A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am struggling with temptation right now. A good female friend of mine back from High School who moved back into town has started to become flirtatious towards me like we used to back then....I have been married for 4 years and don't have any real desire to cheat on my wife. My friend has asked me to help her get readjusted to moving back. I said we would be glad to help and brought my wife when we met to catch up. So she absolutely knows I am happily married.She has suggested that we catch up privately and hang out just the two of us, but I have turned her down by just making up excuses. I feel kind of bad but I know what would happen if I went. She kept calling to talk cause shes bored or needed advice and we exchange emails and texts a few times a week and my friend has been borderline inappropriate. Its flattering in many ways but I know its risky. I dont know how to tell her politely to stop cause im afraid shes going to take it the wrong way,How should I respond to her comments/advances?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2013): I think its possible she is flirting so heavily because you are sending her welcoming signals. You send her emails and texts several times a week. You talk on the phone. Heck I don't even have this much contact with many of my own friends! She suggests you two hang out in private without your wife and you just give excuses for why you can't make it this time. All of your behavior is saying "I am interested in something more with you, just that I haven't found the right time yet to go further."If you feel this dynamic between you two is inappropriate (as I do) then make your actions line up with your claims of wanting to do the right thing. Stop engaging with her. Bringing your wife along does nothing if you still continue to send her these responsive signals behind the scenes. If anything it might be construed as your marriage is insecure or that you're wanting to be more discreet about starting an affair!It doesn't make sense to complain that someone keeps flirting with you and putting the responsibility on them when you're the one encouraging it.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2013): You say you have "no real desire to cheat" and that you "know what would happen if I went. "
Well, what would happen? And why would it happen?
Looks like you're not actually happily married after all. Looks like you are acknowledging that you might cheat on your wife.
This just means that you're a high risk for infidelity right now (not happily married, and having someone in your life whom you have mutual attraction with, vying for your attention) I suggest that you be responsible by not going so close to the line you're trying not to cross. I also suggest you inform your wife of what's going on because it will hold you accountable.
Temptation is harder to resist the more you exposed yourself to it. The line gets blurred in your mind. But not on your wife's shoulder anything happen.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2013): you're sending this woman mixed messages. You say you're not interested in cheating on your wife (good for you), and you feel uncomfortable with the interactions with this woman and yet you continue to exchange emails and texts with her.you need to just go cold on her. No rudeness involved, just "too busy" to be anything more than the most distant acquaintances. Stop emailing and texting her. Or if you must, wait a week in-between your emails and say you were busy. Eventually she will leave you alone because she's not getting rewarded by your constant attention. No rudeness necessary, simply lack of response.it's not anyone else's responsibility to respect your marriage, it is YOUR responsibility to put up boundaries and enforce them since you're the one who's married to your wife. You say "but she knows I'm married." SO WHAT? You know you're married too!
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (6 August 2013):
 You ask: "... I dont know how to tell her politely to stop..."
This is one of those rare cases wherein you DON'T HAVE TO BE POLITE!!!!! Instead, you are able to say, "Listen, (her name here), it's been pretty easy to recognize that you are hitting on me, and you expect me to bed you so that you can enjoy my considerable sexual favors.... but, IT AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN!!!.... so it would be just as well if you would give up the hittin'".....
Good luck.....
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (6 August 2013):
 "she absolutely knows I'm happily married"
and
" but I know what would happen if I went."
are two statements you can't make in the same discussion. they contradict each other.
#1 bringing your wife with you does not say you are happily married. Bringing your wife with you says "I don't trust you" and more importantly "she doesn't trust me" and "someone doesn't trust you"
#2 you saying "I know what would happen" tells me you are NOT as happily married as you say.
I'm married to a man who is a total jerk. I'm satisfactorily married. He trusts me 100% and I trust him. I have earned and deserve his trust. I could be locked ALONE in a room with a BED with someone who REALLY wanted me... someone young, healthy attractive... or someone age appropriate... or someone I REALLY want and I know what would happen... NOTHING.
I am 100% committed to my marriage.
once you are honest with yourself and you deal with the fact that you would cheat on your wife if given the opportunity, then come back and ask for help if you need it.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (6 August 2013):
 I forgot to add, you asked WHY be like this..
Because YOU let her. Maybe because SHE isn't in a happy place and she is a "misery wants company type of person". OR she is trying to relive the "glory-days" of high school.
Either way you need to nip this in the bud.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (6 August 2013):
Tell her if she doesn't cut it out, you are going to cut the contact.
What she is doing is disrespectful to you, your marriage and your wife. (and for you to continue the "game" is disrespectful too, even if it's nice to get YOUR ego stroked.
SHE is not a friend.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (6 August 2013):
 I don't know what kind of person your friend was before but I can tell you she is anything but a good friend now.
A good friend would not tempt you to do something they knew would cause you guilt and stress, that could cost you your wife, your children if you have any, your home, something that could incur the wrath of your family and cost you friends.
Your 'good friend' is only concerned with her own gratification. And she assumes that because you're a man that you're just as base and disloyal as she is. And the longer you dick around making excuses the more you validate those assumptions.
This woman isn't flattering you at all. She's insulting you and those you hold dear. And your wife won't appreciate your excuses if she ever gets wind of what's been going on. Anything less than a clear rejection and a severing of ties will be a knife in the back to her, as it would be to you if she were the one maintaining such an acquaintance.
The polite way to do this is clearly, directly and immediately so there is no room for future boundary intrusions.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2013): just tell her you would rather not her text you anything that u cant show your wife. Tell her that your wife will be offended and it would cause marital issues. Tell her that isn't what u want. Seriously you are going to have to be aggressive about this bc just like when guys chase chicks and the chick give a weak or barely believable message that she isn't interested. The guy chases harder bc he knows, she is conflicted her no now will be a yes later so he will continue. You need to tell her straight forward and let her know you will block her if it continues after the conversation. Either make your wife proud or appease this other woman. You cant make them both happy.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2013): What's more important to you? Being polite to this girl and having your wife's feeling hurt, and maybe her trust in you damaged.... or.... hurt that girl's feelings and feel proud of how you protected your wife's feelings and your marriage? hmmmm.... hurt your wife's feelings OR hurt that girls feelings? up to you. I recommend you be a man, tell her you are flattered by her attention, but you are happily married and her communication is starting to be inappropriate. If she doesn't respect that, then don't allow that in your life. Protect what you love with all you have.
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