A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:How to tell him that's not what I want? I was on a trip, and met this guy. The way he dressed and acted I didn't know he was so young, 30. I am in my 40s with grown child. We spend couple days together, and on a second day I stayed with him in his hotel, and we had sex, 4 times. I even cried a little when he left. He was so sweet and I felt like if it wasn't for age difference I could be with him. I didn't know we ll keep writing to each other, but we do. I live across the country, but travel a lot. And actually it's just happened that for work I travell to his part of the world and see him every 2 months. Every time we spend from 3 days to a week together. Once I even was invited to his birthday, and I felt like it was a mistake. Doesnt matter how young I look, I am still in my 40s and of course age difference is obvious. Though his friends acted very nice and tried not look at me funny, I noticed couple of ,looks, and I am sure they all are trying to guess my age. Though he introduces me as his friend that he met abroad, it's probably impossible not to notice that there is more going on. This time I am going to be in his city twice in one month, in the beginning and the end of the month,and it happened to be his friends wedding. And he wants me to come with him. Ok, now it becomes a bit too much for me. I am at the stage of my life where I don't want any boyfriends or even companions. I will never marry again, or don't want any relationship. I don't think I am a relationship type of person. My job takes me all over the world, and I love it. I like myself more without a guy thatn with. I am actually not very nice when I am in a relationship. I get bored and bothered by responsibilities of taking care of another person, and advice with that person at all times. This guy is kind of perfect as he lives far, we don't see each other on a regular basis. Though I do really like him, and I sense he really likes me also, I don't want any birthdays parties, see his friends, parents, and coworkers. I d like to keep it to the level of me and him spending few days together and that's it. I don't really understand why he wants to do more.I am going to see him again next month, and don't know how to avoid this wedding. He is making big plans for us, and that includes a lot connected with that wedding. The way he plans it it's unavoidable for people not to know that we are involved sexually. He always tells me how hot I am, and in sex he is just the best. I don't want to scare him of, as he is kind of a rare find, but I also don't want him to get an ideas that I want to do the whole thing with families and friends. My daughter also lives few hours away from where he does, that's why my trips there are so frequent. They never met, as I really don't want that to happen. He is only a few years older than her. Actually initially when I met him on my trip I thought of introducing them, as she didn't have a boyfriend then. But then we had sex with him, and it became impossible, and also my daughter met someone and now has a boyfriend. How to tell him that, any ideas?
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (6 August 2013):
 Well I'll ask you like I do everyone who fights an age gap relationship... how would you handle it if he was 10 years OLDER than you or he was your age?
What changes when the man is younger? He's 30 not 13. He's a grown man. My ex husband was the father of two at 30. My dad also.
I'm 53 I have a 29 yr old son and a 27 yr old son. And when folks ask me how old my kids are in front of my now husband he adds "don't forget your 40 yr old" and he points to himself....
I'm the one who's way more uncomfortable with the age gap than my husband. I didn't plan to marry him or have him be more than a boy toy on the side... funny how our plans never work out.
If you like him and like spending time with him, let him know that... also know you will risk losing the great sex with him because he may very well be seeking a life partner and since you do not wish to be serious with him, he may leave and find someone else but it's not fair of you to lead him on.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2013): Haha, Sageoldguy, bu thanks anyway, I guess.....
May be I am overthinking it, i would rather keep it just casual. It's not a big deal for me going to wedding, but it's not particularly what I would want to be doing. That's why I asked how to gently tell him, no, without offending him.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (31 July 2013):
 Next time you will be visiting him... print out a copy of this submittal.... after meeting, hand the copy to him and say, "Hey, (his name here), I wrote this, and it's about you and me, and I'd like your opinion about it. What say?"
Following that, you will get all the "answer" that you need. Anything that we Aunts and Uncles can tell you, makes no difference....
Good luck....
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (31 July 2013):
 I think you may be overthinking this. Probaly he does not see taking you to this wedding as some major stepping stone toward a more committed relationship. Simply,.... he does not want to miss ot on anything. The wedding is in the same few days you are there - he wants to go to this wedding, AND he wants to spemd time with you ( and probably having you conventiently close for having sex right after the ceremoby ). He is killing two birds with a stone, what's wrong with that ?...
Do things really have to be so black or white, so either - or ? I think your friend realizes perfectly the limitations of a physical,lomg distance, age gap relationship, and he has not proven or hinted that he want to see it become more. But, no need to act all cloak and dagger- FWB are FRIENDS with benefits, and surely can act friendly to each other and join each other's social events- in fact, that's how it should be in theory , also if in practice people use it as meaning " casual sex only ".
As for his friends imagining that you too are intimate, you can bet they do, so ? You are both single and of age, there's nothing to be ashamed about. In fact, his friends are probably envious of him and telling him " you lucky dog ! "- blame it on Demi Moore, or Madonna, or maybe even before going back to Mrs. Robinson, the savvy, sophisticated ,attractive older woman is a very common fantasy of young males, a popular sex icon, and a bit of a status symbol if you can get one. Hadn't you noticed yet ?...
As for your daughter, she lives HOURS away, not next door to him, - if you do not take personally care to coordinate a meet up, it is very improbable they should meet by chance.
If what I say does not convince you, though, ok, you can tell him simply and honestly what you have in mind, it's not offensive per se and you'll formulate it in a non offensive way. I.e. that you really like and enjoy what you have between you right now, that if it ain't broke don't fix it, and that you fear bringing any innovations to this delicate balance may make things awkward or less enjoyable and carefree for you, reason for which you'd rather keep it strictly one- on- one, and you don't want a social dimensions added to it ,so please no famili, friends etc.
Ler me tell you though that ... it sounds such a pity :)- for once there's a round a sexy younger man that not only is good in bed, but he is also relaxed, wellbred and self confident enough to act NORMAL and wanting to enjoy you as a person, and not just a source of orgasms... and you balk at that ?!
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