A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I don't know where to begin, I am asking for an opinion, maybe some advice, no cursing or calling me names please. I am already in a lot of pain as it is. I was having a relationship for 6 yrs with a married man. We spoke everyday, saw each other 2 to 3 times a week, more when possible. We had different work schedules so although he wanted to see me more I couldn't. He said he loved me and that he was crazy in love with me, that he also loved his wife, but that he and I had passion, he made many promises and said every pretty word he could think of. He was very jealous and said he didn't want to share me with no one, so we had big arguments, because, he said he didn't like me going out with friends and me staying away for to long, we texted every hour when we couldn't see each other so he wouldn't panic (it was a little stressful for me at times). He said he didn't want to loose me ever, that he wanted this to go on for ever as long as his wife never found out, if she did he said it would be over between us, but if his marriage ended for different reasons, then he was going to give it his best to try to have a life with me. My first questions is why the difference, however the relationship ends , in the end the marriage will be over and he could do as he likes right? she found out, because I made a mistake ,I called and she answered, he and I had been fighting for a few days and I felt frustrated with everything, when she picked up the phone, I wanted to continue lying, but I couldn't. To make this short it's been 2 weeks,since this mess, he sat his wife down , told her that he loved me, that we had passion, that he cared a lot about me,he told her that we celebrated anniversaries, all the gifts he would get me, how he tried to be better for me etc. stills calls me and texts me everyday after this happened, we still see each other , even exchange some kisses and an intimate moments he said that we have something special and he cant just let it go yet, but that he cant continue having the affair, but that we can still have our little moments, She asked him to STOP all contact with me and he said that he couldn't give her that,because he loves me and that we had something special for 6 years, but that he feels sorry for what he has done to her to and that he loves her. So he asked if we could come up with a plan to keep in touch, he sends me friendly text so I know he is thinking of me and I reply with one back, because she reads them to, but when he can he sends me a very loving one, that one he does not share with her, he tells her when he is going to talk to me, he says that she gets sad and cries, but he much rather her know. I am very confused, because I truly love him and he says he needs me and even if I say that it's best for me to move on and heal my heart, he tells me not to close the door on us, that he wants to know of me, but he needs to work things with his wife, that she is hurting, but I am hurting to. I am so confused, I don't know if in some way he is using me to try to make his wife jealous and get some reaction from her, he told her that the only reason why he stopped our relationship was because she picked up the phone that day, otherwise he would of kept it up for as long as he could, because he has feelings for me. She had asked to talked to me,but I declined, In and award way I feel bad for both of us, he told her things that no wife wants to hear. Can someone help me understand whats going on. I don't understand what he truly wants and I don't understand how a wife can just stand there ,not put her foot down and tell her husband that he needs to STOP this? Where do I fit in all of this...I love him and I don't know what to do, my heart brakes into a million little pieces everyday, even when I say that I am not going to text him back , I do, because otherwise he calls me, he says that we need each other to get through this. Thank you
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2013): maybe the wife doesn't leave him because she's afraid to be alone? lots of people - otherwise competent and sane adults - are terrified of being single, afraid of change, they will cling to any relationship no matter how toxic or abusive because they're more afraid of being alone. if the wife financially depends on him, she may be terrified to take a cut in her standard of living since a divorce means that the same paycheck now has to pay for two houses not just one.
Realize also that you've known about her for 6 years but she has only known about you for 2 weeks. She is in a lot of shock, which is a burden YOU don't have, she's probably still feeling like a zombie right now processing the fact that the last 6 years of her life has been a big lie. poor woman. I feel very bad for her.
you need to stop fixating on his wife and why she isn't divorcing him. It's him you had/have the relationship with, why don't you focus on the fact that he is clearly not willing to leave her for you? he wants to have you but without any commitment on his part, and that is the real issue.
basically he is getting everything he wants because both you and his wife are too WEAK to take care of yourselves. He has told you he wants to keep his wife. And he has told her he wants to keep you. And both you and his wife ACCEPT this situation. You may complain how much it hurts you that he wont' leave her, and she may cry and complain how much it hurts her that he won't leave you. But in the end, you are still here. And so is she. Therefore both of you are accepting the situation he has created, and thus it continues. I can understand why his wife is still here because it's only been 2 weeks that she found out about you so she's probably still numb from shock and not thinking straight. But you've had 6 years of this pain and knowledge and you still are here.
You need to treat this as, he has made his decision. He has decided he will not commit fully to you. If you are so desperate for any relationship with him that even crumbs will do, then you're making your own bed that you will lay in. if it hurts you too much then you're better off in the long run to cut off this relationship. yes it will hurt a lot more initially, that's how break ups always feel. eventually you will feel better, but you have to give it time. Don't be so afraid of short-term intense discomfort that you are willing to endure long term despair instead. Not to mention lost opportunities.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2013): " I don't understand what he truly wants and I don't understand how a wife can just stand there ,not put her foot down and tell her husband that he needs to STOP this? "
I don't understand why don't you dump him also.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2013): This guy is just plain selfish. He is only concerned about what arrangement works out best for him - he wants to keep you because you and him have good times and passion, and he wants to keep his wife because I'm sure they have their own good times and as a married couple they share a lot of other stuff too like kids, family and material possessions.He simply does not want to commit to any one person, he wants to have both, and he wants both of you to be OK with it. The thing is, it was a red flag the minute you said that he had always told you from the start that he wants to continue your affair forever but if he wife were to find out then he would end it. OK that means that "I want to be with you forever...as long as it doesn't rock the boat for me with my other life." This shows that he is truly selfish. he doesn't care about your feelings, and apparently he doesn't care about hers either.So now that his wife knows and she cries all the time but he is still telling her that he intends to still keep contact with you. Why doesn't she "stop" him? What exactly do you propose she do this? This is a free country, she cannot "make" him do anything he doesn't want to do. She can take away his phone, but he can get a new one. She can hack into his email, he can get another email address. She probably knows all this anyway. She can demand til she's blue in the face, but threats are empty if there's no real consequence for failure to comply. What consequences can she bring down on him? I guess she could threaten (and be serious about it) to broadcast to all their family and friends that he's having an affair and hope that their entire social circle will collectively shame him and shun him. That would be a punishment to him. But she doesn't do it..maybe she is embarrassed to have people know that her own husband has been cheating on her because then people will pity her. Maybe she has a lot invested in wanting her friends and family to think she has a perfect life, and that's why she doesn't tell everyone nor does she divorce him. For many people, keeping up appearances is very important as their whole identity is founded on the appearance they give. Maybe she is also one of those people who needs to be in a relationship/marriage and is terrified of being alone and that's why she will not divorce him. Don't envy his wife, you actually have the upper hand, the mistress always does. Not that it helps or does any good...but just saying, even though the guy is married to her, you have always known about her but she has not known about you until now. that puts her in the humiliated position, not you, which is why you should pity her. I advise you to break up with this selfish guy and move on. Even if his wife were to magically divorce him, it's not good to only "be" with someone as their consolation prize. he isn't willing to give up anything to be with you. So why would you ever want him if he came to you ONLY because he lost everything else (which he hasn't yet)?Since it seems that his wife is not feeling murderous towards you (honestly she should be feeling that way towards him), and was even willing to talk to you, I would even suggest that maybe the THREE of you sit down and have a talk - you, him, and her. then you can all hash it out. Put him on the spot to make a decision, if both you and the wife are unwilling to make your own decision on your own. I think if you could arrange such a meeting, both you and his wife will plainly see his selfish true colors coming out because he will look like a blathering idiot crying and begging you not to leave, then the next minute doing the same to his wife. That just might be what tips the scales in your mind to make you feel comfortable about leaving him.if you intend to continue the affair with him (it's your choice), I would advise that you start emotionally detaching yourself from him. Not living with him makes this easier. It's easier for you to detach than his wife. But once you start emotionally distancing yourself from him, you will then find it easier to end the affair on your own.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (6 August 2013):
 I will tell you my story below.
I will also tell you that after 6 years you stand exactly where you are going to stand forever with this guy.
IF he was leaving his wife for you he would have done it 5.5 years ago.
It's like this... his wife knows. She will look the other way as long as she can. She may even accept forever that he has a bit on the side with you as it keeps him happy and that keeps their home life happy.
He's a wuss, a wimp, a liar, and a cheat. He can SAY he loves you, he needs you, he wants you. WHAT he SHOWS you is that you are not worth the effort to end a marriage.
I was married and in an open marriage. My then husband gave me PERMISSION to see someone else. The first 5 years we were married I had no one else. I meet a man and he says "of course" but he could not cope. I started seeing him in December 2010 By March 2011 my then husband left. My April 2012 he was remarried. I married my current husband (the then boy-toy) in October 2012.
EVERY time I offered to end the relationship because it made him feel bad he would decline doing that since it meant he had to give up his lady friend. Finally he left. He set it up so he could leave. He wanted out.
He wanted ME to look like the bad guy. I could have stopped. I would have stopped. I offered to stop. He said "yes please stop" and I said "OK" because that's what committed people do. They deprive themselves of things they WANT because just WANTING something is not enough. You can WANT and still NOT have. Because adults know how to say NO.
EVERY TIME I said I would stop seeing the other guy my then spouse would get all weepy and use the excuse that "I can't do that to you, so NO don't stop" but the truth was he couldn't do it to himself.
YOU CHOOSE to be his naughty bit on the side. SHE chooses to accept it. HE WINS. Both of you lose.
She does not stop because having the house, the car, the kids, the life with a man for years is more important to her than being with a liar. Maybe she hates sex and this keeps him off her back while you lie on yours?
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (6 August 2013):
 OP : balderdash.
You are saying, you politely asked him to stop, and he said no, I am not giving up. It figures : he is having fun, and getting eactly what he wants , - while you are suffering and cryng , and not getting what you want ( a man that is free to love you and to be with you ).
So, if he won't stop on his own ( he won't- he's having you and the wife exactly where he wants you at )- then you will have to MAKE him stop, right ? You will have to refuse to partecipate in this farce.
OP, you are an adult and you also sound intelligent and articulate, do you really NOT realize how this is , well, ridicolous ?
Guy : I am screwing you over.
You : No, please don't screw me over anymore.
Guy : Booh-oooh ! Sob , sob, sob.... But I WANT to screw you over ! I want to ! You meanie, you see ? you are making me cry ...
You : Oh dearie, I am sorry, I don't want you to cry,- Ok, screw me over some more then.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (6 August 2013):
 So if someone you know cries every time you say 'no,' you succumb to their emotional blackmail? That tactic seemed to work for my 8 year old nephew but don't you think there's a point where he needs to act like a grownup? Don't you want to be with a grown up? The longer you spend attached to this user the less time you will have to find a guy who isn't a married crybaby.
The guy is a manipulator and you need a backbone transplant.
You are alone and confused because that is where your choices have put you. Stop being alone with him and start spending time with friends.
Why doesn't she stop this? What do you expect her to do? You succumb when he cries like a baby, maybe she has a tender heart too and does the same thing.
Why don't YOU stop this? The two of you have more in common than you realize.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2013): I am the person who posted this question: http://www.dearcupid.org/question/my-married-lovers-wife-knows-about-us-but.html
I would like to thank each and every person who has taken the time to reading and voicing your opinion. To answer some of your questions...no they do not have children. I tried to end all communication with him,but he asked me to please not do so yet, he cries like a little boy and brakes my heart to see him that way. He says he wants to be good now and live by his christian ways, that he is praying for us, but he needs me to help get us through this. I feel so alone and confused,because I am embarrassed to talk to anyone about this. That is why I posted my question here. I know that sometimes when we are in the middle of something,we can only see what we want or what's in front of us, but when your on the outside looking in, you see things much different. So I value everyone's answers . Please don't judge . I can only speak for my feelings. I truly love this man and went to extremes with him,looking back, your answers are right...all I had were pretty words. I do feel sorry for his wife and I will clarify one thing I did not refuse to talk to her, she wanted me to sit face to face with her and talk to her when she found out,but I just thought that day everyone was filled with mixed emotions and a lot of hurt. I didn't go out looking for her husband , he was out here looking, we met on a dating site. I know that the mistress is always going to be the bad person, I am not a victim either. Right now I just feel confused, angry & a whole lot of mixed emotions. Thank you. I will update on this mess if can and hopefully this can help someone else in my same situation
p.s. In regards to (AuntyEm) Comment... I appreciate your comment, I did not ask people not to be mean, just to read with an open mind and don't be so quick to judge. I also never blame the wife.. I simply asked a question (why doesn't she stop this) she allows him to keep texting and calling me. (Cindycares) Said in her comment (why don't YOU put your foot down and tell him to stop) I have ... I did and his answer to me was ...That he was not giving up...
Thank you once again for all your comments
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (5 August 2013):
 Stop letting HIM dictate your LIFE.
Yes, people judge you - but trust me they judge him FAR worse. After all HE is the one FUCKING up 2 women lives and you know what? the TWO women just let him.. all in the name of love.
I think you LOVE the idea of him, but do you really love the man? The man who FOUND you on a dating site? (even though he is married), the man who KEPT you his side-dish for 6 YEARS and when it comes out, he STILL wants you on the side and keep his marriage (which means you are NOT that important to him) The guy who TELLS you one thing but his ACTIONS shows something VERY different (doesn't it?). Think on it.
IF you no longer WANT to be "the mistress" (and honestly I don't see what good it does ANY women being the piece on the side) then CUT the contact, don't let HIM worm his way back in. Cut the contact, CUT HIM OFF. Then sit down and REFLECT why you let this go on for 6 years. WHY you thought it was OK to "date" a married man, who you LET yourself be conned into 6 long wasted years with a man you can never have.
BUT most of all YOU need to take some frigging responsibility in this. You are not some innocent bystander. AT any time after you found out he was married YOU could have ended it. YOU chose not to. Just like he CHOSE to cheat on his wife.
And honestly all this "good Christian" BS he is feeding you is just another of his CONS.
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A
female
reader, Scotlass65  +, writes (5 August 2013):
 He wants his cake and eat it, it's about time you got rid of this low life scumbag, he has no respect for women, and if I were you I'd raise the bar and walk away with some dignity
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (5 August 2013):
Why does not she put her foot down and makes him stop ?
I have a better question : why don't YOU put your foot down and tell him to stop ?
See, she is willing to pay a high price, too high in my view, but at least she gets something back, she gets what she wants : an official partner, a man living in her house, sleeping in her bed, always available for sex, companionship and conversation. Someone she can spend time with, take along to family reunions, parties, holidays...
What do YOU get ? Empty promises, random - and pre-screened -" friendly " messages, a lot of WORDS: I love you , you are my passion. Blah blah blah- yawn. Arent't you tired yet ?
The bottom line is, that you know what he wants, basically he wants her, because he chose her and chose to stay with her. I understand that you hope that the poor woman might find some dignity and backbone back, and eventually kick his cheating ass out and right into your arms,- that would be a good idea and in HER interest, I agree, but apparently you can wait for that till Doomsday and it's not going to happen.
So, why don't YOU take a stand instead ? Why don't you show some dignity and backbone ?
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (5 August 2013):
 Also don't be telling people not to get mean with you. A lot of people here HAVE been cheated ON and have had their marriages and relationships wrecked by cheaters...that's the REAL tragedy!
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (5 August 2013):
Lady you are fooling yourself, you know exactly whats going on, you are just trying to make a silk purse out of a sow's ear!
You have allowed yourself to be blinded for 6 years with cheap words, lies and empty promises...If you choose to believe that shit, then that's your funeral!
I applaud all the Aunts here, because they have told you the truth...but we all know you won't take notice.
Sorry to be harsh but JESUS!!! 6 years of cheating and you wanna blame the wife???
Wake up and smell the coffee lady!! or suffer in misery for ever...your choice!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2013): I would like to thank each and every person who has taken the time to reading and voicing your opinion. To answer some of your questions...no they do not have children. I tried to end all communication with him,but he asked me to please not do so yet, he cries like a little boy and brakes my heart to see him that way. He says he wants to be good now and live by his christian ways, that he is praying for us, but he needs me to help get us through this. I feel so alone and confused,because I am eberrased to talk to anyone about this. That is why I posted my question here. I know that sometimes when we are in the middle of something,we can only see what we want or what's in front of us, but when your on the outside looking in, you see things much different. So I value everyones answers . Please don't judge . I can only speak for my feelings. I trully love this man and went to extremes with him,looking back, your answers are right...all I had were pretty words. I do feel sorry for his wife and I will clarify one thing I did not refuse to talk to her, she wanted me to sit face to face with her and talk to her when she founf out,but I just thought that day everyone was filled with mixed emotions and a lot of hurt. I didn't go out looking for her husband , he was outhere looking, we met on a dating site. I know that the mistress is always going to be the bad person, I am not a victim either. Right now I just feel confused, angry & a whole lot of mixed emotions. Thank you. I will update on this mess if can and hopefully this can help someone else in my same situation
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (5 August 2013):
 Your predicament is crystal clear. Here's the details:
1. He has his bit on the side (you).... something that EVERY MAN (married or not) craves.
2. You have sold out your integrity for the last 6 years, and - in keeping with "woman-speak" - you believe you have an "investment" in him... in this "relationship."
3. He has made it clear that he would not "climb the highest mountain, or swim the widest sea" for you... Instead, he has made it perfectly clear that he has ABSOLUTELY NO RESPECT FOR YOU.... EITHER AS A WOMAN OR AS A PERSON....
Soooo, the only "question" that you face is how to get away from this man... and STAY AWAY FROM HIM....
You're welcome.
Good luck...
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (5 August 2013):
Is there some reason you can't take control of your own life and cut this guy loose? After one year, okay, enough, either divorce your wife or we are through. After two years, okay, enough, either divorce your wife or I will go on with my life as there is more for me than stolen weekend. After three years, okay, enough, either divorce your wife or I will create my own happiness and move one to a guy who can be with me every day.
You've done this for six years, he's lied to his wife and to you for all that time.
Where do you fit into all of this? Hm. What do your friends think? Can you ask them?
Why doesn't she put her foot down? Because she knows that he'll come back to her and so she's financially set and gets him for the holidays and all that.
The real question for me is, why are you accepting such a sad fate?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (5 August 2013):
He told YOU what he KNEW would keep you hanging on to the "hope" that he LOVES you and only you. That YOU two have a future when you don't.
He tells his wife whatever makes her stay.
And honey, I BET the wife can't figure out WHY you are doing what you are doing to yourself and HER marriage.
You are BOTH with a con-artist who knows exactly how to HAVE and EAT his cake too.
Where do you fit in? You are the "mistress" the one that he WILL dump if the wife gets mad enough.
You keep saying he told his wife this and he told her that.. YOU don't know.. YOU weren't there.. THAT is just what he is telling you.
Why you are wasting your life being his sloppy seconds, only YOU can figure that out.
These things RARELY end good for anyone.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2013): Oo gee what a tangled mess .. First off no blame at his wife door thank you ,. You ask why can't she tell him to stop but her foot down .. But from what you have written she already did this and he told her he loves you..I'm sorry for the situation you have gotten yourself into.. But why don't you just leave him alone .. Why don't you just let him either work through his marriage or end it. . I mean if he missed you that much.. If you do back off .. Maybe It would help make him choose.At the minute . Here a man having his ego stroked by two women .. You need him, sweetie she married to him ..Do the decent thing .. Back away . No one going to tell you not to love him .. But your being treated like a fool at the minute . His wife is trying to save her marriage . Do they have kids? Etc ..Okey you will be hurt with no contact .. But will it be any worse than your feeling now.. I can tell you it won't .. InfAct after a little while you get back to normal .. And here another thing his marriage isn't loveless .. So how dare he want you all to himself , while you share him with his wife.. Take care and back off x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2013): Maybe for the same reason that you haven't "put your foot down" and told this guy that if he doesn't stop going home to his wife, things are over between you.
My guess is, she still loves the man she married, and he may have cheated with you but when he had to make a decision between the two of you, he chose her. He's with her now in THEIR home, right?
You need to get strong and walk away from this one, because he's made it clear with *actions* that you will never be more to him than you are now, even if his words tell a different story. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2013): How can you love a man who is unfaithful to his wife?How do you believe in a man who is unfaithful to his wife? "he told her that the only reason why he stopped our relationship was because she picked up the phone that day, otherwise he would of kept it up for as long as he could, because he has feelings for me."This is what's going on: this guy is a selfish, lying, controlling pig. He told you that he would have continued deceiving his wife had she not picked up the phone that day. He's lying to his wife and he's lying to you to get what he wants. He has you around his fingers and I do think he has you emotionally attached. You, to some extent, are a victim, but also an enabler, a perpetrator, etc. "I don't understand what he truly wants and I don't understand how a wife can just stand there ,not put her foot down and tell her husband that he needs to STOP this?"Why can't you end the affair? Shouldn't single people not pursue married men? Why does it have to be the wife's responsibility to make sure her HUSBAND doesn't cheat on her? Did she ASK for her husband to stop all contacts with you OR did she TELL him and he's NOT listening? The wife wanted to speak with you, but you refused. Hmn, you don't sound very sympathetic to her. End this affair now, move on, and learn from your actions. At your age, you should know better and this is putting it nicely.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (5 August 2013):
 I think he implied that he is never going to end the marriage for you, but he wished that you remained in his life as a side item. If his marriage ended for different reasons (I can't think of any), or his wife died, then maybe he will have a life with you. He is being straightforward with his wife because he feels guilty about hiding secrets, and is justifying cheating by declaring true love for you.
He talks about ending the relationship if ever his wife finds out then took his words back when he can't let you go. Now he is negotiating, perhaps on how to keep this affair even more secretive. Maybe you won't be able to call his house ever again. Maybe he would have less time for you and your meetings will be more discreet. It will be about how much bs you can put up with.
Why she doesn't stop him? She tried to. Perhaps her heart is broken into million pieces also and she loves him. A man who loves his wife does not need to be stopped and controlled. A man who is selfish and narcissistic can't be stopped anyways. It's a matter of time. When you can let go and when she decides to divorce him. Whichever comes first. Maybe she already decided that whether she stays in the marriage or she divorces, it doesn't matter. In holidays when the children come home at least there is a set of parents. There is a man to do heavy lifting. It is a loveless marriage but at least two people can do better than one. Maybe she thinks she is too old to start over again.
Just think about how to get through this alone. Imagine if you get married to him the passion fades just like theirs and then he feels entitled to have his mistress for outside passion. This will deter you from wanting to continue things with him.
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