A
female
age
41-50,
*ollypop
writes:Im feeling so utterly terrible after ending a 3 year relationship that im beginning to wonder if being the one ending it is just as hard as being the one who has been broken up with. Not only do i have to wonder how my ex is feeling, coping etc i have to deal with my own grief. I feel like no one understands why im so upset as i instigated it. Has anyone else found this???Iv never felt more pain that what im feeling after finally getting the courage to leave a relationship i have been unhappy in for the last 2 years. My boyfriend and I were just like strangers, housemates that would occasionaly have sex. We had no common interests, and generally ahd nothing to say to each other. He is a very quiet person where im generally an extrovert. I was avoiding coming home, staying out late just driving around and staying up till he went to sleep so we didnt have to have sex. He has been nothing but nice to me but for me there was no deep love I just like him a lot as a person.When we got together i had come out of a really terrible relationship and had no self esteem or self respect. I now value myself and my happiness a lot more and realised i could no longer be in a loveless relationship. the thing that scared me into ending it was the thought of being stuck in a loveless marridge with kid. Id rather be alone and remain childless than be in a relationship where i feel empty and lonely.
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female
reader, midnightblues  +, writes (29 December 2014):
I have just ended an 8+ year relationship with my fiancé just weeks after putting down the deposit for our dream venue.
While some might think it was cold feet, we weren't due to get married for another 2 years and had you asked me 6 months ago what I wanted from life, my answer would have been for absolutely nothing in my life to change.
But sadly it did. And I believe there is a reason for that.
About 4 months ago, a change of events at work saw me move offices and sit next to someone completely new and different. I was in a pretty sad place at the time, dealing with what I thought was just a 'down period' but what would later transpire to be moderate-severe depression. There is a happy ending here, because I'm now on the treatment I require, but the change in myself has been nothing short of a miracle.
While this won't all apply to you, I'll tell you how things changed my side, just for context! :) In a nutshell, the antidepressants turned my life around in such a way that I feel almost like a different person. I say almost, because what I actually feel like is me, 10 or so years ago.
I have gained such incredible confidence and self-esteem - something I've struggled with for most of my teenage/young adult years (I'm 24 now) - so much so that my fiancé no longer recognised me. I was convinced that the way I was feeling couldn't be 'me', it was surely artificially induced; brought about by the tablets I was taking.
In the end I worked myself up so much by trying to tell myself that the reason I was about to break up with my first and only love was because I was bipolar, schizophrenic or a mix of the two. While I might still not be 'all there' necessarily, I honestly count my depression as a blessing. It's enabled me to see things from a different perspective and importantly, gain an insight into mental health issues and the stigma around them. I mean seriously?! It's 2014, why on earth should we have to discuss topics like depression as if they were some sort of disgusting social taboo?
Applogies for having digressed here a little (or massively), but basically, to cut a long story short, it is DEFINITELY true that it hurts just as much for the 'instigator' of a break up as it does for the recipient. How do I know? Because I'm just as much of a human as my now ex-fiancé and I can tell you it really really hurts.
But what I've learned from this is that you should never feel you have to hide your emotions. From anyone. Ever. You have just as much of a right to grieve for this relationship in your own way as your ex does. And don't let anyone tell you or make you think any differently.
Be strong, if you can. But also, don't be, if you don't feel you can. In the words of the beautiful Marina & The Diamonds, you are NOT a robot. What you're feeling is 100% natural and to be honest, if you didn't feel that way, then I'd be worried.
All the absolute best to you. Take care!
Midnight xx
A
female
reader, mollypop +, writes (14 May 2012):
mollypop is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you so much for your replies. I feel at this stage that i will never be able to feel happy or laugh without feeling guilty again. I cant sleep, eat,or even go to work and every time someone does something nice for me i cry my eyes out. A lady gave me an extra dim sim at a fish and chip shop yesterday and i asked her to take it out because i 'didnt deserve it'. It would be so much easier if he yelled or screamed at me but all he does is cry and i went to our place to get some of my things today and have noticed he has gone through 2 bottles of scotch in 5 days. Im almost thinking of getting back with him because i feel so much guilt and pain that its unberable and a part of me thinks if im going to be miserable it may as well be there so at least one of us can be happy?? What do you think i should do??
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (13 May 2012):
 Hi
Yes ofcourse its hard,especially when they have done nothing bad, like cheating. If you fall out of love,can see no future, its kinder to end it. We cannot be responsible for others happiness and as hard as it is, ending a relationship is best when its not working.When you care about somebody you dont want to hurt them. Thats short-term though, long term its fairest all round.
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (13 May 2012):
It is a sad fact that some people cannot understand that being the one to instigate a breakup doesn’t make you hard, cruel, ruthless and uncaring. People leave relationships for all kinds of reasons. You feel upset because you are a good person, who knows how he’s going to feel, but it would be much worse for the both of you if you remained in a loveless relationship. You’ve done the right thing, sometimes the right thing isn’t the easiest thing, but you’ve done it.When people choose to end a relationship, it’s often because they’ve come to the realisation that you just aren’t compatible with some-one who you might nonetheless care deeply for, or that all the hopes and expectations you had of the relationship are going to be disappointed. Leaving a relationship doesn’t mean that you’ve stopped caring, or that you don’t wish things had been different, and it’s a very painful decision to take. The realisation that it’s over can be devastating, regardless of whether you were first to realise it. So whoever instigated it has got as much right to grieve for what’s been lost as the other person. You just need to remember that you can’t make yourself love some-one if those feelings aren’t there, and that you’ve freed him to go and move on with his life. In time, you will do the same.I wish you all the very best.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2012): Yes! I instigated a breakup ( 1.5 year relationship) 3 months ago- I still felt for him, but not the same intensity and marriage focussed way he did. He then started some very undesirable controlling behaviours.
I broke up wih him, it was so hard as I still cared for him. But now I feel free and so much better. Short term I felt really bad, guilty and second guessed myself, but now I know it was the correct decision after some time has passed. Hang in there, it gets better!
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