A
male
age
41-50,
*iamMyhre
writes:I have had a female friend for few years, over the time we had gotten closer to each otherWe would go out for the day every Thursday and take her Daughter with us to the Aquarium, Zoo or even the park.I am totally in love with this girl, but she is not looking for a relationship, which I understand and we agreed to stay friends knowing how I feel about her.We would chat every single day online day and night. Enjoy the occasional harmless flirt here and there. She would make my work days go a lot quicker.Lately I have found myself spoiling her with new clothing and and new hair do. I try to show her how her life would be, if she was with me, compared to how it is now.She came out of last year. The problem is I am growing more and more in love with her, so I am making a mess of our friendship.Now I fear now the damage is beyond repair.I recently took her shopping for some new clothing and shoes so that she could go out over the weekend with her brother's girlfriend for her birthday I spent a lot more than I care to admit, on her, but to me she was my best friend and I would say, she spends everything she has on her children. She has a young son and a young daughter, so who is going to give her a little?Anyway on the night out I picked her up and dropped her at the venue where everyone was meeting. (Then later on she text me to see if I was busy and if I could collect them and take them into town.I did this and then she gave me a kiss and asked if I could pick her up at the end of the night.. Now with this a girl I would drop what I was doing on the other side of the city and go get her. A few hours later she messaged me and asked if I could lend her 50 to which I replied what?! I gave you 70 and now you need another 50? To cut that short I lent it to her, because she has always paid me back when she does borrow money from me. Later that night I noticed when I sent her a message her phone battery must have died because the message was not going through.I then tried to ring her and got the answer machine. I decided to make my way into Town and wait thinking she will come to where I normally collect her. As i was waiting I glanced over the road and through a few people spotted a pair of pants legs that looked like the ones I bought her. I proceed towards her and to my surprise it was her sitting on the step with her cousin and 2 other guys. (Now my Jealous gut instinct kicks in now who are these 2 lads?.) I called her name out and she looked up and was surprised to see me. I asked her if she was ok and she told me the battery had died that she had my number anyway and would be another hour. Three hours later I am still waiting around for her to call me and I am thinking why? I should just go home but I never. I started to get annoyed and hurt why? She is not my girlfriend I cant tell her when to or what to do. I finally noticed she had her phone back on and I called her, to my surpirse a male voice answered her phone and when I asked for her he hung up.. So I rang back this time she answered told me she was sorry for not ringing me then told me that was her brother who answered her phone then change it to her other brother. I found myself getting wrongly angry and kept ringing her until she would talk to me. she told me she was at home, she lied to me because I could see she wasnt home. I dont know why I knocked at her brothers house at 6am in the morning looking for her.I finally caught her coming home to which she just flipped at me screaming in the street I am doing what her Ex did to which I just walked away got in my car and drove home, because I know I am nothing like her Ex... Right now she has told me its better we dont be friends anymore because its obvious I want more and its hurting me and she doesn't want to hurt me.She is mad because I knocked at her brothers house... She is mad because I told her cousin what I had been doing for her and now I feel used because she can just treat me like she did that night. I do see her point though, she feels like she is in a relationship with me because of the way I acted.She says she never asked me for anything I did for her but yet she accepted it, she says she had no choice because I would not listen. Its not like I grabbed her arm and forced her to go shopping right? I didnt make her bring her daughter out so we could go out for the day? I ask myself was this an Emotional game she played with me? or was I genuine nice guy to her? Now I am wondering if given time will I ever get my friendship back with her? I mean as I type this now it happened two nights ago. All I know is I have messed up big time and want to fix this. Would sending flowers make things worse too? or could it help the healing process to fix the problem?I feel like a big part of me has been ripped out. what are your thoughts? Ill expect some things to say get over it and move on but you dont just get up and walk away from long term r things that easy.I am sorry for such a long post but sometimes you have to supply details to get an idea of what you want. there is more to this, but this is the downfall part.
View related questions:
best friend, cousin, flirt, flowers, her ex, jealous, money, move on, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2012): First and most important issue here that it was absolutely inappropriate of her to accept gift from u, unless u r in romantic relationship, or it's her birthday. She can't take any favor from u like car rides on a regular basis, if u r not her boyfriend.a friend she could ask but only sometimes, not like drive me there and then pick me up.Yes, u willingly gave it to her, or even insisted out of hope that one day she ll be with u. If she didn't plan on it, she should be even more persist end with refusing your gifts, but not just "give up" and take them. That was very wrong of her. Also If I were u I would completely change my outlook on how to get a women. That doesn't work in a long run. If there is no attraction, money and gifts won't do. It can work for sometime, people sometimes prostitute themselves for monetary rewards, but if u want someone who truly wants to be with u, stop that buying gifts nonsense, unless u r in a relationship.I m for men paying for dinners when u r on date, but date is different than being a friend with someone and keep on buying that friend gift and be a personal driver. Good luck to you, and move on, find yourself a girl who likes you
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (7 May 2012):
 No, OP, you make it complicated but it is really THAT easy. Like switching off a light, you just have to push a button and, ops, lights out.
But you have to want to push that button. You have to be honest with yourself, and call things by their name. You have been a mug, and you have let this girl take advantage of you. Obviously, she wants your friendship until it's low maintenance and hassle- free : i.e. until she gets presents, loans and freebies but you don't bother her too much and don't cramp her style . The moment you act up and start freaking out and acting like a jealous lover ( calling at her brother's at 6 a.m. ? I mean, really ? You are out of control, dear OP. Time to cut your losses , and find again some peace of mind ! ) then your " friendship " is not worth the effort . Too much drama for just some pair of shoes and outings in the park.
Now, we can debate until tomorrow morning, because " technically " she is right: you offered her things of your own will, she never committed to give you anything back either sexually or emotionally or materially, buyer beware , what are you kvetching about. And you could say, as you do, that decent people do not take if they can't give back, and friendship is a two way street so it was implied that there should be at least an emotional give-and-take blah blah blah....
... but the point is not who's right who's wrong, the point is that you are in a bad situation, in which you suffer , get exploited and make yourself ridicolous.
Some things just aren't made to work out, and this is one. So, man up already, and flip that switch.
...............................
A
female
reader, Abella  +, writes (7 May 2012):
 You are far too nice. This girl, though you like her, is taking advantage of you. There are hundreds of nice girls out there who would love to be your girl friend.
Start asking yourself, 'ís this good for me?'
Remind her that you are not a free taxi service. You have bills to pay too.
You mentioned that she, 'Came out of last year?' I was not sure if you were implying that she is also Gay? But then you mentioned guys, so I think I mis-interpreted that remark.
This girl has treated you so appallingly that, No, you should not send her flowers. Not after her dis-interested way of using you.
You think she is irreplaceable?
No she is replaceable and probably by a much kinder lady at that.
I suspect that you are also lonely so she fills your days.
Well in your spare time please try to develop some other activities. Volunteer somewhere in your local community when you are not required for work. I realise there may be little time left over, but once a month you can make time.
And when you do get a two day break, do go somewhere nice for you. Get some new clothese - Clothes For YOU.
Smarten up and venture out to meet some nice ladies. Not in the bars and pubs. Try something different - that is when volunteering comes into being.
Even volunteer at a local 'Save the Children Shop'
Go visit your local Citizen's Advice Bureau and find out what they think might be some enjoyable activities for you.
If you have a local community garden then volunteer there (or put your name down to do so when a vacancy occurs).
The important thing is to get you out meeting wholesome nice happy kind people who will match with your personality.
And be less likely to use you and abuse your trust.
Sometimes the one you want is not the one you really need.
And do not visit the places you used to visit with her.
Believe me, when she finds you are no longer available for all the benefits and treats you have showered on her, then she will first try to cajole and flatter you. And when you stand firm she will find a replacement very quickly .
You, eventually, will find a nice girl who treats you respectfully.
...............................
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123 +, writes (7 May 2012):
 She's a freeloader and as long as you were just a wallet, she had no problems with you. The second the wallet got a voice, she didn't want anything to do with it anymore.
She knows you will do anything for her, drive her to the end of the world, take care of her children, spend money, yet she doesn't see you as "the one". She is using you OP, no girl will ever accept favors from another man in this way if she has any self respect in her. Why would she allow you to pay for her clothes and shoes or her hair cut? Who does that? You're not her husband or her boyfriend!
Why do you want to "fix" this? This woman sounds like she has her own life going on, you are not a part of it and you have no value in her life. You are just a convenient option, someone to borrow money from, to baby-sit the kids, to pamper her. She might come back to you herself when she finds herself missing all the comforts and the $$$, but think about it. Do YOU want her back in your life?
...............................
A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (7 May 2012):
No, buying something, flowers or otherwise, isn’t the way to fix this. You do seem to accept that you have indeed, behaved as though you were in a relationship with this lady, and you’ve acted like a very jealous boyfriend indeed. I can’t help thinking that too much has gone on for you to return to the friendship of the past, trying the “just friends” thing clearly hasn’t worked up to now, what makes you think it’ll be any different next time?
It might be nice to clear the air with her, and tell her how much the friendship has meant to you, but that you accept that you can’t deal with the fact that there won’t be a relationship and that you should therefore go your separate ways. I really do think you need to distance yourself from this lady. By bringing up the money you’ve spent on her and the kindness you’ve shown, you’re showing clearly that you resent the fact that there won’t be a relationship. She didn’t ask you to treat her like this, you did it to make a point, though I don’t doubt that you meant well. You are hurting, and as a result you’re throwing her receipt of your kindness, and her behaviour in her face to accuse her of treating you badly, when she’s made no promises to you in the first place. The gifts, the loans and the trying to buy her affections need to stop. This lady says that she can’t be friends any more because she can see how much it hurts you. I can see just from reading your post that she’s absolutely right. She cares about you enough to admit that the friendship must come to an end, for your sake. Patch things up and agree to go your separate ways in life so that you can move on, and let go of something that’s not going to happen.
I wish you all the very best.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2012): From reading your post it appears to me that this lady is using you. I don't think you did anything wrong apart from coming over as a bit heavy. She is upset because she wants to keep borrowing money from you and using you for things and at the same time develop relationships with other men. Personally I would not chase or or send her flowers or anything as she will come back to you when she needs money or a lift or something. She is a user and does not have romantic feelings for you. My advice would be to leave her alone and take time to evaluate what it is that you are actually getting out of the relationship. You are far more into her then she is into you. She will call you very soon so quickly decide that you are no longer going to be used and decide what you want out of this relationship. If you are not going to get it with her and it seems unlikely to me , hard though it is start to distance yourself by not being . Once she realises that you are not a bank or a chauffeur she will have to change her behaviour
...............................
|
