A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I am engaged and not married yet. My fiance has two adult children from a previous marriage. They aren't in contact with him too much, forgetting him on Father's Day, Christmas and his birthday. No cards(sometimes there is a card), phone calls or gifts which I can tell hurts him. It appears pretty spordiac. I have no children. His ex has remarried and her husband has no children.His daughter is now pregnant and it will be my fiance's first grandchild.I'm the "new" person on the block. I have no family history with them of course. I really don't know his daughter that well because she rarely contacts her father.I'm not putting her down, just stating what I have observed. There has to be some reason his children are distant from their father. I know, that is suppose to be a red flag on the father not having good communication with his kids.I know when I marry him I have to take it all, the ex, the baggage, the kids and all that comes with it.When it comes time for the childs birth, birthdays, Christmas, school events, do I just stay out of it all together--stay in the background and get on with my life. I don't want to cause any trouble for the biological grandparents or the grandchild.Do I take a cue from my late husband's stepmom. She was very kind to me and never said a bad word about anyone. Yet, his sister let them have her son a lot when he was growing up on weekends. She just adored him.My fiance's daughter lives a good few hours away so there is the distance factor too.I wanted to know how it is handled in families out there that have step grandchildren and if they are actively involved in the child's life or if they are excluded by the parents and have to take a backseat which I fear might happen in this situation.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2013): Since your fiance is not close to his children, him getting married again doesn't change that. Therefore, I would just stay out of his kids' lives since he is out of their lives pretty much.The situation with your late husband's step-mom is different because they had good relationships with each other therefore when you married him you became part of a family that was already close and thus your relationship was similar to everyone else's.but in your fiance's family, he is not close to his kids. therefore, that is the 'baseline' dynamic in that family so just act according and don't try to pretend that things are different.and by the way, it might not be his fault that his kids want nothing to do with him. Their mother could have been bad-mouthing him to them all these years. Now that he's going to be married again, I bet she will be upping her bad mouthing even more. That has happened in my family. it's unfortunate.
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (25 July 2013):
 Have you posted on here before? That "tires" story rang a bell.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2013): The original OP here.
Thank you all for the great advice. I feel that Caring Aunt A's situation closely mirrors mine.
Yes, the ex-wife bad mouths him to his kids. She said she would turn his children against him. I guess she has succeeded.
Even though my fiance continues to be ignored by his children he does remain kind to them and sends them cards with money in them on all occassions. He never gets nothing in return, no thanks or acknowledgment.
They only call if they need money, say like for new tires on a car like $500.00 when in reality it's to fund a trip with a new girlfriend. He just doesn't see it, but I do. He is basically an ATM machine and these kids both have jobs. It's a classic situation where the Dad feels the only way to connect is to give them money and they milk that for all it's worth. So he is getting used in that way.
I'll just go in with no expectations. I am expecting no invitations to baby showers, birthdays, etc. for the grandchild only because the ex-wife will be involved in all these events. It would just be too uncomfortable and my fiance certainly doesn't want to be in the same room as his ex-wife.
I am not expecting anything from them either as far as recognition on my birthday or for Christmas since they don't even extend that to their own father.
It's best I remain on the perimeter. I will always be kind, but I will not interject into their lives in anyway, but only if I am wanted.
Fortunately, I am totally okay being alone whereas I know a lot of other people have a need to be around people.
Plus, I have my own life to lead and if there is any drama on their side I don't need it at this stage in my life. I've had enough past drama to last a lifetime.
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A
female
reader, kirra07  +, writes (24 July 2013):
From what I have observed, kids are more distant from their dads. This isn't the case all the time, but for the most part I think it is. I call my mom every day or two days, but don't talk to my dad too often. My husband calls his mom maybe once every week or two, but his dad maybe 3-4 times a year. And it works the other way too - moms are more communicative, dads aren't. And girl children are generally more communicative as well. We are the relationship builders.
So regardless of the step- or not step-, I think that you can step in and maybe try to help build bridges with you and your fiance with his children. I often have to prod my husband to call his family to say hi. He just doesn't remember or see the need, whereas I know it would make his family feel loved. So definitely jump in - suggest he invite them over for special occasions or dinner. When you get closer to them, you can start inviting them. Maybe prod your fiance to go shopping with you for a gift for his new grandchild. Men can often be thoughtless about these kinds of things, and a women's touch can work wonders.
I also want to add that my husband's parents both remarried after he was grown. And if we see his parents, the step-parent is involved too. Gifts come from both parent + step parent jointly. The first christmas we spent with them, he originally did not get gifts for the step-parents. I thought that was really rude, so I did get them something. And it turned out to be a good thing because he saw the error of his ways, and jumped in on my gift. I'm also the one that initiates gifts to his brother's kid. Men can just be so oblivious about these little things.
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A
female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (24 July 2013):
 It may not necessarily be his entire fault for the lack of good communication when his ex-wife is still alive and remarried. She may continue to bad-mouth him (as was our situation) or simply be more connected or involved in their adult lives as Mother’s generally are?From experience; and similar to your situation I take a backseat to observe the family dynamics. Distance is also a factor (2000km’s) where the traditional yearly acknowledgements are remembered, ignored or sporadic pending on which child; yet he remains kind and consistent with each of them by sending cards etc. For me; I have but one (lovely) married Step-Daughter who contacts her Dad and when it comes time for her to have children of her own; I will no doubt be myself and visit to dote on the new baby. Yet because of her connection with her Dad; it makes it all the more easier for me or anyone to feel accepted and be involved. Otherwise I would simply go about my business as I do with his other children. Therefore I believe it’s the relationship that your fiancée has with his children that will determine your level of involvement and being accepted. Plus you won’t be causing trouble by any means if you as a couple extend your best wishes and congratulations throughout the coming years, as the trouble is with his side of the family, not you!?Take Care – CAA
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (23 July 2013):
 I love my dad but we are distant and always were. My mom is deceased. My dad's partner is treated and considered as a stepmom (they do not marry for fiscal reasons only). HER grandchildren are young and call my dad Pop-pop. He treats her grandkids the same as his.
I am married to a man who is NOT the father of my sons. IF I ever become a grandmother my husband will be grandpa (even though he's too young to be the father of my son) to my grandchildren.
Children are so blessed to have multiple generations of parents and grandparents to love them....
I call my dad but i never send cards or presents... he sends to us.... that's how it works in our family and always has.. kids are gifted parents are not...
I would send birthday cards and holiday cards and invite them to any family events that do not conflict with their mothers events...
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (23 July 2013):
 I would honestly talk to your fiance. And Yes, personally, I would take a note from your late husband's stepmother. I would ENJOY the child, the parents. Spoil the kiddo, get to know them. It's family.
Just because the kids don't remember dates for their dad doesn't mean YOU have to "pay back" in turn, if you get what I mean.
It doesn't matter what what "title" a person have in the family. They are still family. Step- or not step-.
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