrill out of shagging somebody elses fella, but the thrill goes and the chances are very high that one day he will cheat on you, and he will tell the same story to her that he told to you about his wife. Trust me, i know. Leave now, and go get your own life and become a woman that will never stoop to theft on any grounds. Then you will be a catch, instead of just a diversion for a weak, immature slob who turns any woman stupid enough to get involved with him into his mother, then he chucks her out and finds another idiot to consume etc etc. Ayeayeaye........what is wrong with everyone..........
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female
reader, Foot-In-My-Mouth  +, writes (14 May 2012):
 I can't help observing how blame seems to have been heaped upon you (and as usual, only the woman is blamed) whereas HE was the one who was married, not you. HE was supposed to stay faithful, HE had taken vows with her, NOT YOU. HE cheated on his wife. You were single. YOU didn't cheat on anyone. Stop thinking of yourself as the home-wrecker. That's a patriarchal trap of pinning the blame on women while the cheating husband gets to play victim. If anyone is a home-wrecker here, it's HIM. No reason for YOU to feel guilty at all.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2012):
" Rick was very goodlooking and he knew it and would playfully flirt with anyone that came into their home"
Then he snogged the nanny while away on a family vacation. Nice man.
You dont know how many times he has cheated throughout their marriage, you only know what he has told you. Now he has you there to replace his wife, a live-in nanny with sex thrown in.
Think long n hard bout this,do not get pregnant or you will have 2 kids to care for.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2012): His family would accept you better if they didn't see you as the cause of his marriage break up. It would have been more prudent to have kept your relationship secret until his divorce is long over. But too late for that now. I think he should explain to his family why he chose to divorce his wife. She was never someone that he loved he should have left her long ago but his mistake was in staying too long until he happened to find someone better. Its not your fault that his marriage sucked before you even came into the picture.
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A
female
reader, heart101  +, writes (12 May 2012):
too much pain. go to counselling both of you separate .
He needs to finish stuff there as well as emotiounal stuff which there will be .
Either go with the roller coaster and GUILT or GET OFF
If it wasnt you it would have been someone else.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2012):
"Deep down I believe that he loves me and woould cheat on me. . ."
Oops, sounds like a Freudian slip, and a very telling one.
". . . He had never cheated before. . ."
That you know of. And now you know for sure he cheated at least once, and once is all that's required to establish beyond doubt "Rick" is a cheater. To my generation, disgraced ex-US President Richard Nixon was known as "Tricky Dick," a nickname even better suited to your "Richard" as it applies to both his shifty behavior and his magical wandering weenie.
". . . Yes, he is a playful flirt what guy isnt. I think he knew that his marriage was over. I seen first hand how the state of their marriage they were not happy. I watched him try to make things work and get pushed away from his own wife he didnt just wake up one day and say "Im going to hire a nanny so I can fuck her" I worked for him for a year and he never once made and gestures toward me. I didnt take the job thing I would sleep with him. It happened, it wasnt planned."
Well, at least you have the advantage over "Lisa" in that you know going in "Rick" is capable of cheating on his wife, so he's certainly capable of cheating on whatever chick he's shacking up with at the moment. And you also know in advance all the reasons, excuses, rationalizations and justifications his next girlfriend will hide behind when YOU discover "Rick's" wick is being dipped elsewhere.
My advice: don't let him knock you up, and if you do then you'd better be prepared to raise both your kid and his without help, no nannies or au pairs or babysitters or maids allowed. You can never predict when things could just happen without being planned, and in the heat of the moment one thing could lead to another . . .
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2012): Harshness is to be expected when something of this magnitude happens. Guilt is expected from u. The truth is what u did was horrible n now ur feeling horrible bc of it. That's all a good thing. That's ur conscience and its bringing conviction on u. Conviction is good, bc it teaches us not to repeat the same error. I'm glad ur feeling guilty, now.....do the right thing. The thing u know in ur heart to do. Whether its apologize to the wife and her child. Or whether its to tell her husband this isn't how happiness is made through treachery and deceit. You can't rewrite history but u can make right what u do from this moment forward. You can choose.
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A
female
reader, megano +, writes (12 May 2012):
megano is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe is very close with his family and they spend a lot of time together. As for him seeing his son he has custody of him.They have already gone ahead with a divorce they have decided to settle things outside of court so they are working with lawyers privetly. They both wantted things to be easy for their son so the decided since Rick would have custody he would move back into the house and "Lisa" would move out, they have a custody plan in place and have settled a lot of the little things already. I know what I did was worng what both of us did was wrong so I dont except our families to be happy with things but none the less we are both adults and for the most part we are happy. Deep down I believe that he loves me and woould cheat on me. He had never cheated before. Yes, he is a playful flirt what guy isnt. I think he knew that his marriage was over. I seen first hand how the state of their marriage they were not happy. I watched him try to make things work and get pushed away from his own wife he didnt just wake up one day and say "Im going to hire a nanny so I can fuck her" I worked for him for a year and he never once made and gestures toward me. I didnt take the job thing I would sleep with him. It happened, it wasnt planned. Its hard for us to move slow or take time to let others become comfortable with our relationship. for us we have been in a relationship for a while. I share a house with him so I cant advoid his family forever.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2012): geez you just can't win as far as the moral judgments and condemnation from people. If "Rick" were to stay with his wife they would condemn him saying how can she every trust him again. Yet if he leaves his wife for you (which he did) they condemn him AND you saying you broke up their family.it was wrong to be having an affair with him. But I don't think you or him should be condemned for getting out of the affair since the past can't be undone and staying in the affair is obviously not ethical.He left his wife for you? That's a good thing. Many married men who have affairs do not have the guts to leave their wives. They continue living their entire lives in a lie or the affair comes out into the open and still they continue limping on in the marriage which is now a house full of coldness and mistrust for the rest of their lives. I think it's a positive and healthy thing that he left his wife for you because it's CHANGE. Obviously his marriage wasn't working if he even had the urge to be cheating on her. So finally he has the guts to quit his marriage rather than keep up the lie. Good for him.I don't think you can do anything about your feelings of guilt. I think all you can do is give it more time. This is all still very recent. It may be that his family will never accept you but that's their problem. They don't know what went on between his wife and him that made him hate her. it's not fair to blame everything on you and leave him completely innocent but since he's their flesh and blood they will try to think of him as blameless which leaves only you to point their fingers at. FWIW, a friend of mine has been happily married now for 20+ years. But their marriage started out as an affair when he was still with his first wife. Yes it was a mistake, but it happened. The affair was a symptom that his first marriage was horribly unhealthy and brought just how unhealthy it was to light. He tried to end the affair and stay loyal to his wife but he just couldn't, his wife was just so horrible to him and this is even BEFORE she knew about the affair. After she knew of course she didn't take any responsibility for her contribution in destroying her marriage (the affair was just the last symptom of it not the cause of it) so the denial put reconciliation out of the question. Eventually he left his first wife (they had kids too). And he married my friend. And their marriage has been strong and healthy - much better than his first marriage - for over 20 years. On hindsight it's unfortunate how the marriage came about, but there's no question at all that it is a much better and healthier marriage than his first. You can move beyond the unfortunate circumstances of the past. People who refuse to let you move beyond that and forever label you according to one set of situations long ago in your past, are not people you should be listening to anyway.People should not judge a relationship based on the circumstances of how it started. They have no idea what is in someone else's heart and mind. It's also wrong to paint the first wife as an innocent angel who did no wrong or had no responsibility in the disintegration of her marriage.
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A
female
reader, oldbag  +, writes (11 May 2012):
 Hi there
If you are now living in their marital home, with 'Rick' and his son,then it is no surprise you are feeling guilty.Its a constant reminder of what and where it happened. His family will have worked out you were seeing him while they were together so I would keep away from them for now.
In time people may get used to it all and accept that your a couple but its not a good start to this relationship and no matter how much you love him it won't alter how you met.He is a flirt and goodlooking, how long before he strays again and blames you for 'making' him do it?
You can only give it time to see if he was worth it, but most will always blame you, the nanny who broke up the family,even though it takes two to cheat.
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A
female
reader, megano +, writes (11 May 2012):
megano is verified as being by the original poster of the question@Cerberus Im not sure if you read my post but it clear says that "Rick" has custody of his son. He plans on being a hands on parents just like he has always been.Yes they have started the divorce process. They agreed on a lot of things before he moved back. The both wanted to make things as simple as they could for their son and since Rick would be the one with custody they thought that he should move back into their huse and "Lisa" would move out. They have agreed on a custody agreement, living arrangments things like that. Yes I worry about how things could be different later for us, I have question myself and asked if he will cheat on me. A part of me doesnt think he will. He had never cheated before. Yes he may have been a playful flirt but many people do that and say truthful in relationships. I know what I did was wrong. And I know that it is something I will have to live with for the rest of my life. Regardless if I think he was begn truthful when he said in his b=mind he marriage had been over for years, he still was a married man and I willing slept with him and carried on an affair. But that was never my intention. I truelt respected his wife annd her home when I became their nanny. I thought of them as my own family but I seen things that noone else did. I saw him trying to eb an amazing dad and husband and being pushed away from his own wife. I saw a married woman who woudl rather have a girls night then spend the evening with her son and husband. He wasnt a womanizer or someone who ditched his wife to hook up with the nanny. I really hink in his heart he knew hier marriage was over.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2012): What is done is done.
What I don't understand is why do you still meet with his family? Don't you have some dignity? of course they willa ct towards you that way - and your Rick is a di- for not defending you. He was just as guilty as you, I don;t understand why EVERY blame is placed on the female. He should not let his family treat you that way and YOU should not be meeting with his fmaily. If I was you I would avoid them, if Rick and you are meant to be together , they will accept it, bt for now it is very recent for you to even have encounters with his family. Avoid them.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2012): I hope my own experience, related below, helps you.I too was in a somewhat similar situation. He fell in love with me and I fell in love with him. We'd never kissed or made love. It was just an overwhelming feeling of love. Within a few weeks of realising that we were in love with each other, he told his wife that he wanted a divorce. We kept our distance till the divorce came through. He lost nearly everything (financially) through the divorce because he did not want a long drawn out battle over money. After the divorce was over, we got back together. And today, we're happy. Yes, I did feel guilty. Very guilty. There were times when I contemplated leaving him, just to get rid of my feelings of guilt. I'd cry all night. I began hating myself. It was pure torment. But his wife made it easier for the two of us to overcome our guilt. She played every dirty trick in the book to make life miserable for us, even after getting his house and a hefty alimony. Eventually, the pain and guilt lessened. It will never really fade away in its entirety but yes, one learns to live with it and make the best of whatever life has to offer. The same can happen to you.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2012):
An old saying which has proved itself true many times
" You cannot make happiness out of unhappiness"
I think in your case it is and always will be so, how can you ever trust this man, its sure not a prize you have won. Just a life of guilt and doubt.
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A
male
reader, vospie +, writes (11 May 2012):
 Ceberus was a bit harsh on you. i think you will have to live with your guilt for the time being. Try and keep it secret for a few months, cos you never know, having him to yourself might not be as pleasurable as you once thought. it's true that if he's a philanderer, he might have it in him to do it again but you never know, it might have been for you that he gave it all up and he's totally happy. Could be, but take off your rose-tints and see clearly what is happening. 'Lisa' will still be around somewhere and you'll have to deal with her so the best way to be strong about that is to know Rick is really who you want.Take it steady for about half a year, that's my advice.
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A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (11 May 2012):
 The guilt is to be expected. No one in this situation is faultless, except of course, the child who is the only true victim in all of this.
However, you were only the catalyst that led them to the inevitable. It is far too soon to tell if the guilt will follow you. Sometimes guilt has a way of disappearing one day, other times it haunts you for quite a while. All you can do is accept it and try to move on from it, hopefully you will learn from it and make the right choices when you confront the consequences that you are likely to face somewhere down the line.
The human mind does have a magnificent way of coping with guilt, you may find yourself looking for reasons and excuses to not feel guilty. I am not going to tell you to ignore these things, nor will I advise you to adhere to them. What you did was wrong but truth be told, if it was not you, it would have been someone else. That marriage was based on foolish decisions.
Surely Rick will still want to be a part of the child's life. I do advise you to make the best of what opportunity may arise and act as a positive aspect of his life. And when it comes time to explain your actions, be ready for it and speak truthfully, make no excuses and accept what blame he throws at you. You will not be the only one. This may help the guilt fade. I cannot guarantee that it will disappear completely, but I can tell you that it will help.
I hope that helps.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2012): "Several times he told me how horrible their marriage had bacome and how "Lisa" had told him that she only got married because she felt like she had to because thats what the rest of her friends were doing and that she didnt want any more children."
Haha yee olde 'the marriage was shit' excuse. I love that one, it always justifies cheating doesn't it?
"I love him with everything in me but I know that we have hurt so many people will I ever stop feeling this way?"
If you're a good person OP that feeling will fade but never go away. Not only that but as soon as anything even remotely bad turns up in the relationship, that guy who likes to "playfully flirt" and sleep with other women in his wife's house when she's not there is going to become a massive risk.
Look just take each day as it comes, there is no magic trick to erasing all the destruction and pain you have caused by not exercising self control. Not only that but you now have the booby-prize. A selfish, arrogant flirt who has no qualms about bedding other women for the most idiotic excuse that almost every serial cheater uses. You better hope you never have a rocky patch in your relationship because you know how he deals with those first-hand.
OP feeling bad about how this turned out is not a bad thing, if you didn't care or were perfectly fine with it then that would be a real issue.
I wish you luck OP, I really don't know how you can deal with now playing happy families and living with a family you destroyed so you can take over. Reminders of her and what she had and now has lost must be everywhere there. Just own what you have done, accept this feeling and accept that feeling that way is a good thing and may fade in time. You got what you wanted and others paid a very high price for that, just be happy while it lasts because karma has a tendency to creep up on you. Hopefully you feeling this way is karmas revenge, something tells me though that at the first sign of unhappiness or trouble this handsome audacious flirt is going to find other women very attractive.
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (11 May 2012):
Firstly, I will begin by making it clear that I do not condone the affair: it was wrong! However, you do show that you are aware of this and did the right thing by breaking it off, but by then you’d already developed strong feelings for him. A man who has an affair of this kind is either a womaniser, or is in an unhappy marriage. It sounds like there were already major flaws in their marriage before you came in to the picture. There’s no guarantee that it would have lasted anyway if you weren’t involved in the situation, even less that they’d actually have made each other happy. There is no point to what ifs now though, and remember that you gave him the choice to work on his marriage or be with you, and he chose to leave. Encouraging him to make a choice and to either stick to his marriage or be honest and break it off with his wife was a better action than continuing an affair and living a pack of lies.
I don’t know when you’ll stop feeling bad, or if it’s something you’ll have to get used to, but do remember that you didn’t take him from his wife, he left. You now need to keep your distance but be a support to him as he goes through the divorce process, which is painful however dead in the water the marriage might have been at the time of the split, and they need to come up with a fair arrangement for access to the child. Finally, have you asked him how he feels? Does he feel some guilt too? Be honest and share your feelings with each other. You need to try and draw a line through the past and work on the relationship you have together. Regardless, it sounds like there’s no going back as far as their marriage is concerned, and sometimes there’s only bad and better ways to do things, but you can’t always avoid choices that seem cruel and harsh. It says a lot about you that you are aware of the cost of this relationship, but don’t overwhelm yourself with blame.
I wish you all the very best.
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A
female
reader, megano +, writes (11 May 2012):
megano is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNo one knows how long its been going on but they all figured out that it was happening while they were still together. His family all like dme before hand and ^m paarents thought he was sweet but nows it the opposite. My family refuses to even speak to him and hsi family have been very biter and cold owards me. His sister (who loved me before) made a comment the other day and a family brunch about how "Rick" liked anything that was "easy" and gave me a nasty look and then later that day she was looking at a picture of Rick , his son and I durng a trip I took with the family and she asked Rick if he screw me or his wofe first that night
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (11 May 2012):
Is the divorce in the works? Does the wife know about your screwing her husband for over a year under her own roof? Have you thought about how you are going to explain things to the son when he asks about the whole thing? You can try to put horrible things in the past but in situations like this I'm afraid you better be prepare for them to resurface time and again.
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female
reader, Starlights +, writes (11 May 2012):
 Its hard to say if you will ever stop feeling guilty over the way it happened and how you and Rick both got together.
Of course the actions have hurt his wife, and son, so its no wonder you feel terrible.
It depends on how much you want to make things work with this man. If your feeling horrible everytime your with him its not a good situation to be in.
Maybe you need to seek counsilling so you can talk your concerns out to someone.
I know if i was in your shoes; i'd be feeling guilt and hesitancy too.
But you have to remember your not directly responsible for the breakdown of ricks marriage; it sounds like that marriage was over long before you got into it.
Goodluck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2012): I've been in a situation not nearly identical to yours, but with enough parallels that I think it's worth sharing, even though I still feel awful thinking about it.
Years ago (I was 19 at the time) I met a man who I thought was amazing. I fell for him, and eventually we slept together once. I knew he had kids, but was under the impression (from him) that he was in the process of divorcing when we met. Yep, I was young and naive, and Mr. Right turned out to be Mr. Still Married. I felt terrible when I found out, but I couldn't just turn off the feelings I had developed and I STILL slept with him one more time before realizing that I couldn't live with myself if I continued to trespass in someone else's marriage. I broke things off. I believe he and his wife went on to resolve some of the problems in their marriage. They are still together. By choice, I have no contact with him.
To summarize: I slept with this man a total of two times, and didn't even realize he was married the first time. It has been five years and the guilt still eats me up. What I am trying to tell you is that the guilt and shame you are feeling takes a very long time to fade in the best of circumstances--and how can it, if you are still living with the personified reminder of what you have done?
This man left his wife for you. Who's to say that someday he won't leave you for someone else? What I can tell you is this: you have no obligation to him, and as long as you are living with him and seeing him every day, you can't begin to forgive yourself, or to heal.
Sincerely,
someone who knows the feeling
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