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| | *o_Very_Confused's profile:I've got the life experience to be wise for others, not so wise for myself. A degree in psych doesn't hurt either. So when I respond to people while I may just give advice, I'm more inclined to ask you questions that make you think and make you HURT and figure out what to do....
Choices I make are made on years of experience and may not be the best choices for YOU but what I do and what I advise may be two different things. Like I've said I KNOW what's the BEST thing to do and do not always choose to do what's BEST for me.
My primary interests include age gap relationships where the woman is older than the man... I am 13 years older than my future husband... I am also currently very interested in 12 step programs and addiction and recovery
and Long distance relationships...
I also understand alternative lifestyles as I was a "swinger" in my last marriage and I am a bisexual woman although currently I am just with my one male partner by choice...
NEVER STAY WHERE YOU ARE UNHAPPY NO MATTER WHAT. DO not make the same mistakes I made.
Rules:
IF YOU HAVE AN UNEASY FEELING IT'S FOR A GOOD REASON.. listen to that little voice
NEVER EVER trust a liar. IF they lied once, they could lie again. IF you dont' trust them there's a reason for it. LISTEN to it.
IF you have to ASK if you should leave... just do it.
We don't know WHY someone did something... only why WE would do it... so you have to ASK THEM.
IF you are afraid to ASK your PARTNER anything.. it's not a good relationship and you should probably end it.
IF he only calls when he's horny at 2 am you are a booty call nothing more....
Old cliches:
Women need a reason to have sex; men just need a place
Do as I say not as I do |
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| Latest articles: How to get many answers to your question.
This question has 7 answers by readers of DearCupid.ORG.
Newest answer was posted
25 November 2012: So many times folks submit good questions but, get few answers. It's very frustrating to have an important topic you need advice on and not be able to get it. While talking with friends is easy to get to what you need, asking in written form can...
Am I Co-Dependent?
No replies yet... 24 October 2012: So often folks will ask "am I co-dependent" or will label someone "co-dependent" There was a period of time that it was the "popular" diagnosis of mental health disorders. I often wondered if I myself was co-dependent. I read many books ...
Is my Long Distance Relationship worth it?
This question has 2 answers by readers of DearCupid.ORG.
Newest answer was posted
6 December 2011: Being in a relationship where you have regular face to face contact is difficult enough. Being in a Long Distance Relationship (LDR) is more difficult. Local Relationships (LRs) require a few things; Honesty, Trust, Commitment, and ...
How you can tell someone loves you
This question has 3 answers by readers of DearCupid.ORG.
Newest answer was posted
23 November 2011: So many times we see folks here saying "I know he loves me he tells me he does all the time" “But” I want to scream, “but how does he SHOW you he loves you” because I learned that WORDS without ACTIONS are meaningless. A partner that says “I lo...
Who is a Natural flirt? And what qualities signify a Natural Flirt?
This question has 24 answers by readers of DearCupid.ORG.
Newest answer was posted
30 September 2011: Today as I was leaving work and walking to my car, I passed, going in the opposite direction a co-worker who I *barely* know who was walking with another man. He is a tall, attractive man with an engaging smile and bright eyes. He's 10-15-maybe 20 ...
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I think my interfering soon to be mother in law needs to mind her own business!
Q. Hi guys, I have another semi-unfortunate family-in-law issue. It basically revolves around my soon to be mother in law. My fiance and I became engaged after 10 years of great friendship and a year of dating. We now live together and share everyt...
A. 8 August 2013: as you two get older you will find that toxic parents (like your future MIL) are best left to just holidays and occasional visits.
you can pick your friends and your chosen family but you cannot pick your blood relatives and there is NO NEED to ... (read in full...)
I think my interfering soon to be mother in law needs to mind her own business!
Q. Hi guys, I have another semi-unfortunate family-in-law issue. It basically revolves around my soon to be mother in law. My fiance and I became engaged after 10 years of great friendship and a year of dating. We now live together and share everyt...
A. 8 August 2013: Unless your fiance agrees with his mother there is nothing to be done.
like you said it's between you and your fiance and not his mother.
IF he does NOTHING and just lets her vent and ignores her then that is his way of handling it and y... (read in full...)
Can you get that wet just from kissing?
Q. Hi! Yesterday we were in bed with my boyfriend and we were kissing (we haven't had sex yet) and I got really wet and I got embarrassed and I didn't want him to notice so we didn't go any further. Is ir normal to get that wet from just kissing?...
A. 8 August 2013: Yes it's very normal if you are turned on to be that wet. do not be embarrassed by it.... (read in full...)
Curious to hear from women who have been with men who felt inadequate
Q. Curious to know if any women have had relationships with men obsessed with being inadequate (esp too small) in bed and what the outcome was--relationship ended because of it, satisfactory resolution achieved and how, etc. Thanks!...
A. 8 August 2013: I can't speak to penile size but I can speak to being with a man with low-self-esteem and lack of self worth.
it ruined the relationship. and he left me due to his lack of self-esteem. I lost a great deal of weight and he left me for a woman th... (read in full...)
A female in denial of her feelings. Anyone dealt with that?
Q. Im curious. Has anyone ever dealt with a female who was in denial of her feelings? And if so, what did it take for her to get over it and come around?...
A. 7 August 2013: Agreed that based on follow ups she's not in denial she's just not as interested in what you want as you are...
perhaps she only wants casual and you are not accepting of that? and when you back off she thinks she's getting casual and she's ha... (read in full...)
Should I contact this girl or continue no contact?
Q. I need advice on whether or not I should contact this girl who I really like but who I closed off all contact after admitting she doesn't want to go further with me after our first date. I met her over a month ago on a dating site and I quickly es...
A. 7 August 2013: GOOD FOR HER! I know you are hurting but let's be honest here... once you met she realized there was NO chemistry for her and she let you down FAST... she didn't drag it out and try the "three date rule" she KNEW it was not happening for her so ... (read in full...)
My husband is too good to divorce but we live in a 100% non sexual marriage
Q. My husband never hugs me, or looks at me. I don't understand him, because he says ,he loves me. He is completely non sexual with me. I feel totally deprived, and neglected. He is a nice man, he is working hard, and supportive with money.. He ...
A. 7 August 2013: I can't tell you what the cause of his problem is but I can tell you what it is NOT... it is NOT YOU. This is NOT your fault.
my concern is that he is not affectionate... my husband and I are together only a short time and we have minimal sexu... (read in full...)
My girlfriend has been adding guys on Facebook, another girl told me to be wary of her. Am I being paranoid or should I worry?
Q. dear aunts and uncles, my gf lately has been adding on facebook a few guys and that makes me feel insecure, i trust her but im not feeling cofortable with it. last night a girl who knows my gf told me to be careful with her as she is not the person ...
A. 7 August 2013: kissing a guy and getting hickies is not the same as having sex...
In my youth I spent nights with boys I never had sex with. I don't doubt she could have done exactly the same thing.
basically you are saying after a year together... (read in full...)
I'm uncertain about what my bi-sexual lover really wants given her lack of experience
Q. I pretended to be a boy for revenge on other girl (sick high school revenge, I am in college now) but ended up meeting this girl from another country meanwhile. We were in love and I told her the truth about who I am. I am gay, and she claimed ...
A. 7 August 2013: It's LDR which is horrid.
you have never met in real life I assume... so it's always been ONLINE... nothing real. that alone is bad for folks who KNOW what they want but for your gf in the current situation it's worse... she THINKS she knows...... (read in full...)
Found my LDR Husband had considered playing around and now I can't move on!
Q. My husband and I have been together for a year, separated by distance for 2 years and got married after and separated again for months now. As I opened his Facebook account because of the game we played thats why I know his password. I unin...
A. 7 August 2013: do you want to move on or do you want to stay married to a man who lies to you and cheats on you and then makes it your fault?
if you want to stay with him you can forgive him but not forget what he did. You will not trust him. and he has to a... (read in full...)
Neighbor confessed her love to my husband
Q. I just found out my next door neighbor declared her love to my husband. She called him to make the confession. A few weeks ago I noticed they exchanged a "look" and when I stared at her, she felt uncomfortable. There have been many signs and now I ...
A. 7 August 2013: I’m confused… your neighbor has declared her love for your husband to him. HE has not declared his love for HER to you or to her correct? So far no problem.
You said they exchanged “a look”. I’m not sure what this “look” means but you... (read in full...)
My brother's wife cheated and doesn't know who the father of her baby is!
Q. So my sister in law cheated on my brother for two years and now she's pregnant but doesn't know who the baby's dad is. Great! I'm so mad at her I could hit her and mind you i'm not a violent person at all. I've never hit anyone out of anger in my ...
A. 7 August 2013: I understand your anger.
Does her husband know about the affair at all? If the affair partner looks at all like your brother, and he does not know he may never know...
Legally he will be the dad of this child because he is married to the mo... (read in full...)
A female in denial of her feelings. Anyone dealt with that?
Q. Im curious. Has anyone ever dealt with a female who was in denial of her feelings? And if so, what did it take for her to get over it and come around?...
A. 7 August 2013: ok but what is she in denial about...
if she's in denial that she's got cancer and is dying, then there is not much you can do till she is ready to cope
if she is in denial that she's pregnant this too shall pass
if however, sh... (read in full...)
I want to be excited to see him and have butterflies but I don't really get that with him
Q. hi everyone... really need some input from anyone who is feeling unsure about what it is that they want... about three months ago I reconnected with an old friend who I used to very close with 2 years ago... he has a huge crush on me and I thought ...
A. 6 August 2013: you don't grow INTO butterflies you grow out of them.
I do not think it's a phase.
I'm not sure if you are settling or not.
do you enjoy being intimate with him?
personally I think in this day and age we put too much emphasis on pass... (read in full...)
What is the meaning behind her calling me sweetie?
Q. Recently, I met an American lady on a dating site. She is 50, im 30. We exchanged few messages and she started her last message by calling me "Sweetie". I know Sweetie can be used for someone that you love as lover or consider someone as your son ...
A. 6 August 2013: Sweetie... something I call total strangers. Sweetie is a generic term of endearment meaning very little.
As for sex... stop thinking of sex with this woman... that's probably NOT happening.... (read in full...)
Should I have sex with someone 16 years my senior again?
Q. I'm an 18 year old female, and on a course in France last week I had sex with a 34 year old course leader who I met that week...we were both very drunk and although I don't regret it I haven't told anyone because I can see why people would think ...
A. 6 August 2013: Relationships are one thing... sex partners are a totally different thing.
Are you ok being a sex toy for this guy? if so go.
IF you want more then don't go because that is probably all he wants.
when my now husband was 18 I was 31/3... (read in full...)
My married lover's wife knows about us but he still wants to be in contact with me. Why doesn't she just stop him?
Q. I don't know where to begin, I am asking for an opinion, maybe some advice, no cursing or calling me names please. I am already in a lot of pain as it is. I was having a relationship for 6 yrs with a married man. We spoke everyday, saw each other 2 ...
A. 6 August 2013: I will tell you my story below.
I will also tell you that after 6 years you stand exactly where you are going to stand forever with this guy.
IF he was leaving his wife for you he would have done it 5.5 years ago.
It's like this... h... (read in full...)
She knows I am married, so why be like this?
Q. I am struggling with temptation right now. A good female friend of mine back from High School who moved back into town has started to become flirtatious towards me like we used to back then....I have been married for 4 years and don't have any real ...
A. 6 August 2013: "she absolutely knows I'm happily married"
and
" but I know what would happen if I went."
are two statements you can't make in the same discussion. they contradict each other.
#1 bringing your wife with you does not say you are happi... (read in full...)
How do I keep this relationship without having contact with his friends?
Q. How to tell him that's not what I want? I was on a trip, and met this guy. The way he dressed and acted I didn't know he was so young, 30. I am in my 40s with grown child. We spend couple days together, and on a second day I stayed with hi...
A. 6 August 2013: Well I'll ask you like I do everyone who fights an age gap relationship... how would you handle it if he was 10 years OLDER than you or he was your age?
What changes when the man is younger? He's 30 not 13. He's a grown man. My ex husband ... (read in full...)
Without my glasses I didn't realise she was much older. How do I extricate myself tactfully?
Q. Dear all, I do not know how I have found myself in this situation... I met this woman at salsa and discovered we work for the same organization. She was kinda pretty and interesting, so I kept in touch with her. We had lunch at the park 5 days ...
A. 6 August 2013: What does this mean: “I then did some psychological test on her and she literally loved it.” Sounds to me like you are playing games here…testing the waters.
You then say “I forgot my glasses the day I met her” but you have been with her... (read in full...)
When separated from a marriage are you considered single and free to do whatever you want?
Q. When separated from a marriage are you considered single and able to do whatever you want to do? I am separated from my husband. Living somewhere else and not speaking. Looking to get an apartment and move on until the point divorce is possible, we ...
A. 5 August 2013: sounds like you live in my state.. same thing here.
technically if you date while separated where I live you can be charged with adultery.
and you are required to live under separate roofs for 365 consecutive days before you can even FILE fo... (read in full...)
If a guy 'likes' a photo of a woman in a bikini, does that mean he likes the woman?
Q. This is likely just me over-thinking things again, but a little input would be lovely anyway :) So, a social media question - I recently put a photo of me in a bikini at the beach on Facebook (which I found tremendously difficult to do. I've had...
A. 31 July 2013: I personally use the "like " button as a way to say "acknowledged " when I view something on social media. It does not mean I always like it.... (read in full...)
What is nervous porn?
Q. Hi I'm in a six month relationship with a great guywho I recently saw has masses of nervous porn deleted from his pc in his recycle bin. He's 45 and I'm just wondering what this is? I haven't restored these files. Im worried because I have a teen ...
A. 29 July 2013: I totally agree with C. Grant that his REACTION to your question is worrisome... he so overreacted.
perhaps it is just guilt.... many men are raised that porn and masturbation are bad... and "barely legal" porn skirts the boundaries even more.
... (read in full...)
My girlfriend got angry with me and wants to break up because I didn't accompany her in to Starbucks, I'm considering giving her what she wants
Q. Story: We have being dating for just 3 years. We are both each other's first gf and bf. I am 28. She's 27. We are both Asians. I went to my gf's place to pick her and her sister up to attend their parents' event about 1.5 hrs away. They wante...
A. 29 July 2013: i also totally agree with Aunty Bim-Bim. You do not need to be stuck to her side 24/7 and waiting in the car while she runs into starbucks is fine.
My husband not only waits in the car for me I pick up a drink for him.
goodness... break... (read in full...)
He didn't tell me at first that he had kids even though I specified I didn't want to date someone with kids. Now what?
Q. Well I met my boyfriend online over a month ago. I specifically said I don't want someone with kids. I was seeing him for about 2 weeks when we decided to make it official then he told me he has 2 kids. I let it go because at the time I thought I ...
A. 26 July 2013: he manipulated you into being with him by lying... what do you think he will manipulate you to do later on with lies?
will you ever trust him?
I do not think that it's a good start to a relationship.
Lies are never good. and he did lie.... (read in full...)
How can long distance relationships work?
Q. I had two failed long distance relationships. One was within the country. Other one was with the a girl from US. Here, in our area, dating and having girlfriend is consider a taboo thing. I don't like arrange marriages . So most of the time, I ...
A. 26 July 2013: the ONLY way they work is if the GOAL for both partners is to be together full time.
IF you meet online, then you need to meet face to face within a very short period of time. Then if you click you must have regularly scheduled visits. I su... (read in full...)
He cut me off and I don't know why
Q. Hi guys, so I started seeing this guy.. he lives 3 doors down from me! We started chating about a month ago he put his number on a piece of paper and left it on my car so he made the first move! Seeing him everything fine! But all of the sudden he ...
A. 24 July 2013: oh honey he's not interested in you the way you are in him.
he got laid and without a condom so he probably has done it before and he said "i hope you haven't given me anything"
I would go get tested... he may have an STD that he gave you... (read in full...)
He doesn't care about me anymore.
Q. I am currently in America, which has a 7 hours of time difference between my country. I will be going back at the end of the summer. I just wanted to give that information, because my problem seems fairly simple. My boyfriend doesn't seem to ...
A. 24 July 2013: Long distance relationships NEVER work at your age. I'm sorry to say this to you and I know it's not what you want to hear...
I think it's best also if you two just part ways and move on in life. ... (read in full...)
How do I know when its safe to have sex with hpv?
Q. How do I go about having sex with another women, I have found out I caught hpv from a women little over a year ago, amild case of it. But they say condoms don't help, you can get it from oral sex, they say it goes dorment any where from six months ...
A. 24 July 2013: Almost all women in our age range have or have had HPV.
I have had SEVERAL pap smears show up over the years with "cells consistent with HPV" I have had two LEEP procedures for it. Now I test normal.
I asked the GYN about it and he told m... (read in full...)
Boyfriend is withholding affection after argument
Q. My boyfriend and I are both in our late 20's and we've been living together for 3 years. Four days ago we got into a pretty bad argument where I suggested a break up in the heat of the moment (not something I want at all) and he agreed to. I then ...
A. 24 July 2013: I'm often cold to my husband after a fight. I just can't warm up.
We however have a rule in our house that says we must sleep in the same bed if we are under the same roof... the fact that he moved to the couch even for a "decent" reason is disco... (read in full...)
How to deal with this in front of the kids?
Q. I've been with my husband for 20 years (we were both VERY young), and married for 14 years. He is a police officer and I recently found out that he is cheating on me with a female paramedic. The divorce is in process - but how do I remain civil ...
A. 23 July 2013: I agree I would not lie for him.
I would tell them the sanitized truth "daddy just feels the need to be with other people and sadly he did not come to me first and he LIED to me about it. I can't trust daddy anymore to not lie to me so I have... (read in full...)
I want his girlfriend to know he's been cheating on her with me!
Q. So I've been talking/hooking up with this guy and he has a girlfriend of a few years... I don't want to change my situation with him yet but I do want her to know what he's doing. She seems like a really good (virginal) girl... How could I do this ...
A. 23 July 2013: If you mention it to him he will construct more lies and a way to make it your fault.
If you tell her, it's your fault.
YOU cannot win here and sadly it's not your place to warn her or fix him.
I would just walk away from both of th... (read in full...)
How should I handle events when my future step daughter has her first child
Q. I am engaged and not married yet. My fiance has two adult children from a previous marriage. They aren't in contact with him too much, forgetting him on Father's Day, Christmas and his birthday. No cards(sometimes there is a card), phone calls or ...
A. 23 July 2013: I love my dad but we are distant and always were. My mom is deceased. My dad's partner is treated and considered as a stepmom (they do not marry for fiscal reasons only). HER grandchildren are young and call my dad Pop-pop. He treats her ... (read in full...)
"Girlfriends before friends" -- why?
Q. Hi I want honest opinons in this. I;ve read so many questions about female friends being ditched their male friend gets a gf and I notice in every single one people say, "so they should" "girlfriends come first" etc. I have been on the receiving...
A. 23 July 2013: I understand your pain and confusion OP but sometimes just like you pick up on your friend's GF's real feelings, SHE picked up on yours.
YOU may not even know how you are feeling or what you are projecting.
I have watched younger wome... (read in full...)
Sex has got rough since we have got closer. Why is this?
Q. Dear all. Your views would be much appreciated. My bf and I have had a pretty turbulent relationship over the last two years. I was ready to leave a few months back,and since then, his behaviour had changed towards me in a good way. He now treats ...
A. 23 July 2013: There may be a connection but why can't you ask him?
are you afraid to ask him why it's changed?
... (read in full...)
I want his girlfriend to know he's been cheating on her with me!
Q. So I've been talking/hooking up with this guy and he has a girlfriend of a few years... I don't want to change my situation with him yet but I do want her to know what he's doing. She seems like a really good (virginal) girl... How could I do this ...
A. 23 July 2013: I don’t want to change my situation with him YET….
But clearly you do WANT to change it eventually. DO YOU THINK telling her he’s cheating will change it? IT won’t.
If she is NOT your friend but rather his gf, she is sadly NOT your c... (read in full...)
If you have cheated before, are you not worthy of any future relationships? Are cheaters really 'red flags'?
Q. I have read so many questions and responses on DC. The most common response or feedback is IF HE OR SHE HAS CHEATED ON HIS/HER GIRLFRIEND/BOYFRIEND OR WIFE/HUSBAND BEFORE, YOU SHOULD NOT BE WITH HIM/HER BECAUSE HE/SHE WOULD DO THE SAME TO YOU! ...
A. 23 July 2013: Worthy? who defines worthy? who sits at a big desk making judgements about what people do and do not deserve?
does an abusive drunk deserve to be allowed to drink and abuse people?
I do not believe that ONCE a cheater ALWAYS a cheater... (read in full...)
Guy seems to date a girl but still makes eye contact with me
Q. Hi Everyone, There is this one guy in school whom I met the first time on the train as we both came from the airport back to the dorm together. We saw each other from time to time and in the beginning, made brief gestures to say hello, either mu...
A. 23 July 2013: now that he has a gf he's more comfortable making eye contact with a woman (you) who is clearly interested in him when he is not interested in her that way.
I agree with the concept that you are over thinking this.... (read in full...)
What he said broke my heart
Q. Hi My bf currently stays with his mother as he needs to take care of some family business. I went to meet him a week back and we had a small fight as i wanted to spend more time with him and he wants to hang around with his friends. I wa...
A. 23 July 2013: stop calling him
stop begging him to be nice
stop expecting him to be nice
DO NOT sleep with him EVER AGAIN--get a new man!
stop considering a man that calls you a hooker to respect you or be your boyfriend.
do not take his calls (and i... (read in full...)
Can you love someone and still cheat on them for so long?
Q. I have been in a true heart dilemma for the past year. It all started when I went back to work after my maternity leave, I was 34 at the time. I was married at the time going through a separation. I found my work to be a relief from the stress a...
A. 23 July 2013: OP you ask:
“Should I write him a letter?”
Sure as long as you don’t mail it. Write down anything you want to tell him, get it all out then either seal it up and put it away to find after you are healed or burn it. DO NOT SEND IT.
“Wa... (read in full...)
Boyfriend of 4 weeks slept with me, but he's still using dating sites!
Q. Help, what do I do? I have been dating my boyfriend about 4 weeks last night we slept together. I was under the understanding we were exclusive as he said but then I went to delete my dating account only to be horrified that he is still activily ...
A. 23 July 2013: He SAID you were exclusive? He specifically told you that he deactivated his account?
I agree that 4 weeks of dating is not a lot of time.
even with twice a week that's only 8 dates....
and if it's more than twice a week it's movin... (read in full...)
He's in a relationship, but is he attracted to me?
Q. Hi everyone. I need guys opinion. If a guy teases you a lot would that mean he likes you? Or is it just for a play? I have a guy friend from uni who always say he likes me. but its all for fun. I never took it seriously. But everyday he does...
A. 23 July 2013: And if he is what will change? NOTHING because he has a partner.
I find folks attractive all the time. I'm partnered so it does not matter as I would not do anything to jeopardize the relationship I am in.
It sounds like he likes you bu... (read in full...)
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