A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I are both in our late 20's and we've been living together for 3 years. Four days ago we got into a pretty bad argument where I suggested a break up in the heat of the moment (not something I want at all) and he agreed to. I then took it back almost immediately, apologized and said that's that last thing I want. I asked if he would forgive me, but he was very angry and screamed that he doesn't love and told me I already said we should break up. Then he ended up leaving and I texted him once saying that I hoped he would come home soon and forgive me. I said how sorry I was and told him how much I care about him. He finally came home the next afternoon. I noticed that he "hid" his relationship status on Facebook, although he didn't completely remove it. I thought it was a little childish, but it hurt my feelings anyway. When he got back I decided to give him space so I pretty much stayed out of his way. He mostly avoided me too and then he made small talk and offered to make me dinner. I would only respond when he started the conversation and I was "nice", but didn't say a lot because I wanted us to both completely cool off. The next day was mostly the same as well. He has also been sleeping on the couch, but he had been a week prior to the argument because we both were not getting enough sleep with his work schedule and we decided together that we slept better this way. Yesterday I felt like we had somewhat of a breakthrough because we were having almost normal conversations and we went grocery shopping together. When I went to bed I decided to say goodnight since things seemed to be going well. I went to give him a hug and he just gave me a little pat on the shoulders. Then I tried to kiss him and he turned so I got his cheek, then I tried again and he gave me the coldest peck on the lips ever. I felt so sad, but I tried to remain cheerful like it didn't bother me. This morning I really didn't feel well so I woke up early. He was sleeping on the couch and I asked if I could cuddle next to him for a bit. He groaned and seemed angry, but moved over so I could lay down. He twisted his body in a way so that he was just barely touching me the least amount possible. This has been the 4th day now since the argument and we are having normal conversations, but he is completely withholding affection. He just left for work and he ran out of the door saying, "see you". :(Before the argument he was extremely affectionate and loved kissing, cuddling, holding my hand, etc. I hope he doesn't really think we are broken up (although I'm honestly afraid to ask at this point because I don't want to start another fight), but he never said anything about either of us moving out. In fact before this he was planning on buying a house for us before this and he continued to ask for my input last night. Like I said I really don't want to bring up the break up again at least for quite a while because he is very prideful and I really believe that it will set him off again instead of help. I'm getting very worried about how things are going and I'm starting to feel like not trying anymore for fear of more rejection. Should I back off and give him even more space for the next few days or should I keep trying? It feels so awkward now that he won't let me touch him at all, but I don't want him to think I'm ok with this new platonic arrangement either. I really don't want to lose him and I'm afraid that I will if I do the wrong thing during this time. Do you think it's over? Please help!
View related questions:
a break, facebook, kissing, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (25 July 2013):
 I loathe the egg shell flooring… All manner of insecurities start swirling around in my head when we don’t resolve an issue after an argument. (Those particular issues involve whether we should stay together.) Yet both of us tend to retreat to lick our wounds and gather perspective. But ‘never’ are we in separate beds unless it’s HUGE!On the one occasion it was huge, we gave each other space, I continued to cook dinner for him and went about my business knowing he needed time to recover and regain his thoughts. On the third day I had enough of his and my Arctic Zone. Since I’m the problem solver around here I simply approached him when he was doing the dishes and hugged him. The dish water went cold by the time we finished taking :)If your argument gave rise for you to suggest a break-up, then this would naturally un-nerve anyone’s feeling of stability in their relationship. A retraction of these words although sincere is also harder to accept once it’s been said :( So I need to ask as would he; is there some truth in these words? Plus this separate sleeping arrangement may sound practical at first, but in view of this present situation it’s not a good feeling?Now if you’re at a crossroad in this relationship because of this blurt, you are best to decide if it is time to let him go or work at it wholeheartedly together. Whilst we can say things in anger it is always best to keep our anger in-check for fear of reviling our sub-conscious truth or having the consequence of walking on egg shell flooring. We all live and learn, so start talking to him, the argument is over with, so you’re simply finding out how he’s feeling and get back into the same bed :)Take Care – CAA
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (24 July 2013):
 You two need to start talking. You both think you can read each other, and I don't think you can (at least not all the time) YOU NEED to clarify with him what's up and how you two can fix it or move on, this isn't viable for the both of you.
I agree with SVC - I'm one popsicle when I'm mad - I back off and I WANT space and to be left to think. But we have a rule that says don't go to bed mad, so we usually talk it out after a little cool down. The fact that you two sleep separate is not helping either.
YOU are not OK with the current situation so TALK.
A relationship is not easy if you are walking on eggshells.
...............................
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (24 July 2013):
 There is a very fine line between a cooling-off period following a bad fight and emotionally punishing your partner for having the fight in the first place. Most people take time to cool down, some longer than others, and it's similar to a cat or dog who was previously in full fight mode gradually calming down and their ruffled fur slowly un-ruffling. That's normal, usually takes a day or two, and things return to normal.
However days on end of silent treatment, withholding affection, short cutting remarks, and the like cross the line. Where one is simply a recovery from the stress of a fight, the other is deliberate, manipulative punishment designed to break their partner. It is an immature response designed to stroke one's own ego with the emotional anguish of their partner.
In this case, I think it's not only the second, but the eagerness on which your boyfriend embraced the idea of breaking up is suspect to me. You shouldn't have used it as a tactic, because it's a Nuclear event, and even suggesting it changes a relationship forever. I wonder why you suggested it in the first place in the fight.
If I didn't know any better, I'd say he was hoping to push you to saying it in the fight. Many people are unhappy in their relationship and want to break up, but are too cowardly to simply end things, so an argument or fight becomes an opportunity to "push" their partner into being the bad guy and saying the Nuclear Words, which they jump on with seemingly too much eagerness, ignoring their partner's regrets in saying it and desire to give the relationship it's due.
What you should do:
First, stop fearing rejection. Stop walking on eggshells. I mean it. Never ever be too desperate to do what you must or to not tolerate manipulative behavior, and by his actions, he's definitely moved well beyond "cooling off" and is now emotionally bludgeoning you.
Second, you need to sit with him and tell him it's enough, and that his behavior has gone well beyond propriety concerning your fight, and that while you've given him space to cool down and that you have made up and continue to regret your words of breaking up, this can't continue.
Don't be afraid to tell him to either get over what's making him act cruelly toward you, or you're serious this time -- you will not tolerate an unhealthy relationship dynamic. Tell him the choice is his, either get back engaged in the health of the relationship and full communication with you, or he needs to walk so that you can grieve losing him and move on. He needs to get out of the couch and back in your bed TONIGHT, or he needs to leave.
This is a moment of truth in your relationship, and what you do now determines its ultimate future. If it's really over, it's over, and no sense hovering in limbo terrified that he'll leave. What is the worst that can happen? His leaving is BETTER than the hell that's wasting both of your time now, and if he pushed the argument to the breakup point, it needs to happen on YOUR terms now. Otherwise, you not putting up with his emotional abuse is the only way to restore his respect for you and ultimately, his esteem. He has to know that his behavior cannot produce the results he wants...meaning a terrified, huddling, desperate, squeamish, and mewling partner who will kowtow, genuflect, and NEVER ever again challenge him. Very unhealthy.
Two people operating on mutual love and respect must be able to fight knowing that even in a fight, the object is to overcome it and make the relationship stronger. You erred greatly in using a breakup as a tactic to get the upper hand when you didn't mean it, and now you might have to own those words, even if you take them back. You can't unscramble an egg, call back a bullet, unblend a drink. But you still have the right to not be treated like he is treating you. You apologized for your part in the fight, so stop doing that. He needs to get over it and grow up now. Four days is beyond enough. It's crossed the line from cool-down to emotional punishment. You do the rejecting...of his behavior.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (24 July 2013):
 I'm often cold to my husband after a fight. I just can't warm up.
We however have a rule in our house that says we must sleep in the same bed if we are under the same roof... the fact that he moved to the couch even for a "decent" reason is disconcerting for me.
I don't think it's over but I think he's rethinking it.
I think you need to ask him... "HOW ARE WE?" which is very different from "how are YOU?"
WE being US as a couple...
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2013): He may just have someone else...After an argument in which you apologised, he came back the next day? hid his status in facebook? does not want any physical affection? hmnn smells like someone else in the wings, and the argument and sleeping separately week before due to "schedules" sounds more like something else.I hope I'm wrong, and that he is just very very hurt by the argument, so you will need to give him time to get over it and return the actions that go with words. In the heat of the argument he also said "I don't love you" - not a good sign at all, even if things are said we don't mean, like you saying you want to break up. I used to say that a lot in the beginning of my relationship, when I was frustrated or didn't know how to handle things. As you mature, grow and love the one you are with, you will stop using that phrase because the last thing you want is to break up, instead, you want things to be good!Good Luck
...............................
|
