A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:This is a long story, I will try to condense it...Split with my ex in December. We were together almost 4 years. In that time we were long distance 50% of the time due to me being in Uni. I visited him every holiday. He visited me once, begrudgingly. I wanted to travel. I suggested holidays, trips, visits to stay with me. His response was always that he hated travelling, or that he could not afford it. Yet on a couple of occasions while we were a couple, he went on weekend trips to see a band with friends. So basically, due to this and other behaviours, he gave me the impression that I was very low priority and this was just not the kind of relationship I want or deserve. So I broke up with him.Prior to breaking up I went travelling on my own to Asia for 4 months. Best decision of my life... Before going away, I asked if he would like to join me for a couple of weeks of the trip, which he could have afforded. He declined because he said he just didn't really want to.Anyway, fast forward to 3 weeks ago. I had to visit him to collect mail and he tells me that he was just about to go on a holiday to one of the countries I visited. After ruminating on this bombshell, I came to the conclusion that I do not wish for him to be in my life. He is a toxic person to me. His actions felt like he was giving me the middle finger, and I have been so nice to him and given him so much. I decided I did not want to waste any more time on someone who clearly only made time and effort for me when it was convenient.So I removed him from my facebook. I also did not want to see the pics/comments from his holiday. I still, despite my reasoning, have feelings, so I just wanted to get rid of everything that would remind me of him. But then he messaged me saying have you deleted me, why? And that I have more post so I will have to go and visit him again :( Basically, I'm torn. Do I tell him the truth about his actions showing me he cares jack about me, so I don't need him in my life. Or do I just say yes I deleted you, leave it at that. Yet, part of me doesn't believe in holding grudges, and that i might regret completely removing someone from my life who was a massive part of it, even though it clearly meant more to me than him. I just think maybe down the line I will be sad to have lost touch. However, I am fed up with being walked over because I am so tolerant and nice. I don't want to continue to put up with behavior from friends/partners that is hurtful. I just don't want to continue this drama in any way. I just want to move on and be happy. But I know I will eventually bump into him again, because of where we live. I hope we don't have to, but perhaps I ought to reply to get him off my back. I don't feel I owe him anything though, but I want to take the high road, and not be deliberatly hurtful. What do I tell him?
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (23 May 2012):
 Perfect,OP.Atta girl. You could not have said it better. You are finding difficult moving on because moving on IS difficult, and because you feel like he had the upper hand, he "won " somehow. But it's not true : you won. You've got your precious time , and precious heart, back and now you are free to give them to someone who will treat them right.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhaha ok ok. yes I have considered that he lied. THAT is exactly why I am so hurt by his actions. He kept me as his girlfriend for 4 years, when he clearly was just with me out of convenience, because he lied that he didn't want to travel bla bla, when obvously that's not true! That is why I am really f*cked off, because he told me he loved me, then he does this... I just feel really naive and stupid... and I'm angry that someone would use me like that, for 4 years, when he didn't really give a crap... It hurts. It's hard to get over. I know I need to get over it and learn from it and move on.
I know I'm holding myself back, by not facing the truth, sh*t happens, and people can be asshats. But I am not an asshat and I deserve to be happy. There will be someone out there who will be over the moon to be with someone who is not an asshat and who will be honoured to travel with me, because they want to. And I am greatful that I realized how much of an asshat he was and that I do deserve better treatment, or I could still be with him, unhappy, trying to make it work. I'm glad I was brave enough to finally accept he was just using me because he could. or it was just not working. I need to get over it and move on. I guess I don't owe him a response. I don't want to be hurt anymore because of him. I just want to move on and be happy. Sh*t happens. But I've learnt a lot from the relationship. I will know now when a guy really cares and when he's just trying to keep me sweet for his own benefit.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhaha ok ok. yes I have considered that he lied. THAT is exactly why I am so hurt by his actions. He kept me as his girlfriend for 4 years, when he clearly was just with me out of convenience, because he lied that he didn't want to travel bla bla, when obvously that's not true! That is why I am really f*cked off, because he told me he loved me, then he does this... I just feel really naive and stupid... and I'm angry that someone would use me like that, for 4 years, when he didn't really give a crap... It hurts. It's hard to get over. I know I need to get over it and learn from it and move on.
I know I'm holding myself back, by not facing the truth, sh*t happens, and people can be asshats. But I am not an asshat and I deserve to be happy. There will be someone out there who will be over the moon to be with someone who is not an asshat and who will be honoured to travel with me, because they want to. And I am greatful that I realized how much of an asshat he was and that I do deserve better treatment, or I could still be with him, unhappy, trying to make it work. I'm glad I was brave enough to finally accept he was just using me because he could. or it was just not working. I need to get over it and move on. I guess I don't owe him a response. I don't want to be hurt anymore because of him. I just want to move on and be happy. Sh*t happens. But I've learnt a lot from the relationship. I will know now when a guy really cares and when he's just trying to keep me sweet for his own benefit.
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female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (22 May 2012):
 You do not need to reply to him. I promise that we won't report you to the break up etiquette police. I'm totally with CindyCares on this one. She's summed him right up, tied him in a neat little package and dropped him back at the post office, marked 'return to sender.'
You owe him zero explanation. None, zero, zip. "Ah well, yes, these things happen. It is time for me to go on my merry way. Bye." You have no need to justify anything you do to him any more. And who gives a rat's ass what he thinks anyway? He sounds really boring, dull, dull, dim and dull.
Let it go. Offer up a silent 'thank you' that you are finally OVER and DONE with him and then go off and enjoy your fab new life.
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female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (22 May 2012):
OP, in all your considerations about the hows and whys of his sudden passion for travels, you have forgotten the simplest , and most probable, option:
he lied.
Have you ever had among your friends some girl that could not get her bf to marry her , because " he does not believe in marriage ", or " he is not sure he is the marrying type ", or " he is not ready for that level of committment " etc.etc, which eventually led the girl to break up ?... Only to find out, six or twelve months later, that he IS getting married , with another woman ?
This situation is such a classic, isn't it. Because " I am not planning to get married " just meant " I am not planning to get married with you ".
Maybe your ex did not actually hated travel with a vengeance, he just did not want to travel, or relocate, with you or for you. On his own, or with other friends, or another woman, obviously it ain't that bad - since he IS doing it. Or do you really think that one would really relocate to Australia just to get on his ex's nerves ?!
You are way overthinking about what he feels and thinks and wants etc. And I still don't get why you MUST explain him how come you deleted him. Writing him " Yes I deleted you, sorry " well.. he KNOWS you have deleted him, does not he ?
I still think that your focus should be on moving on, not on crossing all the t's and dotting all the i's of social network etiquette . We promise we won't rat on you to Miss Manners.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOh and I did not break up as a plea for attention or to get a reaction. You all seem to really misunderstand this... :/ Although it was a very hard decision to come to(it was one of those relationships that wasn't terrible, but I was not happy, also he is a good manipulator and I have been a good puppet, changing that now)and as for being wishy washy... although I made the final decision, my heart was still attached to him, which is think is pretty normal after nearly 4 years with someone. I'm just that kind of person that loves deeply. I realise now that in doing this I give too much of myself, but disentangling my heart from him will take time. I am getting there and feel fan-bloody-tastic, but I am still affected by him and things he does. Hence the facebook delete.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOk, don't think I managed to clearly explain myself. I DID tell him to his face I was breaking up with him 5 months ago! He got the message loud and clear. In fact he joined me in the decision to split up, making it a "mutual" break up. Since then we have rarely talked. I have changed all of my addresses. This post is from a company that I have tried repeatedly to change the address for, but they obviously have not got the message! The reason I have not got post redirected instead of individually changing addresses, is because I have to pay a lot of money for this, money I do not have. I don't actually care about this one piece of post tbh. I'd rather not go and get it and do without it.
I admit he still has a hold on me, an ability to hurt me with his actions of going on holiday. When in reality I know it is no longer any of my business what he does. It was just that he could have picked anything to do, but to choose something that he knows means so much to me, it just seemed odd... like he was trying to get to me. He knows me well, and knows that this one action would be like a slap in the face to me, and it was! The main reason I gave him for the break up was that I intended to live in Australia, and that I knew it wasn't his thing(he told me he hates travelling for christ's sake! To get out of travelling with me or to visit me). Then after we have broken up he suddenly decides to go to Australia on holiday and tells me he is now planning to go and live there!!! It seems he is playing games, and I don't need that kind of headf*ck. Or even if he is that ignorant(I know he's not) it is a clear illustration of exactly how little he could be bothered to do anything for me when we were together, if he is happy to fly across the world, but he couldn't even get on a train for 7 hours to visit me) So I deleted him from facebook.
The only reason I had not until now, was because he had told me he wanted to be friends. He said it's a shame that ex's can't be friends. I agree with this sentiment. It is a shame when a relationship wasn't terrible. There were good parts and we were good friends at one point. Although to me, I feel it's more damaging personally to be friends. But this seems only because I am not over him yet, so being friends means I cannot move on fully, and that makes me seem weak and immature in his eyes. So it seemed immature to delete him. However, I now couldn't give 2 rats eyes of what he thinks of me. I needed to do it so I stop seeing all his posts and being reminded of him.
It would be stupid to keep holding on to anger over this, when it is finished. I do want and need to fully move on and heal. I know it has and will take time for this for me, because to me this relationship meant a lot. I am an all or nothing person, so this relationship was the "one" to me. But I have been growing up whilst being with him and seeing the world more in shades of grey, so I will no longer put up with any treatment from a man, just because "I love him". It is just hard for me to let go fully. I had been doing great until his travelling bombshell. I am getting there, but his actions have sucked me back into the past emotionally, which is why I cut all ties. It was perhaps a bit petty to do this months after the break up, but like I've explained, it was a recent decision only due to his recent actions. Him being on my facebook was a mild irritation I could deal with for the sake of being mature, but after his immature choice of holiday destination, he can suck my carrot.
But he is still in contact. I don't want to give him any leverage or give him any power over me. But yet there is part of me that wants to tell him exactly where and why he can get off. But at the same time, I know he can argue that what he did(travelling to Australia) was nooothing to do with me and that he is very sorry if I am offended bla bla. So I guess that means I can't go down that route and be honest. I can't ignore him because that will look childish. So I guess the other option is to politly say, we have nothing more to say to each other. I don't want to say "I need to move on so I've deleted you", this makes me look weak. I want to keep my dignity and appear strong, without being a b*tch or childish and petty. I thought I had it all sown up, deleted from facebook, postal addresses all changed, all belongings returned. But obv, I need to reply to him about why I deleted him. Perhaps I could just say, yes I did delete you, sorry. Don't worry about the post, I don't need it. What do you think Aunts?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2012): Yeah So Very Confused is right. If that was your way of breaking up with him then at least tell him that's happening.
If on the other hand he knows you've broken up then you don't need to explain shit.
The thing is you don't sound like you have closure yet, you seem to be under the impression that a toxic boyfriend who has disregarded you over and over would somehow be a good friend you'd regret not having, doesn't really make sense does it?
Look in my opinion I would leave it, but you still have him on your back so tell him that you can't have him in life anymore, that you need to get over him so you've blocked him on facebook, you won't be calling around anymore because you're not going to drag this out needlessly and there are no comebacks so you'd appreciate if he respected your feelings and didn't contact you anymore.
OP whatever you do, follow the ladies before me's advice. Don't let him worm his way back into your life by going around to his place for "chats" or meeting up to "talk". Do what's best for you, you owe him nothing and if he truly wants to be a friend then he'll let you go.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (22 May 2012):
 You need to come to grips that you were more into him than he was into you. If he's an ex, he should have already been off of your Facebook. Breaking up with someone is a Nuclear Event, meaning it's a finality in a relationship. Can there be getting back together after a breakup? Sure, it happens all the time. However, lingering, talking, chatting, keeping him around as a friend in hopes that he suddenly starts missing you, and that he has an emotional epiphany, realizes what he's been missing all this time by not travelling to see you isn't going to happen.
What you're doing now is an exercise in masochism. Your ego doesn't want to feel rejection. You don't want to feel like someone valued you as less. Once you overcome the obsession with righting the rejection, you will feel a lot better. The healthy thing to do is to erase him from your life, cleanse yourself of the obsession, stop all contact with him (he's an EX for god sakes!) and move on! There's drama because you want it! You don't want to believe that he wasn't that into you, so you keep pining and stringing for him, and you used the breakup not as the Nuclear Event it should have been, but as a means to strike out and get your message to him that you want more priority. Unfortunately, it doesn't and never will work that way.
Even your removal of him from your facebook (another Nuclear Event) was done to get him to chase after you emotionally. Don't indulge that. Leave him alone and move on. He's your ex. Leave him in Ex-land.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (22 May 2012):
 First, go to the post office and have ALL your mail redirected away from his address.
While you are there purchase a large pre paid post bag, or big envelope and stick lots of stamps and write your address on it. Send it to him, with a friendly note asking him to send you your mail.
It doesnt sound like he cares you broke up with him, only that you deleted him from facebook. You dont owe him any explaination, so just block him and leave it at that.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (22 May 2012):
Don't be so wishy-washy :). Have you decided , firmly and finally, that this person is toxic for you or,anyway, you don't need him in your life and you are better off with him? Are you committed to make a clean break and move on ? Then, DO it. No ifs and buts.
You are not being spiteful or holding grudges, you are doing what's best for you at the moment. And cancelling someone from a social network is neither illegal nor impolite, it's a private, personal decision for which long winded explanations are not mandatory.
If nevertheless you feel that cutting him off this way is too sharp or rude, just tell him the truth : I am moving on from our LTR, I have decided that it will be easier and faster if, for now, I don't dwell on the past .
Nice , simple and short. Please no emotional convolutes explanations about I had to do that because you've have been so meeeaaan to meeee-ee-ee.
If it's over it's over, who cares who did what to whom and why. Maybe some time in future , when the dust from the broken relationship has settled down, you could still be interested in being friends ( I doubt it, and anyway why bothering being friends with someone that has not tr eated us well, but that's another story ), at the moment " staying friends " is neither wise nor helpful nor really possible- everybody knows that, deep down, and I bet he knows that too.
Oh and the post : come on, that's an excuse and you know it :) post does not need to be withdrawn in person, it can be forwarded very easily. Not a big deal, of course, but, if you are going to break up with somebody- only say what you mean and mean what you say. I.e.. only do it when you are dead serious about it and there's no turning back ( not to get some specific reaction, or as a plea for attention )- but when you have decided, then stick to your guns.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (22 May 2012):
 IF all you did was delete him and NOT tell him you were breaking up with him, then yes you owe him an explanation of why you are ending the relationship.
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (22 May 2012):
Deleting him was the right thing to do. Presumably he knows why you split up in the first place, so explaining why you deleted him would just be going back over old news. I suggest telling him that it’s over between you and that you would like to go your separate ways and move on, and that this is why you’ve removed him from Facebook. That is sufficient: it explains your reasons in a way that isn’t vindictive or hurtful, but honest. Whether you reply to that via Facebook or tell him when you see him to get your post is up to you. Maybe face-face, in a decent way is better though. It sounds like he wants to follow his own direction in life, and although it does sound like he’s treated you badly, neither of you would gain anything from you saying anything more than that you need to move on and go your separate ways. Draw a line under the past and walk away with dignity.
I wish you all the very best.
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