A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Well I met my boyfriend online over a month ago. I specifically said I don't want someone with kids. I was seeing him for about 2 weeks when we decided to make it official then he told me he has 2 kids. I let it go because at the time I thought I would be ok with it but the more I think about it the less sure I am.I do love him and definitely see us lasting but at the same time I can't get over the fact he has kids. I want to start my own family one day and he is ok with that but I'm not 100% sure if I want them with him now wince he already has 2. He has said I don't have to meet them at all but if I am with him long enough then I know I will. I don't think I would be able to handle it. What do I do? Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Dionee'  +, writes (4 August 2013):
 @cindycares all I'm trying to say is some people don't share that stuff first off. Maybe it's not such a bad thing that he didn't want to be immediately counted out because of having 2 kids. OP can ultimately do as she feels however, I'm saying that there's more to a person than having kids or stealing jewelry afew years ago as you've explained in an example. I don't get why it should be like "Hmm nah he has kids. He isn't worth considering". Sometimes when you relax your standards you get a pleasant surprise. This is just my opinion. I'm not trying to convert non-believers or convince anyone of anything because like I said it's merely an opinion. Op can stick to her guns or relax her standards for a while as it's her decision which she will be living with.
However I will thank you for shedding some light on/sharing your opinion as we're all entitled to our own.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (28 July 2013):
 If the OP was UPFRONT, saying I don't want to date a DAD (man with kids) and he withheld that info that he is FACT has not only 1 child but 2 - I think he is lying by omission because he was HOPING that if she got to know him, it wouldn't matter. If he KNEW her stand point, he should have told he DAY one.
For some it does. For some having kids is a deal breaker. And THAT is OK. I know from personal experience that I could have avoided SO much drama and SO much crap if I had not pushed aside my concerns. I don't blame ANY single girl without kids for NOT wanting to date a guy with kids OR a single guy for not wanting to date a single mom.
Good luck OP
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2013): This problem is the same principle as when a woman gets caught lying about her wild sexual history and it changes things for her BF.
You are not judging him. You are just holding out for what you want in a partner. He is not compatible with you. Your decision against dating him is not a judgment on his worth as a human being.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWe have meet we spent the majority of our time together for a month, he claimed he didn't want to be judged before I really knew him.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2013):
I don't think that two weeks is a long time to go about before saying you have kids.. I have a friend who got herself into serious poo for doing just that.
Here the story, she met a guy in the pub.. He seemed very genuine nice solid bloke .. So she shows him pictures of her kids and even tell him what school her daughter 's attend.. She was being upfront .. So two weeks pass and their chatting by text. Had two dates . And month passes of course she talking about the guy in the house and the youngest girl goes ' yea I see uncle bob' her mum laughs and says dont be daft ' no you don't. Her lil one goes ' yea I do .. He picked me up from school, at lunchtime '.
Now this was serious , he hasn't sexually touched her but he was meaning too ,
And being honest if I were a single mom and was online I would not be putting my kids out there until I knew what I was getting into .
He could have a genuine reason 'why' he didn't share for two weeks. And to the op . You can't leave someone you haven't even met , you just cutting communication with your reasons which are your choice' .
Be happy op that what we all wish you.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (27 July 2013):
 @Dionee' : there are lies by omission. You don't want to call them lies, call it dishonesty, same difference. So do you really think that if you apply, say, for a position in a bank or jewelry, is OK to forget informing them that you just served several years in jail for theft or armed robbery, because they did not ask you Hey,by any chance are you a big thief ?
Whenever you purposedly withdraw relevant information on the matter at hand, it is morally incorrect to say the least, and it says a lot about the character of the person. In this case the info was relevant, because the OP had previously declared that she was only looking for childless guys, so this man hid being a father to get his objective, and if this is not deception, then I have no idea what else it is.
I also disagree that " not many people share that part of their life right off the bat ": I never heard of a parent who denied, hid or forgot mentioning being a parent, because being a parent is a huge , important part of your own personal and social identity. In the wide majority, people are proud , happy , or at least not ashamed of being parents , they would not dream hiding it just because it cramps their style with chicks or guys. And if they do... again, this speaks volumes about their mindset- volumes that probably aren't worth reading.
...............................
A
female
reader, Dionee' +, writes (27 July 2013):
I think alot of you aunts are not spot on and missing the whole point.
First of all, i don't believe that this guy LIED. Lying would have been if he said "i don't have kids" then later said "i have kids" but from what OP wrote however it doesn't seem like he lied, he simply withheld information. There's a difference. Yeah it isn't cool and what not but it doesn't seem like he is a low life scum bag of a dad lying about his kids! He just denied them entry into that part of his life by saying OP won't have to meet them, and again i say, BIG DIFFERENCE.
I don't think you can truly love someone after a month, with this i agree. You probably just care about him i guess.
The bottom line is regardless of the fact that he didn't first off tell you (which i believe is his right as its a personal part of his life and not many people share something like that off the bat) i think that the bigger picture here is that you don't want a guy with kids, bottom line. Its a deal breaker for you and that's fine, you're allowed personal preference so what i say you do is dump this dad of two kids, get a guy closer to your age and see what happens. Its not guaranteed that a guy your age will be perfect or better than this dad of two kids but hey that's a risk we all take by having our preferences.
Good luck
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2013): Break up with him. You don't truly "love" someone you have only known for one month. You barely know someone after one month, let alone love them. You have nothing to lose, except just one month of your life. just walk away now.the thing is that this guy lied to you to manipulate you. Don't think this is the only time he will do it. the fact that he did it right at the outset of the relationship also shows just how little inhibitions he has towards lying. another thing is that if he has kids, he has an ex who is still in his life and always will be because of the kids. That's a lot of drama which is why you were on the right track of laying down the ground rule of only dating men without kids.long story short: your relationship now has kids (which you don't want), an ex who will complicate your life because of her involvement in his, and you know he is a liar, and you've only known him for one month. seems pretty obvious what you should do!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your advice, I will be leaving him.
...............................
A
female
reader, Keeley345  +, writes (27 July 2013):
Alot of people won't date someone with kids and that's ok. Your boyfriend should have been honest with you though and told you he has kids. I'm guessing he really likes you but when you said you did'nt want a guy with kids, he may have felt it best to not tell you he had kids in case he lost you. Maybe he wanted you to get to know him first before you turned him down for having kids?This is unacceptable though especially if you were hoping to have a good relationship. It's understandable that you're unhappy with the situation and not certain if you want to take him AND his kids on. No one can force you to do so even him. Him telling you you might not meet his kids at all is laughable. What if your relationship becomes serious? Or if you got engaged? What is he going to tell his kids ''Sorry I never mentioned this before but you now have a step mum''? Very unrealistic and immature on his part. This relationship is destined to fail unless you can get over his 'lack of info' about him having kids. You'll also have to get over your feelings towards not wanting to date a guy with kids. Can you REALLY do that? If the answer is no then you need to bid him farewell and find someone who will at least be honest with you.
...............................
A
female
reader, MsSadie +, writes (26 July 2013):
 I think some of these agony aunts are being a bit severe here, calling the guy a big ol' liar and such.
I agree that the worst problem here isn't that this guy has kids. To me, what's most disturbing is that you think you're in love with someone who you met a month ago and have only been seeing for about two weeks.
Now, when you say that you specified that you didn't want someone with kids, do you mean that you said that to him outright? Or do you mean it was only specified on your profile?
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2013): I don't agree with some of the post from the aunts ( sorry) as I don't think he lied.. When I first met my husband I had been married before... I did not tell him this straight off .. Why am I a liar !! No because it was none of his business at that time he was a complete stranger, who I was getting to know . And I'm a very private person . I fold him 4 months in I think .. I think the issue really is this fantasy of love, when you two have never even met.. If you don't want to be with him say.. Also he told you two weeks after talking .. And you were kinda fine now your not. So guess what say. If he older than you say 30 then alot of 30 year old have kids. Why not date nearer your own age . Closer to home that way you get to know them.. Just be aware not everyone goes about telling their own private business .
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2013): Clearly his has shown that he is dishonest. He should have been honest with you from the get go. He is a liar. He must be lying about things as well. If he can deny his kids what else would he deny?
If I was you I would move on. Good luck x
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (26 July 2013):
 Look, you've been with him online for a month. You dont love him, you barely even know him. And he led you on by not telling you about the kids until after he got you "hooked". No question about it, end this before it goes any further.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (26 July 2013):
I have to agree, I would end it. You SHOULD have the moment he brought it up. At the time it was ONLY 2 weeks in and it's still time.. It's ONLY been a month.
YOU can not date a guy with kids and never see them - UNLESS there is a REALLY good reason why HE doesn't see them.
Aren't you wondering what else he kept for you? What else he lied about?
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (26 July 2013):
 he manipulated you into being with him by lying... what do you think he will manipulate you to do later on with lies?
will you ever trust him?
I do not think that it's a good start to a relationship.
Lies are never good. and he did lie.
...............................
A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (26 July 2013):
 I hope you're not too attached to him after just 1 month? If he lies/neglects to tell you about something so as important as children, what else would he lie about?? Almost anything I'd guess. Most people are so proud about their children they want to brag about them, not HIDE them! I wouldn't even consider a future with a man like this. Cut your losses and thank your stars that you found out what he was like very early in the game.
...............................
A
female
reader, Got Issues +, writes (26 July 2013):
 This guy is a liar and it's not like he told a little white lie to impress you. He lied about having children. That's not something trivial, that is (our should be) the most important aspect of his life. He totally deceived you and as Cindy says, if he can lie about this so easily, what else can he lie about?
For me this would be a dumpable offence. You seem to be on the fence about it, in which case I would recommend breaking up sooner rather than later to minimise your pain.
...............................
A
female
reader, malvern +, writes (26 July 2013):
 If you're not happy now then it's best if you get out of the relationship before you become too entwined with his life. Alternatively you could ask him if you could meet his kids. Maybe he could take them to a park where you could meet up with them as a casual 'friend of daddys', ie; not as his girlfriend. It's important not to confuse or upset the children in any way as you may not remain with your boyfriend. At least that way it would give you an opportunity to see whether you could cope with it all.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (26 July 2013):
.. Simple, you don't date him. You break up, which, after just a month of dating, should not be so terribly heartbreaking.
First, you say you don't want to date a man with kids ,while he HAS kids- ergo, he's not the man for you.
Second, and this would ring loud alarm bells for me, he knew what you thought but he only fessed up after two weeks, and after he had " gotten " you already. This tells me that he is a guy quite capable of manipulating and telling lies as long as he can get what he wants, which is not an endearing quality. In fact, if he was capable to lie to you about such a thing like being a father... who knows what else he might have lied already, or lie in future. Everything, I guess- from having a wife already, to having an STD. Personally I could not trust a guy like that.
Plus, what's this idiocy about not having to see his kids ?... You don't have to see them NOW, but if you went on, at some point in time, no matter how far, you SHOULD have to meet them- not only, but also to be ready and make them part of your family. Or, does he intend keep you away from his children forever ? As if they were a shameful dirty secret ? what kind of a dad, what kind of a MAN in fact, is one who thinks like this ?
...............................
A
female
reader, ihavetoomanythoughts +, writes (26 July 2013):
 Unless you believe you can love his kids as much as you will love your own babies, then don't get involved. They will feel your distance and they will resent you for it. This may lead to the kids convincing their father to leave you, or this may drive a wedge between father and kids. Either way someone will get hurt.
...............................
|
