A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi I want honest opinons in this. I;ve read so many questions about female friends being ditched their male friend gets a gf and I notice in every single one people say, "so they should" "girlfriends come first" etc.I have been on the receiving end of this an it truely hurts but please explain WHY do new girlfriends come before life long friends. If the girlfriend is jealous and the friend had does nothing wrong, surely that makes the girlfriend in the wrong? WHY would they want to be with someone like that and then stick up for their gf even though they know what shes like over a genuine friend who's never let them down. WHY admit they are jealous and then be fine with it?Why would anyone want to be with someone who get jealous of them having friends, I;ve always put mates before lads. If someone upsets your long term bf gf husband or wife I totally understand. But what if they're jealous in the first place, Sadly I made the mistake of speaking afew home truths about my friends girlfriend who I didnt like and as a result hes cut contact with me although we have spoken in person since the fall out, she didnt seem happy with that either. Problem was it was her jealousy that meant i could barely see him that wound me up and drove me to that. As I say I was wrong and I can only hope things sort themselves out in the future.But seriously, why do gfs come first? They say "but thats your future" I'm sorry but I know very few people who have just had the one bf/gf. They aren't necessarily your future and in my case yes they;re still together but she definately doesn;t have a good reputation. Bfs/gfs come and go, friends are for life, not just for when your single. I don't believe that they should be treated any differently. Ofc friendships fall apart but so do relationships.Please explain the logic in why most agony aunts on here state that they should distance themselves from female friends. Sometimes boys and girls make the best of friends, and I know that was definately my case. This isn't a question specifially bout my case but it makes me angry to see so many say move on when if you naturally befriend boys better it will happen again.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2013): Gf's come first because :(a) he sleeps with her not with you, so they have a level of bonding/connection that you don't have with him (b) romantic relationships also frequently include living together or seeing each other a whole lot more than friends see each other. that means that it's vitally important that they get along with each other and not upset each other, because he sees her a lot more than he sees you. If she's mad at him, he has no escape whereas if you were mad at him, well you don't live with him so the stakes are lower.(c) Serious romantic relationships are assumed to eventually lead to marriage and building a family together. that means the partners forge a common identity as a single unit. They tie their futures to each other. You don't have that level of commitment with friends. This means he will feel closer or more bonded to his gf than to you even if you've known him way longer than she has, and even though you may even know him better than she does.(c) romantic relationships are supposed to be exclusive, so anything that even remotely resembles a competing romantic relationship makes the gf freak out. This is why gf's get jealous of the female friends, they view them as potential competition. On the other hand, friendships are not exclusive - you can have as many friends as you want, no one cares, you don't freak out if your friend has other friends. However, it is not advised for a guy to get with or stay with a jealous gf. if he has to give up his longtime friendships for his romantic relationship or even for his marriage, that means the gf/wife comes with a heavy cost. Not all guys are willing to pay this price, because friends are great and necessary for a balanced life, and some guys realize this and value their friendships. some guys also have a deep sense of loyalty to friends they have known a long time, they see them as family. Thus, a jealous gf demanding they give up their friends will not sit well with this type of guy.I have known guys who dumped their gf's because the gf was too jealous. But if a guy hasn't dumped his gf, that means he has decided that he's getting enough benefit from his relationship that giving up your friendship is an acceptable tradeoff. That's just his own internal cost-benefit analysis which you can't do anything about, and so you just have to accept his decision that your friendship didn't mean *enough* to him to rock the boat with his gf.However, it's also possible that such guys will come around but often it could take years because how it works is that the guy ends up having to give up more and more friends and activities to keep the jealous gf OK. Finally he will reach a breaking point where he has decided enough is enough and he can't give up any more. But it could take years before he gets to this point.I know it sucks to be 'suddenly' treated by your friend as if you're not a friend anymore even though you didn't do anything wrong. That's happened to me many times. you feel like your friendship didn't mean anything to him because he can so easily kick you to the curb, and you feel replaced. I get that. it really sucks. You just have to look for another friend, then. Like I said, there are guys who would not do this, or who would get with gf's who are not jealous and wont' make them give you up.I encourage my husband to see his female friends. Some of them he has known all his life, long before I met him. They are like his sisters. I believe that a man who has female friends is overall more sensitive and caring and 'emotionally intelligent' than a man who only has male friends. I believe men who have female friends tend to be less chauvinistic, they tend to treat all women with more respect than men who only have male friends. This is important for advancing society because we still live in a world where women are paid less than men, get promoted less, and where sexual violence against women is too rampant and with too few consequences for the perpetrators.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (24 July 2013):
 Because, whether you like it or not, there's a social and emotional pecking order that puts official gf first and best female friend far second, insofar the gf is supposed to be not only an object of love and lust but also his fist BEST friend, and because she wants to be the most important woman in the bf's life, otherwise why even bother dating.
In my experience, with the exception of a few cases of pathological jealousy, in general the gf does not demand her guy to totally cancel from the picture his female friends, ( and in general the guy is not so pussywhipped to obey meekly ) - only those who try to muscle their way into gf's territory and do not understand, or pretend not to understand, that the rules have changed.
For instance : hanging out with the couple, sure, or with a common circle of friends , even in absence of the gf, no prob. Intimate cozy one to one dinners , no- that's like a date, even if platonic, if he wants to go on dates, he has his girl. Or : every now and then random phone call to update each other on what's going on and shot the breeze a few minutes, fine. Daily or nightly long exchanges of texts with intimate soul searching sessions, no- there's a level of closeness and intimacy that befits the official partner and another one for friends . This does not depend from time ( who arrived on the scene first ) but from roles. Some times the best friend has a hard time graciously conceding she does not have the same role and prerogatives of an official partner, and needs to be reminded... not too gently.
Of course this particular girl MIGHT be a monster of crazy, possessive paranoia and have set out to destroy all his previous bonds. But ,alas, in this case surely it does not help that you rubbed her the wrong way and spoke your home truths,- you don't catch many flies with vinegar, and your strategy , if any, should have been to reassure her and make her understand that you are no competition and no threat to her relationship, and that you like her just for the joy she brings to your friend.
Plus, supposing your friend is just a pussywhipped lapdog who's putty in the hands of a jealous woman- at the end of the day- if he is happy, that's all it should count for you, if you were really his best friend, you'd be happy too about his happiness, no matter what shape it takes.
I also want to add that there is the possibility that this friendship was anyway more serious and important and vital for you than for him. As in many couples there's one who loves and another one who lets himself/herself be loved- that happens in friendships too. Your friend might be head over heels in love yet , unless he is a spineless idiot- people FIGHT for what really matters to them. So, probably, if your friendship had really mattered much to him, he would not have been so fast to cut you off and side with the gf over you.
As sad and disappointing as it is,- we can't shove our caring loving feelings down the throat of somebody, neither in relationships nor in friendships. At times we have to accept there's an imbalance, throw the towel and move on. I think this may be the case with you- I don't know if you realize that, by putting ALL the responsibility of your falling out on the evil gf, and none on your friend, you are accusing of being a mindless wuss and fairwheatever friend- and if he really is so, why would you even care to rekindle a friendship with such a character ?
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (23 July 2013):
 I understand your pain and confusion OP but sometimes just like you pick up on your friend's GF's real feelings, SHE picked up on yours.
YOU may not even know how you are feeling or what you are projecting.
I have watched younger women hit on my husband (younger to him even, meaning I am old enough to be their mother) and the fact that my husband is CLUELESS about their intent is not his fault. Men are often totally unaware of how women behave and feel.... and as such we as their partners have to tell them. Once my husband was aware of the girl crushing on him, he backed off from her fast. HIS choice. I DID NOT mandate he not be friendly with her.
My husband has asked me to NOT be friends with ONE male friend I had before we were together. I complied. I miss the friend but I respect my partner's feelings and needs more than anyone else.
The mere fact that this bugs you so much and leaves you so upset tells me that maybe he had a valid reason that you are not seeing.
FWIW, I could not have a best friend who was a guy. How would I discuss girl things with him? IF you say "I don't need to discuss girl things with my best friend" I ask you.. who then would you talk to about those personal things then?
Often we are too close to the situation to see what WE bring to it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2013): If you were a half decent friend in the first place, you would want him to be happy and support his choices, that's what friends do. It does definitely sound like you're the jealous one, who wanted more than friendship, otherwise you wouldn't have tried to manipulate your friend against his girlfriend.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2013): Do you know that she actually asked him to stop seeing you? Perhaps she was upset because she thought you were competing with you for his attention and he offered to see you less. She may not have forced him into it. And she may not be acting nice to your face but being nasty behind your back. I've met some of my boyfriends female friends and been jealous of how pretty they are and how they've been more involved in his life so far than I have. However, even if they make me uncomfortable, I have always been nice to them because they've always been nice to me, and I would never ask my boyfriend not to see them. But he has offered to spend less time with them to make me more comfortable. I have never asked him to, and I would never be anything less than nice to those girls. Perhaps you picked up on her nervousness around you and interpreted it wrongly.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (23 July 2013):
 I think at times FRIENDS don't remember to give the FRIEND some space while the relationship is new - and if you add a friendship where they are opposite genders, again some GF's are insecure, some FRIENDS are insecure. Some GF's think it's a competition, an yet again some FRIENDS do too. A new COUPLE need alone time - they need to be TWO people in a relationship. Which means... AS A FRIEND you need to just back off a little - no drunk texting - burp pick me up if you KNOW he is with her. No calling at all hours or texting. Accept that the GF is the main focus. Does it mean as soon as they get a GF you have to stop talking ? No, it just means that YOU have to give him a little space.
I don't think a GF should ALWAYS come first - a guy needs (and so does the GF) to hang with friends too - both together (mix up all their friends) and perhaps separate.
And as for criticizing a friend's GF, can be a bag of mixed results. You don't know her (in most cases) the same way HE does. You learned a hard lesson (lost a friend) because you FELT YOUR opinion was MORE important then HIS feelings for her. Now the GF could have been an utter cow, but as a friend you need to learn when it's APPROPRIATE to tell him and when it's just your OWN green-eyed monster that is showing up.
Most of my friends are male. Always have been. I have NEVER had trouble not being able to maintain a friendship because a GF got jealous. For the most part I have always taken the time to get to know her (when they are at a stage where they aren't totally consumed by each others company) and for the most part I have gotten along with them, some I didn't care much for, but since my friend was OVER the moon over her, then I was happy for him. And this is 25+ year friendships I'm talking about.
YOU make it ALL about you. It's not. He didn't get a GF to piss you off. I think you forgot that.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2013): I'm the original posted. Everyones saying how you now made yourself look a threat, or he would introduce you as a none threat blah blah..What if she was jealous of you before she even knew you? Maybe shes not the lovely inncoent girl? She was a difficult one because she didnt like me t all, but obviously the one time I did meet her she was very two faced n acted fine, it became apprant that her kindness was an act afterwards. Like i say her being like that drove me to say what I did (all of which was true but i realise it was very wrong however time cannot be turned back, ive learnt my lesson.) It isnt fair to just suddenly be not wanted anymore all because your friend can't stand up to his jealous gf, its ok for her to be jealous and say stuff about me and stop him seeing me, what if one day she does hurt him, he wont regret ever cutting me out his life will he? And why should I be there as much as I'd want to because thats what Im like, I'll do anything to not fall out with anyone.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2013): Like the others have said, it's not your place to show the new girlfriend your place in your friend's life. It's not your place to antagonise her for taking him away.As the chosen (potential) life partner, she takes precedence over you no questions asked. He's chosen her to be his best friend, his other half, potential mother of his children, the one he wants by his side 24/7. There's no contest.In future, don't muscle in between a couple. You're no longer the good friend he had after what you said to his partner. You are the crazy woman who insulted her. You've ruined whatever chance of him introducing you non threateningly into the picture. You betrayed his trust by using what he told you in confidence to hurt the woman he loves.It's not for you to decide who someone's future is. You don't have a clue. It's incredibly disrespectful to assume someone's girlfriend doesn't mean anything because she's new. Not your place to decide.You want a friend who is not spoken for and who will put you first? Find your own partner.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (22 July 2013):
There is an old saying: A man cannot serve two mistresses. As true as it ever was, even if it does sound a little old fashioned in its way.
A girlfriend comes before a friend, because she is more than a friend. That, ultimately, is the point. You're right that a new girlfriend may come and go, but the difference is that a new girlfriend has the potential to be a wife, mother of children, lifetime companion, sex Goddess and everything else. A friend, no matter how old or loyal, is just a friend and can't realistically be on the same level as a girlfriend. That doesn't mean you're not important at all. You are important. But you can't realistically expect a man to be able to be the same as he was before, if he finds someone that could become a future wife. He will want to put his effort into that, and he would be right.
Unfortunately, you have made this ever so much harder for yourself. You were a friend to him, a good one, and I'm sure that if you'd bided your time, and allowed things to develop more naturally, he would have been able to spend more time with you. As it was, you massively overstepped the mark and badmouthed his new girlfriend to him. That was a mistake, because now this new girlfriend will see you as a massive threat. After all, now you are the one who appears possessive and jealous.
I wonder how you really feel about this guy? Are you sure that he is just a friend to you? Because, from the way it reads, I think you wish you were his girlfriend. Perhaps you need to think about what this friendship really is to you?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2013): It's up to the couple to set whatever parameters they wish concerning their friends of the opposite sex.
It has been my experience, that jealousy will strain a relationship at some point later on into the relationship.
However; setting potential obstacles aside early on in a "new" relationship; allows whatever existing tensions to subside or be worked out over time. There is an initial trial-period in the relationship where the couple is bonding. Certain insecurities may arise; some things can be put aside or on hold, until things solidify.
I have graciously stepped aside when any of my friends meet someone new, who may be jealous or insecure. They may just not like me. They don't have to. I'll respect that. I'm not so needy I would compete for attention anyway.
I simply allow them the courtesy. Being secure in the knowledge that my friend would, at some point; still ingratiate me back.
That is, once my emotional involvement is clearly established as platonic. Then I work my way in slowly and respectfully.
It's not always permanent. You don't have to breakup with a friend; just limit free access to your time and attention.
You shouldn't text at 3:00am; unless it is an emergency. You can't always spontaneously invite him to hangout like the good ole days. He has to work it out with his new girlfriend. She has a say, if its another single and available woman. We all get jealous. It's the degree that determines if it's an insecurity or just a natural sense of rivalry. We fight to keep a potential mate. Blame nature!
A good friend understands and will allow this. If you are too resistant or hostile to the new partner, you'll relegate yourself to the out-zone. You'll only reinforce their fears, and shields will go up.
There is no competition here. It is just a matter of proper placement and prioritizing. I always know where I stand in a friend's heart, I know better than to force them to prove they love me more than a new boyfriend. I know my place.
I have also let friends know we're in the initial trial-period; and to excuse my distance or any perceived neglect.
It's an established understanding amongst friends.
However; my new partner is also made to understand I will not tolerate hostility toward anyone I care for, to prove anything. I'm not put in the middle, and I won't do it to a friend.
People never see things in proper perspective; until the shoe is on the other foot. Then suddenly, when it hits home; it's justified. An insecure friend, is as bad as an insecure gf or bf.
Simple rule. If a male friend says his girlfriend is not comfortable with too much socializing with you; then find yourself a love-interest or date to occupy your time.
Keep contact at a minimum, because it is now occupied by someone else. Be respectful and flexible. When you are no longer considered a threat, keep a safe distance to reassure the new partner.
Most women find that hard to do, and will show her who is more important. Bad move. That is why it is advised to put the girlfriend first. They have the potential to be a wife and/or the mother of your children.
Women with single and attractive male friends, know men naturally compete for the female. They are just asking for trouble; if they don't voluntarily widen the gap between bf and male bff. Men naturally compete; when there really is no prize to be won. It's our nature.
If you are too selfish or possessive to accept this; then the jealous partner is justified to want you out of the way.
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A
female
reader, angel91 +, writes (22 July 2013):
I was always of the same opinion as you - my friends came first. That was until I met my now-fiance, and things felt a whole lot different.Friendships and relationships involve different feelings. Yes, friends love each other, but it's a completely different type of love.Just as you like to make your friends happy, it's a stronger feeling in a successful relationship, and so of course one partner will do whatever needs to be done to keep that happiness and make them feel secure.While you may feel that strong bond between you and your BF, he perhaps feels an even stronger bond with his girlfriend, so will put her first. Girls are also naturally a little more jealous than guys, and if every guy dumped every girl just because they showed a little bit of jealousy, noone would ever have sturdy relationships.I guess you'll only understand it when you're in the situation that you love someone so much that you're willing to do anything for them and for your relationship.
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