A
female
age
36-40,
*oveisreal317
writes:Hi guys, I have another semi-unfortunate family-in-law issue.It basically revolves around my soon to be mother in law. My fiance and I became engaged after 10 years of great friendship and a year of dating. We now live together and share everything, including the bills (minus my student loans from college, which are mine and mine alone). We are only 24 years old and completely on our own. My mother in law can't seem to mind her own business when it comes to...well...anything!For example, You know how sometimes when someone else is talking on their cell phone you can here the other person at the other end of the line clear as day? Well my fiance was talking to his mother today and out of nowhere she asks if I found a second job. Um, what? Why would I need to do that? She then went on to say "well she should work more hours, at least 40, because WE ALL need to do our part and pull our weight". That's EXACTLY what she said.The reason I'm upset is 1)I work anywhere from 32 to 36 hours a week and my fiance works about 38 to 40. I think that's a pretty fair amount of hours for us both. I work a few less hours a week because I take care of the house work, cleaning, etc and I also do all the cooking and take care of the animals. My fiance and I are fine with that. It works for us. We pay our bills on time and save the rest of our money.2) What exactly is this "we" she is speaking of. The last time I checked the only "we" I had to concern myself with was myself and my soon to be husband. She always makes everything seem like it somehow involves her. I know everyone is going to say that she just wants to stay in my fiance life, but she is! All. The. Time. I really feel like since she doesn't take care of us and she most certainly doesn't pay for anything and most importantly we are starting OUR lives together, she needs to seriously realize that yes he's her son, but our work and our financial responsibility among other things, is absolutely none of her business.I don't feel like I can say anything to her and I'm not entirely sure how to talk to my fiance about it, but something has got to give. I can't handle her always always always trying to pry into our private life as almost husband and wife. I feel like she needs to realize her boundaries, but I just don't know what to do. I'm not even sure where to begin with this silliness.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (8 August 2013):
 as you two get older you will find that toxic parents (like your future MIL) are best left to just holidays and occasional visits.
you can pick your friends and your chosen family but you cannot pick your blood relatives and there is NO NEED to submit yourself to torture. IF you and your fiance are on the same page, then nothing more need be done... keeping her at arms length and dismissing her comments with "thank you mom I'll take your input under advisement I have to go now" and then hanging up on her will eventually lead to her subconsciously realizing that she's getting nowhere.
if you want her as part of your lives then you two must accept the limitations of her as a person. Parents are human and we have our faults.... but I truly believe we do the best we can given our limitations.
if he has talked to her and she takes no heed, then play the reward game with her.. reward her for good comments and good behavior and WALK OUT or hang up on her when she says inappropriate things.
A
female
reader, loveisreal317 +, writes (8 August 2013):
loveisreal317 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi everyone! Thank you so much for your responses. Before I continue, I just wanted to remind a few folks that what I was writing about was not how we chose to live our lives together and how many hours we worked or how we want to raise our children...if you must know, we completely agree on everything in that respect. The issue I was writing about is his mother being nosy all the time and saying really rude and unnecessary things about me. I was using our "life set-up", if that's what you want to call it, as an example.I guess I should mention that my fiance's mother used to be friendly with me on the few times I saw her when we were younger, but now, since we've been together, it's always her putting my down and saying horrible things about me at every turn.My fiance and his mother did have a very long talk once about the whole situation of maybe not talking so much smack about me and not interfering with things that didn't involve her, which she then threw way out of proportion and they had a HUGE argument over it. I think my fiance doesn't want that to happen again (his mother is waaaaayyyy too overly dramatic and always plays the victim card). I should probably also add that all this interest in his private affairs is very recent. Like, within the last year. My fiance has an older brother and their mother loves playing favorites. She's never really taken an interest in my fiance until I came along. I'm not entirely sure what that means and I probably never will.A couple of other things is my fiance doesn't share my or our personal business with his mother and anything she tries to butt-in or gets too nosy he ignores her inquiries completely. Which is fine I guess until she starts going around calling her other son and his "baby mama" or their father and telling these completely made up this about me like I don't work enough or I never contribute. We never offer her any explanations, we're just tired of the nosiness and unsolicited "advice".I know my fiance doesn't want to completely cut her out of his life, even if she isn't that great too him, I mean it is his mother. But the constant battle of trying to have a little privacy from her is ridiculous. It's almost like anytime she visits us, it's just to extract information-she's like a weird mom in law spy. I'm baffled as to why she keeps trying to put me down and make me look like a terrible person.
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A
female
reader, newbern  +, writes (8 August 2013):
You need to have a proper word with him.
If he's so passive and doesn't stand up to her nicely but very firmly, then you're in for a bit of a nightmare in the years ahead.
She is absolutely out of order.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (8 August 2013):
Unless your fiance agrees with his mother there is nothing to be done.
like you said it's between you and your fiance and not his mother.
IF he does NOTHING and just lets her vent and ignores her then that is his way of handling it and you need to learn to let it roll off your back the way he does.
If she is just venting to him about you, and not speaking to you directly there is nothing you should say to her.
as for the "WE all need to do our part" I believe she is using the "royal" we. In other words it's a generic statement in general about people and does NOT mean she is inserting herself into your life.
Just like you are entitled to your opinion she is entitled to hers. It does not mean you and your fiance have to take heed. It may just be that he's learned that letting her vent is the easiest way to get around it... and by not acknowledging her comments he gives them no strength or value.
Letting her have her say even if he does not agree is his way of letting her blow off her steam and resentment.
you say you can't handle her TRYING to pry into your business, that leads me to believe she's not really getting in. If that's the case, you need to grow a thicker skin and learn to let it roll off your back...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2013): did your fiance respond to his mom regarding the hours of your job? did he say that you don't need a second job and that you work enough hours? he needs to stand-up for you. You can tell him quite honestly that you over heard their conversation and you were wondering what he thinks about his mom suggestion? however I agree with eyeswideopen, there is nothing you can do, no offense but you can't tell your mother in law to mind her own business, if you do, it will create a lot of problems. It's up to your fiance, just avoid being next him if he is talking to her on the phone. Keep in mind anything your soon to be mother in law says, is not to hurt you but to protect her son. Soon you will have your own children and then you will understand how she feels. Try to get along with her for yourself, for him and for your future. Once you get married, you are family and you will spend a lot of time with her. All will be well !!
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (8 August 2013):
 Oh, and if your fiancee is the one who gives out information to his mother then talk to him about boundaries of privacy, what should stay between the two of you and what is public knowledge. And don't tell him things he might end up sharing with his mother if this information can be used against you. Or be specific about what information you'd like to keep private. For example if you are looking for a new job, tell him you don't want ANYONE else to know (or if you think he can remember it, tell him to not tell his mother).
Another good tactic would be to include a family member she loathes, or just anyone else but her. Tell them everything you plan, things you do, information about this or that. And then don't tell the mother, so she ends up hearing it from a third party. That works excellent to make her feel small and show her you find her insignificant. And of course, play innocent if she confronts you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2013): sometimes its hard for us to step up to the plate when our mother in law have a hard time accepting the fact that their beloved son have another woman in his life besides her.....they become selfish & they like meddling into our business. Trust me I know I have been dating my husband for 6 years & married for 2 years with two kids, my husband was a complete momma's boy when I met him, his entire life he have a joining bank account with his mom & she monitor EVERY dime he spend with his money. We live together in our own apartment for 5 years just like you guys and we share everything....paying our rent & everything. She would call him and ask why he spend too much money on a restaurant he took me to for my birthday.His mom got him wrap around her finger that he apologized. Until we have our kids he start telling her to mind her own business and to stop treating him like a baby. Well he finally got rid of her from his bank account (finally) and add me. Your mother in law behavior is going to get out of control IF your soon to be husband let her say whatever she wants just like mine.....my mother in law & her controlling & bossy behavior in the past makes me HATES he now....I have to deal with her nonsense for 6 damn years before my husband stood up to her, hope you don't have to deal with that witch for that long...good luck.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (8 August 2013):
My question to you is.. when your mother in law can say whatever she pleases, why is it you feel you CAN'T say anything to her?
Please, open your mouth and just tell her what you think about her comments. Don't just be one of those people who bitch behind their backs but don't have the guts to take actions. It'll turn you sour.
So just tell her. Next time she says something, comment on it. You don't have to prove anything to her, or us. I honestly don't care about what justifications you have for working less hours.. thats YOUR business. I wouldn't have preferred to take on me all the housework, pets, cooking though, because that takes way more time than the few extra hours he works, and YOU don't get paid for it. You're not married yet, so you'll be the one who gets the shit end of the stick on that deal. But suit yourself.
Just tell his mom: Me and my fiancee (don't say "your son", claim ownership by saying MY fiancee/boyfriend/soon to be husband) have come to an agreement that fits us, and we are happy with the way things are. Please mind your own business.
I do wonder what your fiancee said to her after that line though? Doesn't he stand up to his mother and defend you? She basically called you a lazy moocher, didn't he have anything at all to say to that? No? Then you need to have that debate with him about where his loyalty is, towards his mother or towards you, because there will be battles ahead and you need to know what side he is on.
Bite back when she bites. I would recommend freezing her out by not giving her any explanation for why you do this or that, only tell her that you have arranged so and so and it is your business. If she wants to snoop, tell her it is private. Don't hand out information or justification or stories about how the dynamic works in your relationship. It'll frustrate her to no end and she'll finally give up. For example, if you plan a trip don't tell his mother before you leave. Just leave without giving her the information. You need to take her out of the loop. She shouldn't even know how many hours you work, she knows too much. Don't give her any information from now on.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (8 August 2013):
 It's all up to your fiancé I'm afraid. If he doesn't feel his mother is meddling in things she shouldn't then you pretty much have no other choice but to ignore her as best you can.
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